Hi all. I’m hoping to get some advice (or just to vent) about some issues that have been coming up in my relationship. I’ve been with my partner, J, for four years and we’ve been living together for almost one. A couple months ago, he started a friendship with a woman, M, which evolved to include intimacy. They see each other pretty regularly, have had sex once, and continue to fool around. I’ve been struggling with my jealousy over this, which is compounded by the fact that I’m finding it difficult to accept that he’s interested in a woman (I’ve known him as a gay man for four years, and this sudden attraction to a woman is strange to me, but that’s not up to me to make a judgment on, and is neither here nor there).
Anyways, I’ve been trying to allow myself to examine my jealousy and fully feel it, etc., because I know it’s my own issue to work out. Lately though, I’ve been feeling like J isn’t on my side in all of this. When we talk about things that I’m comfortable with, my jealousy seems like more of an inconvenience to him than something he wants to help me through.
As an example, I’ve previously told him I’m uncomfortable with the idea of him having sex with someone else in our bed, because I need to feel that there’s a private space that’s just for us. A few days ago, he asked me if that was still the same, or if there was some leeway (we live in small apartment in nyc, so there’s not much space, and apparently M, who lives alone, only has a single bed). I reaffirmed that I still wouldn’t be comfortable with it. He said he respected my feelings on that, but then asked me for suggestions on what he can do if he can’t use my bed. I couldn’t think of anything, and he kept pushing, asking if he could use our bed if he changed the sheets, etc. I didn’t like the implication—it felt like he was implying that since I wasn’t comfortable with them using our bed, it was my job to come up with a solution. I told him that I didn’t have any other suggestions, and that frankly I felt like it wasn’t my problem to solve. This led to snide remarks from him about buying a separate bed for our room, and how space in new york doesn’t accommodate “my rigidity.” I felt like even though he stated that he respected what I was comfortable with and what I wasn’t, it was just something he said to try to convince me to be more comfortable with what was convenient for him.
Another example, the other night we were both going to hang out at M’s house to watch TV. He asked me if I was comfortable with him kissing her in front of me, or holding her hand in front of me. I told him that I didn’t think I would be, and he said that he was going to try it anyway as a way of testing to see if it made me uncomfortable. Well, we get there, and after a while, J and M are full on cuddling, fully embraced on one couch, while I’m on another by myselft. I hated it. I was expecting him to put his hand on her leg, or hold her hand or something. They even kissed goodbye when we left. I felt like the third wheel with my own boyfriend. After we left, I told him that it went too far for my comfort, but that it might have actually been a good thing that it went too far, because it made me more sure of my boundaries. He asked me what those boundaries were, and I said that I would be ok with some affection, but that the way they were full-on spooning made me feel like I was a third wheel. His response was just: “Well, if it were me, I wouldn’t mind feeling like a third wheel for an hour or two per week” and accused me of being selfish and only thinking of how things affect me.
I’m starting to feel like I don’t even want to talk about what I’m comfortable with or not, because it’s just met with hostility and resentment. Am I way off base here? I’m not even trying to tell him what he can and can’t do with M when I’m not around—these issues that have come up recently are related to things that directly affect me (i.e. our bed, and how comfortable I am with him being affectionate with her when I’m around.)
I don’t really know if I’m asking a question, I’m more just frustrated and needed to vent. I don’t really know how to go about discussing these things with him in a more productive way.
Anyways, I’ve been trying to allow myself to examine my jealousy and fully feel it, etc., because I know it’s my own issue to work out. Lately though, I’ve been feeling like J isn’t on my side in all of this. When we talk about things that I’m comfortable with, my jealousy seems like more of an inconvenience to him than something he wants to help me through.
As an example, I’ve previously told him I’m uncomfortable with the idea of him having sex with someone else in our bed, because I need to feel that there’s a private space that’s just for us. A few days ago, he asked me if that was still the same, or if there was some leeway (we live in small apartment in nyc, so there’s not much space, and apparently M, who lives alone, only has a single bed). I reaffirmed that I still wouldn’t be comfortable with it. He said he respected my feelings on that, but then asked me for suggestions on what he can do if he can’t use my bed. I couldn’t think of anything, and he kept pushing, asking if he could use our bed if he changed the sheets, etc. I didn’t like the implication—it felt like he was implying that since I wasn’t comfortable with them using our bed, it was my job to come up with a solution. I told him that I didn’t have any other suggestions, and that frankly I felt like it wasn’t my problem to solve. This led to snide remarks from him about buying a separate bed for our room, and how space in new york doesn’t accommodate “my rigidity.” I felt like even though he stated that he respected what I was comfortable with and what I wasn’t, it was just something he said to try to convince me to be more comfortable with what was convenient for him.
Another example, the other night we were both going to hang out at M’s house to watch TV. He asked me if I was comfortable with him kissing her in front of me, or holding her hand in front of me. I told him that I didn’t think I would be, and he said that he was going to try it anyway as a way of testing to see if it made me uncomfortable. Well, we get there, and after a while, J and M are full on cuddling, fully embraced on one couch, while I’m on another by myselft. I hated it. I was expecting him to put his hand on her leg, or hold her hand or something. They even kissed goodbye when we left. I felt like the third wheel with my own boyfriend. After we left, I told him that it went too far for my comfort, but that it might have actually been a good thing that it went too far, because it made me more sure of my boundaries. He asked me what those boundaries were, and I said that I would be ok with some affection, but that the way they were full-on spooning made me feel like I was a third wheel. His response was just: “Well, if it were me, I wouldn’t mind feeling like a third wheel for an hour or two per week” and accused me of being selfish and only thinking of how things affect me.
I’m starting to feel like I don’t even want to talk about what I’m comfortable with or not, because it’s just met with hostility and resentment. Am I way off base here? I’m not even trying to tell him what he can and can’t do with M when I’m not around—these issues that have come up recently are related to things that directly affect me (i.e. our bed, and how comfortable I am with him being affectionate with her when I’m around.)
I don’t really know if I’m asking a question, I’m more just frustrated and needed to vent. I don’t really know how to go about discussing these things with him in a more productive way.