I guess I'm poly....

whatsagirltodo

New member
Hello. I guess I'm poly, because I'm in a mono relationship with a man I love very much, but I have feelings for two other men. I'm refraining from talking with or seeing these other two men out of respect for my partner; I've been honest with him about where I stand. He, of course, hates it since he is mono. He can't even understand how it's possible. I feel sad that I cannot even have friendships with these other two men, and it makes me just a little bit resentful. I feel a little guilty in the back of my mind, because I can't help thinking about the other two sometimes and wishing that I could talk with them. I don't want to lose the man to whom I'm committed; but it just never feels 100% right. I'm quite bothered with it tonight, so I sought out this forum to get some input from others who may have been in a similar situation before. I welcome your comments and/or private messages.
 
Welcome.

I'm sorry you deal in this. But it doesn't sound like your direct struggle. It sounds like his struggle, that affects you. How much you let it affect you is always up to you.

I don't see this as a "mono or poly?" issue. I see this as a "how secure is my BF? And do I want to deal in that? " issue.

Hello. I guess I'm poly, because I'm in a mono relationship with a man I love very much, but I have feelings for two other men. I'm refraining from talking with or seeing these other two men out of respect for my partner; I've been honest with him about where I stand.

Nothing wrong with having crushes. You are alive and well, and will notice beauty in the world. If you agreement is to not pursue, you are holding up your end of the stick. You aren't doing anything wrong.

I see you are also trying to be honest and open about you inner life thoughts and feelings. Those are things that help create emotional intimacy with your present Boyfriend. Thing is... sounds like he doesn't want the emotional intimacy from you and views attempts at building this as threat to his core belief.

So he doesn't want to hear it. And you are hurt your closest and dearest doesn't actually want to be all that close.

He, of course, hates it since he is mono. He can't even understand how it's possible. I feel sad that I cannot even have friendships with these other two men, and it makes me just a little bit resentful.

Sounds like he has core belief #1 in this article. Something like "If my partner really loves me, my partner will never have interest or desire or notice other people." And he's not ready to examine or challenge that wonky belief and wants to keep it how it is. He chooses to measure love by an odd "ruler." Rather update the ruler to something more fitting and change it to "My partners really loves me. They show it often by treating me well in loving and respectful ways."

I feel a little guilty in the back of my mind, because I can't help thinking about the other two sometimes and wishing that I could talk with them. I don't want to lose the man to whom I'm committed; but it just never feels 100% right.

You can think about them. You can talk to them. You can be friends with them if you want to. Just don't pursue. (Unless you renegotiate those agreements first. )

Don't shrink your life just because BF wants to you to. Lead your mono life like any other monogamous person who has a BF and has some friends. If your BF has a problem with that healthy relating, suggest he work on his issues and if he does not? Lose the BF!

If you are poly, same advice. Poly people will have their partner(s) and their friends. If one of their partners balks at them having healthy relationships with other people? They suggest that partner work on their issues or they choose to lose the partner.

It is not your job to help him build his bubble against the world. And you don't have to crawl in it to live there with him. Not healthy for YOU.

I'm quite bothered with it tonight, so I sought out this forum to get some input from others who may have been in a similar situation before. I welcome your comments and/or private messages.

I had a BF like that once. At the time I had agreed to Closed. But for me to be happy that way, I need to be free to express my inner thoughts and feelings -- share my inner life. I'm ok not pursuing more relationships. I am not ok shrinking or stifling myself just because my partner doesn't actually want to know ALL of me and doesn't want to deal with processing his weird.

That's when I discovered he was deeply insecure. Drove me up the wall with his insecure weird. His behaviors were so off putting that I eventually broke up with him because he didn't want to change them. He wanted me to change to help him keep his weird up.

  • If I let it slip that I thought someone was cute (not even crush, just the waiter is cute) he would WIG OUT. Total turn off.
  • I refused to become isolated and shrink myself or my relating. He was always high stress -- so busy scanning the horizon to see who would come to "steal me away" that he wasn't present in our relationship. He was trying to police it/me.
  • I told him his problem was not "them" -- it was ME. Focus on making it so I don't want to leave. Engage and participate with me and clear up his issues with a counselor. If anyone asks, I will say no thanks, I already have a good thing going. Nobody can "steal me away" if I'm content here. He ignored this advice.
  • Over time, I felt like an object to be hidden away, rather than a PERSON to be interacted with and dealing with having to reassure him of my faithfulness became like filling the black hole of need. Draining and boring. He might gets lots of yay from that, but not me. It became a one-sided relationship and I didn't want to be doing that.
  • I came to terms with the fact that he wasn't actual interested in me as a person, for all that he said he loved me. I think he just loved having me as a GF and black hole filler.
  • He viewed relationships as possessive -- things to have. I view relationships as participatory. He wasn't participating with me, so I left.
  • When I did, he said "I always knew you'd leave me." and I said "I'm sad you saw it could happen and did NOTHING to change it."

Years later he went into therapy for his issues -- and I was glad for him. But I think it took a whole mess of GFs dumping him for the same thing (not just me) for him to finally get around to examine his core beliefs and actually working to change them because they were not serving him well.

I don't know if you having some crushes means you are mono and just enjoy noticing people in the world or if it means you are poly. That's for you to sort out.

But if your BF is feeling like a drag, like you are having to shrink yourself and be uncomfortable so HE can be comfortable, maybe he just isn't deeply compatible and you are best parting? That's something else for you to examine and figure out.

But def don't shrink yourself from the world and from having friends you want to have just because he's not comfortable. You aren't doing anything in appropriate. He can learn to deal or not. And you can make your next choices from there.

Galagirl
 
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Greetings whatsagirltodo,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear you have that dilemma about the two other guys you have feelings for. For my own part, I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

I hope that posting here and getting feedback will help you. I'm certainly willing to lend a listening ear, and will share my feelings too if that helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I was the man you are in a relationship with....

Months ago my wife approached me and told me she had these feelings that she needed to explore. She wanted to "live" and do crazy things and maybe have some "fun" with other people. I said OK reluctantly but little did I know exactly what that meant. I figured she was in a bad mood and felt bored with life and it would pass. A few days later she confessed she kissed another man (we have been married 15 years). It was devastating to me. To be fair... I have a lot of insecurity issues so I took it especially hard. She was doing a lot of reading about polyamory...having me read articles. I couldn't agree to it at that time. I searched deep within myself but I couldn't let it happen. I let my insecurities get the best of me. I couldn't understand how she could love him and me at the same time. Well...fast forward a few months, we had just separated and I then found out she had been having an affair with him. The funny thing is...we couldn't stay separated very long because she loves me so much (I never stopped loving her...she wanted to have space not me) . Her issue with me was resentment. She was pissed at me because she wanted to love us both openly but couldn't. There is a bit more to it but it isn't applicable to this situation. For some reason... about two weeks ago I had this "moment" and something changed in my heart. The other guy was over my house (did I mention that it's my best friend?) and he was playing with my my kids. My wife and I have 4 fantastic girls together! Our girls love and adore him. My youngest daughter grabbed my hand and his and looked at both of us and said "it's like I have two dads!" It was at that moment I realized that we were put together for this moment in time. I don't know how long it will last...but right now it's what is meant for us. Our open relationship together as a 3 way couple is still very new...only a couple of weeks old. He and I have separate relationships with her and still maintain our strong friendship as well.

My whole point for this is to say please please please continue to tell him your feelings. Don't bottle them up. My wife did. She ended up cheating on me and it almost ended our marriage. Don't go behind his back to talk to them...be open about it. If you want a friendship with them do it with openness. If you are your significant other are meant to be it will work out. Sometimes the gods put people in our lives at certain times to fill needs we often don't quite see. Be open about what you need to make you happy and in the process he may realize what he needs to make him happy as well. I'm starting to learn more about myself in this process as well. Hopefully if you are as close as you say you are he will have that moment like I did that allows his heart to open to the idea like mine did.

Blessed be.
 
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