How many poly ppl tell their family?

My wife told her brothers and sisters and she got a very negative response. Then her mum suspected and asked her sister outright if my wife was having another relationship. Of course at this point she couldn't lie, so she told her. Still not sure of my wife's parents response to it all as they live far away and she hasn't really had a chance to talk it all through.

But then she visited my mum and told her that she is in another relationship. My parents took it really badly. They say they never ever want to meet him, that our amazing and inspiring marriage is going to be on the rocks and they don't want to watch it go down in flames and have to pick up the pieces. They totally and completely disagree and disapprove and they think I've been completely deceived into something destructive. They are absolutely devastated and hurt by it all...

On the positive side, they still say they love me...

I'll give them time and we'll see how it unfolds...
 
I have not come out to my parents about the poly yet. I was in the lifestyle when I was married. My dad and step mom knew about that. I decided to bring it up when my ex was going through someone's photo album (after it became quite clear they were both lifestylers) and he sees a picture of my mother and father!!!! I kinda figured at that point we were on some even ground. lol

I have not told them about the poly. My step mom is really a "well you have never done anything the normal way anyway" and lets stuff go. My dad... well I just don't know that he would do well with it.

So I am kinda just going on the fact that the economy sucks and everyone is hurting for money and I am lucky I have great room mates. lol
 
After going through a divorce I got a place with my mom because she was the only one who could help me get back on my feet that was in the area so I could finish my schooling up. By that I mean we both got a place together, not that I moved into the basement of the place she was currently at :) Shortly after moving in I found out that two of my friends were married and were poly. I have since been in a relationship with T, my friends wife. Thankfully out of my parents mom is the more liberal one and with our cohabitation it became impossible to hide what was going on from her. She responded very well and really likes T. She tells me that she may not fully understand how we can do what we do, but she is happy that I am happy and found someone that loves me for who I am.

My dad on the other hand is pretty conservative, in fact still holds a grudge against my mom for cheating on him about two decades ago. He knows that I am seeing T, but not that she is already married. I do not know if I will ever be able to tell him the whole story. Thankfully he lives a good distance away so it will not be that difficult to keep the secret. Hell I think he is still trying to comprehend the fact that she is black and I am white, a product of his conservative upbringing I suppose. While it does kind of suck that I feel I can never be completely honest with him about it, I also do not lose any sleep over it. Maybe I never will, but I am happy to be living my life the way I want to.
 
To tell or not to tell...

Indeed, that's a tough one. I don't have any close relatives in town, so I don't have to worry about telling anyone really. My eldest child knows (she's 14) but my youngest (he's 10) hasn't really been told yet. My ex (their dad) does not know, as I think it might freak him out and cause me some problems regarding the custody arrangements we have. The ex is fairly religious and polyamory probably offends his moral sensibilities...

My current hubby isn't out to his family yet. Few know of his bisexuality and no one knows about the polyamory.

Now my boyfriend is more open, his family and his two live-in mates families all know about their triad. But they don't all know about me (well his dad does), or other SO's any of them may have who do not live with them. Better not push the envelope too far I guess.

I really hate that society is so judgmental. It's a bit suffocating having to hide a part of who you are all the time.
 
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I came out about being poly to my parents in December when my wife and I had a girlfriend who was living with us. We figured it would be easier than coming up with some story about why she was with us at Xmas and everything. It went almost the opposite of how I thought it would. My mom was okay with it as long as I was happy. My dad on the other hand was a big hypocrite. Apparently me and my wife dating a girl while we're married is wrong but there was nothing wrong with him cheating on my mom with at least 5 different women when they were married.
 
Coming out...or not.

The first person to "guess" that Dude was more than MrS's best friend was my LDR FWB MsJ (...and no, I have not been with her since being with him or she would have been informed so she could decide if she still wanted to play with me after I had played with someone other than my husband). All three of us were at a party at her (and Rube's house - they are married). Dude had his hand in my back pocket at one point - MsJ said "Get your hand out of her pocket, you're not sleeping with her..." (this after rejecting my amourous advances all night because her MIL was there...even if asleep).

Apparently Dude and I both gave her a meaningful look because her next comment, to me, was "How many lovers do you HAVE anyway girl?" (Dude and I were just starting out then, we laughed). She must have told our other mutual friends at some point because another friend of ours asked me a few months later if we made Dude sleep on the couch (the friend doing the asking doesn't sleep on the couch when he sleeps over but is not a FWB [although he would like to be]...we just have a big bed.)

My whole family has met Dude (introduced as MrS's friend) when he was at our house for 1/2 of our "family week" at my house - responses varied. One sister said that she wouldn't braid his beard (dwarf-style) until she had known him for at least a year .. Other sister's husband a few weeks later said that "LittleD" (their son - age 5) was curious as to whether Dude's mom knew that he was staying with us and whether "AuntJane" minded. My mother invited him to Thanksgiving dinner (without further questions) and my dad recently asked about him and commented that he didn't seem the type of friend that MrS would have as a friend (which is funny to me since Dude was friends with MrS for 1-2 years before I ever met him). My response to each was a laugh or a non-commital vague response to the effect that he was friends with both of us. My family doesn't tend to pry more than that (whatever they may think or surmise) - so now that it is an established fact that Dude is part of our lives they probably won't ask directly for any further details...

MrS's Mom and step-dad have met Dude (again presented as “MrS's friend”). Prior to this they, at one point, asked who he was (since he came up often in random conversation) but accepted whatever vague answer we gave and have not asked any further questions.

The way I see it, by the time we have to “come out” officially to our immediate family (a few years down the road if things work out) then they will have already come to the realization on their own that Dude is more than just a “friend”.

I, personally, am much more worried about getting fired from my job should the truth come out that I am about censure from my family. I won't engage in PDA's with Dude in the major (yet small) town in our area. I will go out to eat or go shopping with him. If we happen to run into someone from work I will introduce him as MrS's friend who is doing me a favor.
 
Opening Up - Who Can You Tell? Friends, Family and Coworkers?

A little background:

My wife and I opened our marriage up about a year and a half ago. We started by getting involved in the swinging community and by giving each other "hall passes". We have since shifted away from trying to meet couples to play with together and more towards polyamory and having seperate and more involved relationships.

We've been very secretive about all this. The only people that know about our non-manogamy are other swingers and people we've met through online dating sites. My wife has since opened it up to one female friend, but that has been about it. None of our other friends or family know about this. My coworkers (here in the bible belt) are generally a pretty conservative bunch and a few of them have very loose lips, so I've been very reluctant to even hint at this to anybody from whom word can spread.

My problem is that there is a new girl at the office that I've become good friends with. We had a lovely lunch together today. Regardless of whether or not anything will happen between us, I would love to share this with her, just to have someone to talk to.

So my questions are:

Who have you told about your arrangement? Potential partners only, partners and close friends and family or everybody?

Have you ever experienced negative consequences from telling the wrong person?
 
So my questions are:

Who have you told about your arrangement? Potential partners only, partners and close friends and family or everybody?

Have you ever experienced negative consequences from telling the wrong person?

We are out to our close friends and potential partners only. Our families know that Dude lives with us but not the details of our relationship (although they suspect and I'm sure are figuring it out).

No negative consequences yet.

... there is a new girl at the office that I've become good friends with. We had a lovely lunch together today. Regardless of whether or not anything will happen between us, I would love to share this with her, just to have someone to talk to.

If it were ME - I'd be very, very hesitant to do this. But then...I am a very private person and keep my professional/public life and my personal life completely separate anyway.

If you are just looking to have someone to talk to I would try cultivating friends OUTSIDE of work - hobby/interest groups, etc. (not necessarily poly related groups - although you could look there too).

Just my two cents.

JaneQ
 
When I was in a long-term, heading-toward-marriage relationship, we were only out to our other partners for the first two years we opened up. In the third year, I began to open up to friends who didn't live in our city and who didn't have any connections to us to allow the word to spread around our community, and he eventually opened up to a highly trusted mutual friend of ours.

For the most part, people were more curious about our choices than negative. Since we've gone our separate ways, I've become openly polyamorous with everyone in my life, and he doesn't hide what our relationship was from anyone in his life or who knew us as a couple.
 
My problem is that there is a new girl at the office that I've become good friends with. We had a lovely lunch together today. Regardless of whether or not anything will happen between us, I would love to share this with her, just to have someone to talk to.
Small piece of completely un-asked for advice; DONT DATE AT WORK! Fishing off the company pier is a terrible idea for a laundry list of reasons.

Who have you told about your arrangement?
Most (if not all) of my friends know. Nobody in my family does, though that is more because I just haven't bothered to say anything rather than deliberately trying to hide.

Most of my coworkers know simply because we spend so much time socializing that it'd be hard to hide.

Have you ever experienced negative consequences from telling the wrong person?
Not really. It helped rid me of a few superfluous dickheads I had in my life but no there's been no significant blowback.

I was expecting there to be a total bloodbath once I went public but no, most people barely reacted. I think most people tend to over-estimate the response that people will have. Sometimes you get blindsided by someone you weren't expecting but usually the trouble makers are apparent before you open up.
 
We are all out to everyone. Both the guys are out at work (both also have supervisor positions in their respective fields).
I am out at school.

All of our friends and family know.
It's just not something I can imagine trying to keep secret.

The three of us live together-have for 10 years. We're raising kids-we're out with them as well.

I often say, I just don't do closets well & poly is no exception.
 
We are out to most of our friends, however we have not told our family.

Most of our friends are either in poly relationships too or are poly-friendly so that was no issue.

I'm pretty sure our families would disapprove though so it's just easier to keep it from them. I'm not ashamed of our lives but don't want to spend the energy defending our choices and lifestyle to people who will likely never understand or approve. It's really none of their business anyway.
 
Thanks for the tips.

I'll have to try being less secretive about the arrangement my wife and I have. My biggest fear is that when people find out about our openess, I'll be somewhat embarrassed by the fact that my wife finds a lot more partners than I do. It sounds great on paper, but in reality it's a bit different.

When I do tell people about our arrangement, I'll make sure the one that do find out are both open minded and discrete.

Yes, I am a bit uneasy about the whole "don't get your honey where you get your money", but aside from "dating" sites which don't seem to work, I don't have many opportunities to meet potential partners. Still I'll make sure that I keep my friendship with the new girl in the office at just that. If I do meet someone at work I'll make sure they at least work in another department.
 
I think most people tend to over-estimate the response that people will have. Sometimes you get blindsided by someone you weren't expecting but usually the trouble makers are apparent before you open up.

This is similar to my own experience. I've had some dumb questions asked but mainly everyone seems to just pretend I didn't say it. Most people in my personal life know well enough to keep their condemnation to themselves else they risk an escort to the door.

As far as work is concerned, I approach my polyamory the same way I always have my atheism: if I'm willing to get burned down by some religious twat because they hate what they don't understand... then I should share it. If I'm NOT willing to go to war with some hillbilly then I'd better keep my trap shut. (note: I live in Texas)
 
Coming out to family as queer and polyamorous

If you're non-straight and polyamorous, did you come out to your family? As both or one of these?

If both, did you come out as non-straight and polyamorous at the same time, or did you come out as one first and then the other later?

Would you advise someone to come out to family, especially a family adverse to alternative sexual lifestyles, to come out as both at the same time, or one at a time?
 
I did them separately because I never intended to come out to my parents as poly. That happened because my mom thinks she can listen in on conversations (such as listening through a closed door).

However my parents have seemed to forgotten about the poly part and I probably will not bring it up until I have bought a house (the money that would be used, stocks, are in an account under both my dad and myself {was opened when I was born and according to the stockbroker it's a pain in the ass to change ownership} and I don't want to risk causing a situation that makes that money difficult to reach).
 
If separately, which one will you do first? What are your metrics to even choose? Can that choice be misconstrued as you being "unsure" that you are either poly or queer? Why give your apparently already close-minded family even more ammunition, albeit unwittingly?

... not worth the time/effort to think circles around doing them separately.

If you must, rip both band-aids off at once.

However, I think "the best kind of coming out" is not acting out of the ordinary, like my lifestyle is the most normal in the world. It's hard to attack someone who possesses the quiet confidence that what they are doing is right by them, and right by who they love.
 
I came out as poly first and as asexual later, only to my mom. The reason I did them separately is simple: I didn't realize I was asexual at first. I won't come out as anything to any other family member, because I'm not close to them at all.
 
How do I come out as Poly to Coworkers/Religious Family/Friends?

First of all, I don't live at home anymore and I am able to support myself. In order to avoid conflict and a bad home life as a teenager, I waited until I was out of the house to come clean to my family about some things. But now it feels like I just keep dropping bombs on them. They spent the first 18 years of my life thinking I was one way, and in the last two years I've had to explain that I am an atheist, that I had a girlfriend, and then that I was Pansexual! So, my very conservative catholic family is getting pretty tired of my announcements.

SO

I was wondering if anyone had any advise on how to tell my parents and family about Polyamory.

How do I explain Poly to people who's religion condemns it as sin?

And on that note, What is an appropriate way/time to come out as poly to people who are interested in dating you? To new friends? How about coworkers?

Andy advise/personal stories are appreciated!
 
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