Is it OK to ask my partner to request that metamour not interrupt our time together?

What did you decide to ask him?

  • To ask him if he is willing to ask his other GF "Could you be willing to not call or text when I am out with scarlettzinnia unless it is an emergency? I will call you to check in to say goodnight."
  • To ask him if he's willing to be more diligent about turning down/off the cel phone volume?
  • To ask him if he's willing to not have it on noisy tables if it vibrates when he's with you because it bugs your sleep?
  • A combo of the above? Something else?

Galagirl
 
Interesting question. My situation was a little different. My wife was also in love with my girlfriend so we went need everything as a trio when we were together. We avoided having separate lovers after losing our friends to an arrangement like that. Too much drama and trying to please everyone for us. We like no drama and as little stress as possible in our lives.

When our girlfriend got married we did not have to say anything. Her husband never called her unless it was an emergency or problem with her son. What she did instead was call her cuckold at the end of each day to discuss the mundane things of every marriage, her son and letting her husband know she was OK.

We never had the need to discuss rules. We all just practiced common curtesy. I think what you ask is very reasonable. I know that when I was with my girlfriend I did not want to think about her husband and vice versa.
 
Not that it probably matters so late in the thread, but I'm with YouAreHere on this one. The text itself coming in shouldn't be an issue—it's how he chooses to deal with it. In my relationships, we place zero boundaries on incoming communications, but we do use respectful behavior when responding (these aren't "agreements" either; they are just the normal respectful behavior that just kind of fell into place naturally):

- A phone call is so rare that if one comes in, it means that something very important or very time-sensitive is happening; always OK to answer

- A text or instant message (FB or otherwise) is a perfectly reasonable incoming communication at any time

- Obviously don't check a text in the middle of sex or a serious conversation

- Check to see who it was but don't answer a text from OSOs for the most part when hanging out together and actually in each other's presence

- Answer texts from OSOs while one of you is in the bathroom or runs into the store or whatever

- If it's an important or timely issue, or if you're on a long-ass trip with a SO where you don't get much alone time to communicate with your OSOs, feel free to excuse yourself to conduct your communication for a chunk of time partway through the trip. People do MISS other people when they are apart, and touching base is important.

I expect to be in daily contact with my most serious boyfriend, even if it's just a message or two. And the less serious ones...the communication comes in infrequently enough that it is almost rude NOT to answer it within the space of a few hours. And we've been totally fine with each other contacting others in those little stolen moments. I fully expect him to be texting his other partners from the bathroom or while I'm in the bathroom—I don't need to be the uninterrupted focus of his attention while we're not even in the same room.

I think it's fine for you to be frustrated with him for forgetting to shut the ringer off, but not with her for texting in the first place. It might just be an "I miss you" because she misses him, which is totally acceptable in my book.
 
Hi Galagirl. I am actually leaning towards option number 1. I know some on here think that is a bad idea, but I actually want to see if she is willing to respect my time with him as I have always done for her. If she kicks up a fuss, to him, then let him see who she really is. My theory is that even the most dedicated white knights get tired of drama eventually. :)

I have a question for just you relating to all this, I will PM you if that is OK.
 
Sure, you can PM.

Glad to hear you decided what to ask. Sounds like you got what you needed out of the thread.

I hope when you ask him he's willing to do that and and it works out for you.

Galagirl
 
Wow you really don't like her. Maybe poly isn't for you if you talk said nasty about your metamores. The is absolutely nothing wrong with being upset about being told not to communicate with your partner because they are with their other girl friend. Perhaps instead of your boyfriend looking at her as being unreasonable for being upset he'll look at you as being petty and unreasonable for making that request. I certainly hope he tells you no because I think you are being very petty and ugly toward her.
 
Hi Galagirl. I am actually leaning towards option number 1. I know some on here think that is a bad idea, but I actually want to see if she is willing to respect my time with him as I have always done for her. If she kicks up a fuss, to him, then let him see who she really is. My theory is that even the most dedicated white knights get tired of drama eventually. :)

I have a question for just you relating to all this, I will PM you if that is OK.

And if he doesn't think she needs to not text him just because he's spending time with you? What if he likes hearing from people he isn't with on the days he isn't (as in wouldn't mind hearing from you when he's with her)? If that's the case you are blaming her for what he wants.

Even so, he's the one that you have issues with. If you don't want him to communicate with her when he's with you make that more clear. Not try to force her to change her behaviors.
 
We each have to make choices on our own to manage our relationships. However, I would think long and hard about making a choice that relies on a third party's behavior to get to my desired end result. You cannot predict said outcome and it sets up a really entangled dynamic in a polyship.
On the other hand, it could help her see how her behavior affects others.

But if it's a matter of waiting to see her fail at keeping boundaries and she has bad boundaries, you don't need to set a trap. That's just bad form. If she routinely bleeds across boundaries and you think he'll get sick of it, just be patient.
 
. . . I would think long and hard about making a choice that relies on a third party's behavior to get to my desired end result. You cannot predict said outcome and it sets up a really entangled dynamic in a polyship.
Very wise words.

But if it's a matter of waiting to see her fail at keeping boundaries and she has bad boundaries, you don't need to set a trap. That's just bad form.
Yes, VERY bad form and reeks of trying to control his other relationship, which is none of your business. Just take care of your own without trying to slip her up or prove to him how fucked-up you think she is. People will hang themselves with their own rope, you don't need to provide it for them. That just makes you look bad - and believe me, your bf will see through the surface of any kind of manipulations or tantrums you are having, and will get a clear picture of your agenda.

Again, you need to stop focusing so much on her.
 
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