Not Sure What To Title

I'm Sorry

Essentially is the feeling I'm having today for choosing to end my marriage.
Had a meeting with my husband and a lawyer. The primary dispute we keep having is joint physical custody of my daughter. Lawyer was explaning pros and cons of all of it. Near the end of the meeting my husband got dirty and states well our marriage wouldn't be ending if she didn't want and open marriage and proceeds to say "and she claims to be asexual but wants to pursue polyamory." Continues with, I didn't want to air her dirty laundry, but I felt I had to say it to get what I want. Of course that causes the lawyer to say how he'll have to add clauses to our settlement stating that no romantic interests around the child and if we were to go to court, the judges would look at my interest as a moral deficit. Yes, I'm hurt, perplexed, blindsided and feeling sorry for choosing to end my marriage and move on. I'm sleeping on the couch and am ready to move out and be in my own space. But can't move too quickly or else abandonment can be used against me. Just expressing myself. Oh yeah, feeling lonely too. Not hugely interested in a full on relationship, but do wish I had someone to regularly hang out with, hug.
 
Long distance virtual hugs from someone else who IS on the asexual spectrum and pursues polyamory. I don't see how these are polar opposites. It's a great relief to be out from under the pressure of feeling like you have to meet your partners' sexual needs.
 
Essentially is the feeling I'm having today for choosing to end my marriage.
Had a meeting with my husband and a lawyer. The primary dispute we keep having is joint physical custody of my daughter. Lawyer was explaning pros and cons of all of it. Near the end of the meeting my husband got dirty and states well our marriage wouldn't be ending if she didn't want and open marriage and proceeds to say "and she claims to be asexual but wants to pursue polyamory." Continues with, I didn't want to air her dirty laundry, but I felt I had to say it to get what I want. Of course that causes the lawyer to say how he'll have to add clauses to our settlement stating that no romantic interests around the child and if we were to go to court, the judges would look at my interest as a moral deficit. Yes, I'm hurt, perplexed, blindsided and feeling sorry for choosing to end my marriage and move on. I'm sleeping on the couch and am ready to move out and be in my own space. But can't move too quickly or else abandonment can be used against me. Just expressing myself. Oh yeah, feeling lonely too. Not hugely interested in a full on relationship, but do wish I had someone to regularly hang out with, hug.

Excuse me?? EXCUSE ME?? No romantic interests around the child? So does that mean that if he finds a wonderful woman and falls in love with her and they have a stable relationship, maybe she moves in, that your daughter won't be "exposed" to his romantic interest? Moral deficit MY ASS. I think that lawyer needs to be educated. I wish I could be the one to do it.

Poly does not mean bringing home a revolving door of strange men from the local pub. I just...I'm bristling over here, as someone in a similar situation.

I am glad that you're leaving this man.

My ex has hinted that he would try to use my "deviant" BDSM interests and my polyamory against me if I fought him in the divorce. I would like to see him try. I'd show up with bank statements showing his spending on porn sites and personal "toys" and I'd throw every kink he's confided in me right in his face right there in a court room, and his drug habits and gun ownership right in there next to 'em. And unlike me, he actually feels deep, nasty shame over his sexuality. I'm damn proud of mine. Bring it, I say. BRING. IT.

I'd like to be a bigger person than that. But in all honesty, I've bent over backwards to try and be a supportive friend, and it seems he'd prefer we be enemies, so at some point the gloves have to come off, and if he tried to paint me as a bad parent, that would be that point.

You have my deepest sympathies. Please fight. You deserve a good outcome.
 
It sounds like he's now using child custody as a weapon because you are leaving him.

Of course that causes the lawyer to say how he'll have to add clauses to our settlement stating that no romantic interests around the child and if we were to go to court, the judges would look at my interest as a moral deficit.

Remember his lawyer works for him, and their job right now is to get you to back off/accept less/etc to make the barrage stop. Intimidation tactics.

Talk to your own lawyer about these things and keep it moving along. I imagine they have seen that kind of poor behavior before. It makes no sense either -- what are they going to do? Police BOTH of your dating lives to make sure both of you don't bring dates around the child?

I can imagine it is tough, but stay the course, and get the train to the last station.

Get the support you need -- emotional support, legal support, babysitting so you can rest, etc.

Hang in there. I had hoped for different but it sounds like un-coupling from this man (while best for you) is not going to go down with grace or reasonableness. He's going to continue acting out and sulking/pouting/being unreasonable like he seemed to be in the past about other things. Basically having a tantrum. Sigh.

I can totally understand why you would want to leave! That crap gets old!

I'm sorry you deal with this. I hope it is over for you soon and you can be free of him as much as possible.

Galagirl
 
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Long distance virtual hugs from someone else who IS on the asexual spectrum and pursues polyamory. I don't see how these are polar opposites. It's a great relief to be out from under the pressure of feeling like you have to meet your partners' sexual needs.

Thank you Autumn. As time goes on and as I become more and more comfortable in my sexual and romantic orientation, I'm finding comfort in that. Again, thank you.
 
Thanks Spork. It's unfortunate that's what those who misunderstand poly tend to think. That it's about promiscuity, that you as a participant can't make the right decisions as a parent. As a result of him hinting he might get dirty, I have reached out to a couple poly friendly lawyers in my state, just in case. I sent the following text message to him:

I would also like to be informed if you plan on bashing my character to others about one of the reasons I am choosing to part ways. Personally, I do not feel it's necessary for anyone to know that does not understand my sexuality or the reasons for my choices. I am not out and open to many people as asexual not poly and would like to keep it that way until I am allowed to be comfortable in that. It would be nice it if would be respected as an adult decision that I am taking responsibility for and choosing not to you through something you're not interested in, but also choosing to be ok with my life. It would be nice if you respected the fact that I was not going to try and coerce you to do something you didn't want to do. It would be nice if it was respected that I am leaving this mixed orientation marriage where you regularly felt rejected because of our differing views on sex. It would be nice if you saw the positives that I considered when making this choice


Excuse me?? EXCUSE ME?? No romantic interests around the child? So does that mean that if he finds a wonderful woman and falls in love with her and they have a stable relationship, maybe she moves in, that your daughter won't be "exposed" to his romantic interest? Moral deficit MY ASS. I think that lawyer needs to be educated. I wish I could be the one to do it.

Poly does not mean bringing home a revolving door of strange men from the local pub. I just...I'm bristling over here, as someone in a similar situation.

I am glad that you're leaving this man.

My ex has hinted that he would try to use my "deviant" BDSM interests and my polyamory against me if I fought him in the divorce. I would like to see him try. I'd show up with bank statements showing his spending on porn sites and personal "toys" and I'd throw every kink he's confided in me right in his face right there in a court room, and his drug habits and gun ownership right in there next to 'em. And unlike me, he actually feels deep, nasty shame over his sexuality. I'm damn proud of mine. Bring it, I say. BRING. IT.

I'd like to be a bigger person than that. But in all honesty, I've bent over backwards to try and be a supportive friend, and it seems he'd prefer we be enemies, so at some point the gloves have to come off, and if he tried to paint me as a bad parent, that would be that point.

You have my deepest sympathies. Please fight. You deserve a good outcome.
 
Hey Galagirl,

The lawyer we met with was actually a lawyer a brought to the table to mediate a collaborative divorce as my husband and I negotiate. Essentially because I'm filing, the lawyer legal advises and represents me but can give my husband information that's relevant for him to consider as well as I. So I essentially hired this lawyer to as best as possible consider both sides and advise from there. He was doing that. The whole "romantic interest" clause was not in favor of my husband, but according to the lawyer in favor of the child and was essentially based on the lawyers personal moral stance. It's essentially what judges can do as well. I guess I've accepted that because it was never my intention to expose my child to anything that was inappropriate, but law givers and interpreters seem to have some power in trying to make sure it's in writing how you are to govern your lives. :/

It sounds like he's now using child custody as a weapon because you are leaving him.



Remember his lawyer works for him, and their job right now is to get you to back off/accept less/etc to make the barrage stop. Intimidation tactics.

Talk to your own lawyer about these things and keep it moving along. I imagine they have seen that kind of poor behavior before. It makes no sense either -- what are they going to do? Police BOTH of your dating lives to make sure both of you don't bring dates around the child?

I can imagine it is tough, but stay the course, and get the train to the last station.

Get the support you need -- emotional support, legal support, babysitting so you can rest, etc.

Hang in there. I had hoped for different but it sounds like un-coupling from this man (while best for you) is not going to go down with grace or reasonableness. He's going to continue acting out and sulking/pouting/being unreasonable like he seemed to be in the past about other things. Basically having a tantrum. Sigh.

I can totally understand why you would want to leave! That crap gets old!

I'm sorry you deal with this. I hope it is over for you soon and you can be free of him as much as possible.

Galagirl
 
I know you were trying to mediate.

What I meant was if mediation does not work, you may have to take it to court.

You may have to work with your lawyer to anticipate whatever crazy your husband's lawyer may bring out. Schedule an appointment with your lawyer ALONE to talk about that question -- not with husband around. "What if he doesn't want to mediate? What if this has to come to court and he's being all vindictive?"

Find out about the laws where you live. Each place is different. And maybe look into a poly friendly lawyer.

Galagirl
 
So, you explain to the lawyer, "Yeah, I'm asexual, but he's misunderstanding and misinterpreting what polyamory is to me. I want multiple, close non-sexual friendships with people. I'm going through this divorce and will need lots of support and friendship. What's wrong with that? Is there a law against having close friendships in my life? And if I can't have any people who someday, eventually, might become 'romantic interests' near my child, he had better not, either."
 
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So, you explain to the lawyer, "Yeah, I'm asexual, but he's misunderstanding and misinterpreting what polyamory is to me. I want multiple, close non-sexual friendships with people. I'm going through this divorce and will need lots of support and friendship. What's wrong with that? Is there a law against having close friendships in my life? And if I can't have any people who someday, eventually, might become 'romantic interests' near my child, he had better not, either."

Thanks. I proceeded with that, but when you have people who don't understand, they don't. He asked us the last time we had sex and proceeded to tell him, I'm not a highly sexual person anyway. You can just see the confusion in his face. Then my husband proceeds with "but she wants to be polyamorous rant." It's cool though. I'm growing more confident in who I am and what I want. It's a path full of resistance, but continuing to move forward.
 
Good for you. Hold your head up high during this ordeal.
 
Thanks. I proceeded with that, but when you have people who don't understand, they don't. He asked us the last time we had sex and proceeded to tell him, I'm not a highly sexual person anyway. You can just see the confusion in his face. Then my husband proceeds with "but she wants to be polyamorous rant." It's cool though. I'm growing more confident in who I am and what I want. It's a path full of resistance, but continuing to move forward.

Ain't it just funny, how a person would try and paint a polyamorist as being somehow obsessed with sex, despite how you tell them and tell them it is not about that...but they insist, it MUST be. What else could a "relationship" be about??? You know, the fact that they hold this opinion says an awful lot about who exactly is obsessed with sex, if ya ask me...

Look. In the aftermath of a divorce, I have seen women who identify as your typical monogamous, go dating in bars and bringing home men they barely know, whether sexual or not, around their kids. And I've seen kids hurt by this behavior. The issue is that those people aren't KNOWN well enough to be around the kids. At the mild end of what can go wrong, kids need stability and not people coming and going from their lives all the time. What if your kid gets attached to a new person? And poof, it doesn't work out and they're gone. No good. On the extreme end, people who are not well known can bring in toxic influences, violence, or harm, they can steal from you or perpetrate abuse.

The woman who has one failed attempt after another to find a monogamous Mr. Right and exposes her children to each one of them too soon, is just as bad as the poly person who has a revolving door of love interests.

But that isn't what you want. You want real relationships, not a series of flings. Poly does not mean "slutty" as hard as that is for some people to understand, and relationships can and SHOULD be about more than just sex. We're not mindless animals here.

What you need to communicate to lawyer, judge, anyone involved (your ex is bitter and he isn't going to "get it" so don't waste too much time there)...is that despite the fact that your intent and preferences in relationships are unconventional, you can be trusted to exercise the appropriate amount of care and caution in who gets a place in the lives of your children. This has very little to do with sex. You'd have to be a degenerate of the highest order to be conducting wild orgies with your kids around. That isn't the point that needs to be made. The point that DOES need to be made is that you are not looking for partners that are just flings that come and go from your life. You are looking for longterm caring interactions and support from multiple people who will be part of your life for a while, and hopefully have a lot to offer as healthy, positive people in your kids' lives too. And until you are sure that this is what you've found in a potential person, they will NOT be spending time with your kids.

And then after explaining this, you should say something to the effect that you THOUGHT that was common sense and that anyone would do and feel this way, and you can't imagine anyone being expected to go through the rest of their lives alone just because they got divorced and have kids. As an adult, you'd think that the court could have a little bit of trust that you'd have your kids' best interests in the forefront of your mind, as any mother would.

And you would hope that your ex would live by the same standards, if he had one partner or two or twenty. If he gets together with some floozy he barely knows, and lets your kids be exposed to someone who might be harmful, you would have something to say about that. "But I'd like to think that you, as a father, would have more common sense."
 
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