Silence, Music, Mystery and Love. A user's guide to becoming awesome.

Thanks for mentioning all that about the sheets. That's real attractive.

But seriously, thank you for taking care of me.

-R
 
I'm sorry you are feeling so under the weather RC!

To the guys-great job at being a team! :)

Love reading about that stuff!!
 
30 Days

I am nearing the end of a "30 days of gratitude" experiment in which I find something to be genuinely grateful for every day. Today is day 29. This has been an easy exercise. 30 days always goes by faster than you think it will and there's much to be thankful for in my life. It's also been humbling to see it inspire others to do the same. So I'm going to keep going. Everyday. Finding gratitude.

But I'm going to take it a step further. Yesterday I sat down on a nice cushion that RC made in the middle of the living room floor, set a timer for 15 minutes and meditated. This has always been a challenge for me; to sit quietly with myself and stay focused on one thing. My thoughts are sometimes rampant gorillas with sledge hammers intent on taking me to task. But I sat with them. Let them run around and when ever a hammer fell I would return my attention to my breath. I began to concentrate on feeling my body from the inside. Starting with the very top of my head and moving where ever I felt needed attention. As my focus shifted from place to place I could physically feel my cells reacting to my attention. The timer went off and I went about my evening feeling relaxed and calm, not judging the quality of the experience at all.

I will repeat this exercise for the next 30 days and keep a log of it.
 
Yay!
 
This is my progress.

And I make it (semi) public because declarations are powerful. I keep a lot of things private for the same reason.

To the end of becoming awesome (read: to become as free a doer as I am a thinker), I have embarked on my current journey. This includes a regimen of physical fitness, gratitude, meditation, meaningful music and self examination. But that is only one facet of the journey. That part makes me strong enough to accomplish the real work. The work of building a family.

Family is the most important thing I can imagine. A collection of souls intent on experiencing this life together. Family remains when all else falls away. Family does not judge, because it can not judge. It sustains itself by its members supporting each other as well as themselves.

For a family to thrive, there must be sacrifice, but sacrifice alone is not enough. Not by a long shot. There must also be joy, mutual growth, trust, companionship, vulnerability, equality, compassion, understanding... the list is immense. But suffice it to say, if any member gives of themselves for too long without ensuring that they are filled back up with all the beauty that family brings, there with be disharmony.

I am committed to making my family thrive and nurturing it's harmony. There is no work I will not gladly dive into to reach that goal. I have accomplished much recently. I have also faltered. Joy and Pain. Love and Fear. I feel it all. And I am grateful for being allowed to share this with my family.

Protect me. Cherish me. Call on me. I have no choice but to love you.
 
Suffering and Death - By Jin Dwyer

Jim was a friend of mine many years ago. He, too, is a force of nature.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

They hand you a nag full of broken glass and they say
"This is your life. Put it back together motherfucker."

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

Oh No!
Everyone's a robot.
Oh No!
These vegetables have a hidden agenda.
Oh No!
Once you hit that Lucky Strike even once,
You're never the same again.

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

Lying in the sunlight the blind yellow dog sniffs, twitches, lifts his head.
He knows I'm around here somewhere.
His body, like mine, remembers everything.
His body, like mine, attracts flies.

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

Oh No!
The first time I tasted a woman's come,
I thought I discovered the source of the Nile.

My tongue realized it had a secret identity,
My bones finally understood that they were in fact connected to each other And my blood started singing "Gloria! G-L-O-R-I-A Gloria!"

And then I started thinking...

Hmm. I wonder what else they lied to me about?

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

At the bus stop it's Tuesday
And trust me, aint no one around here praying for transcendence.

At the bus stop the needs are more basic, more naked...
A ride
A drink
A couple bucks
A look
A touch
"Don't fucking do that."
"Hey, what time is it?"
"Hey, please... listen to my stories... please... please... listen to my lies."

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

The little girl next door has drawn a blue chalk giant on the sidewalk.
It's got purple devil horns, it's wearing a green cape, it's holding a wild red guitar that really does look like an axe.
"Who's that?" I ask.
"I'm not sure. Mommy says it looks like Dad, but I don't care what she says. I like him anyway."

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

That line about everyone's a robot... I was wrong.

Everyone's free to do whatever they choose.

Oh No!
I've never had my nuts caressed by Courtney Love and it looks like now it's not going to happen

And once...

Dick and I were wandering around in New York City and somehow we wound up at the spot where John Lennon was shot and killed.
John
Was
Gone
But the city rolled on

Suffering and death
Suffering and death
Suffering and death

My neighborhood isn't safe.
It's full of cops.
My neighborhood isn't safe.
It's full of culture.
My neighborhood isn't safe.
It's full of poets.
My neighborhood isn't safe.
It's full of neighbors.

It's full of flesh
And blood
And bone
And rubber
And metal
And plastic
And garbage
And gardens
And fences
And alleys
And curses
And perfect nonsense
And pictured windows
And shattered glass
Everywhere
Shattered glass
Everywhere

Go ahead, pick it up, fit it together
Make something whole and perfect from it if you must.

But I say it's better to let it lie there

I say see if you can love it that way

See if you can love what is broken and beyond repair.
 
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When this journey began, I saw it a something new and wild. Living on the fringe. Bravely going where precious few have ever dared. And in a way, I was right. This world we live in has been constructed over the last few centuries as a patriarchal, monogamous, male dominated mess, fraught with possession and fear of losing those possessions. So in that regard, this way of life is as fringy as it gets. But in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing new. It is, in fact, a return to a more natural way. There was a time in human evolution when families were more than a man, a woman, their parents, children and siblings. There was a time when there was no such thing as an individual possession. It was more practical to share everything, so as not to burden one back with more than it could bear. There was a time when your family was your tribe. Your village. Your clan.

Imagine if that were the case today. Oh. Right. You are. ;)
 
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Cultivating awesomeness

I have learned a few things on this journey that have made it possible for me to open myself to the experience of love without boundaries. That is, being in love with my love while she loves another and he loves me and we all three love loving. Whew. That's a lot of love.

But I digress.

First on the list, Compassion. It's a gift. We give it to those we care for by empathizing with what they are experiencing and loving them through the rough parts. "Rarechild is having a really rough day. Damn it. I love her sooooo much. What can I do to help?" That's compassion. Get some.

But that part is easy. Having compassion for someone you love is part in parcel to loving them. Having compassion for yourself... now that's another matter. To stand outside yourself, witness what you are experiencing from the perspective of a loving friend and say "Damn it. I'm having a really rough day. I love myself sooooo much. What can I do to help?" That, my friends, will change your life.

Second... Judgement. It's impossible to avoid. Try as we may, it happens and there's nothing you can do to quell it's existence in this life. It will happen even to those who are the most accepting and worldly among us. But that's no big deal. It's how you act on that judgement that really matters. So, again. Turn that shit around on yourself. When you can recognize the moments when you are judging YOURSELF, you are on the precipice of awesomeness. It's a trap. you see. When you pick up that cigarette and you know it's going to make you cough and stink and die sooner, that's bad enough. But to then say "I'm such an idiot. Why the hell do I do this stupid thing that I know is wrong. I must be a fucking fool." That does nothing more than fuel the fire that drives you to smoke in the first place.

Third, and most importantly... acceptance. When I first began to ponder this idea on a grand scale, I thought it meant just what it says... accepting all the things I don't want to accept. Not so. It's more about learning that what you don't accept, you avoid. That doesn't make it go away. In fact, it gives it power by allowing it to fester unattended. Find what hurts, what is uncomfortable, what stings, what burns... and then pay attention to it. Employ tactics one and two, then accept that it is there, and will remain. That's part of the human condition. Shit that hurts is painful. But it doesn't have to ruin what's beautiful.

*steps off soapbox*

Awesomeness sequence: initiated.
 
J

So I met someone. I met her online and... I know, I know... whatever. She's pretty awesome. Of the dozen or so people I have contacted or been contacted by, she is by far the most real connection I've made. We've exchanged countless emails telling of ourselves and reveling in the similarities of our souls. Yes, I said souls.

Here's how it went down... I googled "Sex positive [funny named midwestern town]" and the top result was an OKC profile. I clicked the link and found a really awesome person. And as we all know... I'm into awesomeness. She was poly, pansexual, gave lectures about being sex positive and there she was, loving in my hometown. So I set up a profile and sent her a message. I was definitely hoping she would reply and maybe we could meet, but really I just wanted to start a dialog with her. I wanted to glean some information and make a connection.

I haven't heard back from her. Go figure.

But there I was on OKC. And there were other poly people there, at the ready. Some looking for this. Some looking for that. So I began browsing and eventually started sending messages. Who knows? Right? Worst case scenario... no one gets back to me. Best case... I actually connect with a like minded person.

So about two weeks in, I meet a lovely woman who we'll call the scientist. She's pretty cool, in a poly relationship and there's plenty of attraction. We chat a bit and she asks if she can come out to see the band. RC was absolutely awesome about this and we briefly met said scientist in a crowded little bar while I was tied up playing music all night. It was strange to have her watching me from the crowd, but also exciting. And that RC was there and in support of it was an amazing feeling. She had some friends there who knew the score to talk to about it and Charlie supporting by text. It was a decent first meeting, though I wish I could have had more than a five minute conversation with her in between sets. We've subsequently gone on a couple dates and are developing as friends.

Then about three weeks in I found J. And woa, man. When I read her profile I was astonished at what I was looking at. The content fit the bill of OKCs... oh... I don't know... compatibility algorythms(?), but that's not what caught me. Yes, she had a lot of the same interests as me, but more than that, she was speaking with an intelligent, open-minded compassion. An honest wisdom. She was no flash in the pan.

So I messaged her.

In no time flat we were exchanging dozens of emails and really getting into each other. We playfully poured our lives out in beautiful letters one after another. Flirting. Fantasizing. Twirling language and stories of ourselves around in a tornado of openness and acceptance. It's been heavenly. To be so desired from such a distance and to genuinely desire her in kind. She is a sweet, gentle, passionate soul, full of curiosity and wonder for love.

As this began to unfold, I kept it to myself. The innocence at first, the getting-to-know-you stuff, seemed like nothing big enough to bother RC about, especially with the load of school work and work work she's been dealing with... on top of dealing with the scientist... and caring for her relationships with myself and Charlie. It was just emails, after all.

Then RC left for a weekend with Charlie. That weekend was a flurry of communication with J. We started to talk about spirituality and recognized the depth of one another. We talked about music, our families, our hopes and dreams. After we talked on the phone, I started to feel something deeper than just having connected with someone. I was starting to have feelings for someone I had/have never met. Which is a first, to be sure.

So when RC called me the next day (incidentally I had gone for a walk with the scientist that day as well), I told her I had met someone. She was light-hearted and fine with it. This was getting good. We continued with our flurry of emails and I was feeling such joy at the whole thing. I looked forward to each word like a gift from a friend.

By the time RC came home, I was chomping at the bit to share what I was going through, but somehow hesitant. Somehow ill at ease once she got in the car with me. I am absolutely horrible at hiding emotion and she picked up on it immediately. The thing is, she was struggling too. And wanting to share that with me. I'll let her make her own struggles public if she likes, but the moment was a bit tense. We eventually got around to talking things out and I told her of the depth of connection I felt I had made with J. She was mostly taken by the pace of things, and understandably so. I was/am too. It had been just over a week since first contact at this point.

Our conversations about it over the last couple days have been strained. Mostly because I feel trapped between wanting to let this new connection flourish at whatever pace feels good and holding RC's heart gently, not going beyond what she's comfortable with. What, for a moment, felt lively, free and full of wondrous possibility, now seems weighted.

So I pulled back a little. I told her today that I have to take a moment to take care of my family. Which is fine. But I think I've made it heavier than it needs to be. She replied with a heart felt message saying that she could feel the difficulty I am having and that she is pulling back as well, but still there and ready when I am.

RC tells me that I have this pattern. I get a taste of success and I run headlong into it, full bore, until I hit a wall. And I get it. I see that I do that. But I'm still sorting out the why. I do not want that to happen here. J is definitely a kindred soul and someone I want very much to have a spirited relationship with. I want to tread lightly with her. Make it good.

If you read this far. You are awesome.
 
Wow!

Hey, there's nothing wrong with slowing down. I would say not to get too caught up in analyzing stuff a lot. Rather, just pay attention, like you have been, to what needs to be done and said, and be present with what is. Enjoy the here and now. And breathe.

It all sounds great!
 
Quitting

shitfuckquitmotherfuckingsmokingfuck!

I'm an alarmist sometimes. So when I freak out, which takes some doing, I really freak out. I suppose there are those who would consider my particular brand of freaking out fairly tame, but it sure doesn't feel that way.

I quit smoking on Monday. RC and Charlie promptly quit as well. We are all really good at smoking cigarettes and we look really fucking sexy doing it, but we have somehow managed to put them down. For good, I think. Images be damned.

I, personally, have been a giant mess of raw nerves. I think quitting at the end of a long weekend with Charlie here wasn't the best idea, but I set my date and did it regardless. Oddly enough, it hasn't been the craving for a smoke that has made me crazy. It's been jealousy. Fresh heaping mounds of the stuff. I have honestly felt like I was back at square one.

Things get better everyday though. And we are certainly doing this together.
 
Wow, good luck with that. I had to do it slllllowly. I got down to one a day on the way home from work and then got pregnant. That was it for me. I can't do anything cold turkey. It makes me good at poly though I think because I build into things rather than do things right away. It doesn't make me all that good at on line friendships though because people don't get that it takes time for me.

Still the jealousy thing huh? I feel for you... What about the other thing? Last time we spoke on the phone is cost me $50 in long distance! Grrrr. My fault, I don't have many local minutes and didn't realize my calling card would be local. Have to figure stuff like that out. Anyway, chatting via email works, but isn't instant... Still I'm always up for it. *hugs* :)
 
Congrats on quitting.

I'm not wholly surprised to hear that the jealousy hit simultaneously. Everytime that Maca has tried to quit, the possessiveness and jealousy has reared it's head hard. :(

I commend you for struggling through it. :)

Keep up the great work!
 
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