InfinitePossibility
New member
You may not be totally aware (and it may be that this is just a perception from reading what you and Matt have written). But - I get the impression that you are all changing your minds and making new decisions frequently and without much time for deep thought.
First of all, you, Matt, Si and your children were all going to move together.
Then Si had a problem with that and you wanted to put it on hold.
Matt had a problem with that. He left for a while and during that time was talking about divorce and custody battles.
Matt came back to you, thinking he needed to find a way to accommodate Si in your life but not in his.
You broke up with Si to concentrate on your marriage and initially she and you weren't speaking at all.
Then you went to your friend's wedding and she and you started talking and rebuilding a relationship.
For a while Si was seeing the kids and she and Matt were avoiding talking. That seemed to be okay.
Suddenly it's not okay. Matt isn't happy, Si isn't happy. Another new decision is made - Si must be cut off from the kids.
It feels to me like you guys are all swinging around, making conflicting decisions very quickly and not taking time to think them through. You all seem to be seeking ways to make the pain stop. You can't. This pain is pain that you must go through. You and Matt must deal with the damage to your marriage. Si must deal with losing her partner. You must deal with losing your partner. Grief can't be swept away by cutting people out of your life, by deciding to work on relationships, by anything.
Common advice while grieving is to make no big decisions or major life changes for about 6 months after the incident that caused the grief.
In your shoes - I'd hold off moving to the other side of the world, I'd work on marriage rebuilding and friendship rebuilding and I'd make sure that there was no additional grief to any new people - so I would act as a go between for Si and kids as neither Matt nor Si seem able to do it themselves. And I'd do the things I find comforting when I'm sad to help me cope with what I had to go through.
That would be pretty much it for at least 6 months.
Grief sucks and it happens to everybody and there isn't a fast way through it.
IP
First of all, you, Matt, Si and your children were all going to move together.
Then Si had a problem with that and you wanted to put it on hold.
Matt had a problem with that. He left for a while and during that time was talking about divorce and custody battles.
Matt came back to you, thinking he needed to find a way to accommodate Si in your life but not in his.
You broke up with Si to concentrate on your marriage and initially she and you weren't speaking at all.
Then you went to your friend's wedding and she and you started talking and rebuilding a relationship.
For a while Si was seeing the kids and she and Matt were avoiding talking. That seemed to be okay.
Suddenly it's not okay. Matt isn't happy, Si isn't happy. Another new decision is made - Si must be cut off from the kids.
It feels to me like you guys are all swinging around, making conflicting decisions very quickly and not taking time to think them through. You all seem to be seeking ways to make the pain stop. You can't. This pain is pain that you must go through. You and Matt must deal with the damage to your marriage. Si must deal with losing her partner. You must deal with losing your partner. Grief can't be swept away by cutting people out of your life, by deciding to work on relationships, by anything.
Common advice while grieving is to make no big decisions or major life changes for about 6 months after the incident that caused the grief.
In your shoes - I'd hold off moving to the other side of the world, I'd work on marriage rebuilding and friendship rebuilding and I'd make sure that there was no additional grief to any new people - so I would act as a go between for Si and kids as neither Matt nor Si seem able to do it themselves. And I'd do the things I find comforting when I'm sad to help me cope with what I had to go through.
That would be pretty much it for at least 6 months.
Grief sucks and it happens to everybody and there isn't a fast way through it.
IP