Need some pep talk for tonight, seeing my metamour

Cleo

New member
background: my husbands GF cheated on him. It looked like they were to break up, but they're back together, trying to make it work. I did not really trust her before this happened, and of course, the cheating did not help :p

anyway, tonight I'm going to an event where both she and my husband will be present. I haven't seen her since the whole thing happened. He is essentially going with her, I'm going alone or possibly with a friend. Its kind of hard to explain the dynamics of the event without going into specifics, but I'll just say that she'll be more on the hosting side and I'll be more on the guest side (I'm going there to support a close friend of mine, who's also on the hosting side).

GF is beautiful, glamorous and will be in her own world and element.
I've put on my sexiest dress and high heels.
And am freaking out.

All my insecurities about not being pretty or beautiful or interesting enough are kicking in. I know they're stupid.
I was doing pretty well recently... but the thought of the confrontation is just SO stresfull. Can't make these voices shut up... that my husband will be more proud of her than me.
He's there with her, and will leave with her.
Ugh.

Help! pep talk needed!
 
You are going there to support a close friend of yours.
You are going there to support a close friend of yours.
You are going there to support a close friend of yours.
You are going there to support a close friend of yours.
You are going there to support a close friend of yours.

The GF is NOT your problem.

And you can always LEAVE if you like after you see your friend.
And you can always LEAVE if you like after you see your friend.
And you can always LEAVE if you like after you see your friend.
And you can always LEAVE if you like after you see your friend.
And you can always LEAVE if you like after you see your friend.

Hang in there!
You can do it!

GG
 
Hi Cleo,

You have courage. Courage is something to be celebrated. Go celebrate that tonight. Celebrate that right now too - and 5 minutes from now. It takes courage to look at yourself. It takes courage to look at your personal stuff the way I know you have. It's time to give yourself some credit, and a lot of hugs.
 
thank you both.. GG, yes you are right, I am going there for my friend, and nothing should stop me from supporting my loved ones.

snowmelt, I do feel courageous and yet sometimes so incredibly weak and small... its the biggest challenge of my life to face these fears, and I know it's all for a good reason, but it is upsetting and unsettling sometimes!
what it comes down to is that there should be no reason why she makes me insecure.. my husbands loves me and I have no doubts about that.. no complaints about how he treats me, at all...
and I do not want her to have this kind of power over me.

Well I guess that was my pep talk to myself :) will report back tomorrow...
 
what it comes down to is that there should be no reason why she makes me insecure.. my husbands loves me and I have no doubts about that.. no complaints about how he treats me, at all...

I so relate to you. :) I am loved by a wonderful girl who is actively dating. She gives me no reason at all to doubt her love - she is incredibly supportive. Yet I still feel crazy, insecure, jealous, and petty whenever she sees one of her lovers. I just need to get the f&*%$ over myself. Still, knowing that doesn't do much to stop the voices in your head does it? :)

Just wanted you to know you're not alone in this, and that there's nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.
 
thanks redsalamander! sorry you are feeling that way.. I have to say I don't always feel that way, fortunately. I am, overall, fine with them dating, hanging out, having sleepovers. I do have my triggers, but that's another story. BUT, it's the meeting her face to face that is really hard for me. Something about seeing her, feeling her energy, makes everything so incredibly close and sensitive. I tend to be more jealous after I've seen her, because it feeds my tendency to visualize things (like, them having sex).

Now my husband is completely the opposite... when he is jealous or insecure, he wants to meet my lovers, he says that seeing them as a real person instead of as just an image in his head, kills the demons.

well, I'd rather just have the images, and not feed them with fresh video material, thank you very much :)

so interesting how everyone is so different...
 
I understand. I didn't get the strength I have today from the easy and good times in my life. I got it by getting through the hard times and the fears I used to have. I think it's interesting that strength is a very good thing, but it doesn't come from the easy good times. It comes from the hard scary times.

The hard scary times gave me the strength that the good times couldn't. I know the hard times served me. They just did it it a different way than the good times do now. I think you have an inner wisdom that guides you well. I saw it in your earlier posts. I still see it.
 
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Along the same lines as what Forrest's momma use to tell him:

"Beautiful is as beautiful does"

I'm sure your husband is proud of and finds beauty in you not betraying trust and cheating. Head up high where it belongs lady!
 
You are good with your hubby. That's awesome. But he's not your prob.
I did not really trust her before this happened, and of course, the cheating did not help

what it comes down to is that there should be no reason why she makes me insecure..
There is every reason to feel argh-y about her. You did not trust her before. She's cheated on your loved one and hurt him and you could do nothing to stop it. She is not showing Jedi player colors here. Has she done anything to build trust with you? No?

So of COURSE you do not trust her enough yet. That can be rebuilt and re-earned and it is their relationship to run if he wants to give her a second chance.

But if she's ignoring YOUR tiers in your polyship's polymath you are going to feel annoyed because she is not in right relationship with YOU. The tier of (You + GF) has received apology or what? Otherwise the tier of [you to (DH + GF)] is gonna feel edgy as a result because you are miffed with her for not being a decent meta.

All those mini rships inside the greater polyship have to be tended well to it to fly smooth.

But don't berate yourself for feeling what you feel. It's not unreasonable given the recent circumstances.

GG
 
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soo...... that could have gone better...:(

the evening started off ok, I went to the event with my friend, said hi to husband and the GF, wandered around a bit, met up with other friends. Should have gone home after that. But, by that time I'd had a few drinks and thought well fuck it, I want to stay here with my friends and have fun and dance!
so I did, and I did have fun, but there were moments of weirdness and sadness and awkwardness when I would see my husband and his GF on the other side of the room (or sometimes I did not see them at all, which was possibly even more upsetting).
I stayed too late, was a little drunk, and when I left I wanted to say goodbye to husband and GF. I could not find them so I texted my husband that I was leaving and that I would see him at home.
As I walked to the door I saw them standing outside, not exactly kissing but kind of leaning into each other, embracing, she was smiling and he was giving her a look that I can only describe as very intimate, the kind of look that is really only meant for 1 person.

I know he loves her.. but seeing that moment, was, at that point, just too much. I quickly left without saying anything and cried all the way home, just feeling so utterly alone.
Husband came home shortly after that and held me and comforted me, but there really wasn't much he could do to erase the moment that I had witnessed from my mind, or to make me feel better about the fact that we had been apart from each other all night (at an event where we always went together, and have been going to together for years).

It was just really upsetting and emotionally draining. Besides leaving earlier, or not going at all, I really don't know what I could have done differently. Next time a situation like this comes up I'm going to think really hard if I want to put myself in this position again.
 
As I walked to the door I saw them standing outside, not exactly kissing but kind of leaning into each other, embracing, she was smiling and he was giving her a look that I can only describe as very intimate, the kind of look that is really only meant for 1 person.

I went back through some of your earlier posts to get an idea of how you felt about your partners. You say you love more than one person, but you get upset when he gave her this special look "meant only for you"?

Maybe it's just too late/early for me and I'm understanding this incorrectly, but it seems to me like you value your relationships with your other significant others significantly less than you value your relationship with your husband? Yes, that sentence was confusing for me too.

I'm not trying to say everyone should love equally. I love my wife, and always will love her, more than anyone else. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to share looks of intimacy with my girlfriend/lover/etc.

I've just heard it before, and it's sad to know that the one thing standing in the way of happiness is insecurity. He loves you. Why let that be tarnished by a look he gave someone else?
 
I went back through some of your earlier posts to get an idea of how you felt about your partners. You say you love more than one person, but you get upset when he gave her this special look "meant only for you"?

hi KyleKat, what I meant was not that he is only supposed to look at me that way... what I meant was that at that moment, that look was meant only for her, and that it was difficult for me to be a witness to that intimate moment.

I guess it was all just too much, the fact that we were together at this event without being together, was just so weird.. for the whole evening, she was his date, his priority, and I'm not saying that I should have been the priority instead, just that it was hard and emotional for me to experience.
 
hi KyleKat, what I meant was not that he is only supposed to look at me that way... what I meant was that at that moment, that look was meant only for her, and that it was difficult for me to be a witness to that intimate moment.

I guess it was all just too much, the fact that we were together at this event without being together, was just so weird.. for the whole evening, she was his date, his priority, and I'm not saying that I should have been the priority instead, just that it was hard and emotional for me to experience.

Ah, then I did misunderstand. Sorry about that. Tonight is my first night on 3rd shift, and I've been at work for 10 hours. It's been pretty rough.

Back on track, I could see how an intimate moment with someone else like that would be hard to see. I also know that alcohol does not help situations. It will make your mind race and send you to the worst of possibilities. Don't ever give in to the thoughts you feel while intoxicated. They're the worst.

Going to an event like that when you know you're not going to be the "date" is something I would personally be hesitant to do, for exactly the reason you stated. I've been on "double dates" where the four of us (my wife and I plus the other couple we're seeing) are together, and even that is hard.

I remember now reading about how you wanted to go because you had a friend there as a host. Be that as it may, without having a date of your own, why was it necessary to make an appearance? Would your friend not have understood the difficulty you faced?
 
I remember now reading about how you wanted to go because you had a friend there as a host. Be that as it may, without having a date of your own, why was it necessary to make an appearance? Would your friend not have understood the difficulty you faced?

yes, my friend would have understood.
But I suppose I find it hard to accept that my insecurities would prevent me from going somewhere where I really wanted to go.
 
Hi Cleo,

From what I've read of your other posts, I think I can understand why seeing that look on your husband's face was such a trigger for you: it's not your insecurities, it's because deep down you didn't want to believe that your husband truly loves such an untrustworthy woman.

She's clearly got some issues--is she still cheating on her boyfriend (with your husband)?? Ick.

For what it's worth, I think your husband is being a bit immature in his choices. I also think that a year from now, it's unlikely that he and his girlfriend will still be together.

Also, I wanted to point this out because it occurred to me when I read some of your earlier posts: you and your husband have different ideas about what kind of poly relationships each of you wants. You have "lovers"--men in other cities whom you can visit for caring, sexy friendships. He has a "girlfriend"-- someone he wants to be very integrated into his life, to meet all the friends he shares with you, to go out to dates/events in a public community that overlaps with yours.

Your lovers don't overlap with your husband's social life, right? So that means your husband has it easier than you, kind of? Because you have to struggle with having your own social life impacted by his girlfriend (his emotionally immature girlfriend). But he doesn't have to deal with seeing you with your lover(s) at his social events.

My opinion on your earlier posts was that your husband was being a bit immature and selfish to want a girlfriend who is so integrated in your lives, and then to choose a girlfriend with questionable issues. But I'm biased because my personal preference is for lover-type relationships, each independent of each other, with less integration than relationships with the boyfriend/girlfriend label.

I like the idea of two married people being able to date as individuals and to have other lovers. I know your approach is to try to step back and stay out of your husband's relationship with his girlfriend and let him conduct it how he chooses without a lot of boundaries from you.

But that would work better if she was more like your lovers.

It seems like if your husband's girlfriend was someone he went off to visit for a weekend or an evening every so often, but otherwise you didn't have to interact with her, then it would be fine for him to date a woman with cheating tendencies if that's what he chooses.

But if he wants her totally integrated into the social life shared by the two of you--then no, it's not really fair for him to ignore your bad feelings about her.

You sound intelligent and rational and you are clearly able to do the hard work of dealing with your own insecurities. But I don't think that's what you're dealing with here. I think your husband is besotted and he's asking way too much of you.
 
But I suppose I find it hard to accept that my insecurities would prevent me from going somewhere where I really wanted to go.

Look, you have to obey your own limits. Your insecurities are flags telling you there's unfinished business at those marker points. Don't run. Examine.

You have found these things:

1) You are not good with the meta because of the cheating. I am not hearing any kind of apology/acknowledgement thing was made by her to you, the wife. I'm not hearing that you have asked your meta for one. You don't have to be best friends, but expecting polite to the wife is not unreasonable. Be nice to hear from meta that she's planning on keeping her nose clean and not ding DH anymore because at home? Then YOU are the one holding the emotional bag if she walks! Sheesh. Fresh.

2) Now you have to bear witness to their canoodly faces. That hard to bear when there's still #1 pending. You aren't going to get compersion feel goods by basking in his love light for her so you can go "Awwww... he's so cute when he's in luuuuuvvvvv!" when you feel all arghy about her. It is unfinished business there.

3) You went to an event that you normally attend with DH and overstayed your emotional limit. Even if things were GREAT with the gf and no cheaty stuff -- I think you would have felt sad about one of "your couple things" not happening this year as a couple.

So yah -- you learned some things for next time.

  • Could have stayed briefly to support friend and left early.
  • Could have brought date.
  • Could have skipped it and sent friend flowers or something to commemorate occassion.

Learning to handle that one more gracefully comes at a price -- but now you know some good stuff about yourself and ideas for navigating it next time.

It's not a TOTAL loss.

Hang in there. You will feel better when it isn't so fresh. Remember to BREATHE.

GG
 
You sound intelligent and rational and you are clearly able to do the hard work of dealing with your own insecurities. But I don't think that's what you're dealing with here. I think your husband is besotted and he's asking way too much of you.

yeah, this is exactly the dilemma I'm struggling with. Sometimes I think: suck it up, this is what poly is about, deal with your insecurities and get over it.. and then I think he IS asking too much of me.

He's not besotted though. I've seen him besotted and this is not it. But *what* it is? I have no clue, and I guess that's what so threatening: the not understanding.
 
GalaGirl, she's never going to apologize to me. It's just not how she is or how she's functioning in this relationship. She feels she's in a relationship with my husband only (and she has apologized to him, many times, profusely).

I've been doing a lot of thinking. My husband and I agreed on a time out concerning difficult, relationship-evaluating discussions for 2 months. (part of this time we'll be travelling, just the 2 of us, for some much needed relaxation and reconnecting).
If after this time I feel better and things have settled, good. If I still feel as anxious and nervous as I do now, I will ask him 2 questions:

how would scaling down the frequency of your dates with her affect and influence your relationship with her? Will it still be the relationship you want, will you still get your wants and needs met, or do you need the amount of dates you have now for it to function the way you want?

how would scaling down the frequency of your dates with her affect and influence your relationship with me? would it improve, relax, or would you resent me for making you give up some of your time with her?

I'm just writing these down here so I'll remember them 2 months from now :)
 
Also, I wanted to point this out because it occurred to me when I read some of your earlier posts: you and your husband have different ideas about what kind of poly relationships each of you wants. You have "lovers"--men in other cities whom you can visit for caring, sexy friendships. He has a "girlfriend"-- someone he wants to be very integrated into his life, to meet all the friends he shares with you, to go out to dates/events in a public community that overlaps with yours.

Your lovers don't overlap with your husband's social life, right? So that means your husband has it easier than you, kind of? Because you have to struggle with having your own social life impacted by his girlfriend (his emotionally immature girlfriend). But he doesn't have to deal with seeing you with your lover(s) at his social events.

this isn't completely accurate - we don't necessarily have different views, the people we met sort of shaped the way the r'ships are now.
My husband has met my 2 boyfriends (lovers, I'm always confused what to call them) a couple of times. The boyfriend I see most often (about once a week) has met a number of my friends and would probably be more integrated in my social life if he did not live so far away. But even if he lived closer I would not want see him more than once a week for a sleepover and maybe one more coffeedate - not like the 5 dates my husband has had with his GF the past 10 days (and in this period, him and I only spent the evening together once).

To be fair, he's not really trying to integrate her that much into his social life. They never go anywhere together. This event was a special occasion because she was one of the hosts.
 
GalaGirl, she's never going to apologize to me. It's just not how she is or how she's functioning in this relationship. She feels she's in a relationship with my husband only...

But even if he lived closer I would not want see him more than once a week for a sleepover and maybe one more coffeedate - not like the 5 dates my husband has had with his GF the past 10 days (and in this period, him and I only spent the evening together.

The first quote above really concerns me. Is she really interested in poly? She's correct in that you are not in a sexual relationship with her but... Does she acknowledge your existence and place in his life in any way? You do not need to be best buds or even like each other but recognizing that each other exists and has a place in your husband's life is a minimal requirement. No wonder you distrust her. I would have great issues with someone who didn't acknowledge that I wasn't a random woman in our partner's life.

I don't need to like someone - I didn't care much for SW's girlfriend. (We had little in common besides SW.) But I did respect her. Life is so much easier when partners pick people who are respectful and worthy of being respected. You have neither I'm afraid and that makes everything worse.

What was the fallout in her other relationships from her cheating? Is she trying to address those? How do her other relationships appear?

I ask because I wonder if she is a cowgirl. I understand why you are distrustful of her. She has not acted in a trustworthy manner towards you (and this is separate from how she acted towards your husband).

Is that many dates with her and few with you normal? Or is that unusual perhaps because of the event she hosted? If that's normal, I see why you want to address that.
 
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