What to expect with poly relationship that none of us sought out

Re: Post #18 (by BlackUnicorn) ... wow. That opens up a whole new window in my understanding and perception of things. Thank you for posting that. I have saved the addy of that post for my own future reference (I hope that's okay).

Vinccenzo's Post #16 hit me hard too in a way, but it appears to not apply to the situation this thread is about.
 
Re: Post #18 (by BlackUnicorn) ... wow. That opens up a whole new window in my understanding and perception of things. Thank you for posting that. I have saved the addy of that post for my own future reference (I hope that's okay).

Vinccenzo's Post #16 hit me hard too in a way, but it appears to not apply to the situation this thread is about.

Its why I asked rather than accused. It just sounded much like the dynamic of my very religious family. Men do sex to women and women suffer it as a wifely duty and to have children.

Fig, I apologize if you felt accused. The lack of your wife's input, that BaB knows her feelings mostly second hand and the imbalance in expectations all fit the dysfunction of my own family back ground so I threw those questions out for consideration. If the lack of desire for sexual intimacy means someone is asexual then about 90% of the women in my family would be asexual. I'm doubting that's the case. I'm sorry if having someone question it bothers you. I was curious.
 
Its why I asked rather than accused. It just sounded much like the dynamic of my very religious family. Men do sex to women and women suffer it as a wifely duty and to have children.

Fig, I apologize if you felt accused. The lack of your wife's input, that BaB knows her feelings mostly second hand and the imbalance in expectations all fit the dysfunction of my own family back ground so I threw those questions out for consideration. If the lack of desire for sexual intimacy means someone is asexual then about 90% of the women in my family would be asexual. I'm doubting that's the case. I'm sorry if having someone question it bothers you. I was curious.

Vinccenzo: I totally see where you're coming from and how that type of background would generate those reasonable questions.

The asexuality in this situation really does color everything. It's not that it wasn't physically pleasing, it was many times an awesome experience and many Aces can and do very much enjoy the physical act itself.

It's just that there was no or minimal attraction or desire there. That meant that the action essentially became an obligation, a duty — one given out of a sense of love, affection and selflessness, to be sure, but a duty nonetheless.

There are a lot of mixed sexual/ace couples out there who have success — but there are also a lot where that twin track starts to breed resentment and at times outright hostility, particularly if the sexual partner has a high sex drive (I do.) or the Ace is repulsed by sex. (Thankfully not the case for my wife.)

This arrangement is still very much in the formative stage and we're all figuring out where the boundaries should be in everything from time to communication. If nothing else, I'll come out of this with a better understanding of the poly community and how it functions.
 
Hi,

I want to thank you for sharing your story, specially being so respectful & candid about your relationship & asexuality.

I am in a long term loving relationship with an asexual woman. I too have come to a place where I miss & want physical intimacy & passion, don't want to pathologise or keep expecting her to change, and both considering polyamory.

Lucky you have found a wonderful girlfriend who is so supportive and understanding of your love for your ex wife & it sounds like she is equally impressed and smitten with you.

Your story is encouraging & I wish you all the best,

Autumn
 
ps

I also want to say that I will be keen to hear how it all progresses and any lessons learnt. It sounds like early days, but curious about boundaries you have established & any issues that come up.

Sounds like you all have strong communication & empathy, which is a good foundation.
 
Hello Autumn!

I'd say it's still in the early days -we're about 5-6 weeks in from realizing we were looking at a poly thing, I think? When I posted this thread, we were less than a week in.

Not sure a lot has changed. To date, we're all very conscious of each other's comfort and there's a lot of checking in that happens. FN's not big on letting things fester in silence, so whenever there's an issue, it's dealt with immediately.

I think FN is going to chime in, and he can update how things are on that side of the V, which I suspect will the be part that interests you the most if I understand your story well enough from your earlier postings. If you read from the beginning, I'm not terribly comfortable paraphrasing what I understand others to feel/think.

As predicted, I've needed an annoying amount of reassurances. Well, he's not indicated it's annoying, but I feel like it would be to me if our positions were reversed. :)

I remain wary of saying or doing anything that comes off as trying to influence what they have going on (which doesn't mean I succeed all the time) b/c I want them to figure out their stuff independent of me or my role. Which, as a mono, is sort of challenging. I'm really trying to see things through a poly lens though, and my respect and admiration for how FN cares for his wife is tremendous.

They have a regular arrangement now where he spends the night with her 1-2/x week. First couple of times it was really uncomfortable for me. Then it relaxed quite a bit, and now I'm almost totally zen. I was 100% zen this week.

I really dig her, and I feel confident in my own relationship with him. We've had some issues on my side with non-poly stuff that have been more challenging to us than the poly stuff has been.

So, that's the update from my side so far. Now to find out if I am in a totally different universe. Fig, what say you?
 
I'd agree with Babs. (Oh, that nickname is soooo going to stick IRL). It's going fairly well, but it's early days.

I guess what I'd add — and I've said it a few times — is that none of us are poly people in the sense that it's used on this forum. We're all mono people in a poly situation driven by a unique set of circumstances.

If you're the "hinge" then be prepared for work. And yes, that can come across as melodramatic, pretentious and self-important, particularly when outsiders are going to think that you're cake eating. But it really does take some balancing.

I try to keep open lines of communication with both women at all times. You'll find some people on here who don't advise communicating with one side of the V when you're with the other. I don't do that. No matter where I am I make the effort to let them both know I love them, wish them good night and a good morning.

I constantly stop, evaluate, consider and make sure that decisions I'm making are not designed to diminish others to the benefit of myself. It requires a rigorous and often uncomfortable level of self-awareness, but I think it's a necessity — particularly if you're prone to/good at manipulating people. It's the same kind of situation that Babs is talking about when she talks about not wanting to exert undue influence.

The dynamic with the Ace side of the V is comfortable, for the most part. She's getting the domestic comforts and closeness that she craves. I enjoy that and also get the comfort of knowing that I didn't abandon her just because she's "different."

Most of the time it just involves us laying in bed, talking about the world, whatever book she's reading, what craft project is on the horizon. She'll snuggle close and then she'll go to sleep.

It's not much different than what it was when we were married and living together — except there's not an expectation that something would or should happen sexually.

It's definitely helped that the two women get along so well — but that's not a dynamic that everyone may be comfortable with in every situation. I'm glad in mine they are, though.
 
Also, Autumn, if you're not on AVEN's forums, I'd highly suggest it. Very, very helpful to the asexual community and to those of us close to them.
 
I try to keep open lines of communication with both women at all times. You'll find some people on here who don't advise communicating with one side of the V when you're with the other. I don't do that. No matter where I am I make the effort to let them both know I love them, wish them good night and a good morning.

Just wanted to tell you I find this awesome. It's something that I haven't even really thought about, since things haven't progressed in that direction yet. But I'll definitely note it, for sure. Thanks for sharing! :)
 
I've said it a few times — is that none of us are poly people in the sense that it's used on this forum. We're all mono people in a poly situation driven by a unique set of circumstances.

I try to keep open lines of communication with both women at all times. You'll find some people on here who don't advise communicating with one side of the V when you're with the other. I don't do that.

I constantly stop, evaluate, consider and make sure that decisions I'm making are not designed to diminish others to the benefit of myself. It requires a rigorous and often uncomfortable level of self-awareness, but I think it's a necessity.

It's definitely helped that the two women get along so well though.

I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit ....you're sounding more and more poly....might as well embrace it. ....phig:D Fig with a ph might just stick too. :D
 
I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit ....you're sounding more and more poly....might as well embrace it. ....phig:D Fig with a ph might just stick too. :D

I pick up lingo really quickly — it's why I can use the word "agency" and "privilege" around Babs and still maintain a neutral expression. :D
 
Fig and Blythe and Wife (to be named later?), interesting situation you find yourselves in. Talk a lot, figure things out before you take action and talk afterwards. Communication is beyond key.

Also, it sounds like, to me, you've got some situational polyamory going on akin to the arrangement I've found myself in with my guys. Would you go poly with any other people than the people you know? Would you seek out a similar arrangement in the future if this one doesn't work? If you answered "no" to both those, you might just be in a "situational polyamory" thing. Just don't let people who "don't like labels put on us by society" label ya. ;) What works for you is what works for you as long as it works for you.

That said, I've been endlessly fascinated by the discussion of asexuality here. I know it's not really the place or the people who know it best, but it's interesting reading about it being a broader spectrum than I would have suspected.

Oh, and don't sweat the whole closed-loop aspect of the relationship that you're proposing. I'm not poly and neither are the two men with whom I'm in a relationship. I had a little more experience in proposing our relationship at its inception because of a previous poly man I dated, so I had some insight into what I was and was not comfortable with.

Sure, some people can look at closed-loop situations as depriving all partners of the chance to seek out as many other partners to love as they want. However, the glass can be half full as well.

By choosing to focus on each other, we've gotten to know each other's strengths and weaknesses really well. We're also forced, for better or for worse, to deal with the real big things - jealousy, different relationship demands, sharing, etc. - more immediately than if a disgruntled member just dodged the issue by spending more time with a partner outside of the three of us. (Some poly folks will say this doesn't happen, but my first dip into being around poly folks was as the path of least resistance for someone. Well, at least at first.) Is it a model for everyone? No, but it can exist without being suffocating or demanding. And, in our situation, it works fairly well. It may for you three, too.

Anyhow, good luck and keep us posted. Sounds like you three have left the map in a big way, but that doesn't mean you've automatically landed in "here be monsters."
 
Also, it sounds like, to me, you've got some situational polyamory going on akin to the arrangement I've found myself in with my guys. Would you go poly with any other people than the people you know? Would you seek out a similar arrangement in the future if this one doesn't work? If you answered "no" to both those, you might just be in a "situational polyamory" thing. Just don't let people who "don't like labels put on us by society" label ya. ;) What works for you is what works for you as long as it works for you.

This is exactly how I feel — this is entirely situational. I don't want to add anyone else and I can't imagine pursuing this again should the dynamics change. It's a situation that works, and not because something innate in me, but because of how wonderful/amazing the two women are.

There's a lot of talk about being wired for poly or being naturally poly and I don't think I'm either of those things. Am I capable of maintaining two romantic relationships without diminishing either? Yes.

I don't think that makes me poly anymore than being able to play the two notes for Jaws on the piano makes me a pianist.

That said, I've been endlessly fascinated by the discussion of asexuality here. I know it's not really the place or the people who know it best, but it's interesting reading about it being a broader spectrum than I would have suspected.

I've been doing research and reading for months on it — and as interesting as the spectrum is, it's reading how people come to grips with — and struggle with — understanding concepts that sexual people take for granted, that has really amazed me.

If you want to know more, I'd suggest http://www.asexuality.org/en/ — and that's my Levar Burton Reading Rainbow moment of the day.
 
I am equally interested in both your perspectives. But yes my position is like FN. And, like you all,my partner and I would have likely remained monogamous had things been different. Being monogamous (actually mostly celibate monogamy) was what I chose for more than 10 years now. But apart from being a new possibility for us, I am so impressed by the love, ethics and personal insight practiced by poly people.

Babs how great to hear you are feeling totally *zen* about his time with his wife. And FN, I am already beginning to appreciate the bit about 'be prepared to do the work'.

I do have lots of questions but suspect they may be premature and will have to see how things develop. I wonder if you see one as being primary ( is that language helpful?), if FN still sexually desires his wife or if that has changed (I am assuming some shared feelings from years of being unwanted) has FN revisited any issues of grief and loss seeing things be so different, what do you plan to tell our son & family, and practical things like Christmas and holidays.

And yes I have spent time on AVEN,mostly reading & it has helped understand so much.
 
Babs how great to hear you are feeling totally *zen* about his time with his wife. And FN, I am already beginning to appreciate the bit about 'be prepared to do the work'.

Yes, zen this week. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, next month, whenever. I am susceptible to dementors swirling around me, amplifying all of my insecurities, and they can hit at any time. (Sorry for the Harry Potter reference! Best analogy I have though.)

I do have lots of questions but suspect they may be premature and will have to see how things develop. I wonder if you see one as being primary ( is that language helpful?), if FN still sexually desires his wife or if that has changed (I am assuming some shared feelings from years of being unwanted) has FN revisited any issues of grief and loss seeing things be so different, what do you plan to tell our son & family, and practical things like Christmas and holidays.


I suspect this paragraph is intended for FN's replies, but here's my perspective. Primary/secondary means entirely different things to each of the three of us - so it's not necessarily meaningful if we're not using the same vocabulary. What defines those words, practically? Is it amount of time spent with each of us? Is it a comment on length of history? Shared resources? Future plans/hopes? I suspect this is different for each group, depending on their own variables.

In our situation, I feel like we're limited in the time we can spend with each other by environmental factors (we live in different towns and I want to move v e r y slowly where their son is concerned.) Our history is 6 months. We do not share resources other than time. We do share future hopes. We do chat/text/talk constantly during waking hours. With his wife, he shares 17 years of history, they are close co-parents, their respective dwellings are in close proximity, they work together, have lunch most week days, and he spends at least 1 night/week at her place. They are already family. He and I are potential family - but I feel like I get the bulk of his romantic attentions.

Given that, not so interested in the whole label thing. Being called secondary makes me feel less and invites the dementors to attack - what saves me is reminding myself that I feel like all of my needs are being met right now and that even if he offered more, we're not in the place yet to take advantage of that. Nor do I want his wife to feel like she is less when she clearly is not. So I sort of reject those labels.

I'll let FN speak up if he likes, but my clear understanding is that yes, he very much still sexually desires his wife and this has never diminished, nor is it likely to. What I understand to be different now in the wake of understanding that she's asexual is that he does not want her to feel the pressure of being with him sexually. More recently he's internalized the idea that they can be physically close without that sexual expectation, and that's enough. (I think? Again, reading minds and restating what I've been told is sort of dodgy business that invariably omits important nuance.)

We've not discussed feelings of grief and loss. Though at the beginning of our relationship I did see tears in his eyes a couple of times when discussing the dissolution of their marriage. I have been through a divorce that was sorely needed and which liberated me from oppression, and even I felt grief and loss, so I imagine that both FN and his wife, who still love each other very much, are experiencing some of that. Though none of that has been shared with me. Possibly this arrangement mitigates some of that feeling of grief/loss? No idea.

As for telling the son/family - this is an arrangement we intend to keep to ourselves. It's not really anyone else's IRL business. We don't see any reason to tell outsiders or their son anything. That FN and his wife will remain close friends and co-parents is a no-brainer. People do that all the time. Additionally, I think we all agree that it's healthy for the son to see them getting along so well and mutually supportively. It's been discussed what will happen when it comes to the time when I am sleeping over at FN's place when his son is also there. We're not at that stage yet, but when we are, FN's wife has suggested that it would be the most appropriate thing for him to stop spending the night over at her place so as not to confuse the son or put him in a position where he has to be discreet about something to outsiders. But who knows what that will eventually look like.

Christmas and holidays. Sort of refusing to think about that as yet. They're hugely important to me. They're hugely important to her, I think. They share a kid - I think they should spend those times together. If I am not included in that, I am going to have a really hard time. Yet I have my own family and traditions, so yeah, ignoring that for now. It's only June, after all.

Again, I've gone on and on. Brevity is not my strong suit. Kudos to anyone who actually reads all of this. ;)
 
Am I capable of maintaining two romantic relationships without diminishing either? Yes.

Phig :D,

...Are you talking in your head .....because wouldn't the women be the better judges of that.

And does your soon to be ex wife plan to throw a few cents into these discussions?
 
Phig :D,

...Are you talking in your head .....because wouldn't the women be the better judges of that.

And does your soon to be ex wife plan to throw a few cents into these discussions?

A) True — I know that I'm capable of maintaining them without diminishing them in my eyes. Whether I'm doing it WELL is a question for those two.

B) I doubt very seriously she will ever post here. I shared with her another thread — I think you know the one I'm talking about — and watched the blood drain away from her face. I don't think she has any interest in being any more involved beyond occasionally reading threads Babs and I am involved in and chiming in verbally.
 
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