Which way to turn?

I would die.

Seriously, I would just..... die. Life without garlic?? Unthinkable!
 
I experienced odd emotions a lil bit ago. Karma called g/f to see how she was doing/feeling and she was with a friend and her other b/f.

I have no idea why, but I was jealous. What The Fuck! My emotions have suddenly decided she can't be with anyone but Karma. Ummm, not how this works, not how she works, and I don't tend to get jealous, let alone jealous of a guy I don't like. Maybe that was it. Maybe I don't like it b/c I don't like him, honestly I find him to be the scum of scum, but to each their own.

Interesting thoughts to work through. I guess in a way it shows I'm starting to care for her. I tend to feel no one is good enough for Karma, so I guess by feeling no one is good enough for her, but Karma, I'm making complicated improvements :confused:


Karma and I went in search of flavored tobacco for the pipe he got at the pow wow. We had some luck. But no where near the selection Ohio has, maybe ppl here just have less time on there hands? There's a shop called Shamans Den we're gonna check out hopefully wednesday. I'm still looking for a pipe to use in ritual. (Shamans tend to send prayer to the anscestors up in tobacco smoke). and then we did some walking and are now enjoying a quiet evening at home.
 
Do not feel good today, not sure if it's been the new meds, if I'm getting sick or something else, but I've been feeling really off the last two weeks. And the random nausea is getting old fast. Today that's mixed with feeling like passing out. Bah!

Karma and I started reorganizing the living room and with books all over the floor he took off to g/f's house. The friend of Karmas she slept with has gotten crazy obsessive and she told him today that she was done and didn't want to see him anymore and he blames the whole things on Karma. Whatever, we all find it laughable how someone that intelligent can be that immature. If he thinks she is so easily molded why does he want her at all? Oh wait to manipulate and mold her himself, instead of letting her emmerge as an adult on her own. He ahs always made me a little apprehensive but now I just don't want anything to do with him. Dude is fucking creepy. He's putting her other b/f (sometimes referred to as her ex on here) to shame and that dude is obsessed!!

I'm kinda happy to sit here in my little hole and not deal with it.

The other reason Karma took off was to sit down with g/f's mom and discuss the self defense g/f's 10 yr old brother wants to learn. Karmas okay with teaching, but isn't doing anything without parental consent. Which I admire.

But I now have a maze in my living room, dinner will be ready in 10 min and Karma is off being a superhero. I'm not upset that she needs him. I'm upset he couldn't wait 30 min, eat dinner, help put books away and then go.

I'm having a hard time seeing where his priorties are. He seems fine to spend alone time with me, or do things around the house or whatever, but the minute she calls, everything drops and off he goes. I'm not as strict about the 24 hr rule I had originaly, mostly b/c they ignored it anyway. "I know it's not 24 hrs but..." I'm not overly upset, my world isn't falling apart nor am I seething in anger, but I'd like to solve this feeling before that happens. I'm starting to feel like I'm only good enough to fill his time until she calls.

And I get that they don't live together. I get their time is scheduled around school, her family, her other b/f and me. And I enjoy time with her now that things aren't so awkward. Karma did ask if I minded her coming over, and I don't. I just don't don't so well with last minute plans.

I guess that is the root of the issue. I never have done well with it and it seems thats all there is anymore and I feel a bit like I'm spinning out of control.
 
I don't know if you want advice but try scheduling in some time for the 2 of you to spend together. It's pretty easy to take someone we live with for granted.
 
Thanks Derby, I'm always open to advice,opinions, another way to see things. We have gotten better at scheduling time together to do things. I'm just frustrated with the last minute stuff. I know he'll come home and help me, but it's just frustrating for things to just get dropped b/c she called.

More than anything, it's my control issues and my inability to deal with things outside of my routine. Karma is very spontaneus, If he wants to do something he just up and does it. For a number of reasons I can't do that. It's frustrating, but I think it's my issue to deal with more than his. He needs to know where my frustration comes from, but I need to be more adaptable.

Having to share him is still new. Having to schedule things around what they have planned is new. Like I thought we were going to the Shamans Den (an herb and tobacco shop) tomorrow but apparently since it's his wednesday with her (and not her other b/fs, they trade off) that isn't going to happen b/c she wants him to hang out with her and her brother.

Nothing says we can't go Thurs or Fri. But we talked about going tomorrow, so now I'm frustrated cuz plans got changed. It's no where near the end of the world. I guess I really just need to learn to be more adaptable.
 
Thanks Derby, I'm always open to advice,opinions, another way to see things. We have gotten better at scheduling time together to do things. I'm just frustrated with the last minute stuff. I know he'll come home and help me, but it's just frustrating for things to just get dropped b/c she called.

More than anything, it's my control issues and my inability to deal with things outside of my routine. Karma is very spontaneus, If he wants to do something he just up and does it. For a number of reasons I can't do that. It's frustrating, but I think it's my issue to deal with more than his. He needs to know where my frustration comes from, but I need to be more adaptable.

Having to share him is still new. Having to schedule things around what they have planned is new. Like I thought we were going to the Shamans Den (an herb and tobacco shop) tomorrow but apparently since it's his wednesday with her (and not her other b/fs, they trade off) that isn't going to happen b/c she wants him to hang out with her and her brother.

Nothing says we can't go Thurs or Fri. But we talked about going tomorrow, so now I'm frustrated cuz plans got changed. It's no where near the end of the world. I guess I really just need to learn to be more adaptable.

I hear you with the new to sharing. I haven't been sharing my husband long either (although we have been talking about it for a good long time). I don't like having my plans changed either! On the bright side not liking having my plans change makes me really concious of interrupting plans that are made between my husband and his girlfriend. Hang in there and just keep talking about what's bothering you and why. Even if you feel like you're just saying the same stuff over and over again. :)

-Derby
 
I hear you with the new to sharing. I haven't been sharing my husband long either (although we have been talking about it for a good long time). I don't like having my plans changed either! On the bright side not liking having my plans change makes me really concious of interrupting plans that are made between my husband and his girlfriend. Hang in there and just keep talking about what's bothering you and why. Even if you feel like you're just saying the same stuff over and over again. :)

-Derby
:eek: This is a hot topic for the week! Just talking about schedules makes bf and hubs crazy but they help me keep things manageable and my mind at ease when it comes to feeling connected. Good advice Derby.:) Time is the only really irreplaceable commodity isn't it?! Use it wisely and keep love the priority!:D
 
Today is a day to count my blessings and realize the gifts recieved from the trials passed.

Karma spent last night re-doing all of our books, putting them away in order and cleaning up his Darkon supplies. Today, even though it is g/f's day with him, he helped me finish cleaning, we discussed his plan for school, I paid bills and am getting ready to start cleaning my baking shelves.

But while taking a bit of a break I looked around and sighed. I am so blessed to have Karma. Yes he's hurt me, and I him, but we've walked the path out of the rubble holding hands and smiling. We're back to rarely fighting, communication is amazing, we're eating dinner together almost every night. He's offering to do things instead of me nagging, he's going out of his way to take of me and g/f and make sure our needs are met.

She and I have had some pretty rocky points, but I think she was a blessing in disguise of an affair. Karma seems so much more aware of what it takes to keep a relationship going, and I am trying to be more appreciative of his efforts. She's reminded me what it's like to be young and have this whole world of adventure ahead. I'm only 8 yrs older than her but it seems like forever ago that I was 19 and just getting to figuring things out. I've held that against her, but now I am thankful for it.

I had started to feel that I was getting to old to make my dreams come true. That I had wasted to much time. That I'll never achieve what I want to achieve because I am so far off the plan I set for myself in high school.

She's reminded me that it doesn't matter what plan I had 12 yrs ago, it doesn't matter who I thought I wanted to be, what matters is who I've become and who I want to be now. That plan is no longer relevant to my life, and I'm okay with that. I have a new plan and it includes someone else now. It's not just Karma and I, it's the 3 of us now.

I have a very all or nothing attitude. G/f being in my life has made me force myself to let go of that a bit. She's required me to look at myself deeper and clearer than I have in a long time. It's created a new sense of selflessness. I do things or don't so things with her in mind, not just me and Karma.

It's been hard to adjust to the time issues, and sharing him, but it's made a me a better person. It's helping me become more adaptable. More appreciative of the time I do have alone with him, and the time I have with her. Even if we've both fallen asleep on the couch while Karma cleans. It's still not the ease I have with my wife, but I have hope that it will be one day.

I've had sooooo many people ask why I do it, why I put up with it, why I'm still with him, why I let her in my home. This is why. I'm the one who was hurt the most, and I'm the one getting the most in return.

I have a renewed drive to make something of my life. The pitty party is over. Yes I do need my parents help right now, but one day I'll pay them back. One day they'll look at me and understand why I needed the extra help, why they did what they did. They'll get return on their investment. I want my own home, I want to pay off my debt and I want a successful career. And I know that it isn't going to drop in my lap.

I've never really had to work at anything. I naturaly learn quickly. I breezed through school, dancing, life in general. And now I'm learning. It takes hard work to keep a marriage alive. It takes hard work to create a relationship with my husbands g/f. It takes hard work to finish college. It takes hard work to rise to a level in my career to make the money I want to make to have the things I want.

I think I'm finaly ready. Letting go of all or nothing is hard, but I'm learning something is better than nothing.

I truly am blessed with an amazing husband, an amazing new friend that shares his life, amazing new friends here on the forum that have been so great with support and advice. I'm ready to move forward. I know it won't always be easy and I know I'll prolly want to give up a few more times in this life, but I'm hoping to take this new lesson with me and this new found awareness of my many blessings.
 
I just re-read this. I'm pretty sure my smile is touching both ears right now.

I love you, babe. :)
 
I love you too sweetheart. Thanks for being so amazing.

I'm still flying pretty high off the realizations of yesturday. Karma is taking g/f to school so while he's been gone (not sure why she needs picked up at noon when class starts at 2 but whatever gives them some time together) I've been rearranging the living room. We have what we call the tower of power. My parents stock up on coke and Dr pepper when it's on sale cuz it's half the price there than here, so when we go home we end bringing back case after case of it. It's been referred to as the tower of power and the tower was getting in the way of our make shift pantry. Sooo since Karma so nicely rearranged things in the corner, I moved the comfy chair to the book corner to make a comfy reading nook and moved the rocker over by the pantry. Let me have room to move the tower and now I have more access to things.

I know no one cares, but it's so nice to have direction again. To want to do something and do it. I've missed that. I've been so caught up in the inner meaning of this and that, that I end up not doing anything. The new set up of the house gives it more flow and has me feeling more energized.

I'm looking forward to a weekend of just me and Karma. I've been craving some time with him, without being interupted by g/f calling to say come get me. She'll be with her other b/f this weekend. There's another pow wow near by and we've talked of going to DC and going to some of the museums. Or we may just stay in bed all weekend ;) Who knows, but I'm looking forward to it.

I feel like most of the weight that was on my shoulders is floating away. I think alot of it has to do with the fact that I finaly feel I can trust Karma to shoulder some of the burden. I can finaly let go of some of the control and know he'll be there to help keep us going. That's been missing from our relationship for a long time. It's nice to know we're on the same page.
 
"You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." — Anne Lamott


Interesting thoughts. I think we all do this with several matters in our life. We tend to create our surroundings in our own outlook instead of looking into the reality of the situation. My realizations of the last few days play into it. Situations may have turned out in a different way had I not been so caught up in viewing things in my way instead of the way the were.

I don't think I was fully in the wrong. Karma had an affair , several, and they hurt. It sliced me to the core to be betrayed in such a way. To know that years of my life were built on lies. And coming off that emotional mess, was all the drama with g/f and her ex/now back to being b/f, and Karmas friend. I didn't know what the hell to think. But I started believing that she was just playing games with all involved.

Funny how the world works and the lessons we have to learn.

Like, Karma master of blades, cannot be trusted to open a package with my knife. He stabbed himself in the palm, under the thumb. Probably needed stitches, but I steri stripped it and covered it and used all the techniques my Army field nurse / nursing instructor mother taught me, along with my years of working with children in the wilderness and all my wound care and first aid certifications. I called her to make sure I covered all the bases-feeling, color return, mobility, amount of blood. He's fine other than pain, and it saved us a hefty hospital bill since we don't have insurance.

But it's funny that the stuff I used to watch my mom do as an inquisitive kid has come in handy multiple times with my athletic, martial artist, must play with sharp pointies, husband. I love him, but he's a clutz, and I never thought I'd need those skills for my husband, but I have several times.

Odd little things in life. :)

On another note, Karma just called g/f to tell her about it and she said he couldn't fight until she looked at it. I started to get kinda pissy. Ummm I know what I'm doing! I already told him no fighting while there's a chance it can rip back open. I get that she's worked animal rescue, I get that she's well aware of wounds and healing and all that. But I felt like she was underminding me. I have yrs of experience and certifications in wound care, first aid etc etc. I'm not going to put my husband in danger or let him go off and do something that'll injure himself further.

I know she was doing it out of concern in the same way I did. I know she didn't say it to slight me in anyway, she didn't want him doing something stupid. But I can't help but feel like she didn't trust that I had already covered that base.

Oh well, I'll get over it, am just frustrated by it, and not used to someone coming into my territory. And caring for my husband is my territory. I'm not used to sharing that. I guess that's why our friends call me the Alpha Bitch. :D

I'm going to go back to enjoying my night with my husband. We're watching Enter the Dragon. I've never seen it so I guess I should pay attention.:)

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!
 
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Woke up to find Karma was gone. Tracked him down, he was taking g/f to school.

Not in an overly good mood. Nothing specific, I just can't can't shake this bad feeling.


Nothing really new or exciting going on.
 
I just wanna sit in a corner and cry, and I have no idea why. It's so weird and hard to go from happy and content, to wondering why things had to be so bad to get here. I dwell on the past a lot. It's hard to let go of things. I know Karam is waitng for the permission to sleep with g/f and some days I'm ready and others I just can't bring myself to even think of it. Why do I have this double standard? Like it's okay for me to be with others and not him. And the only thing I can think of is I'm not the one who cheated. But he's done so much to repair that, and make up for that. G/f and I getting along and making attempts to be closer.

He came home with a hickey the other night and I didn't care. No jealousy no nothing. But the thought of them sleeping together just feels so foreign. I almost feel like I have issue with it simply b/c its taboo. WTF is that about?

I dunno I feel really run down and out of it and I guess that's why nothing is making sense. Things with us are really good, and part of that is due to her being in our lives, but I just want to be selfish and say " No Damnit! I want some time to enjoy this! I want some time to enjoy having my husband back before I have to share him in that way too!"

I don't get how I can be okay with it and not all at the same time.
 
You know if you're oscillating between being ok with having them sleep together and really freaked out by it you might just want to let it happen to see that you can survive it. It might be easier on you once the decision has been made (since it is likely inevitable that you will allow them to sleep together at some point).

-Derby
 
I think you enjoy this time. Why shouldn't you. You have put in a lot of hard work, why should you not glide into the sex thing with as much time as it takes. Obviously you aren't stuck, you are just not ready yet. Enjoy the open honest communication you have and the getting to know her, it can wait until you are ready and wondering what you were fussing about I reckon.
 
I don't get how I can be okay with it and not all at the same time.

Because you're human. And your emotions are ever changing.

Its ok to be ok with it one day and not ok the next day. Or even minute to minute.

What you have to do is give yourself permission to feel that way.

I get panick attacks. They are rare now - but that was due to some serious work i did. The one thing that helped me enormously was walking down the path (mentally) the what if.

The what if good, the what if bad, all the what ifs. And I discovered - hey - its ok - I can handle that. I'll hurt, I'll be angry - but I can handle it.

And I could. It happened. And I carried on. And life got better, and I got stronger.

Now - I still get panick attacks. But I can handle them.

Look at what if.... and play the story in your mind to the worst possible scenario... and once you know how bad its potentially be - realize that it rarely gets that bad. And sometimes what you think will be REALLY bad is actually something awesome.
 
Date night was a bust. We went shopping for a friend that is in the hospital. We're going to see her tomorrow and I have all kinds of goodies for her as well as a pillow I am making with a bunch of herbs in it.

Then we came home and rested a bit, then went to dinner and now Karma is off to a friends house. So much for making wednesdays about us. Most of the day was filled with Karma being anxious and me being upset about the whole him and g/f sleeping together thing.

She wants him to stay the night at her place tomorrow. I'm just not ready for that. I'm not ready for him to be away from me for an entire night with her.

He's upset because I'm not moving things along at the pace he wants me to. Well damn it!!! It takes a little bit of time for a broken heart to heal. I have 8 years of lies to recover from, am I supposed to do that 2 F'ing months!?!

And now I feel pushed in a corner b/c if I say no, how much longer before he cheats again? He says that's over, he says he'll wait as long as I need, but I'm not getting that feel. I'm getting the impatient vibe. And I just don't know what to do about it.

I want them to be able to grow. I want them to have a fulfilling relationship. And I know I am partialy standing in the way of that.

So do I just shove my pain and fear aside and say do what you want? Cuz that's what I'm feeling.

I asked Karma if he has told her yet that I said I wasn't okay with the sleepover, and he said no, because he was hoping I'd change my mind.

Wow thanks for the support and backing.

In every other way, he is doing exactly what I need to repair things and make things better. But when it comes to staying the night with her or having sex with her, I'm made to feel like the bad guy cuz I'm not over things enough for that to be okay.

I didn't ask for this!!! I didn't ask to have my heart ripped out, stepped on and bashed with a hammer and then put back in and expected to have it function like normal. I thought we'd enter into things together. Meet people together and see where it all went. But that option was stolen from me. My voice, my decisions for my life, it was all ripped away from me. And now I'm expected to yet again ignore where I am to meet his needs.

I'm not sure I'm okay with that. And once again, I don't know which way to turn.
 
Why not turn to Karma and tell him you don't feel supported that you feel pressured. Let him know how you feel about date night. Be honest with him, your worth it!!!!!!!
 
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