Why and how did you get into poly?

What type of poly origin did you have?

  • I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy

    Votes: 41 12.5%
  • I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before

    Votes: 119 36.2%
  • I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle

    Votes: 50 15.2%
  • I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me

    Votes: 42 12.8%
  • Other

    Votes: 77 23.4%

  • Total voters
    329
In high school I always felt multi-crushes, intense ones. I had relationships with several boys that were close. We did not know what else to call it so we put it in the "sister-brother" bucket but I remember the most intense one so was not brotherly in MY mind. Neither were the others. But... at that age you go with what feels safest in your public persona. Actually a lot of people just assumed I was dating one of the guys -- it was me and 3 other boys who were all friends together. And I would have dated them all at once if I could have! Sometimes someone would be brave enough to ask "So what's UP with you and X, Y, and Z? Are you going out with one of them?" and I'd just smile and shrug and say "Nah. We're good friends."

We all dated others and danced around it -- me never formally dating ANY of the three I most wanted to date. I don't think I could have had a "V" in high school though much less a 3 man quad! But I did have a few of those non-date dates with 2 of them -- dances, and movies, and whatnot.

The strongest, oldest crush in that trio of boys did not confess his own feelings to me until much later when we were in colleges miles apart and it no longer was an emotional threat. He had the strongest pull for me of the trio even though I cared for them all. It was sweet, but a "damn! what could have been?" moment when he told me he would have been open to it.

In college I had the start of my "V" -- that's where it ended up at after I played the field a bit. Closing down to me as the hinge of an MFM "V" structure for a few years. It was sweet. One (my future DH) did not see anyone else. The other side, my ex OSO did and I totally encouraged him because he had the hardest leg with it being LDR. I told him to find a local Sweetie and not limit himself. I did not expect exclusive. For me it just naturally fell that way. I didn't want more than the 2, DH didn't want more than the one though he could exercise the option, and ex OSO kinda HAD to exercise the option or endure a very lonely existance in LDR with me. One year, it changed to both of them being LDR to me and at that time I wondered if I wanted to exercise my option to see a local sweetie third... but I didn't. My plate was full enough as it was.

At the time I was still ignorant about vocab. I did not even know the world "polyamory!" I just knew I wanted to live and love how I wanted to live and love and nobody was going to stop me. And I was going to do it up front, honest, and ethically. As best as I could with nothing but my instinct to help me -- resources for me were nonexistant.

Then I was married and moving toward thinking of having a kid by the time the first edition of "Ethical Slut" rolled around. I was amused that it came too late for me. I was out of the dating pool!

I've been in a closed polyship of 2 with DH for 16 yrs and we've been together almost 20. He was one of my college "V" arms. We're not at a place where we'd consider Opening again. Too much on our plates with kidcare, eldercare for aging parents, etc. But we talk a lot, and he knows how I'm wired and he loves me how I am and I love him as he is. So we're happy.

If it comes to fly another polyship one more time... I think we'd be fine. It's been done before. I'm the polyamorous person and he's wired for monoamorous-but-polyfriendly.

So my intro to poly? I'm not sure. It's always been kinda... there. It's just been learning to roll with it and own it and live it.

GG
 
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Hey Amnesiac

I may be in the same boat. I know I have had commitment phobia, and it seems to keep coming up after a few months (or sooner). I also have a general anxiety disorder according to my shrink. It seems in my experience I hadn't found the right type of person who could understand my anxiety. I am with a truly amazing mono guy now who is not threatened at all by my desire to be with other people.
It is good to find the root of your relationship phobia. For me it was partly the fear that the person might not be the right one, partly because I felt incapable of breaking up with anyone (fear of hurting anyone) and particularly the guy I was with whom I really care about and could never stand hurting (I still love him but I had to break up with him for the final reason which he could not accept:) also because I am pretty sure I am poly.

Having successfully broken up with him and had a GOOD breakup (really the best as far as breakups go, we are good friends who hang out and joke a lot), realising I have the strength to make my own decisions and am not with someone who will not fully meet my emotional needs and yet will not let me find that elsewhere, and realising that I now have the freedom to be poly (all in my current relationship) has gone a long way towards alleviating my commitment phobia.

If you find out what is causing your anxiety it will help a lot. Being able to relax and not overthink or freak out, and not condemn yourself for your feelings definitely helps with clear thinking. Honesty and openness is very good provided it is a healthy relationship (healthy as in not one where the other person is very manipulative or an emotional abuser) and assertiveness is a must: deciding what you are willing to compromise on and what you cannot under any circumstances compromise on. (For me my poly-orientation as nobody can tell me who I may love.).
Commitment phobia really can be treated. I'm pretty sure it's related to anxiety. Some good therapy and learning what structures you particularly need to put in place to feel in control really makes a difference (eg reserving the right to take some "space" or being sure that you are free to do what makes you feel secure that you are not losing your identity, or whatever your personal factors are).

I am sure with the right focus, confidence in yourself and the right support structures or necessary counselling you really can get through your commitment phobia. And you don't have to justify being poly even if you do see it as a result of your commitment phobia. You have the right to be who you are.
 
Suddenly Realizing You're Poly - how did you cope?

Realizing I'm poly is still new to me, and I'm a little unsure how to deal with it appropriately as of yet.

I really don't understand how I could have fallen in love with another man while being VERY happily married to another. The two relationships are very different, and I would love to keep both. So far, it's working out okay, but I seem to be my own worst enemy inside my head.

My Primary says he's okay with this, so why am I feeling guilty whenever I spent time alone with my BF? Ideally, I enjoy the times when we're all three together the best, but my Primary has asked for this weekend "off" so he can adjust better (more slowly). I never wanted to be in the position to have to split my time between the two, so I hope this is only temporary.

I'm wondering how other people adjusted to the sudden realization (if it was) of being poly? How did you come to terms with falling in love with a second person while still being in love with the first? Was it difficult or easy for you? Did you seek poly counseling, or do it on your own?

Thanks!
 
Hm :)

You sound like me. Totally ^.^ That's what my start into poly looked like. My/our journey is documented on here if you care to have a look (see signature). Most of your questions were part of my first post on here and are discussed in my blog.

I would advise you to listen to the needs of your partners. You can't mix them up completely and have them only spend time with you and the other all the time. It's important to take care of each couple relationship as well. Don't press them to be in a constellation when they are telling you that they are uncomfortable. Don't rush things. Take your time. Everyone needs lots of time to adjust to this new factor in your life. Talk and communicate about positive and negative factors, emotions, needs. It's important that everyone is able to voice how he/she is feeling and what they need to be comfortable with everything.

All the best to you.
 
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I'm wondering how other people adjusted to the sudden realization (if it was) of being poly? How did you come to terms with falling in love with a second person while still being in love with the first? Was it difficult or easy for you? Did you seek poly counseling, or do it on your own?

Thanks!

I think there's ongoing discussion as to whether poly is something you ARE or something you DO.

My personal belief is that anyone is capable of falling in love with two or more people at the same time, given the right two or more coming along. I also expect it varies, with some people falling in love more frequently and quickly overall. I spent my early marriage 20 to 25 years ago being very much in love with my husband yet having a massive infatuation with someone else. I do wish I'd realized at the time that it was quite normal, that it happened to many people. I could have dealt with it more easily instead of feeling guilt. (I never acted on it, btw.)

At the same time, I feel that defining myself as BEING poly would in a sense chip away at my free choice in life, because we live in a world that gives us the message that if we are such and such, we can only be happy and fulfilled if we act on that, and in fact that we have a right and almost a responsibility, to pursue that. I, personally, don't believe that. I believe I can be in love with someone and choose, based on all the criteria, not just my feelings, whether to act on that or not.

I think--I hope--that answers, "how other people adjusted to the sudden realization (if it was) of being poly?" In short: I believe I'm capable of falling in love with multiple people. Yet I don't define myself as poly. I see it as perfectly normal, run of the mill, common to the human experience.
 
Somewhat like WhatHappened, I see myself as capable of being poly, in that I can be in love with more than one person without my feelings diminishing. I recognize that not everyone is capable of this. Falling in love with TGIB, however, was a surprise. I certainly never planned or looked for multiple loving relationships (beyond FWBs), and if either of my current relationships were to end I don't know that I'd ever be in a polyamorous relationship again. We did not do poly counseling, but worked through it ourselves. Luckily I have an amazing husband who is very open-minded and can wrap his head around people being the way they are even if he is not that way himself. Our situation is also different because TGIB is long-distance. The few times a year we get to see each other in person, it's understood that I will spend more of my time with him (though I make sure not to neglect MC completely). The rest of the time I rarely have to choose, since I can hang out online with TGIB while MC is at work. When I do have to choose, though, I agree it's difficult. There's always a little bit of guilt, but I try to remind myself that they both have lives outside of time spent with me, and that though they each have to deal with time I spend with the other, they also both then get time and attention devoted just to them. It's all comes down to balance, and making sure everyone (including YOU) gets the together time AND the alone time they need. And remember that it's not ALL on you as the hinge to keep everyone happy. They are just as responsible for asking for what they want or need, and you have every right to ask for your own wants and needs from them (sometimes the arms of a V get a pass from the hinge because "they're being so great about sharing me". this seems particularly common when one or both of the arms have no other partners besides the hinge).
 
I just had to reply, I was so stunned to see this subject line in the list of 'new posts,' because this is the topic of my local poly meet tomorrow! :)

I think perhaps my realization was not all that sudden. I read Stranger In A Strange Land (Heinlein) when I was very young (10?). It was extremely important to my parents, that book. Mostly my dad. Just a small part of that is multiple loving relationships, but it is presented as the most ordinary thing ever. Or at least that was my impression. I didn't know anything about intimate relationships, save what I saw in my folks. (which is another post)

I was a little surprised, my senior year in high school, to discover I was attracted to women (I'd been 'boy crazy' since I was five). I read some articles about gays in the papers, and I was all 'women are an option? srsly?' :D

Just a few years after that, a woman tried to start something with me, while she knew I was living with my girlfriend. Eventually, I found out she had been trying to start something with my girlfriend as well. We attempted, for like one minute, something like a triad. GF and I had zero reference or experience of knowledge of anyone else doing such a thing. Lots of girl drama ensued. My issues were with being excluded. I'm not sure what their issues were. (this was thirty years ago!)

Being bi, I did dream that a couple might be the perfect thing, but I wasn't going to hunt for it. Once, while leaving a bar (at closing) a couple propositioned me, and it was so slimy, it put me off severely. I always figured that if it happened, it would be organic.

And then it was. My story is also in my blog, but I guess it doesn't pertain much to your question.

Although, I will say, I have not felt the need to seek counseling for the poly. I have been in and out of one sort of therapy or another for most of my life. I'm lots better for it. I have therapy to work on myself, or even on what I bring to relationship. But I don't feel specifically weird for the poly aspect.

I also go with the definition of poly (for me) as I'm capable of being in love with more than one. Just like bi is I'm capable of loving men and women, but bi doesn't mean I require both. So far, I haven't required more than one partner; but that might be changing. My current partner is an extreme introvert, and I suspect I might seek out another. Too early to tell.
 
Realizing I'm poly is still new to me, and I'm a little unsure how to deal with it appropriately as of yet.

I really don't understand how I could have fallen in love with another man while being VERY happily married to another. The two relationships are very different, and I would love to keep both. So far, it's working out okay, but I seem to be my own worst enemy inside my head.
Sounds like pretty standard stuff to start with.

I had similar problems with hardcore cognitive dissonance once I came to the realization that I was poly. Its counter to all your prior programming and that programming doesnt go without a fight. Which led to stuff like...

My Primary says he's okay with this, so why am I feeling guilty whenever I spent time alone with my BF?
Because you still have unconscious reactions and ideas leftover from your time in the mono world. I've identified as poly for three years now and been in a poly relationship for over a year and STILL have problems with this. Poly breaks some hardcore social norms which are beaten into our heads from a very young age and we tend to not want to resist those norms.

I'm wondering how other people adjusted to the sudden realization (if it was) of being poly? How did you come to terms with falling in love with a second person while still being in love with the first? Was it difficult or easy for you? Did you seek poly counseling, or do it on your own?
It was kind of an apple moment, I was just sitting there one day thinking about an ex and wondering why this woman kept popping up in my head. After a while I concluded that I still had very strong feelings for her and even still loved her. At the time I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman and was very happy with no complaints.

It hit me that I loved two people at once which set off all sorts of alarm bells and prompted me to do some further reading where I hit upon the world of polyamory. Very much a homecoming sort of feeling, like I'd been wearing clothes that didnt fit and suddenly just changed into a pair of sweatpants. After that it just seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

I did not handle the introduction of the idea into that relationship very well, in retrospect. Though we did give it a shot. I was talking to a friend when I found out and she was probably the second or third person I told, she responded when I told her that I thought I was poly with, "Fucking duh! I could have told you that!" >.<
 
Nice to Know

Thanks for posting. :) It's nice to know that others know what I'm talking about!

My hubby-primary is now going through bouts of jealousy, but he's doing okay. I'm going VERY slow. My BF is also sensitive to my husband's needs right now. It was a rough couple of days, but he seems to understand that jealousy is based in insecurity. It doesn't make it all that much easier for him, but he's also seeing a counselor next week for some help with this.

I can't help wishing I wasn't able to love anyone but my husband, as it was for 17 years of happy marriage. I'm not sure what happened, but for those who are spiritually aware, you should get a kick out of the fact that all this happened on December 21, 2012. :confused:
 
It's been too long for me to remember what it was like in details. I knew it very young, there were not as many resources handy, there was no Internet. I just stuck to my ethics and winged it.

I really don't understand how I could have fallen in love with another man while being VERY happily married to another. The two relationships are very different

Because each one brings out and touches different parts of you because they ARE different. And because love is a pleasant feeling that arises when you are close to someone. What's there to understand? Spend time together sharing vulnerable intimacies (of the mind, body, heart and/or soul) and you grow feelings of trust and affections for your sharing partner there. Do not spend the time sharing -- the feelings fade.

My Primary says he's okay with this, so why am I feeling guilty whenever I spent time alone with my BF?

Are you neglecting your DH? Is DH in the habit of being truthful or in the habit of being a "say it is ok but really not ok" type person? What causes you not to trust/believe his words when he says he is ok? Does his actions/body language say different? Something in your own head making clouds?

Just accept you DO feel guilty. Then investigate what is poking you -- a perceived reality (which could be false) or an actuality (which could need attention.)

Ideally, I enjoy the times when we're all three together the best, but my Primary has asked for this weekend "off" so he can adjust better (more slowly).

That is reasonable. Do you understand your polymath tiers in this polyship configuration? Each mini relationship inside the bigger polyship needs TLC and it's own time. Even his "me relating to myself alone time."

I never wanted to be in the position to have to split my time between the two, so I hope this is only temporary.

Welcome to reality: There is 24 hours in a day. You now have 2 partners. There's THREE people wants, needs, and limits to take into consideration now. You have increased your commitments. You will not always be able to meet all commitments simultaneously. Some will have to come in turn. Could learn to be ok with that.

While sometimes they are willing to share time in trio to move the polymath tier of

(You + DH + BF) <-- the team working together in harmonious polyship​

along?

You still have to TLC all the other mini tiers that your name appears in. They have to tend to their tiers. Each mini rship must be ok for the larger polyship to fly ok. Because yuck in any tier will be felt across other tiers. Serolynne does a nice polymath article. I take it out exra layers to include self care and break up possibilities but it is the same idea.

I write it out sometimes for people. Here is a 3 people polyship. It doesn't matter they are in a triad shape thing and you are in a "V" shape thing. 3 people is 3 people worth of polymath tiers. And since you seem to worry about preventing/handling problems, that one talks about coping with "the elephant in the room" too. Could think about how your polyship will handle elephants.

I'm wondering how other people adjusted to the sudden realization (if it was) of being polyamorous?

I was always crushing/falling in love with many. It was "my normal" in my inner world. My realization was dating people who did NOT experience the world this way and coming to realize that they experience the world otherwise. And may not be ok/secure with hearing about my internal world news. It caused insecure, and baffled me because my COMMITMENT was to them and shown in my behavior toward them.

Sun is sun. Rain is rain. Emotion is emotion. Internal weather can just blow on through. My reporting internal weather is not my BEHAVIOR. My reporting internal weather is sharing vulnerable and trying to cultivate emotional intimacy with the partner I am with.

Isn't that what one DOES to cultivate trust, love and all that? Turn to partner with your vulnerable stuff?

So yeah... that was a weird realization for me then. That not everyone is prepared to deal in emotional intimacy the same way as me, and that there could be degrees and types of intimacy.

How did you come to terms with falling in love with a second person while still being in love with the first? Was it difficult or easy for you? Did you seek poly counseling, or do it on your own?

You are not clear to me. I think you could mean a two part thing there.

A) "How do you come to terms with the realization you have the capacity to love more than one?"

I just love them. I did not see loving as a problem. Mere loving someone doesn't mean I have to act on it or pursue or cultivate by spending more time with them, asking them if they want to try to grow something beyond friendship or beyond initial love stages. I am ok just enjoying them from a distance and keeping it to myself.

B) "How do you come to terms with BEING IN a multipartner relationship? The HOW of doing it successfully so everyone's wants, needs, and limits are respected and met ok?"

My serious relationships have been long haul and good. My break ups have been ultimately parting on decent terms -- even consider the grief process for break ups all go through. Can't ask for more than that. One of my friends tells me I'm a boundary queen and wishes she could learn that from me. I laugh because sometimes sometimes other people tell me I have too high a personal standard.

I think all people have a personal standard -- you develop what serves you best, and if you stick to that and actually take the time to calibrate with your polyship people so ALL people are on the same page when creating a SHARED standard? Rather than just assume everyone is on the same page and trip on that later?

Then you could improve your odds of not having as many crazy shenanigans heaped on your head when polyshipping. Life happens, stuff comes along that people cannot control or help.

But reducing the stuff that comes along because of lack of communication/preparation (stuff one COULD help and deal with if making the time to calibrate) ... it just makes the flying together a lot more pleasant!

Recognizing personal limitations is a valuable thing -- knowing yourself and what you are NOT capable of is as valuable as knowing what you ARE capable of. Pitch it toward the happy medium, and Life is lived in a way that is mostly ok, most of the time for you. Whether or not you chose to be in a polyship at the time.


I can't help wishing I wasn't able to love anyone but my husband, as it was for 17 years of happy marriage.

I do not understand this. It the marriage not happy any more? :confused: If you do not want to be with anyone but him, why are you in a polyship?

You ability to love more than one, is not a horrible thing. You chose to act on it and enter polyship. So did your polyship people. I assume all entered prepared to pay the price of admission, right?

So why are you sounding like you do not want your polyamorous capacity? Or do not want your polyship? I am confused. :confused:

Your relating/coping/management skills in being in a polyship consisting of more than one? It's sounding pretty normal. You grow the skills as you go.

You get general knowledge in reading or similar. You get experience in doing and that is how confidence is grown. By doing. Reading the recipe for how to bake bread is not actually baking the bread. And it could take a few stabs at it with the same recipe before you can produce a yummy loaf consistantly. Sometimes the first few come out wonky.

So... why lament that you are not skilled ALREADY in something you have not attempted before? Is that what you are doing here? I am not sure. :confused:

Both your DH and BF sounds like they are accepting the price of admission here -- sorting through their own jealousy/weird as the "new normal" BECOMES normal. It's going to feel odd in the transition time for all. That IS normal.

Is it that you are not comfortable witnessing their discomfort as they do their own growing things? Growth happens out there on the edge of the comfort zone.

Where is problem that causes this purple wish thing above? :confused:

You will be ok. Hang in there in the learning curve for whatever is is your polyship wants to be. Try to keep it real.

Could reading more resources together help in the polyshipping journey?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Where did you discover the concept of polyamory?

I'm curious, because I see so many different and interesting stories, and I like to look for themes.

As a teenager reading Heinlein I always thought the group marriages sounded like so much fun, that I thought it would be cool to have one in a very abstract way. As an adult once I figured out how much work it was to maintain one successful relationship, the idea seemed much more difficult to obtain. The fact that Kinsey has always been one of my favorite movies also probably helped me to think that poly is something that is not that "out there".

I'd had one open relationship early in my 20's, he was also a Heinlein fan and I think he knew that we were both poly kind of people, but I didn't really analyze it too much.

When I met my husband in my late 20's, it seemed like a no-brainer since he was gay before he met me and I didn't want him to be unhappy with never having the possibility of being with a man again, or not having the possibility of finding love with another man. And the idea of being open to finding another partner just seemed to fit us as a couple.

So I'm curious, what are other people's stories about how you adjusted to the theory of polyamory, and how you came to believe it was the right choice for you? Was it guided by a partner? Was it a burning need to love more than one person? Was it an ideal that you ended up fulfilling or a person in particular (say a third or quad) that brought you to it? Which comes first, chicken and egg style, the theory or the practice? What made it seem like the right and practical choice for you (and your partner)?
 
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I first read Stranger In A Strange Land when I was very young. I think, now, that my parents, at least my dad, viewed it as a bit of primer for how life should be. [I recently found out about their attempt at a triad/vee/whatever. Mind-blowing. I knew the woman when I was a child, I had no idea what the adults were up to.]

My theory is that because I was so young, I had no idea it was odd. My life was already a grand series of odd, so I didn't really notice odd. Marry extra people? Surewhynot.

At twelve, I got to see the Harrad Experiment movie. Probably read the book after (though I don't recall exactly). When I got to senior year in high school, the discovery that I liked girls was the biggest news. I must have entertained notions of 'one of each,' though I don't specifically remember thinking that. First college boy I dated turned out to be bi, and I had a scrumptious morning once, when we both woke up and watched his roommate crush a can (from bed) across (three feet?) from us, and we both shivered with delight. I guess that would have been my first moment of compersion.

A few years later, a crazy woman tried to seduce my girlfriend and I, unbeknownst to each of us. When we found out, we told her to beat it; but she was not easily dissuaded. For a minute, we attempted to be three. We had a lovely makeout session one evening on the couch, and then they got up to go to the bedroom. 'what about me?' 'you can wait out here.' I DON'T THINK SO TIM. So that was over.

Twenty years later (10 years ago) I met my CBF, and you can find the rest of the story in my blog (I'm not averse to typing it a gazillion times, I'm just tired at the moment) ;)

Both of them said to me, more than once, that they didn't think they could do this with anyone but us. They were very good friends and much closer to each other than they were to me, in some ways.

I don't think it's so much of a burning need for me. I tend to fall for quiet, often cranky, introverts. I am quiet, but an extravert. I can be happier with more than one ~ I have a lot to give, and spreading it around seems to ease the burden on any one person to receive it.

It's much more potential for me. It's a possibility, rather than a mandate.
 
Ever since I was a child, I knew that monogamy was not for me. Growing up, I always assumed that meant I would simply never get married, because who wants to be with just one person for the whole rest of your life? Blech.

I always knew about non-monogamy as an abstract concept, all that "free love" stuff from the 60s. I'd heard that some people lived in communes and rejected traditional marriage. I just didn't realize that there were "normal" people who agreed that monogamy wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

The best way to answer your question is that I never discovered the "concept" of polyamory, only the fact that there's a word for it and that I wasn't the first person to come up with the idea.
 
It really wasn't any one thing in particular. Concepts just started stacking up until I stumbled across the term one day. I looked up what it meant and then it hit like a bike lock to the face; holy fuck, this is me! It resonated so strongly that I knew in my heart of hearts THIS was me, THIS is how I want to live, THIS is what I need to be happy in a relationship.

I was told later by several friends that once they knew what poly was, they could have told me years ago that I was poly.

Monogamy to me was always the norm, it was what you did, it was the only way to live, the only way to love. I didn't think about any other ways of being because I didn't really have any other ideas to contrast it with. I always felt...confined somehow, muted, dimmed, constrained with the idea of monogamy but I could never articulate exactly why. When the idea of polyamory came along, I just exploded outwards and I felt more like myself than I think I ever have in my whole life.

A very strong sense of homecoming and personal realization, not that I didn't fight it tooth and nail to begin with. It was such a left-field thing that I thought it must have been an abberation, a defect, a fault in the programming that had to be found and eliminated. I spent several months trying to force myself to think more "normally" even going so far as to dip into "repairative therapy" bullshit and trying to use some of their principals. After four or five months of making myself depressed and stoking the fires of self-loathing, I sat down and decided that I was not faulty nor was I in need of help.

This was who I was. It was inconvenient as hell (I was engaged to be married at the time to a VERY mono woman) and caused no end of problems but this wasn't going away and rather than try to make myself miserable trying to fit a demographic I clearly wasn't, I said to hell with it and set fire to pretty much everything around me. An extremely difficult period but one of the most worthwhile personal decisions I've ever made and I dont regret a second of it.

I even bought this little poly heart pendant and wore it everywhere. I used to be somewhat irritated by people who did shit like that; if you're happy with who you are, cool, but do you really need to put it around your neck or on your shirt? Wearing that was kind of like planting the flag; THIS is who I really was, it was a "fuck you" to the years of not knowing, the years of feeling uncomfortable and trapped.

Man, that was an essay. I must be more stressed than I thought.
 
So I'm curious, what are other people's stories about how you adjusted to the theory of polyamory, and how you came to believe it was the right choice for you?

It's just how I'm wired. I love hard. I love many. I felt that way before the word became an "official dictionary word" somewhere in the mid 90's.

Was it guided by a partner?

Nope. Just me. I knew me.

Was it a burning need to love more than one person?

Nope. I knew I had the capacity. I felt no burning need to love more than one at a time though. Just because I am capable does not mean I have to resources to polyship well. (Ex: enough time, enough space, enough energy, enough desire) What I wanted in college is different than I want now. Even in the same poly person, the wants and needs and limits can change over time.

Was it an ideal that you ended up fulfilling or a person in particular (say a third or quad) that brought you to it?

Does not apply? :confused: I don't think I understand the question. (Forgive me... I feel tired tonight and am not taking it all in well right now.)

Which comes first, chicken and egg style, the theory or the practice? What made it seem like the right and practical choice for you (and your partner)?


I am answering as a person. On the "global" level there is NOTHING new under the sun for humankind. Multipartner arrangements have been had before even if the word "polyamory" was not used at the time. I am delighted that the Internet and authors have created more poly resources closer to hand for those who are questioning or seeking. Makes things so much easier for people.

So for me it is neither. This isn't "poly theory" to me. This isn't "poly practice" to me. This is internal wiring -- just me being just me.

I grew up observing different relationship models -- monogamous marriages, cheating affairs, living together but not married. Living with grandparent generation in the home also. Living only with the parents and kids. Lots of living arrangements.

I slowly came into awareness that hey! I also knew several people who were concubines/second wives or children of concubines/second wives and how those households were set up and run. To me as a kid hide and seek at those houses was... hide and seek. It took me a while to notice the set up there was different than the set up in my home. Nobody made a big deal about it. So it was not a big deal to me. I grew up with "This is our house. That's other people's houses. Be respectful when at other people's houses."

So growing up I just figured that when I grew up... if I found willing partner(s) that I'd form my own model(s) with them in collaboration. We would make our agreements and stick with them as our personal relationship standard. You make your own house rules and it's your own house, right? ;)

These relationships would grow and suit my wants, needs and limits at different ages and stages of my life. So I have done that and continue to do so.
It's not a big deal to me to just live my life as I see fit. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one. ;)

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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I assumed in high school that I would never get married, but I assumed I'd be a serial monogamist (not that I knew that term at the time!), ending one relationship when I got interested in the next person like I had been doing so far.

I read Heinlein in my 20's, but by that point I'd already met MC and established various non-monogamy boundaries (again, didn't know the terms. I just knew I wasn't going to tolerate jealous behavior and I knew I was a flirt). And to me, Heinlein was just another fiction story. I didn't really read it as a, "Hey, this is how it COULD be!" kind of thing. I was still trying to wrap my head around wanting to be with ONE person for the rest of my life (MC), let alone more than one, but I suppose it did help plant the possibility in my mind.

It wasn't until my 30's that my cyber-flirting with TGIB turned into something more and we decided to start using the terms boyfriend and girlfriend. Even then, it was another year or so until I learned the word "polyamory" and found this forum.
 
I honestly had never thought of it much previously. I always was attracted to multiple people when I was younger but didn't know that it was something that could possibly happen so while I would flirt with them if I was in a relationship I never let it go any further than silly flirting.

Then I had a boyfriend who was cheating on me. When I found out I got pissed and broke up with him. Later, after that was done, I realized it wasn't the other person that made me pissed off it was the lying.

Once joining Ren Faire I met people who were in poly and/or open relationships and I realized that was a possibility. So when I started having feelings for people other than Woodsmith I told him about it and now we are here.
 
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