Wanting to leave my husband for lover

Polywife123

New member
Ok so I've been married to my husband for 20 years. We started swinging about 3yrs ago to spice things up only..... the 2nd couple we met I was instantly attracted to the husband not necessarily physical or sexual immediately. There was just something about him I was drawn to. Anyway my husband didn't like the wife and I was so drawn to the husband I pushed my husband into allowing me to see him alone. This relationship resulted in a Polyamourous relationship and I fell in love. My husband W resented me and the guy, but wasn't ready to leave. The relationship lasted about 8 months and was highly charged sexually, emotionally, intellectually etc.... Although he has antisocial behaviors and has a dark questionable past. The relationship ended abruptly and my husband was happy although never forgave me. I suffered tremendously from the loss and tried to reestablish the relationship. To my surprise a year later he has taken me back. Things are different now. He is no longer married, although I still am. He lives an hour away and I can only see him once a week. I am trying to keep things in prospective but I want more:-( I feel like it is destined to be with this man. ..... like he is my soul mate. The feelings I have for him are deep. I know it seems crazy being his character is shady but I feel like I want to leave my husband who is good and patient to have a real relationship with this man. I don't know what to do? I feel pain when I'm not with him and I want to always be with him. Why are these feelings so difficult? I know everyone will advise me to leave this guy and stay with my husband but I feel like my husband is more of a friend than a lover and I don't think I would be with this guy again if it wasnt meant to be. Please help
 
Does your husband know you are seeing this guy again? If so, can things be kept in stasis for awhile while you sort through your options?

I sense a bit of NRE (New Relationship Energy) going on here. It is a "powerful drug," and can inhibit judgment and impair the senses.

Do you definitely have to choose between your husband and this other man? Can't choose both? If so, choose carefully.

I am not inclined to tell you what to do, just trying to gain and put it into some perspective.
 
Ok so I've been married to my husband for 20 years. We started swinging about 3yrs ago to spice things up only..... the 2nd couple we met I was instantly attracted to the husband not necessarily physical or sexual immediately. There was just something about him I was drawn to. Anyway my husband didn't like the wife and I was so drawn to the husband I pushed my husband into allowing me to see him alone. This relationship resulted in a Polyamourous relationship and I fell in love. My husband W resented me and the guy, but wasn't ready to leave. The relationship lasted about 8 months and was highly charged sexually, emotionally, intellectually etc.... Although he has antisocial behaviors and has a dark questionable past. The relationship ended abruptly and my husband was happy although never forgave me. I suffered tremendously from the loss and tried to reestablish the relationship. To my surprise a year later he has taken me back. Things are different now. He is no longer married, although I still am. He lives an hour away and I can only see him once a week. I am trying to keep things in prospective but I want more:-( I feel like it is destined to be with this man. ..... like he is my soul mate. The feelings I have for him are deep. I know it seems crazy being his character is shady but I feel like I want to leave my husband who is good and patient to have a real relationship with this man. I don't know what to do? I feel pain when I'm not with him and I want to always be with him. Why are these feelings so difficult? I know everyone will advise me to leave this guy and stay with my husband but I feel like my husband is more of a friend than a lover and I don't think I would be with this guy again if it wasnt meant to be. Please help

is your husband a friend more than a lover because you have grown apart or because you both aren't putting the right work in your relationship.

leave your husband for the right reasons not because you want to see bf more, change something with your relationship with hubby and then try and see bf more, if he is single, see him for one weekend a month and try and see him more but don't leave your hubby unless things aren't good with him. my ex was and is very confused and he broke my heart with his confusion so we aren't together and he is confused over another woman, think of how your hubby will feel if you leave him too.
 
Yes my husband knows I'm seeing him again but keeps threatening to leave me because he knows how I feel for him and really isn't poly. He feels threatened by the relationship because he knows how I feel for him and feel that previously I spent 3 to 4 days a week with him and I'm gonna do that again Plus he doesn't like the guy. I don't think it's new relationship energy ...... I've been in other relationships since then and have never felt this before. But I know this guys personality is very magnetic and I'm very attracted to that and his intelligence. Anyway its very hard to be away from him and only see him once a week. I really want a real chance at a real realtionship with him and torn over this. My husband and I probably are not in love anymore because of all of this and we have tried to repair it but both feel very different about the situation and have settled on we are just trying to hold on to whatever is left until my oldest is moved out which is probably a little more than a year away.
 
Were your husband's needs being met? Did you all talk and talk and talk before transition from swingers to polyamorous. There is a difference and the approaches are different. Is it possible that with you spending 3-4 days with this man that you were not giving your marriage the attention it needed?

This sounds like a case of the grass is greener on the other side. Have you and your husband sought marital counselling? Are you making your husband feel loved and special or are you all wrapped up and consumed with this other man? You can be poly and have a mono spouse.

I, too, am not inclined to tell you what to do, but I do think you should talk to your husband and not tell him what you are going to do. Saying I am going to spend most of my nights with this chap is not the right approach. You need to ask him what he needs to be comfortable and what he needs from you. If you know the marriage is over, end it now and prevent more heartache.

Ry
 
I think there's some very sage advice in this thread... but if everything has been tried and the marriage is unhappy, then I think you need to leave. I am very new to poly relationships, but it seems to me that the fact of being poly should not mean that instead of ending relationships that need ending, you should just add more relationships. (Take this with a grain of salt, I am a recently divorced person!).

But especially since your husband is "not really poly", as you say, this sounds like a situation with no benefits for him, and alot of potential hurt. Seems like it would be kinder to end it, perhaps.
 
Thank you I appreciate your advice. I would like to work it out with my husband but we ass just not on the same page and we are not in love. He knows this although I do love him and really don't want a divorce it's just I want a real chance with my lover and he is recently single so I fear two things.
1. My current status as being married I won't be enough for him only being able to see him 1 week night a week and we both want more
2. He will find someone who isn't poly and leave me

I don't know if there is a real solution, it seems pretty grim either way.
 
I'm kind of confused. Why do you want to leave your husband (it sounds like you are not unhappy in that relationship)? What does the decision to leave your husband or not to leave him have to do with your boyfriend? Why do you feel it would be necessary to leave your husband in order to have a full relationship with your boyfriend? What does your husband being mono or poly have to do with anything in this? Why would your being married be an issue with your boyfriend (especially since you have been right along)? Why would your boyfriend leave you if he starts seeing someone in addition to you, even if that person is mono? I guess I just don't see how your having a relationship with one of these men has anything to do with you having a relationship with the other or how one relationship could possibly affect the depth of feeling you have a different partner.

Gwen
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only child of a mono mother and a poly father
mono partner of a wonderful poly partner
 
So, you are saying you think maybe your boyfriend won't be satisfied with just seeing you once a week? and that maybe he'll then meet a monogamous person who will see him more than once a week, and leave you for that new person?

What would need to happen in order for you to see your boyfriend twice a week? How much compromising is your husband willing to do? and is he just reluctantly/resentfully going along with it, or is his heart in it?

Just trying to get a bit better understanding on the situation.
 
I'm kind of confused. Why do you want to leave your husband (it sounds like you are not unhappy in that relationship)? What does the decision to leave your husband or not to leave him have to do with your boyfriend? Why do you feel it would be necessary to leave your husband in order to have a full relationship with your boyfriend? What does your husband being mono or poly have to do with anything in this? Why would your being married be an issue with your boyfriend (especially since you have been right along)? Why would your boyfriend leave you if he starts seeing someone in addition to you, even if that person is mono? I guess I just don't see how your having a relationship with one of these men has anything to do with you having a relationship with the other or how one relationship could possibly affect the depth of feeling you have a different partner.

Gwen
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only child of a mono mother and a poly father
mono partner of a wonderful poly partner



No I'm not unhappy and wish I did not have too choose. My husband isn't happy. And I only see my boyfriend once a week and I want more he wants less. I am in pain from not seeing my boyfriend and hate the separation i have to face when leaving him. My husband thinks I should be home with my 17yr old daughter and Its not right. He does not want to share me and has made several scary threats.... both physical and divorce. Since he knows I am in love with my bf and not him he is angered and hurt. Like I said I want more and also since I am not in love with my husband anymore I want to be with my bf more often than many husband. I can't even go out with my boyfriend on the weekends. ..... just how long is that gonna work for my boyfriend. I want a real shot at this with him. .....
 
I don't like the sound of physical threats. Having said that, your husband clearly does not consent to you having a boyfriend at all, so I think you will have to choose one and only one: husband or boyfriend. If husband you choose, I would suggest that both of you probably need to do some digging and find out what has gone wrong in your marriage. I would get a marriage counselor if possible.

Of course there is also the question of, is it worth trying to fix a marriage that's gone so far downhill that physical threats are being made? What are the extent and nature of these threats? Is it bluffing, or are you pretty sure your husband is serious about it?

If you're going to choose your boyfriend, then you should probably tell your husband you want a divorce. Why have him plug on with a situation in which you're in love with someone else but not him?

What do you you really want to do? is the big question.
 
Since he knows I am in love with my bf and not him he is angered and hurt. Like I said I want more and also since I am not in love with my husband anymore I want to be with my bf more often than many husband.

Then tell Husband it's over. Walk away CLEAN and don't look back. I think a clean break would be more merciful than living in a marriage that doesn't want you.
 
He has told me he has had thoughts of killing us both. Most times he seems ok but had lost respect for me and if he's stressed sometimes he'll call me names and act as though he is gonna hit me. We have a therapist, it just doesn't help to resolve that we feel very differently. He has gotten a lot better this time around but still says he's losing love and respect for me and he wants to leave me when our daughter is gone.
 
Re:
"He has told me he has had thoughts of killing us both. Most times he seems okay but had lost respect for me and if he's stressed sometimes he'll call me names and act as though he is gonna hit me."

That's pretty bad (all of it but especially the stuff about killing).

It sounds to me like the marriage is scheduled for termination anyway; maybe you should consider the cost and benefits of terminating early.
 
Your husband has threatened to kill you and your bf, and has almost hit you? ( I am wondering if he has already hit you.) Your bf is shady and dark, but you like it? What's going on here, woman? Do you have some kind of death wish? Are there drugs involved?

Where was your marriage when you began swinging to add spice? Already bored and out of love with each other then?

I fear for your safety. If your bf is worthy of ANYTHING, he will agree to a break while you sort your head out. Things sound very messed up here.

If you fear he will leave you if you don't, like, move in with him immediately, despite a 20 year marriage and kid(s?), he isn't worthy of you.
 
Yes one would hope this lover/boyfriend would have consideration for the marriage and the many years invested in it.
 
Your husband has threatened to kill you and your bf, and has almost hit you? ( I am wondering if he has already hit you.) Your bf is shady and dark, but you like it? What's going on here, woman? Do you have some kind of death wish? Are there drugs involved?

Where was your marriage when you began swinging to add spice? Already bored and out of love with each other then?

I fear for your safety. If your bf is worthy of ANYTHING, he will agree to a break while you sort your head out. Things sound very messed up here.

If you fear he will leave you if you don't, like, move in with him immediately, despite a 20 year marriage and kid(s?), he isn't worthy of you.

Lol u couldn't be more off..... so easy to pass judgement but I can assure you there is no drinking, no drugs, or hitt, anyone whatsoever! However, my husband is hurt and duh.....um yes we were bored and probably not in love then either. ....usually that's the point of swinging!!!!!!! We were married for almost 18 years prior to swinging. I understand you only are reading what I wrote but I'm not confused and my husband is not confused! We believe in two different lifestyles and I am in love with someone who is not my husband and love my husband but not in love with him. My husband wants monogomy and I want more freedom what is so hard to understand? True I wish he wasn't upset and never lost his cool from time to time but that doesn't mean he hit me!!!!!!!! We are educated professional people, and we have been to therapy but it hasn't helped any and not likely when people have strong opposing feelings. So I guess this is just something most people cannot understand and I will have too sort it out without other peoples opinions.
 
I could be wrong, but here's what I'm hearing:

  • I love my BF. I want to work on that relationship.
  • I no longer love my husband. I don't want to work on that relationship.

So... how about ending the obvious suffering of the husband and divorcing him? And freeing him to seek happiness again rather than having him along for the ride in a polyship he does not really want to be in for the SECOND time?

And ending your own suffering to free you to be with the BF?

Breaking up stinks for both of you, but the suffering has an end point. Suffering on and on and on with no end in sight -- that's worse!

I'm not going to say anything about the BF's shady character or the husband threatening to hit you. All that is concerning / weird sounding to me... maybe being alone is better.

But strip even THAT stuff away from your writing and I still get to a general summary from your posts of:

  • I love my BF. I want to work on that relationship.

being the thing you want to do. This is where your energy seems to be at and your willingness seems to be at. So if that is where this is at for you? Could make the call. Could stop sitting on fence.

Galagirl
 
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Here is what i think you should do, and why:

Stay with your husband. It's better to deal with the devil you know already than the one you don't.

Ordinarily, i'd say to get rid of them both and get your own act together, but it's obvious to me that you're scared of being alone, so i don't expect you to do that.
 
I think the title of the thread says it all. You want a chance to develop this relatioship to its fullest. I think you should go for it. You no longer have a romantic marriage with your husband so why torture yourself and him. Life too short. To what end would staying together make sense. What's the big difference if your daughter is 17 or 18 ? or out of the house. Sounds like the marriage is dead and on artificial life support and no ones got the guts to pull the plug. Rip the bandaid off. Go be happy.
 
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