when I think about the future I get terrified

ontheedge

New member
hi everyone!

I am new to this forum and I have been struggeling with poly-stuff now for quite some time. so I decided, I would share my story with you and ask for your opinion.

my relationship situation: I currently have a boyfriend (let's call him B) with whom I have been poly for about two years now. the relationship started out as poly, since I was in a longterm relationship with someone else at that point, which I opened up to be with B. this longterm relationship of almost 6 years (let's call him L) did not survive the transformation to poly, which was also due to other reasons, but I have to admit that poly had its part in this breakup with L.
B has another girlfriend for about 10 months (let's call her E).

I have been monogamous for almost all my life (I am now in my early 30s) and started out as poly two years ago with B (who is four years younger), when I finally decided that my serial monogamy doesn't make sense to me anymore. I do not fall for people easily but when I do, it almost always comes down to ending the old relationship and starting a new one. I have not been single since I was a teenager, but I sometimes, during my longterm relationships (all of them were 3+ years), have had feelings for other people. situations like that then always came down to one of the two alternatives: forgetting about this new person or ending the old relationship and pursuing a new one.

I became poly to get out of this serial monogamy, to make my longterm relationships even longer, to be committed to someone, even though I have feelings for someone else. poly seemed like the obvious solution to this problem, but it is obviously not that simple.

with B, a lot of stuff is going right, that was sometimes missing in my previous relationships. we connect on so many levels, that I wonder, if I can have feelings like that ever again, not only during this relationship but also if it would end: would I ever be able to find someone with whom things just feel so right? for the last two years, I have had a few very short connections with other people but I don't really feel the need to be with someone else at the moment.

it is different for B. he quite often meets people spontaneously and sometimes this becomes more, but he is never that emotionally attached in the beginning. for me it is quite the opposite. the people I fall for, I usually know months before I even start thinking about them in an emotional/sexual context. I knew B months before I fell for him and it has been like that with all my previous relationships.

during our relationship, B has been sexually involved with a number of people and emotionally involved with some of them too. this has sometimes been easy for me and sometimes hard, depending on a lot of things. but right now I don't know, where I stand anymore. B and I have a non-hirarchical model, but right now this is making me very sad (so sad that I started therapy recently to learn how to cope with my feelings). he has been with E for about 10 months now. in the beginning he was not emotionally involved, but they somehow have grown together and now he is.

and there my problems start: never in my previous relationships has the tought about having children been an issue. but when I first met E, about 9 months ago, she already brought up the subject of her wanting to have kids at some point and that she is not sure about poly and how this will work out. in all of our following meetings, she has always brought up her wanting to have children (though not in the context of "I want to have children with B", but more in a "this is my lifegoal" kind of way). I actually don't know where I stand on children. I imagine I could have children at some point but the thought of not having any also seems alright. I always imagined that this would be something that I would discuss together with my partner in a relationship and then we would come to an understanding on how to proceed.

but now I don't feel like this is possible anymore. I have brought up the subject with B (which is very very strange for me, since I really don't want children at the moment and he is still studying, so he also has no interest in having children right now), but the thought that he could want children with E at some point bothers me to the extent that I am sometimes not sure if I can continue with this relationship, knowing that I would not be able to stand the fact if he had children with someone else.

the thing he has said on this subject so far is: he can imagine having children with E at some point. this makes me go crazy. I can't even stand the thought of him moving in with her. we all live seperate and I could deal with never being able to move in with him if he also would not move in with anyone else he is involved with.

I know that this might sound awfull and possessive to some poly people, wanting to control what future is possible for him and his girlfriend, but I really don't know how to cope with all of this. the thoughts about the future are torturing me 24/7 at the moment. triggered by something that really has little to do with all of this, I have been crying on and off now for the past 5 days.

I don't want to be standing there at some point and either being forced to accept that he moves in with someone else/has children with someone else and be very unhappy (the thought alone makes me physically unwell) or to end the relationship. I want to know that pursuing the relationship with me is more important to him than future plans with E and that he will not force me to either accept their plans or leave me.

I really don't know how to deal with all of this. I can't stop crying. it has been bad in the past, but I have been away for a week now and during this week this problem has grown inside me to an amount, where I can't think about anything else anymore. but let me clarify that B has no concrete plans on having children or moving in with E right now, all of this is at the moment only in my head.

if anyone of you has some wisdom for me how to cope with all of this, please let me know but be sensitive. I have tried to change the way I feel about this, but it is just not possible. I am in this deep dark hole and don't know how to get out by myself.
 
It's not possible now, but it could be in the future. You say Boyfriend is not interested in kids now, but has mentioned that he could possibly be interested in the future. Did the conversation stop there? You expressed yourself very well here. Have you expressed this to him? Sounds like a good conversation to have, not only for your peace of mind, but for determining your future as well.
 
I feel for you. It sounds like you are really unhappy. :(

I'll start by saying that I actually get what you are saying. I feel the same about my partner Nina. I really want kids with her some day (soon, actually), and have always said at the beginning of our transition to an open relationship, that her wanting to have kids with someone else would be a hard line for me. That's not exactly an ultimatum, but it's a clear sign to me that she and I are no longer on the same page re: life goals, and it would be time for me to move on without her if it happens. Perhaps we could transition our relationship to something else, but I would want to be free to move on to find someone who is more compatible with me in terms of wanting a family with me. Logically I know that it's possible for her to want children with me AND another, but I think the likelihood of her meeting someone that I am compatible enough with to even consider sharing a home with is so remote as to be impossible, and I don't want to co-parent with someone who is only around part-time, so for me it's quite clear. Lots of people manage to make such situations work really well, and I think that's amazing, but I know myself well enough to realise that it's just not how I'd want things to be, and it's the one area in my life that I'm not willing to compromise on.

The thing is, I knew all of this when we started. And Nina and I really talked about it. When we spoke of what our ideal open relationship would look like to each of us, we were basically talking about the same thing: a situation where although our hypothetical partners might not be emotionally secondary in our affections, in practical life-entanglement terms, they probably would be. Again, knowing my own limitations, I know I have no desire or energy to sustain multiple life-partnership type relationships. I feel full with the one I have, and so does Nina. Perhaps if we were retired and didn't have busy careers, perhaps if we had already done the parenting thing and our kids had flown the nest, it might be different. But for now, that's where we're at. A hierarchical relationship works for us, and so far, I think we've been lucky in finding people who are either in similar situations, or who are otherwise not looking to form a deeper partnership with either of us. I don't think we've left a trail of broken hearts behind us, or had to legislate our own feelings to make this work.

Anyway, the problem you have now is that perhaps you are realising that the non-hierarchical arrangement you and your partner negotiated in the beginning is no longer what you want. And that even if he agrees to change that mid-flow so to speak, neither of you can do so without hurting his girlfriend in the process. That sucks. You are possibly also afraid that he won't WANT to change things at this point, or if he does, he might prefer to be primary with her and not with you. I don't think those are unrealistic fears to have - they could be well founded. But the thing is, you will never know until you talk to him about this and ask. Right now you are torturing yourself with negative thoughts, poor inferences, and no facts. Until you speak to him, you cannot know his mind.

I understand that it is an especially confusing situation since you cannot even guarantee that you want children with him - you just know that if he has children with his other partner, that will inevitably change your relationship with him in ways that you don't want. I think you need to tell him the truth, about how this makes you feel. In life, we get no guarantees of success. He can't promise to love you forever, or for things to never change, so to some extent you can't expect him to magically make your worries and fears go away. However, if you are completely barking up the wrong tree, then hopefully he can tell you that right away. It sounds like, at the very least, you might have learnt something important about yourself - that you would like a single person to be your life partner - and that will give you the ability to make better decisions for yourself moving forward. You can't force him to be that life partner you want, but if he clearly excludes himself from the role, then you will know it is better for you to move on, no matter how painful it might be.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

let me clarify that B has no concrete plans on having children or moving in with E right now, all of this is at the moment only in my head.

It is not all in your head. It is a possibility you want to assess.

B could want children some day, and if he does, you want to know if it is with you, E, or some yet unknown person. Or maybe he doesn't want any at all, and that also affects your life choices.

You know what? There's nothing wrong with wanting genetic monogamy. People want what they want. Not everyone wants to have kids with several partners -- just 1 partner and that is it.

You could ask B if he is willing to give you genetic monogamy or not. If he doesn't know at this time, you could ask him if he'll know by X time. And if he still doesn't know when the date comes around? Call it a "working no" because it is not a clear cut "yes." Then make your decision. Cannot live in limbo.

You are making yourself sick worrying over this. That's not good. So find out so you can lay your mind to rest. Ask him.

Galagirl
 
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I agree with those who have said that you need to communicate with B, and that you are in a painful process of learning some of your own Truths.

I think that you were content not having to confront these things, and it's been forced on you by circumstance.

But to bring my own perspective into this post, and I know many (most?) people would completely disagree with me... I have found it important not to let any other person have the power to break my happiness. My experiences have shaped me to not believe in permanence. Losing people sucks, but I always expect it to happen at some point. So I parcel out careful corners of my heart without giving the whole thing, and I enjoy my loves today because they could be gone tomorrow. Some believe that this means I cannot experience true love. I believe that this makes me a more whole and happy person, and that love on any level, even without attempts at "forever," is always a true thing.

On that note, my advice would be to give yourself a serious dose of self-care. Get out and see friends if you are extroverted, find a social group to give you some energy. If you are introverted, do things for yourself. Make absolutely sure that your physical needs are being met. Sleep, food, exercise. And do not sit quietly alone and suffer, waiting for someone to come save you from yourself. Don't hesitate to reach out to friends and family for company, for social contact.

Will any of this serve to solve the problem? No. That's what the communication is for. But you have to also turn to yourself to be strong enough to process the situation no matter what is needful in your future course. To be able to think about this without experiencing the dread and anxiety that permeates your post and currently fills your heart. You need to reaffirm that life can be good and your life is a shining valuable thing even outside of the context of this relationship, or ANY relationship.

And frankly, at 30, you need to be considering finding a firm answer for yourself on whether you want to have children or not. In a few years you will reach a point where it is less advisable from a health and genetic standpoint, to reproduce naturally. Should you decide not to have children, which is a completely valid choice to make, then you should seek partners who are on the same page with that, firmly.
 
What does your therapist suggest for this?

To me it sounds like you are learning more about yourself. Maybe a primary/secondary model of poly would be better for you?

Maybe poly or mono isn't the issue for you at all? Maybe you lack experience at dealing with relationships once NRE has worn off and regardless of model, those skills would help you?

Maybe you lack trust in your ability to make decisions about your life?

Maybe you fear not being in control?
 
Reproduction is a huge issue for many people - monogamous and poly folks. It can make or break a relationship. So it is understandable that you are struggling with it.

I agree with others here that you need to talk to your boyfriend directly about your issues, and see what he says. Anxiety over the unknown will be cured then - you'll have an answer!

I think that when in your 30s, your goals with reproduction should definitely be shared early on, so you can opt into a relationship with your eyes wide open.
 
thank you for all of your kind words. I have spoken about these issues with B before, so this is not all new to him, but I feel like I need to adress the problem as a whole and not just bits and pieces. I will think about it some more and then go and talk about the future with him and try to get a clearer picture on what he imagines the future to be like.

thank you all!
 
thank you for all of your kind words. I have spoken about these issues with B before, so this is not all new to him, but I feel like I need to adress the problem as a whole and not just bits and pieces. I will think about it some more and then go and talk about the future with him and try to get a clearer picture on what he imagines the future to be like.

thank you all!

What I'm not seeing here, is the part where you prioritize yourself. It's like, you're wanting to find out where he stands so you've got an idea of what kind of a ride you're in for in the near future if he does this or that...but what about what you see YOUR future being? What about your needs? You're just planning on passively suffering whatever hurt, or going along with whatever path his needs lead to? Because basically the only one of your "needs" that you are seeing right now, is the "need" for things to not change.

Unfortunately, no one will ever be able to give you a relationship with a real promise that things won't change. Change happens.

I would recommend you do a bit of introspecting. Find what rings true and authentic for YOU. Outside of your relationship with the boyfriend. Who are you, without a partner to reflect your image in their eyes? Not, who they want you to be...who are YOU? What do YOU need?

I sacrificed my Self to a relationship for a long time. In the year since that ended, I've been on this revolutionary path of self discovery, and since I found some of my own Truths and started living them and speaking them, my relationships have generally been easier, happier and healthier, and with people who were better choices in the first place. The change is amazing.

And do some writing. It will help you to organize your thoughts. Write, revise, write some more. The thinking and the writing will help you to tell your boyfriend the things you should tell him, and ask him the things you should ask him.
 
You're just planning on passively suffering whatever hurt, or going along with whatever path his needs lead to?

no, that is not what I mean. I know very well what I want, what I can accept and what I can't accept. but I don't know exactly where he stands on all of those things. he listens when I tell him about my fears but until now he himself hasn't said much about all of this.
like tenK said:

In life, we get no guarantees of success. He can't promise to love you forever, or for things to never change, so to some extent you can't expect him to magically make your worries and fears go away. However, if you are completely barking up the wrong tree, then hopefully he can tell you that right away. It sounds like, at the very least, you might have learnt something important about yourself
 
no, that is not what I mean. I know very well what I want, what I can accept and what I can't accept. but I don't know exactly where he stands on all of those things. he listens when I tell him about my fears but until now he himself hasn't said much about all of this.
like tenK said:

Awesome. :) Just making sure you weren't losing yourself in there. I've known a lot of people who had a history of serial monogamy, especially women (I'm one of them) who too easily wind up in unfair relationships with unequal power, being too generous or patient or easygoing, when we need to sometimes stand up for ourselves.

Best of luck in your conversations. I hope that they bring some clarity.
 
Hi ontheedge.

I think you need to be in a relationship with someone who's unwilling to have kids with anyone other than you, and who's unwilling to live with anyone other than you. Not to say someone who does those things with you (necessarily), just someone who doesn't do those things with anyone else.

Of course it is harder to find a partner who's compatible with more restrictions, but it's worth it in the end because it allows you to be happy. If B is the man you're looking for, that's great. If not, let him go so you can start the search for the right man for you.

I hope knowing what to do brings you some relief.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Oh, ontheedge, you say so many right words, but I'm concerned that you're not internalizing them.

For instance, you seem to still be locked in serial monogamy, however much you protest against the concept. Though not your intent, you nevertheless transitioned from L to B.

And your B is off with E plus various flings & friends & FWBs & lovers, & you have... him. Not at all an equitable or balanced relationship.

Without intending it, you've given him a LOT of power to control you emotionally. And IME even people who would never consider seeking that sort of power can easily find themselves acting in a cold, dictatiorial manner -- an ugly facet of human nature.

Now the "baby making" subplot is in play. This certainly looks like a step in the monogamist relationship escalator script: settle down, get real jobs, buy a house, get married (just to keep up appearances, of course), pop out sprogs, scrimp to send 'em all to college, retire, move to Arizona, die.

It doesn't sound as though your self-esteem was particularly robust in the first place. I'd say that is where you need to begin.
 
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