LadyBearhugs
New member
Hi everyone!
This is my first post on the forum. I've seen countless other posts and everyone is so helpful. Was hoping i can get some insight here.
Thanks in advance!
*Names have been changed for privacy as well as for readers to follow the characters more easily instead of using A, B, C.
My name is Jane*.
My Husband (Darren) and I have been together for 8 years. He has a girlfriend (Kate) who has been with him for 1 year+.
My relationship with Kate is ok. We're not close but we have no problems hanging out.
My problem now is the discussion of having kids in the future.
Before Kate, I knew i would want kids with Darren someday if our financials allow it. Was quite looking forward to it actually.
Now, Darren would like both me and Kate to have kids with him. Kate is very eager and willing. Me, not so much.
Now, I've changed my mind and go so far as to say I will never ever have Kids.
I have some concerns and fears about this and i can't seem to handle them.
Now i'm just very depressed and stressed about this topic.
This is a huge decision. I can't yoyo back and forth. I have to be sure i will be ok with my decision whether to have kids or not.
And being sure of this, will help me to figure out whether i should still be in this relationship or not.
I have told Darren that if he wants to have kids with Kate, then i will never be having kids. He got upset, he says he loves me and wants to have this bond with me. We had a debate and he told me to think over this seriously and carefully.
He's worried that i will not be able to take it. He doesn't want me waking up years later with a child and saying "I can't take this life anymore" and walk out.
We both understand that there's another life involved and we are trying to be responsible.
My concerns and fears are:
1) Resource competition - If our funds are low, which baby gets what? It will surely affect the quality of things my baby gets if i have to spilt the funds.
I've always wanted 2 kids. If our financials only allow a total of 2 kids to be had. Kate gets 1, I get 1. Then what about the 2nd kid of my own that i want?
2) Irrational fear of being abandoned - I've read enough posts here to know that being pregnant and having a partner's child means nothing if they decide they don't want to be with you anymore. I am worried even in the case where he does loves me, I would get lesser time with him and in turn my baby gets lesser time with his/her father.
Darren is not superman. I don't expect him to be. I just don't think he can cope and spilt the time and resources fairly all the time.
I want someone who can take care of my baby fully and be there for my baby. Not just popping around when he has the time after taking care of his other family.
3) I get upset knowing that someone else will be having Darren's child. I know it's not rational but i just feel sad. It's a special bond that i don't think i am ready for him to share with someone else. I don't know if i can still stay with Darren if he does have a child with Kate. It would hurt too much.
The thing is, if he had another child from before, I know i would be ok with that and would love that child as my own. I just can't seem to grasp the concept of him having one now that i am already with him.
And in all my irrational thinkings, it doesn't matter if he has a baby with Kate or not, because if it's not with Kate, it might be with someone else years down the road. If i get pregnant after he breaks up with Kate, I still run the risk of him finding another partner and wanting to have a baby with her. By then it would be too late for me. I'd already have a child and i can't rewind time.
Ok i know, sounds totally irrational and something i cannot predict. Seems i am very risk adverse when it comes to this.
Logically, everything has it's risk. I know that. Even if we were in a monogamous relationship, i still can't guarantee that won't happen.
I don't know what to do now. At this point of time, Darren loves me very much and i trust him when he says he will never leave me and will love me forever. I love him alot too and I do want to be with him and spend my life with him.
However, I've also learnt that nothing is forever, it's merely a state of continuity until it stops. He loves me until the day he doesn't.
I want to know how to handle the fear and concerns in a healthy and rational way.
How can i make this work?
I don't want to waste everyone's time. I don't want to just surf through now and then in 3 years time, when it's time for kids, and realise that i can't handle him having a child with Kate and want out, or live my life miserable seeing him have kids with Kate, or just go through with it and have kids and be stressed and depressed all the time worrying about this.
Hope the information above is enough. Let me know if u need more information.
Thanks for helping out!
Love,
Lady Bearhugs
This is my first post on the forum. I've seen countless other posts and everyone is so helpful. Was hoping i can get some insight here.
Thanks in advance!
*Names have been changed for privacy as well as for readers to follow the characters more easily instead of using A, B, C.
My name is Jane*.
My Husband (Darren) and I have been together for 8 years. He has a girlfriend (Kate) who has been with him for 1 year+.
My relationship with Kate is ok. We're not close but we have no problems hanging out.
My problem now is the discussion of having kids in the future.
Before Kate, I knew i would want kids with Darren someday if our financials allow it. Was quite looking forward to it actually.
Now, Darren would like both me and Kate to have kids with him. Kate is very eager and willing. Me, not so much.
Now, I've changed my mind and go so far as to say I will never ever have Kids.
I have some concerns and fears about this and i can't seem to handle them.
Now i'm just very depressed and stressed about this topic.
This is a huge decision. I can't yoyo back and forth. I have to be sure i will be ok with my decision whether to have kids or not.
And being sure of this, will help me to figure out whether i should still be in this relationship or not.
I have told Darren that if he wants to have kids with Kate, then i will never be having kids. He got upset, he says he loves me and wants to have this bond with me. We had a debate and he told me to think over this seriously and carefully.
He's worried that i will not be able to take it. He doesn't want me waking up years later with a child and saying "I can't take this life anymore" and walk out.
We both understand that there's another life involved and we are trying to be responsible.
My concerns and fears are:
1) Resource competition - If our funds are low, which baby gets what? It will surely affect the quality of things my baby gets if i have to spilt the funds.
I've always wanted 2 kids. If our financials only allow a total of 2 kids to be had. Kate gets 1, I get 1. Then what about the 2nd kid of my own that i want?
2) Irrational fear of being abandoned - I've read enough posts here to know that being pregnant and having a partner's child means nothing if they decide they don't want to be with you anymore. I am worried even in the case where he does loves me, I would get lesser time with him and in turn my baby gets lesser time with his/her father.
Darren is not superman. I don't expect him to be. I just don't think he can cope and spilt the time and resources fairly all the time.
I want someone who can take care of my baby fully and be there for my baby. Not just popping around when he has the time after taking care of his other family.
3) I get upset knowing that someone else will be having Darren's child. I know it's not rational but i just feel sad. It's a special bond that i don't think i am ready for him to share with someone else. I don't know if i can still stay with Darren if he does have a child with Kate. It would hurt too much.
The thing is, if he had another child from before, I know i would be ok with that and would love that child as my own. I just can't seem to grasp the concept of him having one now that i am already with him.
And in all my irrational thinkings, it doesn't matter if he has a baby with Kate or not, because if it's not with Kate, it might be with someone else years down the road. If i get pregnant after he breaks up with Kate, I still run the risk of him finding another partner and wanting to have a baby with her. By then it would be too late for me. I'd already have a child and i can't rewind time.
Ok i know, sounds totally irrational and something i cannot predict. Seems i am very risk adverse when it comes to this.
Logically, everything has it's risk. I know that. Even if we were in a monogamous relationship, i still can't guarantee that won't happen.
I don't know what to do now. At this point of time, Darren loves me very much and i trust him when he says he will never leave me and will love me forever. I love him alot too and I do want to be with him and spend my life with him.
However, I've also learnt that nothing is forever, it's merely a state of continuity until it stops. He loves me until the day he doesn't.
I want to know how to handle the fear and concerns in a healthy and rational way.
How can i make this work?
I don't want to waste everyone's time. I don't want to just surf through now and then in 3 years time, when it's time for kids, and realise that i can't handle him having a child with Kate and want out, or live my life miserable seeing him have kids with Kate, or just go through with it and have kids and be stressed and depressed all the time worrying about this.
Hope the information above is enough. Let me know if u need more information.
Thanks for helping out!
Love,
Lady Bearhugs
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