sparklepop
New member
Hello everyone!!!
I used to post here regularly, and it's been quite a while!! I'm hoping that you are all doing fantastically well, both new and old members!
Just a brief bit of background, and then an update and question! <3
I was in a poly V for six years. It was long-distance - me in the UK, her in the US. Highly toxic. It finally ended in mid-January. I'll call my ex "former partner" (FP).
The issue I'm having is my stepchild (Baby). Without legal rights to her, I'm basically at the whim and preference of FP. My wish is to do the absolute best thing I can do for Baby.
I was told I could remain in Baby's life and have weekly video calls with her until I could afford to fly out to visit. This has been messy, and after some recent rage episodes, FP is now pulling the "MY rules / MY child / MY way or the highway" card that I knew all along would be coming.
Every interaction with her leaves me feeling disgusted, shocked, abused, and just ughh... I don't want this toxicity in my orbit any more.
In short, I now have to agree to a set of rules, otherwise I can no longer be in Baby's life. And I have to sit and reassure FP and prove myself to her, while she puts me on trial. I have expressed to her that I don't appreciate any of this. Her response was, "You don't GET to have a voice in this. I get to make the decisions, and I'm giving you a privilege, not a right. People get put on trial when they are divorcing, so go and tell someone who cares."
Really, truly, just delightful.
Anyway, one of the rules is that I can't introduce her to my new partner (Moon). Potentially any future partner, for that matter. Reason being that FP finds me to have "poor decision-making", and she labels Moon as toxic due to some issues from last year, when Moon and I first got involved.
Moon is not toxic. She's a truly beautiful, kind, loving person. And I have numerous issues with agreeing to this rule. Logistically (I would be relying on Moon to drive me the 4 hours to visit Baby), emotionally (I would feel like I was dishonouring Moon), and psychologically (I would feel like I am submitting to FP, which triggers abuse feelings).
Overall, I feel like I have to choose between abandoning my child and abandoning myself by putting up with a lifetime of toxic interactions that will never end.
But because I'm in it, and not objective, I'm worried that my perception is clouded. My concern is Baby, so objective opinions would be immensely helpful.
Any advice you could give?
I used to post here regularly, and it's been quite a while!! I'm hoping that you are all doing fantastically well, both new and old members!
Just a brief bit of background, and then an update and question! <3
I was in a poly V for six years. It was long-distance - me in the UK, her in the US. Highly toxic. It finally ended in mid-January. I'll call my ex "former partner" (FP).
The issue I'm having is my stepchild (Baby). Without legal rights to her, I'm basically at the whim and preference of FP. My wish is to do the absolute best thing I can do for Baby.
I was told I could remain in Baby's life and have weekly video calls with her until I could afford to fly out to visit. This has been messy, and after some recent rage episodes, FP is now pulling the "MY rules / MY child / MY way or the highway" card that I knew all along would be coming.
Every interaction with her leaves me feeling disgusted, shocked, abused, and just ughh... I don't want this toxicity in my orbit any more.
In short, I now have to agree to a set of rules, otherwise I can no longer be in Baby's life. And I have to sit and reassure FP and prove myself to her, while she puts me on trial. I have expressed to her that I don't appreciate any of this. Her response was, "You don't GET to have a voice in this. I get to make the decisions, and I'm giving you a privilege, not a right. People get put on trial when they are divorcing, so go and tell someone who cares."
Really, truly, just delightful.
Anyway, one of the rules is that I can't introduce her to my new partner (Moon). Potentially any future partner, for that matter. Reason being that FP finds me to have "poor decision-making", and she labels Moon as toxic due to some issues from last year, when Moon and I first got involved.
Moon is not toxic. She's a truly beautiful, kind, loving person. And I have numerous issues with agreeing to this rule. Logistically (I would be relying on Moon to drive me the 4 hours to visit Baby), emotionally (I would feel like I was dishonouring Moon), and psychologically (I would feel like I am submitting to FP, which triggers abuse feelings).
Overall, I feel like I have to choose between abandoning my child and abandoning myself by putting up with a lifetime of toxic interactions that will never end.
But because I'm in it, and not objective, I'm worried that my perception is clouded. My concern is Baby, so objective opinions would be immensely helpful.
Any advice you could give?