Help, please. Denied access to my step-daughter

Eirien

New member
Hello, everyone. I'm having a really tough time and I'd appreciate some thoughts or advice.

Back in March I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. I had previously been in a relationship with his wife also, and we had all lived together for three years, along with their young daughter. I came into their lives when the daughter was 4 years old, and she thinks of me as another parent, and she's been told for years that I'm her family. I love her, and she loves me, and I've done everything I can since the break-up to see her.
I feel like I'm slowly being edged out of her life. The parents took nearly 2 weeks to respond to my last email asking when I could next spend time with their daughter, and the response was basically 'not in the next 2 weeks, we're busy'. I asked when I would be able to see her, and got the response 'we don't know, the summer is busy for us'. I am incredibly upset. I know this child wants to see me - every time I have a couple of hours with her she tells me that she misses me, and she wishes we could have sleep-overs, and asks when she can see me again. And I miss her!

I don't really know how to handle this. I spent an hour on the phone last night crying to my fiancé because I feel like they're going to stop me from seeing her. I have no legal rights in this situation, and as you may have gathered from what's going on I am not on speaking terms with her parents. I feel as though they are being deliberately vindictive, and using their daughter to punish me for ending my relationship with her father, hurting her and I in the process.
My fiancé and I were also planning on asking her to be flower girl at our wedding next summer, along with his two young daughters, and now I feel like that simply isn't going to happen. She's my family, and I don't want to loose her.

Any advice, or suggestions, are very much appreciated.
 
That's really sad :( not really much you can do unfortunately. Just keep occasionally asking but don't be too pushy because that could annoy them. Sounds like this summer is put but try again in the fall
 
This is one of those situations where you really have no power and it is so frustrating and hurtful. Unfortunately families come as a package deal it's very hard to maintain a good relationship with one when others within that family want to separate from you. Think about how hard it is for two ex spouses to share a child. Even more painful is when your children are friends with another family's children and then the friendship or romance ends with the adults in that family and the kids are forced two separate against their will.
 
Hi Eirien,

Sorry to hear about your situation, they are treating you poorly which is bad enough, but then they are treating their own daughter poorly which is plain horrible.

You are completely at their mercy, so the most you can do is contact them now and then and ask permission to see their daughter. But don't be surprised if they say no every time.

In theory you could also schedule a consultation with a lawyer and find out what your options are, but I have a feeling the lawyer will tell you there's no options at all. Maybe if you could prove the parents are abusing the child? I don't know.

Maybe someday polyamorous partners will have access to legal protections such as visiting rights in the event of a breakup. But that day is not today.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
This is just one of the many reasons the Supreme Court decision on Friday was a landmark day for millions. Unless you are a bio parent or are legally married, you have zero rights regarding the children in the family. The laws are set up to protect children and they often do, but the laws don't work in everyone's favor in every situation.
 
I think the most difficult part here is that both (biological) parents are still in the picture. If your boyfriend was divorced, and the biological mother was nowhere to be found, then a case could be made that your continued contact with the daughter would provide her with a much needed role model.

However, since the mother is still there, your position could be considered to be something akin to a 'nanny'. In other words, you were involved in the upbringing of the child, although you were not a biological parent. Quite often a nanny can form a strong bond with a child, simply because of the time that they spent together. It's not uncommon for a nanny to keep in touch with a child, even into adulthood.

Sadly, your options are limited here. What is important is that you not let either of the parents know you are upset or frustrated with them. Alienating the parents is the fastest way to assure you will never see their daughter again.

What I would suggest is that you come at it from a different angle. Instead of asking to spend time with the daughter, why not 'offer' to take care of the daughter for a week during the summer? You could position your offer as a means for them to 'have a summer holiday' and know the child would be taken care of by someone they know and trust. (If you work, you would need to take holidays to pull this off.)

The other option is to think about what the daughter is interested in. Is she involved in Girl Guides? Perhaps volunteer for her troop. Does she take dance lessons? Perhaps ask the parents if they would like you to take care of driving her there and back. (And perhaps you could also volunteer at the dance studio.) Offer to 'take a load off' their shoulders by assuming a 'chore'. What about a babysitter? Offer to babysit should they ever want a night out alone. In the fall, if the daughter is driven to school, perhaps you can volunteer to do that for them. Again, you are 'taking a load off' their shoulders, so it becomes that much more appealing.

In the end, from a psychological perspective, I would say that the key here is NOT to approach this as you wanting something from them. After a breakup, I doubt they will want to do you many favours. Instead, make casual offers (not pushy in any way) wanting to do a favour for THEM. When you do that, the dynamic changes. They are now the recipient of a favour, instead of the one who is doing the favour. Most people are less likely to turn down someone who wants to do them a favour, if that person is asking for nothing in return.

So instead of wanting 'time' with the daughter--which her biological parents are likely not all that keen on right now--shift this into something where you can spend time with the daughter by doing something that benefits the biological parents in some way. Perhaps, if you are able to do this over time, they will become more receptive to you spending time with their daughter on a casual basis.
 
It would be rather insensitive for a mono couple to marry just one year after a major break up. What is the rush?

They are letting you see her, that is a good thing even if you crave whole weekends with her. Since summer holiday is coming up, they might be genuinly busy and unavailable.
 
It would be rather insensitive for a mono couple to marry just one year after a major break up. What is the rush?

They are letting you see her, that is a good thing even if you crave whole weekends with her. Since summer holiday is coming up, they might be genuinly busy and unavailable.

Why is it insensitive to get married a year after a break up? Especially since her ex still has a wife. I got married a year after after an 11 year relationship and I don't feel that it was insensitive.
 
It would be rather insensitive for a mono couple to marry just one year after a major break up. What is the rush?
This makes no sense whatsoever! How is this comment even related to the OP's dilemma?

They are letting you see her, that is a good thing even if you crave whole weekends with her. Since summer holiday is coming up, they might be genuinly busy and unavailable.
It has taken them two weeks to respond to her request and they pretty much told her it won't happen this summer, so where do you see anything about them letting her see the girl? The problem is she is not able to see her!
 
Hi Eirien,
Well, in actuality, you aren't really her step-parent - you were her parents' girlfriend and told you were family, but a step-parent with rights? No, it seems to me you would be seen more as an aunt. While they don't have any obligation to let you see her, hopefully they will.

Many people in the thread advised you to keep asking for time to spend with her, but without bugging them by being pushy. However, I think you should address the subject head-on. If I were you, I'd send an email or letter to them stating, basically:

"I understand if there are some residual hurt and hard feelings after our break-up, and I truly am sorry that things went the way they did, but it feels like you don't want me to see ___ anymore. I hope you both can set aside whatever resentments or negative feelings you might have toward me (if any), so we can still be cordial with each other and I can still be a part of your daughter's life. She means so much to me. After our years of living together as family, she and I have a connection and you know we do love each other. Whenever I've spent some time with her, she has told me she misses me, and that she wishes we could have sleep-overs. She always asks when she can see me again. And I miss her terribly! Please consider letting me see her regularly, and let me know if there are any concerns you have with me doing that. I would rather discuss it than be shut out without knowing why. Thank you for reading this."​

And then the ball is in their court. But -- this may seem harsh, but the reality is that she is young and if they choose not to let you continue to be a part of her life, she will get over it. In future years, she might have a vague and distant memory of you or a memory of something specific, but missing you will fade. So don't think that she will be hurt, harmed, or scarred forever by not seeing you anymore. People come and go in children's lives all the time and they grow and move on.

I think you need to let go of the idea that you are a parent of hers anymore. You can still ask them to let her be your flower girl, but -- they are her parents, and you are not, so it's up to them. Even though you feel like a parent and lived with them as if you were her parent, the fact remains, you were only someone who was involved with them and lived in the same household with her for a time. Sorry, but that's how it is. You need to feel what you are feeling but let go of any thoughts that you are being deprived of something you should be given, because that is just not the case in this situation.
 
Last edited:
In theory you could also schedule a consultation with a lawyer and find out what your options are, but I have a feeling the lawyer will tell you there's no options at all. Maybe if you could prove the parents are abusing the child? I don't know.

Maybe someday polyamorous partners will have access to legal protections such as visiting rights in the event of a breakup. But that day is not today.

I would be horrified if I dated a guy and he then decided that because we had dated, he now had a legal right over my children above and beyond my own legal rights regarding my children. A boyfriend or girlfriend does not have any visitation rights in the event of a break up in a monogamous relationship, either. Why should it be different here?

I understand that it hurts, and feel for you. But this IS still their child.

Kev, is there ANY reason to think these parents are abusing this child? No such thing has been said. To even consider using a false accusation of child abuse in order to get one's way is horrendous.

To the OP, I know it hurts. But you're an ex-girlfriend. They are not obligated to keep you in their lives or in their daughter's life.
 
. . . they are treating their own daughter poorly which is plain horrible.

. . . Maybe if you could prove the parents are abusing the child? I don't know.
Kevin, how are they treating their daughter horribly? Parents have a right to keep a child from seeing anyone they want - that in and of itself doesn't constitute poor treatment or abuse. The OP never said anything about abuse going on.

Kev, is there ANY reason to think these parents are abusing this child? No such thing has been said. To even consider using a false accusation of child abuse in order to get one's way is horrendous.
Yeah, I thought that was a comment way out of left field.
 
I would be horrified if I dated a guy and he then decided that because we had dated, he now had a legal right over my children above and beyond my own legal rights regarding my children. A boyfriend or girlfriend does not have any visitation rights in the event of a break up in a monogamous relationship, either. Why should it be different here?

Pretty much sums up my thoughts on this. When you get down to the root of the issue we're talking about a simple break up and in those situations the ex's don't routinely still have a relationship with the children.
 
I feel as though they are being deliberately vindictive, and using their daughter to punish me for ending my relationship with her father, hurting her and I in the process.

If we heard their side of the story, I'm sure it would be all about how keeping her separate is in her best interest and that they are protecting her, not using her to punish you. Their likely POV is that their daughter should stop seeing you because you're not going to have a relationship with the entire family anymore. Most separated parents deal with this often painful situation and muddle their way through because they have to by law. This couple doesn't have to deal with it at all, so complete severance is by far the more preferable option for them. Again, custody laws are in place to protect children from every non-parent adult who comes in and out of their lives. We really do not want to live in a world in which every ex-lover of every parent has the legal right to indefinitely continue parenting the children of the household.
 
Having just been through court plus kids and I am a biological parent, I would not advise legal route.
One of the factors of mine losing the girls was accidental outing of poly between myself and ex, which he threatened to make contact worse. My experience with court and relationships are they are an absolutely last measure resort and not something to be trifled with.
I am no way devaluing your feelings but many courts and judges are traditional values and work on facts.
Facts are 1) you are not biologically related to the daughter.
2) You are not legally related to daughter (on birth certificate or married to one of the bio parents)
3) any anecdotal evidence will be based on your word against there's, which is automatically two against one.

Those are the unfortunate truths.
Let's also bear in mind your seeking legal advice could be seen as threatening to their family /daughter , which could in turn bring a whole host of issues in and of its self. Such as loss of reputation, division in community of poly, potential gossip through your whole community. Bearing in mind that anyone who hears about the situation will hear the couple vs you.
 
Why is it insensitive to get married a year after a break up? Especially since her ex still has a wife. I got married a year after after an 11 year relationship and I don't feel that it was insensitive.
Ah, but they are planning it only 3 monts after the breakup and want to include the ex's little girl (I agree that it is his girl too, but that is probably not how they see it).
 
This makes no sense whatsoever! How is this comment even related to the OP's dilemma?


It has taken them two weeks to respond to her request and they pretty much told her it won't happen this summer, so where do you see anything about them letting her see the girl? The problem is she is not able to see her!
I am trying to see things from their point of view. If they are like most people, they will feel bad about the breakup and resentful about her obviously moving on to better things. And especially her including the child. Most people here delay marriage for that very reason - to give kids and exes time to adjust.

She obviously sees the girl from time to time since she complains about the visits only lasting a couple of hours. Time will only tell what they will do after holiday ends, but so far it seem they have let her see the child, albeit seldom and not for many hours.
 
I am so sorry. I see this hurts a lot for you. :(

I feel as though they are being deliberately vindictive, and using their daughter to punish me for ending my relationship with her father, hurting her and I in the process.

You seem to be taking it personally.

Could it be they are trying to figure out how to help THE KID before helping you? So the kid gets some relief?

every time I have a couple of hours with her she tells me that she misses me, and she wishes we could have sleep-overs, and asks when she can see me again.

If seeing you again keeps cranking her up again... disturbing school and home routines, nightmares, crying, acting out, etc? I could see why they might prefer to limit the stimulus (visits with you) for now and spread them out. Wait until the child is not so raw before trying to reintroduce long for more frequent visits. Help the 8 year old get past her grief rather than bringing it up over and over like rubbing her nose in it.

Maybe you could ask directly if that is their intent? Or if the intent is to just go no contact? Then you could gain some clarity.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I think seeing you may make the child upset, act out, melt down etc. She maybe throwing temper tantrums after seeing you. Making their lives miserable.

So the parents may be doing what they feel is right to get her behavior under control.

As a parent if I view someone as toxic in my child's life you won't be in it. You are not her parent you were her parents girlfriend.

Yes Murf is in my children's lives. Yes he is important to them. But he respects Butch's place as their biological father. He steps back and plays a supportive role to us as the parents not step on Butch's toes.
 
I think you should address the subject head-on. If I were you, I'd send an email or letter to them
While that is certainly a legitimate option, it should be noted that it carries a much higher risk. If she sends a letter asking to have a continued role in their daughter's life, it risks a flat-out rejection. If they say 'no', then it's over. At present it's not 'no', but is more 'not now'. Leveraging that 'not now' into some kind of contact is something that will take a soft touch. While a 'head on' approach is never a bad thing, it does carry with it the risk that things won't go your way.

I do agree with you though in that the original poster--as much as she has been a positive influence in this girl's life--is not a biological parent, nor was she a legal parent at any point. There is no way to 'force' herself back into this girl's life, by any means--legal or otherwise.

Time heals, and I think it may be better to try and play for the long game.
 
Back
Top