Help with poly first time dating

nomadphysicist

New member
Hello everyone,

Long story short, I'm hetero man, with bi woman. My partner T associates as poly, me I'd never thought about Poly before being with T, actually she has been my only partner, but I'm trying it. We officially polyfied our relationship about 3 months ago, previously my partner had had a few trial relationships let's say. We have a son, S, between us.

So my problem is this. Last week, I went out and unexpectedly found myself meeting, hitting on and kissing a girl I met at a party. I didn't tell her then that I have a kid, partner, am poly. I guess I thought it would just be too much at once and didn't need to be said initially. However, today she calls me up and asks if I want to hang out. Right now, T is away visiting her very new romantic interest, so I'm looking after my son full time. I was a bit flabbergasted, so I said I had to do some work tonight and that I'd call her tomorrow to organise something for tomorrow.

So, what do I do? I can pretty much only invite her round my house tomorrow evening as have to get S to sleep etc. And in that case I have to tell her I have a son, he has a mum, who lives here and we're poly together but that seems like something I should tell her before coming round, but something that I shouldn't just text her. This is my first time trying anything like this and I thought there's probably someone here who knows this situation and what might work.

Alternatively, I can just say I have a son and not talk about his mum, or just say his mum is away at her boyfriends but it seems that if anything were to develop it wouldn't be great to start off with that deception.
So any ideas?
 
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Imho you can't do that much wrong. It's just date two.
I think you could call her, tell her that you're looking after your son and that you're polyamorous and happy to talk about how that works for you if she comes in the evening. You can specify that you understand if she doesn't want it to be a date, but that you'd still love to talk to her.
She might be disappointed, but I don't see bad treatment here. If she hasn't heard about polyamory, she could be surprised but curious. If she has, she could tell you right away that she's not up for it, or she could be curious too.

But it's just an impression, I don't have actual experience doing this.
 
Are you familiar with the Americanism, "three strikes & you're out"? :) IME, it's best to give up after two, as that means the third is just likely to be a repeat of the same errors, but done with more exertion (being the last try) & therefore creating even more problems. I get the feeling you've got two strikes.

meeting, hitting on and kissing a girl I met at a party.
In my intimate network, & in fact in the wider community, that would have passed unremarked as "a little flirtatious." ;) So (IMO) no need to data-dump your bio on her at that point. No strike.

she calls me up and asks if I want to hang out.
Now, THAT was your first clear opportunity to be honest & up-front. After all, either you risk chasing her off with your honesty, or beginning a relatuionship requiring that you maintain A LIE until "it's the right time to mention it" which really is usually never.

Strike one.

I can just say I have a son and not talk about his mum
Setting yourself up for Strike Two. Let's try to dodge that.

First of all, get the notion out of your head that chatting innocently with a stranger is somehow "a date." That term has really come to irritate me, as I've heard it used for everything from "I just said hi to someone on Instagram" to "we've been living together for ten years." The result is that seemingly many people aren't able to fully enjoy getting to know a new potential friend because they're all locked into how to get them in the sack AND how to keep getting them in the sack for many years to come. :rolleyes:

Tell her. Whether you tell her tonight (on the phone) or tomorrow (in person) is up to you... but if you tell her NOW & she vanishes, at least you'll be certain you have tomorrow open (& probably sleep better tonight). As well, if you tell her NOW, you won't be tempted to lie to her tomorrow.

Either way, DO NOT info-bomb her. Let her ask questions. Mention that you're caring for your son, & would enjoy having her over for tea & a snack & some conversation once he's bedded down for the night. (Though in my household, a new friend would have been welcome to hang out with the kids running wild.)

IME, if I'd been in your situation, & let her know tonight, she might leap to the tentative conclusion that I'm a cheater. :eek: So, that';s what I'd be prepared to work with!! The quzzing starts off easy: "Oh, son? Really! What's his name? How old is he?" & so forth. Then the sideways slip: "So, you're divorced, then?" ;) Though maybe she's a no-nonsense type: "You're married?!?"

Either way, remain calm, speak casually: "Oh, yah, we've had an open relationship for years now. Fact is, she's off at her boyfriend's, so I have all the parenting. What sort of tea would you like?"

(note: don't use jargon like "poly" -- not everyone has even heard it, & most of them have balled-up notions of what it means. Most everyone apprehends "open marriage," & "boyfriend" locks it.)

Let's say you get past that hurdle. Make clear that YOU have to get up promptly the next morning -- my children were (of course) perfect, but I didn't have a reliable night's sleep for four years -- & therefore will need to send her on her way by some clear time, but would like to make plans for a next conversation.

When she's there, avoid blathering on about your s/o, but be certain to answer your new friend's questions (if succinctly) to make clear there's no guilty secrecy.

I don't recommend ANY sex, even if she initiates it. Your thinking is already cloudy enough. Considering your inexperience & nervousness, I'd suggest you wait months.

What's the rush, anyway? Nice that you met someone interesting, but she's HARDLY the last lobster in the tank. :D Desperation is NOT attractive. It'll be more enjoyable when you can be properly relaxed, AND you'll have a budding friendship as bonus.

Furthermore, rather than guess at how your s/o will react, you'll both be able to adapt (emotionally & intellectually) to the notion. Again, your success can only increase.

Bon chance, keep us posted. :cool:
 
Thanks guys. Particularly, Ravenscroft, your advice about casual seems so helpful, I could imagine myself infodumping and that not going well at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it was purely because I was being casual and not looking to meet someone that we kissed anyway, so casual seems good.

I think I'll call her tomorrow, it's now pretty late with me and I said I would and say have a son, she's welcome round, and then yeah just respond to any questions.

Oh and, yeah I know for most of the world a kiss is like not even a thing but I guess I'm just not so experienced.
 
Hello nomadphysicist,

I was wondering how things went with the new woman, did you get together again, did you talk about being open, and how did she respond? I don't mean to pry, answer only if you feel so inclined.

Best wishes,
Kevin T.
 
Prying is okay ;)

So, I told her I had to look after my son and she said she'd prefer to go out, so we went out last night (my partner was back then so could be with S)

She asked me in person if I was married, I'm actually not but I answered honestly and casually that I'm in an open relationship with T and let her ask me any questions she wanted. I asked if she found it strange, she did, but clearly was okay with it as we spent the whole evening kissing. Thanks guys for your advice, now I've got a lovely bubble of NRE in me, and my partner felt really compersive when I got back (for her poly is much more natural, I'm getting there).

The only problem is I have to go away for 2 weeks tomorrow, so now I have 3 people to miss.

:)
 
It's awesome that your date turned out so well. Hang in there for the next two weeks! :D
 
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