Lost..

just3

New member
Well. after 6 months of happiness with my hubby and my bf.. its over. My bf who has been great with everything the past couple weeks had started to pull away. I knew it. Tried talking to him. He assured nothing was wrong, he was just busy etc. Last weekend I guess he decided to help out a friend and let her move into his house. Didnt say anything to me just gave me lies of why I could not visit. Finally Wednesday he tells me. Which honestly I was fine with. Trusted his word. I have known him and my hubs since I was 14 years old(Im now 33 lol) Yesterday...He finally says not everyone is ok in the kind of relationship I want. I guess what I find in the end..I was his dirty little secret. As long as things were hidden it was great. But when we all went to a function a few weeks ago, my brother and lots of my friends were there..and it became not so hidden to him. Talk about a slap in the face. I guess I never even noticed it was all so secret. I never hid it. And all I could think of after this all happened(through text messages no less) was holy crap.. I was a freaking dirty little secret. someone to be ashamed of. and honestly..felt like all I was, was a piece of arse. Cried till my head hurt. Because I love him. Always have. When all 3 of us were together...I felt complete. Maybe its because when we were younger I was always with them. so its just something natural. I feel lost right now. I feel lonely. My hubs works a lot. and it was nice to have my bf to talk to during the long days. today I am going between being hurt to being mad. to feeling like my heart is breaking. I talked to hubs yesterday and told him if we ever found someone we could click with that could be his friend as well as my lover, I want to make sure I was never a secret again. Not jumping into the dating pool for a little while. And being here in Oklahoma we may never find someone again. TO many closed minded people. I just needed to vent and hear how people handle these kind of issues. Im angry because my kids are upset about not seeing his son anymore. And not having them come with us places. And I really couldnt even explain to them why! I know I handled my bf bad when he tried his I just wanna be friends text messages. But Im 33 and not some teen in high school. And told him no. I cant. Not at this point. And let him know how hurt I am that he was ashamed of our relationship when he knew from the very beginning and came into it all with all the facts. Im mad that he felt the need to hide. I mean I dont go advertising it. But I dont hide. this just sucks.
 
TY RP. Im sure it will get easier as time passes. at least I hope
chris
 
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry. I can't imagine how badly you might feel right now - feeling something is natural and positive is great, finding out a partner isn't really committed to poly and feels embarrassed about a relationship they had with me just because it isn't the norm...I can't imagine the pain.
Sending hopeful wishes your way.
 
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry. I can't imagine how badly you might feel right now - feeling something is natural and positive is great, finding out a partner isn't really committed to poly and feels embarrassed about a relationship they had with me just because it isn't the norm...I can't imagine the pain.
Sending hopeful wishes your way.

I really think thats what hurts me the most. That after all this time. And going places together, his son playing with mine. Never hiding any emotions or feelings... Well honestly I should have seen it before when they didnt go anywhere with us that anyone would know him. Until that one night. And to have him tell me he loves me and misses me 10 min before he says he doesnt wanna see me anymore.. It was a shocker. I feel better today. Still a lil lost. He has been a friend for so long that its hard not to hear from him etc. Its a 18 years friendship gone on top of my lover. It was a major self esteem blow for sure to have someone ashamed and embarrassed of me and mine. Thank you for your warm fuzzy wishes :D Im sure that one day I will get over the pain of losing all that I did. I promise the next relationship will have to be with someone who is ok and happy in this lifestyle. If we ever find that guy that would be happy to be with us as a family not as a in the closet secret.
chris
 
I can understand what you are going through, and sorry it has happened in the way it did.

But.. maybe he was ok with the relationship. Maybe he was being honest.. maybe he wasn't even fooling himself. It might well be that at some point he started to want his own primary.. or only..

You have known/loved and was friends with him for 18 years. Could he have carried the lie that long? I always try to assume the best in the people I love.. doesn't change the "what happened part" but it might change what could be in the future part. Resentments suck the wind out of life.

I am not trying to belittle your loss, thats tough after that many years. In fact, I couldn't imagine it on that level. Heal up..

Ari

best of luck on the healing.
 
THe lover part has only been 6 months this time. The now ex bf was exclusive to me many years ago. before I married hubs. Your not belittling it. Right now the hurt is fresh. Im sure it will fade. I appreciate everything everyone has said so far. I keep trying to look at it from a outside view and well.. thats hard for me. lol so Im hearing it from you guys. Makes me feel a lot better because maybe just maybe someone elses words will make me see what my broken heart isnt at this point. Maybe one day we will be able to be friends again. After my hurt has healed and I can see him without wanting to cry about what I lost.
Chris
 
Give it some time and some space and then start trying to rekindle the friendship once some of the sting has gone out of the breakup. You have 18 years worth of history to rebuild a friendship on.
 
There is a big difference between being ashamed/embarrassed of someone and being ashamed/embarrassed about a situation. From what I can tell it is not you that he had the problem with...it was the relationship dynamic. It's easy for me to say don't take it personally" (because I am often very Vulcan in how I see things) but please keep my comment in mind. Use it as a mantra "It was not me, it was the situation". Remove your self doubt from the real issue...you're boyfriend wants a more conventional arrangement.
 
There is a big difference between being ashamed/embarrassed of someone and being ashamed/embarrassed about a situation. From what I can tell it is not you that he had the problem with...it was the relationship dynamic. It's easy for me to say don't take it personally" (because I am often very Vulcan in how I see things) but please keep my comment in mind. Use it as a mantra "It was not me, it was the situation". Remove your self doubt from the real issue...you're boyfriend wants a more conventional arrangement.

I agree totally with Mon here - don't confuse his reaction over navigating in the current culture to his feelings about you.

Cultural pressure is a tremendously powerful thing. It shapes our every decision. it hinders us from living our lives the way our hearts would dictate.

Sometimes that saves our lives.........other times it wrecks it.

If possible I'd try to keep the lines of communication open. Yea - it will take a while for the hurt to heal some - but it will in time. But by keeping the lines open you don't close the door to the future. Life is funny. Tomorrow is always another day we can't see :)

GS
 
Thanks for putting it in that perspective. I have been sitting here beating myself up over what your right.. is the situation not me. The communication lines between us are closed right now because of me being my typical defensive self. Maybe one day I can open them back up and at least not lose the friendship part. It will just be different. And hard to get used to. Maybe it will happen. I know right now he wont answer me when I try to talk to him so maybe he needs to work out what ever is going on with him too. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much Mono for saying it the way you did. That really does make me feel so much better and makes me not wanna berate myself over the could of should of BS. :)
Chris
 
Its been awhile

This past year has been a long stressful one. I think the last time I really posted was a year ago..when the hubs lied and well after that it all went downhill. TO kinda recap.. Hubs started a yo yo effect where he was ok then not, then ok, then not. Working long days and taking the stress out on me and the kids. And then he decided he would do something he said he wouldnt, then when caught he lied to my face. Trust was shattered. It got worse. Hubs decided rather than talk, he would just remain silent. After a couple months of trying to get him to talk to me and explain.. I gave up. Fast forward 8 months. It was our 13 year wedding anniversary and I was miserable and thinking it was time for me to finally throw in the towel. He decided that he was going to take me out for our anniversary..after not speaking to me for 8 months. And I was having no part of it. To me I was just like...there was no way I was going to dinner with a guy who has had nothing to do with me or his kids for 8 months. Hasnt said Hi Bye kiss my arse nothing... Well I canceled all his plans, let him know I was done with him and the bull. I think thats when he realized how long it had been, and that I had no energy left. And when he decided he would do anything it takes to fix things. The day after our anniversary(when he WANTED to go out) my youngest ended up in the ER(this is a pattern lol he does something every year at that time) And that ended up with a week of doc visits somedays 2 a day. And then surgery a month after. So all my energy was put towards him. S and I just skirted around the issues still and I was not really certain he wanted things to work, and FINALLY after 2 months after my breakdown on the anniversary, he talked. Very slow going. He wants to take back this past year of hell, and he cant. Hes been making a lot of changes. Including a job change. He even suggested me finding a bf again. And right now I cant. Hubs said some extremely hurtful things. And whether he meant them or not.. It hurt. He made me feel like I was pretty much a slut. And some of the things said..revolved around that. Even though we began this journey at his suggestion and pushing. Right now I cant even look at myself.. My self esteem has never been great. And over 3 years ago when we started talking and opening up more than we ever had.. I started feeling better about myself. I didnt feel like something was wrong with me. S threw some of the things I opened up about in my face and made me feel once again something was wrong with me. Until I can be ok with me and the fact I do still love 2 people... And that thats really ok..I dont know..Guess I will find out when I get there again. If I ever get there again. Trust is slowly coming. But its going to be journey. And I cant say whether the turnout will be good or bad. S says he understands and hopes one day I will trust him again, and that theres nothing wrong with me. I havent had time to really focus on me though. I spent 8 months in silence. Just doing what I had to do. Taking care of the kids. and the mundane details of a day. The rest of the time I spent in bed. Now we are bringing the kids back to homeschooling, S changed jobs, stress level decreased a ton. S is happier. Im.. well Im still here. Still in limbo. I still come online and read others posts. I read and read and read. Hoping that I will see Im ok the way I feel and am. In the past year I lost so much Im afraid to try to get any back. It hurt enough to lose it the first time.
Anyways I will leave it at that for now. I appreciate reading others posts. It makes me feel better seeing others whether they are happy or sad, confused...because even I feel that way and it makes me not feel so alone. And that maybe since im not the only one who loves more than 1.. Maybe I am ok
 
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