In-House Separation?

beeswing

New member
My husband and I opened our marriage about 5.5 years ago. Currently, I've been seeing a guy regularly for 8 months and he has been seeing a woman for about 3 months. We each also sometimes have additional partners.

For the last few months, my husband and I have had less and less sex. I have tried to initiate many times, but he is rarely interested. He has admitted that he has trouble being interested in sex with me, even though he has no trouble with his girlfriend. He also told me about a month and a half ago that he believes the way I kiss has changed (it hasn't, according to other people who have been kissing me for awhile) and he no longer likes the way I kiss. I continue to want to do things like set aside time to reconnect after dates, but he has no interest in doing so. He has always been emotionally distant, but has become increasingly so.

These issues are making me feel like our relationship is less primary, although he disagrees. I have always wanted to have a hierarchical relationship, and he verbally agrees, but his emotional and physical distance conflict with his words.

We have two children still at home, age 17 (knows we are poly) and 10 (does not know we are poly, and neither of us wants to come out to her yet for a variety of reasons).

I was wondering if anyone here has experienced something similar. Rationally, I think the best answer might be for me to try to withdraw a bit emotionally, get used to the increased separation, and try to accept that we are no longer primary and are in more of a roommates-for-the-kids'-sake situation.

The problem is that that is not what I want, so I am struggling with the idea of separation emotionally. Has anyone been in this position? :confused:
 
Has anyone been in this position? :confused:

I think that most marriages come to this, it's just that the partners typically aren't open about wanting other people. Most people have affairs or suffer in silence and inaction, but what you're describing is extremely common. I think that many poly people would first dismiss this and chalk it up to "NRE" but that may or may not be the case. What you're experiencing is what anyone would experience when her partner has come to greatly prefer another and even though things are out in the open, your feelings are similar to any partner who senses that another is preferred. A poly agreement, even a hierarchical poly agreement, doesn't protect anyone from the power of emotion and feelings that can develop when two people become sexually involved. It seems like many people who are in hierarchical poly agreements are surprised when their "primary" isn't feeling so primary anymore, as if hierarchical poly can inoculate the primary couple from being human. He is really into her and it may be "NRE" or it may be something much more lasting, but your husband surely has a preference.
 
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Hi beeswing,

It seems to me that your husband could put a little more effort into his relationship with you. He is making excuses for his disinterest. (You kiss differently? How so? Can he even describe that?)

An in-house separation isn't what you want, but it's what your husband's already doing. :(

With sympathies,
Kevin T.
 
I was wondering if anyone here has experienced something similar. Rationally, I think the best answer might be for me to try to withdraw a bit emotionally, get used to the increased separation, and try to accept that we are no longer primary and are in more of a roommates-for-the-kids'-sake situation.

Withdrawal is a slippery slope. Once you start where does that end? You still have a young child at home. Fox and I had young children about the same age as your youngest when we started down that slippery slope. It caused them a lot of emotional damage and by the time we realized that the damage was done.

I cannot tell you what the "right" answer is as only you and your husband know that. I think that some really honest, brutally honest, communication is called for in this situation. Are you opening yourself to hurt, yes but the hurt you might experience is nothing compared to the emotional hurt your children will feel.

I also should say that Fox and I had a similar situation happen that involved seven children ages 16 - 12. Unfortunately before we could figure it out the damage was done to the kids.

Have some really open discussion and act accordingly.

I hope nothing but the best for the children, and you and your husband as well.
 
What was the motivation to open your marriage 5 yrs ago....and who was pushing to make that change.?? Could this have been his 5 yr plan.....or is he relatively new to this and it's a response to your dating ?

And how would you describe your marriage then ?

I agree with bluegray that an emotional withdrawal would put this in a death spiral. However at the same time you can't be the only one trying to save the marriage or relationship. A lot of work and effort and in the end you might feel foolish and or stupid.
 
Hi beeswing,

It seems to me that your husband could put a little more effort into his relationship with you. He is making excuses for his disinterest. (You kiss differently? How so? Can he even describe that?)

An in-house separation isn't what you want, but it's what your husband's already doing. :(

With sympathies,
Kevin T.

He claims I use more tongue than I used to. I do not stick my tongue down anyone's throat :rolleyes: but I do little lip-licking things when I kiss that most people like, and which I have always done. I am not sure why his perceptions have changed.
 
What was the motivation to open your marriage 5 yrs ago....and who was pushing to make that change.?? Could this have been his 5 yr plan.....or is he relatively new to this and it's a response to your dating ?

And how would you describe your marriage then ?

I agree with bluegray that an emotional withdrawal would put this in a death spiral. However at the same time you can't be the only one trying to save the marriage or relationship. A lot of work and effort and in the end you might feel foolish and or stupid.

We opened our marriage because he wanted to explore sexually. We started with swinging, but I quickly found that casual sex was not satisfying for me. After a lot of discussion he agreed that I could date on my own in a more polyamorous approach. He later also tired of the casualness of swinging and he started dating individually as well.

I don't think it was part of his five year plan, but I think he has felt a lot of mixed emotions about my dating as well as his own: feeling threatened, angry, and distancing himself from me to deal with unpleasant emotions despite my efforts to maintain/increase closeness and intimacy.

Then since he has been seeing his girlfriend, he has gotten more distant and our intimacy has decreased. I don't know how much of that is his own feelings of guilt/shame about dating (he was raised in a very conservative fundamentalist religion and has residual issues), and how much might be something else.

Update: I let him know a few weeks ago that I will not continue indefinitely to live in a cold, distant, angry, conflictual marriage. He balked at first and we ended up having a huge fight, the worst we've ever had. Lots of extremely ugly things were said, and I am feeling rather uncertain about the future right now. At the moment, though, he seems to be making efforts to improve his distancing behaviors, and I am trying to remain optimistic and open to his efforts.
 
Re (from beeswing):
"He claims I use more tongue than I used to. I do not stick my tongue down anyone's throat :rolleyes: but I do little lip-licking things when I kiss that most people like, and which I have always done. I am not sure why his perceptions have changed."

Sounds to me like he's splitting hairs.

I suspect that jealousy/insecurity are closer to being the real reasons why he's been distancing himself.
 
At the moment, though, he seems to be making efforts to improve his distancing behaviors, and I am trying to remain optimistic and open to his efforts.

I hope you guys are able to improve.

Galagirl
 
Update: I let him know a few weeks ago that I will not continue indefinitely to live in a cold, distant, angry, conflictual marriage. He balked at first and we ended up having a huge fight, the worst we've ever had. Lots of extremely ugly things were said, and I am feeling rather uncertain about the future right now. At the moment, though, he seems to be making efforts to improve his distancing behaviors, and I am trying to remain optimistic and open to his efforts.

Good for you for letting him know. Keep talking to him. When those moments occur where he does something that feels like he's pushing you away, stop and gently point it out to him. People can get into behaviors that become unconscious patterns, and it can only help to bring things to his awareness (and your own). Let him know how his behaviors and words affect you. You are married, you should still matter to each other.
 
So you feel he began distancing himself from you when you (personally) made the switch from casual swinging to polyamory. And once he began dating one on one, he seems to have found a replacement for you.

That is a risk in polyamory, but generally if both partners are honest with themselves and each other, it can be prevented. All parties need to feel their needs are being met, or you're doing a bad job of polying.

Another possibility, or one that could be compounding things, is that your h is polysexual, but mono-romantic, and can only love one partner at a time. I think my ex h had this emotional makeup. We tried polyamory, he fell in love with a woman, fell out of love with me, and after we split, he didn't continue to poly date. He stayed with his one gf, and has been in a couple with her for a long time.

I, on the other hand, was the "true poly." Once I was single I soon found a primary, even though I wasn't looking for one. I just couldn't resist her. She was too perfect for me. But, I continued to pursue other romantic/sexual relationships as well, and still do, 7 years down the road.
 
No. Can you fill me in about that relevance?

War of the Roses is a dark comedy about a couple in which the wife wants a divorce. The husband finds a loophole that allows him to stay in the house so he can attempt to get her to reconsider. Of course that backfires and the arguments, etc, escalate rapidly.

The title of your post reminded me of it.
 
Related question: if a marriage looks like it is headed for divorce, and has been on a pronounced downward trajectory particularly since a certain secondary relationship began, does that secondary partner (or do all secondary partners) have a right to know what is going on?
 
The right? Not sure. I mean, if there are issues that will affect that person, probably a good idea to give a heads-up. But if a couple has private stuff going on and are working on things between each other, they don't owe anyone outside their dyad an explanation or announcement unless they feel the need, and only the information both are comfortable with. I am a believer that each person in a relationship is really only responsible for handling that relationship and not their partner's other relationship.
 
The right? Not sure. I mean, if there are issues that will affect that person, probably a good idea to give a heads-up. But if a couple has private stuff going on and are working on things between each other, they don't owe anyone outside their dyad an explanation or announcement unless they feel the need, and only the information both are comfortable with. I am a believer that each person in a relationship is really only responsible for handling that relationship and not their partner's other relationship.

I feel that if you're in an intimate relationship with someone, that implies emotional intimacy as well as physical. So yeah, why wouldn't you tell a secondary partner about important things in your life? Struggling with your other relationship is something hard you are working on. It's going to affect your emotions and then when you relate to your lover, he is going to pick up on it. Would you not answer him if he asked why you seem down?

My primary struggles with anxiety around many things in her life. I can't help her if I don't know what they are. For example: When we met she was still getting over her former gf. Should she have hidden that from me since it didn't actually involve me?

Another example: My newish OSO's mom has cancer. I can't understand him well if he kept this information from me. It would keep us more as strangers, or even objects, in each others' lives, if he just hid that and acted like everything was fine. I might start to think he disliked something about me, and that is why he seems "off," distant, sad, or angry, or any other tough emotion brought on by his grief.

Now, if you've got something tough you're dealing with, it's up to you how much to share with your newer partner. Hopefully you also have a counselor or supportive friends who you can also vent to, lean on, ask for advice. But if he is one of your circle of friends, and he shares an intimacy with you, why would you keep this important life issue from him?
 
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