I think I want to open my relationship - but is for the right reasons?

DaniShay

New member
Lately I have been thinking of talking to my current partner of 2 1/2 years, who I live with, about exploring opening our relationship. I tried once before but it did not go well.
However before I try again I want to make sure I am doing it for the right reasons but I just am not sure. Firstly I love my boyfriend, and am very happy in our relationship. We have great communication and we managed to talk through me bringing this up initially. However, we are both 24, and I can really see myself marrying him one day (years down the line) but I also feel like I am not ready to sexually limit myself.
There is a guy in California (I am in NY), that I used to sleep with before my bf. It was a great sexual relationship with a lot of trust and friendship although we never were an official couple as I was going to school out of state. I saw him recently and our connection and chemistry is just as amazing as it always was. I know if things were to open up I would want to explore sex with him more. I have talked to him and he wants to sleep with me too, but we are both actively trying to respect the boundaries of my relationship currently.
Im just not sure - do I want sexual openness in my relationship, or am I just looking for a way to cheat without cheating? I was cheated on before and it is the last thing I want to do to my bf. I would never want to disrespect him in that way.
And I am a bit uncomfortable thinking about him with other women. And I feel I need more clarity in understanding my feelings there as well as I know a one sided open relationship could not work for us (we talked through that part).

I'm just so confused and don't know how to start processing this all.
Any advice is welcome and thank you so much.
 
To me it sounds like you are here. I quote just to visually block it off:

I don't want to cheat. I want to be respectful.

I want to ask for his willingness and his consent to change our current Closed relationship model to an Open Model.

I want it to be fair and Open on both sides.

  • I want to be free to explore a sexual relationship with California Guy.
    • BF is ____ with this.
    • I am comfortable with this.
  • I want him to be free to date other women.
    • BF is ____ with this.
    • I am not entirely comfortable with this.
      • I am willing / not willing to work through this.


What about him dating other women makes you uncomfortable? Could these help your articulate anything?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Galagirl
 
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Im just not sure - do I want sexual openness in my relationship, or am I just looking for a way to cheat without cheating?

So it sounds like you're holding a lot of guilt about HAVING sexual desire outside your relationship - thus the part where you're thinking this is cheating *even* if it's something that you do end up agreeing on with your partner. (And I totally get this, societal programming is a stone b**** to overcome and even after being open/poly for over a decade, guilt over not being monogamous still pops up and says hi every once in a while.)

The question here is whether *you* actually believe that those desires are wrong/inappropriate - as I think that's the difference between "wanting sexual openness" and "cheating without cheating".

And I am a bit uncomfortable thinking about him with other women. And I feel I need more clarity in understanding my feelings there as well as I know a one sided open relationship could not work for us (we talked through that part).

I'm just so confused and don't know how to start processing this all.
Any advice is welcome and thank you so much.

As far as thinking about him with other women, the best way I've found to eliminate being uncomfortable is to work on what the *root* of that lack of comfort is. Are you afraid that if he meets someone else he'll end up leaving? (Because that's possible whether you're mono or open...) Or some other fear?
 

Thank you for the article. I think I am comfortable or at least can be comfortable with both of us having sex outside our relationship consentually. It's the emotional side I fear - I don't want him to love anyone else, romantically. I want to be his number 1, and I would feel threatened that another woman could give him more than me. And worse that opening things up could bring that right to my doorstep.
 
So it sounds like you're holding a lot of guilt about HAVING sexual desire outside your relationship - thus the part where you're thinking this is cheating *even* if it's something that you do end up agreeing on with your partner. (And I totally get this, societal programming is a stone b**** to overcome and even after being open/poly for over a decade, guilt over not being monogamous still pops up and says hi every once in a while.)

The question here is whether *you* actually believe that those desires are wrong/inappropriate - as I think that's the difference between "wanting sexual openness" and "cheating without cheating".



As far as thinking about him with other women, the best way I've found to eliminate being uncomfortable is to work on what the *root* of that lack of comfort is. Are you afraid that if he meets someone else he'll end up leaving? (Because that's possible whether you're mono or open...) Or some other fear?

I absolutely feel terribly guilty. I don't feel sexual desires for others are wrong, it's natural. It's the emotional side I fear. I don't feel the need to love anyone else romantically and I would be hurt if he loved someone else.
 
I think you both really need to think about the risk and possibilities of developing those emotional attachments. We see SOOOOO many threads on here where people started with an open policy that allowed sex but not love, and both people agreed, but then someone started developing feelings and didn't want to have to ignore them anymore. Cue resentment from the other partner for feeling forced into polyamory vs a polysexual dynamic.

If you you're going to consider opening up, you both definitely need to know that the emotional side of things might happen.

Not saying that you shouldn't open up, but at least be prepared. And if you do a bit more research into poly you might find material that helps to alleviate those concerns as well. Many people fear their partner developing other emotional attachments and then once they experience it, realize that it's not the horrible thing they imagined (though for some it certainly is a struggle and just not something they can ever accept).

Browse these forums some, but also read books about opening up. More Than Two is a good start. It might also just help you guys to know what are the big issues to really discuss before you can decide if opening up is right for either/both of you.
 
I absolutely feel terribly guilty. I don't feel sexual desires for others are wrong, it's natural. It's the emotional side I fear. I don't feel the need to love anyone else romantically and I would be hurt if he loved someone else.

I'm afraid I am not following you, or that you're being contradictory.

These two statements seem to be exact opposites:
I absolutely feel terribly guilty.
I don't feel sexual desires for others are wrong, it's natural.

Or is it that you're guilty because you're afraid that if you *do* sleep with your ex - who you have an "amazing connection" with - that there WILL be an emotional side to it? To me, casual sex is only possible with people that you just have chemistry with, not "amazing connections". (Note that this is a feature, not a bug for me!)


I think you both really need to think about the risk and possibilities of developing those emotional attachments. We see SOOOOO many threads on here where people started with an open policy that allowed sex but not love, and both people agreed, but then someone started developing feelings and didn't want to have to ignore them anymore.

<snip>

Many people fear their partner developing other emotional attachments and then once they experience it, realize that it's not the horrible thing they imagined (though for some it certainly is a struggle and just not something they can ever accept).

This x1000.
 
I don't want him to love anyone else, romantically. I want to be his number 1, and I would feel threatened that another woman could give him more than me. And worse that opening things up could bring that right to my doorstep.

So... are you monoamorous (share love with only 1 partner) and polysexual (can share sex with more than 1 partner)?

And the Open Model you want is more like a 1a from that article? You are looking to swing? Not so much an polyamorous arrangement? Maybe you could clarify what open model you seek for yourself before asking the BF what Open models he's up for (if any.)

"Sex but no feelings" as an agreement sometimes leads to people posting here lamenting that the feelings happened anyway... and NOW what? Because they did not think that far ahead and they did not plan for that eventuality.

You might want to examine some of your core beliefs around love. Because if what you want to ask for is swinging, ask for that. Don't ask for poly. But go in knowing that sometimes even in swinging, people start there and then might want something else. Articulate what you want to have happen should that situation arise. A respectful break up? Renegotiate agreements? Something else?

Then you don't have to be afraid -- you have a plan to deal with it. Ask BF if he agrees to that plan or not. If not, don't Open. Spare yourself the grief.

I absolutely feel terribly guilty.

I don't feel the need to love anyone else romantically and I would be hurt if he loved someone else.

Are you saying... "If he loved someone else as well as me? I would be hurt. I would feel bad (guilty) that I am not enough for him." :confused:

If so, that core belief is addressed here:

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

There are Open people that are not the same kind of Open.

  • Like Open for one partner means swinging and Open on the other partner's side means polyamory.

  • Some groupings have one partner as monoamorous but poly-friendly. They don't want to date anyone else. They are in a "V" with their polyamorous hinge person and that hinge person has another partner.

There can be other arrangements. So long as everyone consents and is happy with their arrangement, there isn't anything wrong with "not being the same" on both sides.

Maybe some of these worksheets help you sort out your thoughts too.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/


In the end, you will have to decide what the price of admission is that you want to pay.

  • To stay Closed? The price of admission might be giving up the want to explore sexually with others.

  • To Open? The price of admission might be giving up emotional exclusivity with BF because it is possible he may come to love you AND another partner. Plus doing some work to overcome your fears/update core beliefs that no longer fit.

I encourage you to do the soul searching you need to do. Organize your thoughts.

Galagirl
 
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I'm afraid I am not following you, or that you're being contradictory.

These two statements seem to be exact opposites:



Or is it that you're guilty because you're afraid that if you *do* sleep with your ex - who you have an "amazing connection" with - that there WILL be an emotional side to it? To me, casual sex is only possible with people that you just have chemistry with, not "amazing connections". (Note that this is a feature, not a bug for me!)




This x1000.

I think it is that I feel conflicted. In my head I understand that feeling sexual desire for another person is fine. I think my guilt comes from the fact that I want to act on it, and that I don't want to hurt my partner by having those feelings. I am not worried that my "ex" and I would develop. We were always good with boundaries. I think I also feel guilty for having a better sexual connection with someon other than my bf,
 
So... are you monoamorous (share love with only 1 partner) and polysexual (can share sex with more than 1 partner)?

And the Open Model you want is more like a 1a from that article? You are looking to swing? Not so much an polyamorous arrangement? Maybe you could clarify what open model you seek for yourself before asking the BF what Open models he's up for (if any.)

"Sex but no feelings" as an agreement sometimes leads to people posting here lamenting that the feelings happened anyway... and NOW what? Because they did not think that far ahead and they did not plan for that eventuality.

You might want to examine some of your core beliefs around love. Because if what you want to ask for is swinging, ask for that. Don't ask for poly. But go in knowing that sometimes even in swinging, people start there and then might want something else. Articulate what you want to have happen should that situation arise. A respectful break up? Renegotiate agreements? Something else?

Then you don't have to be afraid -- you have a plan to deal with it. Ask BF if he agrees to that plan or not. If not, don't Open. Spare yourself the grief.





Are you saying... "If he loved someone else as well as me? I would be hurt. I would feel bad (guilty) that I am not enough for him." :confused:

If so, that core belief is addressed here:

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

There are Open people that are not the same kind of Open.

  • Like Open for one partner means swinging and Open on the other partner's side means polyamory.

  • Some groupings have one partner as monoamorous but poly-friendly. They don't want to date anyone else. They are in a "V" with their polyamorous hinge person and that hinge person has another partner.

There can be other arrangements. So long as everyone consents and is happy with their arrangement, there isn't anything wrong with "not being the same" on both sides.

Maybe some of these worksheets help you sort out your thoughts too.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/


In the end, you will have to decide what the price of admission is that you want to pay.

  • To stay Closed? The price of admission might be giving up the want to explore sexually with others.

  • To Open? The price of admission might be giving up emotional exclusivity with BF because it is possible he may come to love you AND another partner. Plus doing some work to overcome your fears/update core beliefs that no longer fit.

I encourage you to do the soul searching you need to do. Organize your thoughts.

Galagirl


Oh wow thank you. That is a lot of information and a lot of new terms I am unfamiliar with. I will definitely be looking through it. Thank you so much.
 
Hi DaniShay,

I think that the biggest obstacle for you is this idea that, "We need to limit ourselves to having sex with others, we must not become emotionally involved with them." Not because that sort of agreement never works; sometimes it does. But not always, and that's the rub. It is hard to predict whether it would work in your case. Sometimes we can enter an arrangement thinking, "Sure I can refrain from emotional involvement, that's easy," but then it turns out to not be so easy. And what do you do then?

That's the biggest obstacle for you, but maybe your (current) partner has a different obstacle. It sounds the two of you have discussed this opening-up idea previously, and it didn't go so well? Was there a particular concern that he had and if so, was it the same as your concern or different?

Does your partner believe he can get sexually involved with others without getting emotionally involved? If he does, do you lack confidence in his belief?

Hopefully this thread has been helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You need to let go of your posessive and jealous tendencies if you want to open your relationship.
 
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