Letting go

redsirenn

New member
Hi everyone.

I have a general question - something that is running through my head.

Ouroboros is planning a get away this coming week, and he is "allowed" for lack of a better word, to make out with girls. I have gotten to the point where I am a little nervous, but really not jealous or afraid, or anything negative. I am more excited for him. Yay for us, right?

Now - in perfect nature with myself - I find that I am actually worried that letting go may mean I let go of him, of my heart, etc.

I don't feel like that now, but It seems like in any platonic relationship I have had, the common denominator is lack of ownership of their physical/ sexual self.

Has anyone felt this way before or thought about this?
 
Hey Redsiren,

Yea - I think I remember experiencing that myself and have heard others speak of it. I think it's more just that "brave new world" phenom. Like you said - the only experience most of us have in 'letting go' has ended up in a shrinking or dissolution of things.

This is really different.

It's more about letting go of mutual 'anchor points' if that makes sense. We're untying from the dock, going sailing in different ships. The plan is to stay together and eventually reach a new port. A natural worry that a storm may blow in and send us in different directions is likely to be there. But we have to believe that if that happens, we'll get back on course and still end up at the planned port - just maybe at a slightly different time. Trust.

GS
 
Yes, I've felt that way. I spent a lot of time worrying about it and trying to get it to make sense to me. After we became polyamorous, I actually spent months and months mulling over the idea that sharing sex with ONLY your primary partner is what made the relationship special--yes, I know that sex isn't really what made the relationship special but bear with me-- and if you have sex with other partners, what is the difference between your primary and anyone else?

Okay, the bad news is that I haven't been able to find a clear-cut, easy answer to that. Sorry, I know it should be easier but I just can't make it tip over the edge into understanding yet.

The good news is, I haven't lost feelings for my husband by "allowing" him to have sex with our girlfriend. (baby steps...) "Losing ownership" of his physical self was hard at first, but I can tell you that as I work through my issues, I think that I don't actually feel like I've lost ownership. I feel like everything I love about him is still there, and our physical intimacy is still loving and an expression of the bond we feel. I *am* insecure sometimes, but I feel connected to him, not at all like my platonic relationships. We still have the foundation of our relationship. (I hope that was more helpful than confusing.)
 
I find that I am actually worried that letting go may mean I let go of him, of my heart, etc.

This has happened to me in the past. I'm not saying it will happen to you though. At the end of my marriage I don't think I would have had a problem opening up my relationship simply because there wasn't one there in the "connected, I am in love sense". This feeling is a warning sign for me personally, but I am mono so it's different. When I hold the proverbial door open for someone, I'm probably going to close it behind them.
 
Lemon drop - that was good insight. thanks.

Mono - You are dating a poly person. Do you feel that her seeing other people, and you letting go of her in that way impacts your relationship? ( I have my assumptions... but I don't want to assume)

And for you - do you feel that you are mono because if you were to explore other romantic relationships the door would close on your existing one?
 
Mono - You are dating a poly person. Do you feel that her seeing other people, and you letting go of her in that way impacts your relationship? ( I have my assumptions... but I don't want to assume)

My example was more directed at my past relationship, however, outside of the specifics of our boundaries, there is still an impact felt in my current relationship in regards to activities that I lump under the umbrella of intimacy. Dating or even BDSM fall into that so in short..yes.

And for you - do you feel that you are mono because if you were to explore other romantic relationships the door would close on your existing one?

In order for me to even explore another romantic relationship the door would already have to be closed. There is no overlap. My interest in someone signals my lack of interest in any one else. This does not imply that I have to be in love with anyone at all. Love isn't a game of hopscotch for me. There could be huge breaks. I have no need to explore anyone else...I love Redpepper because I love her, not because I want to love someone or be loved. I was meant to love her.
 
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Found this nice poem online:
An anonymous poem. LETTING GO
Share
Friday, 26 February 2010 at 14:37 | Edit note | Delete
To Let Go does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.

To Let Go is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.

To Let Go is not to enable. But to allow learning from natural consequences.

To Let Go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To Let Go is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.

To Let Go is not to care for, but to care about.

To Let Go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To Let Go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To Let Go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To Let Go is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.

To Let Go is not to deny, but to accept.

To Let Go is not to nag, scold, or argue; but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.

To Let Go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To Let Go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To Let Go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To Let Go is to fear less, and Love more.
 
Wow, great answers!!
I loved the poem RS.

I personally don't have this particular issue.

I'm not sure why.... I guess I've just known from an early age that control wasn't true (in terms of relationships/destiny etc)... I don't know if I was taught that concept or not, but I know that in my closest relationships I have never felt the need to try to hold on to them in any way-we just KNOW we are bonded.

Also-I don't equate sex with the deepest intimacy either. My most intensely intimate moments with one I love aren't sexual. I DO bond during sex, but that's not the deepest, most important way to bond.......

This is an issue (well THE issue) that caused the breach today between Maca and I. He can't seem to understand that in trying to keep control-he's actually distancing himself from me, and in trying NOT to let go-he's actually pushing me further from him.... :(
 
I've found that I only have a problem 'letting go' when I don't actually have a grip in the first place: when I have a deep emotional bond with someone and we're not in a place to recognize it, and that person is with someone else. (I had a best friend once upon a time, and a mono boyfriend, and... yeah.)

The closest I get to difficulty letting go these days is noticing the moment pass by in which I'm societally expected to have difficulty, wondering for a moment if I'm actually feeling any, not finding any problems, and carrying on with my day. Then again, I'm just as hard-wired to be poly as Mono is to be mono, so it's not "in my genes" to worry about this sort of thing. :eek:

How about everyone else?
 
So - He's there... I am here. Feel like I am on a roller coaster ride.

Going out soon with my buddies, then dinner with his buddies. He's been attentive. I've been nervous.

Still - getting work done, and moving through the day.

You know how it feels right before you lift your foot off of that cliff.

That is how I feel.
 
@Redsirenn, best wishes! Let us know how the rest goes.

Thinking of you,
~S
 
Well, I survived the weekend.

He did make out with a girl while away... I don't feel so weird about the specific makeout session - still more on what will happen next. So, I learned that my fears are really fears of the unknown more than anything. I find I worry alot, and I cannot find rational backing to the worry, but I still get anxious.

I talked to him about it. Mentioned that I feel is is rooted in wanting this to be something special, that the way I was so used to romantic relationships being special was with sexual exclusivity. The thing is that I have had PLENTY of exclusive relationships that were NOT special. The sex had little to no role in that.

Special is feeling like I am cared for, feeling like there is something about me that sets me apart from all the other girls he would be with. I know there is... I am awesome. It is just hard to not get overwhelmed by all those negative thoughts.

Anyhow - we have been dating for a little over a year, and when he came back he said he loved me for the first time. It kind've scared me, because I really feel he means it and with that comes responsibility. At the same time, I do feel special for him putting his heart out there, for taking risks with me, and for feeling that he can be himself.

It makes me think that part of this letting go thing is having trust enough to not worry so much. The tree analogy I have is the feeling of standing on a tree branch high above the water, wanting to jump, but feeling frozen thinking about all that can go wrong. Friends below cheering you on because they know how awesome you will feel when you finally jump.

I am realizing I am missing an important part of that here - Ouroboros is at the bottom, in the water, if I need him to help me.

So, The lows suck, for sure.
The highs are pretty high.

:)
 
...I talked to him about it. Mentioned that I feel is is rooted in wanting this to be something special, that the way I was so used to romantic relationships being special was with sexual exclusivity. The thing is that I have had PLENTY of exclusive relationships that were NOT special. The sex had little to no role in that.

Special is feeling like I am cared for, feeling like there is something about me that sets me apart from all the other girls he would be with. I know there is... I am awesome. It is just hard to not get overwhelmed by all those negative thoughts. ...

This is exactly what I have been trying to come to terms with. So far, about the only answer I can find is that, with time I eventually see that he does see me as special. I can think I am awesome, but that doesn't mean that he will value me the way I feel I should be valued, you know? That opens me up to being hurt. But over time I'm getting to see that he does value me, and also examining my feelings for him and realizing that I think he's special even without sexual exclusivity--if I can feel that way, so can he, right?

Anyway, thanks for sharing--I've been struggling with this issue for some time, and it's nice to see how someone else is dealing with it.
 
Yes, I do know.

I think that time might be the only way for this to resolve itself. Time, and learning to trust - which comes with time.

I cannot, well, I kind've refuse to try to convince myself that he sees me as special in the way I feel I should be too. I think that might be selling myself short.

I freak out, for sure.... obsess, and try to confront these uncomfortable feelings of insecurity and fear. What it comes down to is this: What I have to gain vs what I have to lose.

Right now I have someone who WANTS to confront these feelings in each other because he truly believes that it will make us stronger people. I have come to 2 realizations... 1) I don't think monogamy or non monogamy is something I am very passionate about... I could really go either way. So, this is not something that has a deep desire in me to explore. It also says to me that I don't have some deep rooted moral opposition and that there are other things I value more in romantic relationships.

2) What I do want is to learn to let go... I want to NOT carry around these insecurities with me forever. I am really tired of avoiding, or bottling up my emotions. Right now, I have someone to hold my hand, to talk to about my deepest fears, and to help me walk through them. The poly thing is really just one way that I could do this, as there are probably many others.

So, I can make a choice.... so far, even though I feel scared, I am choosing this way.

We will just see, I suppose.
 
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