open or poly?

Smiles

New member
Hello everybody,

My wife and I have been together for 22 years, married for 13 years. We still get along great most of the time, we are best friends, we co-parent, we have companionship, and we keep an intact home for our daughter.

For 17 years, our marriage was almost sexless. That was fine because she filled a need that no other woman before her filled.

Then several years ago, I hit my MLC. I started to get in shape and sex went from 2X a month to 10X a month. My wife didnt know what hit her. She was fine with sex 2X a month. But I wasnt. I felt I had 17 years to catch up on. My wife and I love each other and she will give me the sex I desire, but it seems to be too much for her. She loves me enough to try. I love her for that...

It started off as her jokingly telling me I need a lover...It continued and she was even telling our close friends that she was OK if I have sex with other women. Still it was sounding like she was joking... we decided to have an open marriage. We have a two page contract for our open marriage agreement. We both signed it along with a witness. One who we talked about our open marriage with over the past 6 monts or so.

Something changed after signing the contract. My wife became more romantic and loving...Maybe it was because I was treating her better...I am nicer, I stopped nicpicking, and stopped bringing up past resentments...all part of the contract. I became a friend again...My wife and I are having better sex and she is orgasms more than ever. I no longer expected or demanded sex anymore . It seemed to take the pressure off of her. I haven't even had an outside relationship yet... Not sexual anyway. I dont know what is really happening in my mind. I feel better though.

I have many female friends. I am a talker. That is a change from years of being an introvert. I enjoy to company of my female friends. I am also very active in a hiking group. I am meeting more women there. I am also making male friends. I havent had any male friends most of my adult life. That is beginning to change as well.

I found this site in hopes to find others like me. I dont know if I am poly minded. I don't want to cheat. I tell my wife about all the women Iam meeting including conversations we talk about. I have been on some lunch dates, but mostly just having fun meeting new people

Eventually I will find somebody with the right chemistry... I have a few potentials and I honestly hope my wife is OK with this arrangement and not hiding any negitive feelings...

I dont know how I will feel when I do have a sexual relationship. I dont want anybody to get hurt especially my wife. I do know if my wife tells he to stop, I will in a heartbeat because I love her more than anything.

I'll be posting more as I progress in my marriage and new relationships

I'll study up on the acroynyms...there are so many...
 
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Welcome! It seems that you understand the most important thing about being poly, which is that honesty, openness and communication is absolutely vital.
 
Hi Smiles,

Sounds like you are proceeding with caution, and tapping into the wisdom of a good poly forum, which is exactly what you need to do. Just take it slow, and check with your wife frequently to see how she's feeling about things.

Curious: Is she also interested in dating new people, or is this just mainly her giving you the okay for it?

Regardless of whether you decide you're poly, I hope you and your wife enjoy much happiness together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Smiles,

Sounds like you are proceeding with caution, and tapping into the wisdom of a good poly forum, which is exactly what you need to do. Just take it slow, and check with your wife frequently to see how she's feeling about things.

Curious: Is she also interested in dating new people, or is this just mainly her giving you the okay for it?

Regardless of whether you decide you're poly, I hope you and your wife enjoy much happiness together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

My wife was a virgin at age 25...It took about a year to consummate our relationship...I was always patient with her...I don't believe she would want to go out on a date with anybody else...

I don't think I would mind at all if she had a relationship with another man (or woman)...when I met her she had a close lesbian friend...my wife was so sheltered, I don't think she was ever intimate with her.

My wife isn't really honest with her feelings with me. (My gut instincts) I have to go by what she verbally tells me. We do communicate. I think the problem she has with an open/marriage is not being able to talk about it with her family.

It's about having morals... She says...

She is doing this for me to make me happy...However, if this arrangement is going to hurt her, She has to let me know soon...
 
She is doing this for me to make me happy...However, if this arrangement is going to hurt her, She has to let me know soon...

If there's any doubt about it, I'd really recommend that you hold back.
 
If there's any doubt about it, I'd really recommend that you hold back.

Yes, I understand this. That's why I am on this forum. My wife isnt all that affectionate. I am all about the hugs and kisses. Sometimes I want to on the receiving end of it.

I do know its all about communication.

How can I get my wife to tell me what she is really thinking instead of telling me what she thinks I want to hear?
 
Well, I don't know that there's a way to "get her" to do that; she has to decide to do that on her own. Maybe there's some kind of slick salesman technique you can use to "get her to yes," but if there is, it's probably not very ethical to use it (and it would be out of my range of expertise regardless).

Given the misgivings you have about the communication between you two, and worries about her dissatisfaction (even after signing a two-page contract!), I think that instead of acting on any of these open and/or poly feelings, the two of you should get together with a marriage counselor. Preferably a poly-friendly one. I have links to help you find a poly-friendly counselor if needed, just let me know.

So she's not happy about the poly; you're not happy with things in the marriage (e.g. not getting the hugs and kisses you would like). Has there been troubles in the past where you found out she wasn't being honest with you about how unhappy she was? Sometimes people hold back out of fear of hurting the other person's feelings. Perhaps she is trying to spare your feelings and not rock the boat?

At any rate, poly (or any open arrangement for that matter) is generally not recommended when your "baseline relationship" (i.e. your marriage) doesn't have sure footing. The most I would do about poly for now if I were you is just to read and post here on Polyamory.com and see what kind of collective wisdom you can tap into. But I do suspect, from what little I've read of your story so far, that the marital problems are pretty serious: more serious perhaps than they seem to be on the surface.
 
Sounds as though you have good reason to believe that your wife isn't 100% on board with an open relationship. Whenever I read about somebody doing something that upsets them just to make a partner happy, it seems to go less than well.


when I met her she had a close lesbian friend...my wife was so sheltered, I don't think she was ever intimate with her.

I'm interested in this. Was your wife attracted to her friend? Has she ever been attracted to a woman.

It sounds from your writing as if you are unused to having many friends and you may have something of a strange impression of friendship. All friendships don't have to become sexual relationships. I have a number of close lesbian friends and a number of close heterosexual male friends who I've never had sex with. Not because I'm particularly sheltered - just because for a variety of reasons, sex isn't part of those friendships.

Just because I may be attracted to some men and a male friend of mine may be attracted to some women doesn't mean that he and I have to have sex.
 
I don't think we have serious marriage problems. We did a while back,but it is getting better.

My wife grew up with a "sex is bad" attitude. I see that with her siblings as well.

I grew up with a cheating Dad and Divorce, My mother bringing men home on occasion and one time when we all had to share a room, I was asleep in the room and my mom was having sex with a man just a few feet away. She was a little drunk and didn't know I was there. My Dad later cheated on my step mom and he told me all about like I was his best bud...

My wife believes her parents stopped having sex after she was born.. She doesn't believe they have had sex in 30 years. I always heard my Dad and step-mom having sex.

Even though I experienced all that, I never saw it as. dirty. I think my wife has the opposite attitude.

Going to a MC? My wife says all they will do is help us compromise. So that's what she is doing...

I don't know if we have serious marriage issues.Everything else is good.

My wife isn't the affectionate type. Not even with our daughter. My wife doesn't even call her sister or parents all that often. She withholds the truth with them as well to spare their feelings. That's just how she is. I know she probably does that with me as well.

We have been together a very long time... I was the one who changed... I didn't think getting in shape would have such an impact on my libido...I have to deal with that. I have to give her more time.

I don't want sex with all of my new female friends, even the attractive ones. Most I don't feel the sexual chemistry anyway. I like the friend part of it...Just talking to people in general.

My wife was my only friend for 22 years. There has been just 3 nights in 22 years that we have been apart, plus the 6 months we split up early on in our relationship. She is still everything to me and she is a wonderful woman.

All I know is that since we have been talking about sex more and about an open marriage and then signing the contract, she has bee way more sexual....When I talk about other possible relationships, she becomes even more affectionate..

Yes, she is afraid of loosing me, that is part of it as well, I don't want to lose her either.

I just feel on some level I forced her into this, even though she seemed very happy to sign it... Even a little giddy....She is the one telling our mutual close friends about it...

I am not going to have sex with another woman in the near future..I have to get to know them first and a lot has to happen before that point... For one thing they may not be OK with me being married...I have discovered that as well in a very short time...

If we decide to rip up our contract, I am fine with that. I don't want my wife to be devistated if I end up having sex with another woman.
 
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To add... I was 12 years old when I saw my mom having sex a few feet away...I don't think she was embarrassed the next day when I told her I was in the room...I don't remember how I felt back then. I know soon after that, I moved to live with my dad.

My wife did tell me recently that I always wanted an open marriage... I don't remember ever saying that...She even told me when I first told her about my childhood, I said that I wasn't sure I would be monogamous. I don't remember that either. She expected me to have affairs over the years, especially now that we opened our marriage.

Somehow we have made it 22 years and we still love each other. It's just not the sexual lust, passionate love. We are still good together. I don't want that to end.

I think that is why I am here on this forum... It doesn't seem like I will be judged too harshly here...

I welcome all opinions...
 
You told in this thread:

I was the one who always wanted to have a family. Before we married, she always said "some day I want kids" Eventually, after 8 plus years of living together, we got married. Then we hit our mid 30's. We were running out of time...I convinced my wife we should get pregnant... She had her reservations... We got off the pill and 2 months later we were pregnant.

My wife had the hardest time being mom... It was a disaster... Major PPD...I knew our first child would be our only.

Many women have that deep feeling motherly type instinct...My wife never had that and she knew that. She did it for me...I love her for that.

My thoughts considering this quote and the thread here: If she has a history of doing such big sacrifices for you, it might very well be that this open marriage arrangement is another one of those.

You are saying that she is not very good at expressing her emotions to you. Now I ask you: Are you willing and able to hear, comprehend and accept her emotions? In this child issue, you did not really listen to her reservations and talked her into having a baby "for you". Now you say you love her for that.

Now, this opening up thing. Maybe it will be another sacrifice, and she counts on you not really ever taking her emotions for real and that you will love her if she makes herself miserable - just like she did with becoming a mom.

Of course I hope this is not the case, but this history would make me very cautious to proceed.
 
You told in this thread:



My thoughts considering this quote and the thread here: If she has a history of doing such big sacrifices for you, it might very well be that this open marriage arrangement is another one of those.

You are saying that she is not very good at expressing her emotions to you. Now I ask you: Are you willing and able to hear, comprehend and accept her emotions? In this child issue, you did not really listen to her reservations and talked her into having a baby "for you". Now you say you love her for that.

Now, this opening up thing. Maybe it will be another sacrifice, and she counts on you not really ever taking her emotions for real and that you will love her if she makes herself miserable - just like she did with becoming a mom.

Of course I hope this is not the case, but this history would make me very cautious to proceed.



My wife always knew I wanted a family..she always said some day she would. When we split up, that was part of the reason. So when she moved out, I bought a house and I started to date other women...

She started calling me and wanted to know about my dates...Then she decided that she wanted to come back..Maybe when she realized that other women were showing interest, she didn't want me to get away...For a long time she was all affectionate which is what I wanted. We soon got married. She always knew I wanted a family and she wasn't honest with me at the very beginning. Maybe she was afraid of losing me again...We are friends, we co-parent, we have the companionship, and here lately, we have more sex and better quality sex than we did for the first 17 plus years...She just does it for me so we stay married. I know she enjoys sex and she climaxes.She did tell me she doesnt feel more loved with sex.

As far as emotions? I have to force it out of her. If she would of told me 20 years ago that she didn't want kids, I may have moved on...Now, My family , is the most important thing in this world to me. I would never do anything to hurt my wife.

I know this open marriage may not be the best solution. It seems to be working to improve intimacy between us...if its real...

If we were to go to a MC, the whole truth would come out. She doesnt want that.
 
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I really hope my wife isn't miserable. I know she likes being mom now. I don't think she wold be miserable i this open marriage...She doest act like it.
 
I know my wife likes being a mother now. It was just hard for her the first few years. She puts so much energy into being mom. Our daughter is fortunate to have a SAHM for as long as she has so far. My wife would dare have our daughter at a day care...
 
Our mutual friend... Actually, the mother our daughters friend, the one who witnessed our open marriage contract is reading Sex At Dawn...She said their MC recommended the book...I didn't think a MC would do that...

I don't know if our open marriage conversation was discussed with her MC or not...I think she and I have so much in common.... She is adorable as well...

I think she would make a good poly relationship...

Don't know what my wife would think about that...I think they get along great...They have become great friends over the past several years.

She is usually around after my hikes and will ask if I met anybody new or some crazy story another hiker told me... After one of my group hikes, I was going to get take out...I was debating to take a shower before getting it..(usually I will have a beer while I wait for the pizza....) So she told me I should sower first because I may meet somebody new and I should look my best and not be stinky and dirty...which I was after the 12 mile hike...my wife agreed with her... I just find that a little funny... So they wanted the report when I came back....the waitress/manager usually gives me a free Shiner while I wait..She is adorable too...

Life is fun!
 
Sounds like a lot of possibilities there ... Keep us posted.
 
Sounds like a lot of possibilities there ... Keep us posted.

I don't know if there are possibilities or just wishful thinking... I am just having a good time enjoying the process.

Eventually I will take that next leap.

I just don't know how to tell them I have an open marriage without sounding like I am just after sex with them...As of now, I like their company and I want to get to know them better...

They all know I am married...
 
Well one thing at a time. No need to try to tell them everything at once. At some point you might get a chance to say something like, "I have an open marriage; is that okay?" Whereas the question, "Would you be interested," would be something to ask later on down the road.
 
I don't know if there are possibilities or just wishful thinking... I am just having a good time enjoying the process.

Eventually I will take that next leap.

I just don't know how to tell them I have an open marriage without sounding like I am just after sex with them...As of now, I like their company and I want to get to know them better...

They all know I am married...

What used to work for me was to say something like "my gf/wife and I are in an open relationship". Sometimes I would make it funny depending on the crowd, like "I never liked the contraints of a religious society"

You can't control how they interpret. But you do have to be comfortable in how you come out. Just because someone says "I am gay" doesn't mean they want to hump your leg. It just means they are gay. Its my responsibility as the receiver of the information to understand that its their right to be heard :)

Then we can discuss the humping of legs. ;)
 
There's some new interesting development's. There are several women I am working on, so Its time I give them names.

I am kind of a dummy and I just have to pick up on any clues that they might be interested... After 22 years, its so new to me....I also feel like I am doing this with both hands tied behind my back...

I almost think I should have a NSA relationship, just to get that out of the way...Then I can gauge my wife's reaction. We do have an open marriage now...

I would hate to get emotionally close to a woman and find out my is jealous and really loves me more than in a friendship way she says...

I just received the two books...opening up and ethical slut...I want my wife to read them as well...

Its time that I start giving names to these women..
 
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