Feedback please! Can you convert back to being mono after discovering you are poly?

inlovewith2

New member
So, an online friend proposed that poly works (he does not identify himself as poly), if it is “done well”. Well, I think I can safely say that I have “done it” quite poorly (we are about 4 months in).

There have been flags along the way, that I have not given the attention they deserve. And please do not jump on me for that, I admitted it remember? That's the past and none of us can change it.

Where we are now is that I have been dating as has dh, though it has looked very different:

I started out with one partner, and that has grown to another and a potential. I recognize that things moved way too fast. I didn't plan it that way; my mistake was naivete and my own insecurities (in not believing that I would be desirable to others).

Dh has been seeing a woman who is not poly, and not really comfortable with poly. She seems to operate as if she wishes I would somehow miraculously go away ;-). Well, her questioning of the poly lifestyle has only deepened dh's negative feelings toward it.

It is hard to boil this all down. I'll probably leave out important details, but just ask...

He came home from a date last week and told me that they had “fooled around” (this, as it turns out, is a lie). I responded positively, although I did admit that I had to grapple with my own insecurities, which I did gladly.

It was at that moment that dh recognized that our fundamental problem is that I am poly and he is mono.

He doesn't want me to date other men, but recognizes that this is true to who I am. The analogy he and his best friend came up with is similar to the process of coming out as gay (this man is gay). One can choose to hide who he/she is, but it would be just that, a major deception.

So, what dh and I laid out today is that I'm poly, he's mono, neither one of us has any desires or plans to leave the other (if you only knew how much we adore each other!), and obvee we have trust issues that need to be addressed.

So, now what? Can I just “go back” to being mono? Regardless, I know that I need to put things on hold with my secondaries, but damn if that's not hard on many levels...

I could really use advice and support right now. Ask for any necessary clarification. :confused:
 
Poly people can be successfully monogamous, as polyamory is not non-monogamy. It seems interesting to me, however, that loving many but being sexually focused on only one can be done. I have never been able to do that. Of course, I am an admitted non-monogamist, however.

This is a bit garbled. What I mean is: you don't have to "go back" to being mono if you are polyamorous. You can be polyamorous and mono. Does that make sense? I guess you could even recognize you are non-monogamous and just choose not to act on it. I haven't had much success with that, however.

Immaterial
 
I would think, it depends where you are at, as a person.

Life Ebbs and flows. Sometimes we feel more social, sometimes we hermit. Sometime we feel more active, sometimes lazier.

Same goes for sexual prowness, or how 'poly' we feel at that particular time.


If you are feeling like you could easily gravitate to having focus on your husband solely, and you feel happy with that, then yes, you could possibly enter a state of monogamy. For however long it works for you both.

On the other hand, if you are feeling more poly/love, or truly caring for people in more then one place....it will prove to be more difficult.


The biggest question, would be asking yourself if you are doing this because you want to, or to appease others. Also, to make sure you won`t have regrets later.

Might be best to 'take a break' and revisit it later on.
 
I would think, it depends where you are at, as a person

If you are feeling like you could easily gravitate to having focus on your husband solely, and you feel happy with that, then yes, you could possibly enter a state of monogamy. For however long it works for you both.

On the other hand, if you are feeling more poly/love, or truly caring for people in more then one place....it will prove to be more difficult.

The biggest question, would be asking yourself if you are doing this because you want to, or to appease others. Also, to make sure you won`t have regrets later.

Might be best to 'take a break' and revisit it later on.

Let me clarify--I am most definitely in full-on poly mode. Were I to choose to "go back" to being mono, it would be a major sacrifice for me. One I am willing to make, but I would have to work really hard not to resent him.

I would be doing this to please him and to honor his wishes. Again, this is not out of the ordinary for me, but this would be the first time that I can think of that it has felt like a major sacrifice to me; and I do mean major.

As for taking a break, how does one do that irt secondaries? One has already told me that he will wait, the other does not yet know. The potential knows just the bit I felt comfortable sharing over email. He is in a long-time open marriage, and has exchanged several emails with dh, so has a really good grip on where he is at.

The problem is, he/they could wait for a long time only to have it never happen. Do I just recognize this as their choice? I don't know. My stomach is in knots...

Christie
 
I totally sympathize. I was the one who made the push for poly in my marriage, and I knew for years that I was poly but tried to push it aside because my husband wasn't comfortable with it. I don't know if it's possible to make that shift back to mono, but I do know that if I would have continued trying to repress that part of myself in my marriage, we would have ended up divorced. There is no doubt in my mind. I told myself I was "willing" to make the sacrifice, but sometimes "willingness" to sacrifice something is not enough to mediate the damage that sacrifice does to you and your relationship.

When we finally did open things up, I made it pretty clear to my husband that this was not a "trial period" that he could change his mind about. I will do everything possible to help him through periods of insecurity he might have, but that does *not* include suspending or ending my other relationship. He knows that if he couldn't handle poly anymore we would be done, not because I would be choosing my boyfriend over him, but because I couldn't possibly go back to monogamy and make our marriage work.

You *can* make it work with one of you poly and the other mono. My husband isn't entirely sure yet where he falls on that spectrum, but he knows that I will remain poly no matter what he ultimately decides is right for him with regard to other relationships. At some point, I think it becomes a question not so much of whether you're *willing* to live monogamously, but whether you really *can* have a relationship that is healthy for you under those circumstances.

Good luck working things out!
 
Reading between the lines

Are you considering a mono lifestyle because of this woman your husband has been seeing? It sounds as if he has the potential of a mono relationship elsewhere and that is why you are considering the change.

A poly trying to be mono is a very difficult thing. Here is a possible (probable) outcome of that. His potential goes away, you cut contact with your secondaries. You make each other miserable trying to be what you're not and either split or you go back to being poly with him a mono husband.

You say you adore each other. If you read some of the blogs of mono/poly relationships eg the Blog of the Mono Wife, Kat Tails you will get some idea of how hard it is for these relationships to work. I hate saying if I were you but I'm going to anyway...If I were you I would stick to who you are while you both have alternate supports and options. Love him enough to let him go then if he comes back to you and is prepared to be the mono to your poly he will be doing it of his own free will because of his depth of love.


Sage
 
Are you considering a mono lifestyle because of this woman your husband has been seeing? It sounds as if he has the potential of a mono relationship elsewhere and that is why you are considering the change.

No, sorry! He's not that interested in her. He admits that he would be were it not for me, but he is very much of the "either/or" mindset and if it is one of us, it is me, no question. I think *she* would be happy in many ways for me to disappear, b/c she would like to pursue a mono relationship with him. Not gonna happen.

A poly trying to be mono is a very difficult thing. Here is a possible (probable) outcome of that. His potential goes away, you cut contact with your secondaries. You make each other miserable trying to be what you're not and either split or you go back to being poly with him a mono husband.

<sigh> Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. But forcing being poly (because even though it is *I* who is poly, it still affects him of course) on him doesn't feel right either. I've thought more than once that life would be a lot simpler if I hadn't met my bf, but then I remember that I love him too!

You say you adore each other. If you read some of the blogs of mono/poly relationships eg the Blog of the Mono Wife, Kat Tails you will get some idea of how hard it is for these relationships to work. I hate saying if I were you but I'm going to anyway...If I were you I would stick to who you are while you both have alternate supports and options. Love him enough to let him go then if he comes back to you and is prepared to be the mono to your poly he will be doing it of his own free will because of his depth of love.

I have not heard of these blogs but will look them up. I'm not considering letting him go, he means too much to me and we have a family together (I mean ultimately this is a possibility, it always is, but it is not one on the forefront. We have a really strong foundation, thankfully).

I wish you all could know us, and know how much he has tried to think outside of his box through all of this. Like I keep telling people, you don't lose a man like him, you don't lose a relationship like ours. He is willing to work, as am I. No one is waving any white flags. In fact, he's been miserable all day, because he thinks he messed things up for my other partner(s) and I. Can you see why I don't feel this is hopeless? He clearly has empathy for how the other guys and I feel...

He is understandably resistant to going to couple's counseling, after the last one painted me out to be a bully and him a wuss. She actually asked me "if A is so great, then why do you need R?" I requested that at a minimum, she read a wikipedia page on poly for crying out loud. I found one who is poly-friendly, but of course she doesn't take our insurance <sigh>.

Thanks for your questions and thoughts!

If I may ask for clarification, it has seemed to me from a few other threads that the consensus is that the poly person has to defer to the mono one. I'm over-simplifying, but I know I've seen it written several times that the poly person should move slow, so as to ease things for the mono one. So, I'm wondering how this all fits. I hope that made sense, my kids are providing distractions.
 
If you read some of the blogs of mono/poly relationships eg the Blog of the Mono Wife, Kat Tails you will get some idea of how hard it is for these relationships to work.

Sage

Sage, I am not able to find these blogs via a google search. Do you have the links that you could share?

Thanks!!!!

Christie
 
Hi Christie

You're looking too far afield. They are part of this forum under the blogs and life stories section. I have one there too.

I didn't realise you have a family. That makes things quite different. You have much more reason to hold it together. AK (The blog of the Mono Wife) seems in a good space at the moment so she could give you both some motivation. I have my ups and downs and right now I'm on a bit of a downer so I'm probably not the right person for you to be talking to.

It seems like whichever one of you goes against what you naturally are (mono or poly) will have a hard road. Compromise does help ie I go with as much poly as I can stand and Z goes with as little. But then I have these down periods with the whole thing and he is probably always feeling a bit frustrated.

If he can work with you remaining poly get him to register here so that he will have some support. It is a very lonely thing for a mono because often no one in your life understands what you're going through.

Sage
 
Although Katails blog in the "life stories and blogs" section is a good one and well worth a read, I suggest that you do a search (in the search engine on the blue tool bar above) for mono/poly, mono poly, mono, any combination of such, as there are a lot of other options that are much more about the process of it working... Katails blog is about it not working all that well and I fear you will think this to be the case also.. not true, we are getting along just fine and dandy with our lives and loves.... a few boundaries set up, a whole lot of patience and time and we are doing well! You could too perhaps?

I'm not sure I understand why, just because he has discovered he is mono, that now you have to be.... Why can you not continue with the secondaries you have found, put a cap on it at them for now and see where it goes... there is no rush is there in making this all work? You have made an effort with the two men you have chosen as secondaries, your husband has been fine so far, why not continue on and your husband not date anyone again....
 
Poly people can be successfully monogamous, as polyamory is not non-monogamy. It seems interesting to me, however, that loving many but being sexually focused on only one can be done. I have never been able to do that. Of course, I am an admitted non-monogamist, however.

This is a bit garbled. What I mean is: you don't have to "go back" to being mono if you are polyamorous. You can be polyamorous and mono. Does that make sense? I guess you could even recognize you are non-monogamous and just choose not to act on it. I haven't had much success with that, however.

Immaterial

Yeah, if I may sound like a child just for a moment "I don't wanna"!!!! Wahh!!! :D

Dh has asked me why I need to have sex with them. And the truth is, I don't *need* to. It is a significant want, so much so that it feels like a need, but I can't honestly say it is a need.

My first oso and I had sex and it was a reflection of both our love for each other and where we were at then (that's cryptic, but...).

My 2nd oso and I have talked a lot about it. Sex is not the be all and end all for us. But intimacy is important to us. We would like to have sex as an expression of our feelings for one another. We are respecting the boundaries dh has set, but it does feel like a constraint.

My potential oso is an experienced poly guy/swinger. It's amusing to me how slow he is moving. But it fits for all of us right now. I don't need to have sex with him. Do I want to? Yes, but I'm also scared d/t his experience. So, slow is good.

I'm composing a post about the meaning of sex, but who knows how long that will take to get posted ;).

I guess that was off track, but the point, I think, is that I've moved to this point with the others, and feel pressured by that even though no one is, in and of themselves, pressuring me.

I hope this makes some sense...

Christie
 
i'm poly. But i'm in a monogamous relationship, and have no issues with it. Though the relationship itself has issues, nothing to do with poly vs. mono
 
I told myself I was "willing" to make the sacrifice, but sometimes "willingness" to sacrifice something is not enough to mediate the damage that sacrifice does to you and your relationship.

This quote is very salient for me. It is my biggest fear--I've sacrificed a lot for our relationship, not because he asked me to, but because I *chose* to, but it did damage for sure. What damage would this do?

You *can* make it work with one of you poly and the other mono. My husband isn't entirely sure yet where he falls on that spectrum, but he knows that I will remain poly no matter what he ultimately decides is right for him with regard to other relationships. At some point, I think it becomes a question not so much of whether you're *willing* to live monogamously, but whether you really *can* have a relationship that is healthy for you under those circumstances.

You lay it out very nicely. This is at the heart of it, isn't it?

Christie
 
@inlovewith2- I don't think its so much the wanting of sex and the love of two men, loving them in return to, but the need beyond that. Only you can answer that I think.
For me that is the need to be surrounded so I don't feel abandoned. I feel safe. I feel whole. I need that.
 
@inlovewith2- I don't think its so much the wanting of sex and the love of two men, loving them in return to, but the need beyond that. Only you can answer that I think.
For me that is the need to be surrounded so I don't feel abandoned. I feel safe. I feel whole. I need that.

Ok, I can be dense ;-). What you are saying, I think, is that it's not just about sex, it's about what sexual connection and love can develop into? I don't know exactly what it's about for me, other than connection. And I love feeling sexually healthy, which is selfish, but still good.

I need help identifying what it is exactly, as dh is having the hardest time understanding the desire for sexual intimacy.

Certainly feeling safe is very important to me. Interestingly, I've had a little bit of turmoil with 2 of the guys. One misread my husband's intentions in a a letter he wrote, and made a big deal out of it, the other seems to want to rush the relationship and is impatient for dh to get to the point where he feels comfortable. So, I think you may have hit the proverbial nail on the head, RP. I need to feel safe, and prefer not to have my fear of abandonment triggered (the end of a relationship is always a risk).

What I think right now is that I need most for things to feel more settled and less chaotic. And I need to focus on my wonderful dh, which oso1 isn't going to love so much, but....I think I'll post a separate one on that if/when I get a chance.

Oh, and my dh is on this board and has gotten a lot of support (thank you!!!!). His screenname (not his real one) is David Webb (hi Bourne lovers). He and I decided that this is our journey, and it would be easiest for you all to guide us if you knew that we are a unit, a pretty great one at that!

Let me just say publicly that he is the most amazing man I've ever known. I love him to depths that I cannot explain! Yes I hurt him, and that is still so hard to deal with. We *will* work it out.

And to those of you who said that I moved too fast, please know that I know that; my head is spinning too.

Thanks to all!!!!

Christie
 
Wow, I'm in a very similiar boat to you, inlovewith2.

My partner is monogamous (and happy/proud of it) and I have only come to realise during the time I have been dating him that I *am* poly, not that it's a lifestyle choice which might work for me.

I still can't explain about the reason why I desire more than one lover at a time. There was a counsellor I saw once who said something like: "We could explore why you feel you need it, what you get from it." And the only answer I can think of for that would be "love".

You can never have too much love, right? I know you can certainly have too little. A group can achieve much more than a single pair.

I'm holding back on taking other partners but it does feel like trying to "convert back to being mono" for me. If it were just painful then I think I would do it, I really love this guy, but the problem I really face is that I'm not sure if I can and I'm not sure how to figure out if I can without long periods of suffering on both our parts.

I hope you guys work it out, sorry I couldn't give any advice on it, and thanks for showing me that there is someone out there who knows what I'm going through to some extent!
 
I think a disciplined person can force themselves to live any way they want to or have to....but I doubt if they would be as healthy as they could be if they lived the way they were meant to. Mono and poly can both put masks on but hopefully we all have the strength to take them off no matter how painful so people can see our true faces.
 
So, now what? Can I just “go back” to being mono? Regardless, I know that I need to put things on hold with my secondaries, but damn if that's not hard on many levels...

Well, I imagine it's probably pretty hard for your "secondaries", too, since they're having their relationship with you stop and start at the whims of you and your partner.

Anyway, I think that this identity stuff; "I'm poly-, he's mono-, she's polyflexible" etc. can just confuse things, at least some of the time. Plenty of people in long term monogamous relationships find themselves attracted to, or falling in love with, someone other than their partner. They then decide whether to explore that, either by cheating or leaving, or not.

I don't think that "being poly-" makes much of a difference in all this, with one exception. If one finds oneself interested in someone who is themselves interested in being poly-, that makes it a lot more tempting to leave, because one can then have the kind of relationship one has been wanting to have. Other than that, an identity or relationship style preference doesn't drive one into new relationships; we all deliberately choose to do that each time.
 
My partner is monogamous (and happy/proud of it) and I have only come to realise during the time I have been dating him that I *am* poly, not that it's a lifestyle choice which might work for me.

I still can't explain about the reason why I desire more than one lover at a time. There was a counsellor I saw once who said something like: "We could explore why you feel you need it, what you get from it." And the only answer I can think of for that would be "love".

You can never have too much love, right? I know you can certainly have too little.

I'm holding back on taking other partners but it does feel like trying to "convert back to being mono" for me. If it were just painful then I think I would do it, I really love this guy, but the problem I really face is that I'm not sure if I can and I'm not sure how to figure out if I can without long periods of suffering on both our parts.

I hope you guys work it out, sorry I couldn't give any advice on it, and thanks for showing me that there is someone out there who knows what I'm going through to some extent!

Erato,

I hear you. It's an odd juxtaposition of feeling like I'd do anything for him and yet knowing that no matter what I did, in terms of letting go of partners, I'd still be poly. Then again, he has no issue with me being emotionally intimate, only physically. I don't know. I hope you work it out too. I hope to look for more posts from you; perhaps we can share this journey together!

Best of luck,

Christie (no need to spell out inlovewith2, and it's such a weak name anyway ;-)).
 
Hi Sage... I took your advice and joined.
An interesting read into my beloved's mindset this thread was... (why am I talking like Yoda all of a sudden?)

SayYes, you're reply makes sense, but boy does it seem harsh.

My heart says I *want* to be with one person and I want that person to *want* to be with just me. For the past 15 years, up to last year, I knew who that person was.

Christie means too much for me to just say this mono/poly difference is too much to handle without trying to understand everything I can about it. So I'm reading Opening Up, chatting with poly folks, and will now be on this forum.

-DW
 
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