confused/upset you name it..

genebean

New member
I am having a really hard time right now because I feel like I am not being allowed the time to transition properly into this lifestyle. My boyfriend and I were hanging out and drinking with some poly friends and the man approached me and asked me what I thought about my boyfriend having another girlfriend right now I said that I wasn't ready for that and that we would end up splitting up if that happened right now. He told me the reason he asked was because his wife is interested in my boyfriend. At this point the night was winding down and my boyfriend and I decided to go to sleep. I was having trouble sleeping but was still tired so I stayed in bed. When they got back in the house and saw that we had gone to sleep, they got really upset and the man told the woman that she needs to go and "fuck the shit" out of my boyfriend so i'll leave. I was livid at this point but really was not in the mood to discuss it so I continued to stay in bed. He then said that he was pissed because I wouldn't sleep with him, that I was teasing him. I am upset because although I have slept with him once, I never told him there was going to be anymore times. The next morning when we left I told my boyfriend about what I had heard and he feels we should give them the benefit of the doubt and talk to them about it. I am so put off by what was said that I no longer trust either of them. I guess my question is, is the benefit of the doubt deserved in this case? I have a very hard time trusting people and when stuff like this happens it just makes it ten times worse.
 
Uhhh, how long have you been friends with them up until now? Because my gut reaction to the "fuck the shit" comment was, "What the hell?!?! Some friend!!" If you've been friends with them for a really long time and you think alcohol might be a mitigating factor, then maybe I'd agree with your bf and at least talk to them about it. But unless there's a loooong history with them, then no. In my experience alcohol usually just allows people to say what they're really thinking without the social acceptability filter. He, at least, sounds like he's calling himself poly just for the sex, but that's not how it works. Being poly doesn't mean you have to be any more open to sleeping with people than if you were mono- it just means if you decide to sleep with someone you have the possibility of doing so without cheating on a current partner(s). Not knowing him or you, my response would be to walk on. You don't need that kind of crap just because they happen to also call themselves poly any more than you'd deal with shitty, abusive friends just because they're mono.
 
I am really hesitant to say absolutely not because of what the man had said about the woman having feelings for my boyfriend. At this point, as I said I am not ready for our relationship to go fully open in that way so ex-communicating sounds pretty good. I am very afraid to trust the woman because on valentines day she sent a nude picture of herself to my boyfriend and as an afterthought said "i hope that was okay" to me. it wasn't so much the picture that bothered me but the assumption that I would be totally cool with it. I was very hurt by the fact that she didn't think of my feelings on the matter beforehand. Now I'm not sure if I was being unreasonable in that or not so I'm very shaky on trusting my feelings on this too.
 
Those people are not poly! They're just into sex and using others to get what they want, it would seem from those kinds of remarks. If they were poly and really wanted relationships with you, and true friends who cared, they wouldn't have been so impatient and crude. If I were you, I would steer clear. As they say, "with friends like this, who needs enemies?"
 
There is little that pisses me off more than people who think they're "owed" sex and that you're "leading them on" just because you had sex once, or you were friendly, or they like you, or WHATEVER. Fuck that. Fuck. That.

If you can't trust these people to be respectful when you're all just friends, it will get a million times worse if they think they have some actual claim on you and/or your bf. Continue to explore poly if you think you're interested, but not with these people or it will be nothing but drama. Who cares if this woman has feelings for your bf, that doesn't give her the right to expect *anything* before you've all actually talked about it and agreed to what you want.

Avoid this situation. You're not overreacting. If anything, you're underreacting.
 
And for the record, "interested" does not equal "feelings" anyway. You can be interested in a ton of people, but you're only going to develop feelings for a percentage of those.
 
Wow. I may be poly, but, I wouldn't touch that dude.

I have run into people who seem to think that if I am poly,then I will have sex with anyone who wants me. Um. Hell no!?! I like who I like, and I don't see any reason to date anyone who is not as awesome as my love and his wife.

This couple does not sound awesome. They don't sound respectful. They do sound manipulative.

Also, any guy who expresses in any way that he feels he is owed sex? I run. This is NOT a safe attitude to be around.
 
They sound very confused about what poly is about. Perhaps they lean more toward the swinger side of the lifestyle and aren't the best couple to be testing the waters with?

If you feel uncomfortable you have every right to put the brakes on it. Talking is great but when a person or couple focuses on the sex more than your feelings it raises some red flags. imho.

Trust yourself and your instincts. You don't have to move faster than you want to.
 
Also, any guy who expresses in any way that he feels he is owed sex? I run. This is NOT a safe attitude to be around.

Though it's not really my style to post just to say, "Yeah, what s/he said", well.... Yeah. What Jericka said.

And to reiterate: NOT SAFE. As in, don't spend alone time with a guy like that. Because it is NOT SAFE. That guy? He is not safe for you to be around. Wish I could somehow make it even clearer.

That said, were it not for the fact that the woman is married to this self-absorbed dickwad, I'd want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Nowhere in your post did you say that SHE said anything untoward that night. How did she respond when her husband said she should "fuck the shit" out of your boyfriend? Did she say, "Dude. That was really crass. That would be really cruel, I would never hurt her, don't say things like that." Or did she say "Hell yeah, if only that stupid bitch wasn't dating him...." Her response might really meter how I felt about her in such a situation. All the same, she's a package deal (everyone is, to some degree or other; everyone has baggage), and the package includes her attatchment to her husband. Even if you and your boyfriend have no involvement with the guy, that, for me, is too close for comfort.

If your boyfriend insists on giving her or them the benefit of the doubt, that doesn't mean that you have to. Though the nude pic thing would bother me too, it's still something your boyfriend should decide for himself. Make your relationship agreements and boundaries with him, and trust him. Let him make his own choices about who he wants in his friends circle. Just know that you get to choose your own friends circle, and these crazy buggers don't have to be in it. I would, personally, never associate with the man again. You DO NOT owe him or ANYONE sex, EVER, and DO NOT deserve to be thought of as a hole that's been teasing him.

Lastly.... Maybe you can show this thread to your boyfriend. I get the feeling that he might not "get" how serious and dangerous the man's way of thinking is for you. Maybe seeing what other, experienced, polyamorous people feel about such statements will help reassure him that you're not overreacting in wanting to back away from these people. Just, whatever your boyfriend decides for himself, do take steps to ensure your own safety. I really do recommend not being alone with the husband, ever. Sad that women have to be proactive about their safety instead of naturally being secure in such things, but it is what it is.
 
update-- I am so hurt right now, I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I told my boyfriend that I couldn't stand him dating the woman and would have to leave if he decided to..i know that it's not right for me to put a parameter on who he can and cannot date but I have reasons to think she's not trustworthy. She was best friends with a mutual friend and she had sex with her husband behind the friends back. How can I condone that? If she didn't respect her best friend how can I expect her to respect him or i? I feel like his desires are clouding his reason and he doesn't care about that because all he cares about his having sex with her. He tells me that he will listen to my concerns but he isn't now. They don't matter to him it seems.
 
I feel very strongly that it would behoove you to have him read this thread and see some "experienced" folks' responses to what you've written....

After knowing this latest bit, that the woman has a HISTORY of lying, cheating, and deception, I personally would want zero involvement with her. I wouldn't forbid my boyfriend from dating her (I don't think a person can "control" a significant other), but I would, as you've done, tell him that I would no longer be involved with him if he chose to date her. We can only control our own involvements, and I, personally, would not date someone who thinks it's okay to date a deceptive cheating liar.

Make sure he knows he can do better than this woman. And make sure he knows that someone with a history of horrible relationship decisions (cheating, lying) might well continue the same. If she could cheat with her best friend's husband, what else could she be capable of? Could she lie about her STD status? Could she have intentions to cheat with him against you?

Why don't you suggest to your boyfriend that it might be fun and worthwhile to seek out more polyamorous folks for friendship, and start trying to get to know people with greater integrity than this (scary) couple? It might just be that he thinks that polyamorous folks are rare, and this is his "only chance". But really, he can do better than settling for these low-lifes.
 
Those people sound like they are swingers. When I was on a swinger forum (before I found this awesome place) there were stories on there all the time just like this. Only, the people there werent poly so it was more jus the "ugh that guy is a pig" instead of the "I'm hurt" reaction.
 
more.

I so appreciate your guy's advice and perspective on things! I don't feel like I have very many options as far as people understanding the situation. We have been fighting like cats and dogs over this and I'm not sure how to deal with it...i feel so alone and lame. I have told him my feelings on the situation, but he doesn't respect them. He says that he will not engage in a relationship other than friendship with these people but he is very angry with me about my feelings and insists I talk to them. I don't really want to be around them at all and I am hurt that it doesn't seem like it phases him what was said or the obvious reasons not to trust them. He says that he is aloud to be upset but it is taking a tole on our relationship and I don't feel safe telling him what I feel. I am currently staying at a friend's for the weekend and he texted me and asked if he could have a six some with that couple, another couple and another girl. He told me that he wouldn't ask again until our agreed upon date to be fully poly and that I had the option of saying no. He also said he would not have sex with the woman. I did not feel I really did so I called him to talk about it. I asked if he would be pissed off if I said I wasn't ready and he said no, that he would understand. So I did and he became very cold and angry with me over the phone. He said that he would respect my wishes but was very upset over my decision..sorry for the long paragraph, I can't space it out on my phone!
 
"I asked if he would be pissed off if I said I wasn't ready and he said no, that he would understand. So I did and he became very cold and angry with me over the phone. He said that he would respect my wishes but was very upset over my decision."

So he can't even keep his story straight from sentence to sentence... yeesh. :/

This guy has some growing up to do. He needs to examine why his words and actions don't match up and realize what a bad position this puts you in because ut means you can't trust him. I know you said you're afraid to tell him how you feel, but maybe he should read this thread for some perspective... I mean, if you don't feel like you can even talk to him, how can you two have a real relationship?
 
Genebean,

You can tell a lot about a person by who their friends are. Do you like and feel safe around any of his friends? If the answer is no, decide if you can live with interacting all the time with people you don't like and, more importantly, don't trust.

Your boyfriend is of course entitled to his own thoughts and feelings about that couple. He doesn't have to agree wirh you. But it is very very worrisome that you feel unsafe to tell him how you feel. That's a sign that the relationship is broken.

And while I certainly get grumpy when I don't get my way, I do not take it out on my partner! It's ok to say 'I'm bummed that I couldn't have a hot 6-some - or fuck a hot chick - because of your reluctance'. It's not acceptable to be cold or rude or passive aggressive. That unfortunately is what your boyfriend is doing.
 
*I am responding to many threads recently where the original poster pulled back from posting after their SOs read the the thread and got all unhappy at what was written about them. This is not solely in response to AnnabelMore's post above.*

While many folks recommend that the other people involved read threads so they can get the OP's perspective, I suggest that you keep this to yourself. Your boyfriend will not react well and will likely demand you stop coming here. You will lose some possibly valuable outside advice and contact. The last thing you want is to be even more isolated and alone than you already are.
 
As much as it sucks, if I were in your position, I would end the relationship. I find it unlikely that you will ever feel safe living within his selfish definition of "poly" or respected by him, and that is a very tiring way to live. If he isn't willing to put the work in now, you can expect that isn't going to change.
 
*I am responding to many threads recently where the original poster pulled back from posting after their SOs read the the thread and got all unhappy at what was written about them. This is not solely in response to AnnabelMore's post above.*

While many folks recommend that the other people involved read threads so they can get the OP's perspective, I suggest that you keep this to yourself. Your boyfriend will not react well and will likely demand you stop coming here. You will lose some possibly valuable outside advice and contact. The last thing you want is to be even more isolated and alone than you already are.

Genebean's boyfriend already has an account here. His username is polypenguin. He started two threads here, both of which complain about how slowly Genebean wants to take things, and how unfair he feels it is to keep waiting. He seems rather fixated on having sex with multiple people. Genebean's threads talk about how insecure and hesitant she feels. She's 21, Polypenguin was her first love.

Genebean, this might be the point where you both realize you've grown in different directions as far as what you want from relationships. Maybe it is over. Polypenguin is eager to fuck lots of people, and is hanging out with people who want that too. It seems he's becoming a bit of a tyrant, and sulky if he doesn't get what he wants. You should never feel like you have to talk to or hang out with (or have sex with) anyone you don't want to, just because Polypenguin is having a tantrum. When I was your age, I had to let go of a long-term relationship, and it was difficult, but necessary for me to be happy and satisfied with my own direction in life. I had to do it, because I knew I had my own growing up and experiencing the world to do, which did not match my then-boyfriend's path. You might need to let him go, too. I agree with Anneintherain, it sounds like it's time to end the relationship.
 
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again

Again, thank you all for your perspective and understanding of my situation. This has been one of the hardest situations I have ever been through and I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I got back from spending the weekend with my friend, my bf and I had a long talk about the current state of things and a breakup was discussed, although we decided against it. He acknowledged my feelings and has said that he will not have anything more than a distant friendship with them unless I can feel completely at ease with them. We also decided we will go much slower with things and came up with a compromise we are both happy with. I am feeling much more optimistic about the situation and our relationship and I don't feel as much that I am merely treading water so to speak. We have a ways to go but we are making headway.


I know that alot of what I have said has made him look like a total d-bag, which he can be, and admittedly, I can be a real bitch, but this is just what we have been going through as of late. We are young and are prone to mistakes because of that but are trying to learn from our mistakes together, getting a few bumps and bruises along the way. I guess my point in writing this is that I hope that you guys do not judge him too harshly. He is an incredible guy and although this hasn't been his best moment he is sensitive and understanding and we love eachother alot. Thanks again!
 
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