SchrodingersCat
Active member
1. what is this secondary/primary business? The term "secondary" implies hierarchy to me, something I am NOT okay with in relationships - I am, I suppose, technically a 'secondary' right now, but do not feel like I am less valued for that.
Some people prefer the hierarchical model, others prefer to have their relationships flow naturally without the need of labels.
There are people who actually prefer the role of secondary, not wanting the responsibility (for lack of better term) of being someone's primary partner, due to time constraints, emotional capacity, etc. For others, it's a matter of sharing finances and child-rearing responsibility with one person, which requires that relationship to be nurtured and maintained in a way that other "secondary" relationships don't require.
Other people feel that hierarchy is inherently wrong, that it treats secondaries as having fewer rights as primaries. As I'm not on this side of things, I can't recall all the "reasons" but since you seem to be on this side, I don't think I need to make its case
2. that said, what is my responsibility as a "secondary"? Do I dance around the "primary" relationship logistically and emotionally? Or can I speak up and make 'demands' (for lack of a better word) of my own?
There are no hard-and-fast rules dictating your responsibility as a secondary, it's subjective and depends on the particular circumstances. You'll have to negotiate your "rights and responsibilities" with each partner to determine if you're compatible as a couple.
If you see yourself in a secondary position, it's my opinion that you don't have to dance around the primary relationship. That relationship is the sole responsibility of the people in it. We all have enough to deal with in our lives without taking on other people's battles.
You always have the right to speak up for yourself and communicate to your partner whenever your needs are not being met. That being said, your partner doesn't have the responsibility to change his/her behavior in order to meet your needs. I'm not sure anyone has the right to "make demands" in any relationship, but to the extent that they do, you have just as many of those rights as anyone.
3. what is the best way to introduce the concept of polyamory to someone you are interested in seeing? My current situation is that I am dating a guy who is poly and am hopeful about starting a relationship with a guy who, as far as I know, is not poly, but is fairly open minded. Should I just go ahead and see how he feels about polyamory?
This is something I struggle with too. I generally lay it out on the table with any potential partner. There are surprisingly many people who are ok with the concept of "open relationships" and just haven't done the cognitive work to discover a term for it. Another approach is to start off "just dating" and make it clear that you're "dating other people." Then if things start to get serious, you can have "the talk."