RainLevity
New member
Hi. I'm new here. We are new to this & are working out whether it's going to work as well in practice as we hope it does in theory. I just posted an intro thread, so here's the long story. Sorry for the book (that's my style).
My husband & I have been married (nearly) 20 years, and are the strongest, happiest, most stable couple we know. Seriously. Our friends all actually tell us we are the couple they look up to. And they're right- we have it all. But we both kinda want more. Not that we aren't satisfied with one another- we totally are, and could stay as we are. And if changing things will screw up what we have (in a bad way), we won't do it. Because it's great. The sex is great, the relationship is great. We are really happy together. But part of the reason we're happy together is that we are truly open & honest with one another- about our desires, our needs, our fantasies. And we are both willing to learn & grow & explore together.
Our first introduction to poly was through erotic novels many years ago, actually. I got into a kick of reading erotica, and found a few that featured polyamory that really turned me on. I showed them to hubby, who agreed that they were hot. And so we started a little fantasy about it. Sometimes the stories were bi, and sometimes not, but it built until we started talking about the idea & looking into what poly was, how it worked IRL, what the issues were, etc. The idea of actual polyamory seems right to us both (not just for the sex). Additionally, we both realized that we're bisexual. And years later, we're still interested in the poly idea- maybe even the practice, but we're taking it REALLY slowly.
I'm a person who researches incessantly. Like, really. I have a doctorate, and am thinking of going back for a second- I like research that much. So, naturally, I have been researching the hell out of this idea. I see the pitfalls, and the benefits. Instinctively, I really think that given my 'druthers, this is how I'd like to live- with more than one person to make my village & fill the needs that arise. However, we're raising 3 beautiful kids, and it's a really big gamble to bring strangers into our lives at all, and it just seems too unlikely that it could be worth the substantial risk to seek this out (right now). I'm not willing to risk my kids at all, and I'm not interested in the idea of "dating" anyone new.
So, we put this idea on the back burner & just pretty much used it as fantasy material the last few years. Fast forward. Now we've moved to Europe, and we have these friends who live here near(ish) us. We went to college with the husband, and they are childless (intentionally). In the States, these friends had some swinger parties with a group of people (it was a large, but closed group). We were busy having babies at the time, and weren't involved at all.
Now, however, we are considering trying to go down some kind of poly road with these people. They are our best friends. It's rather long & complicated, but the wife has become close with my hubby (they're very much alike, personality-wise), and the husband has been his bestie forever, & I have some similarities with them both & consider them both my best friends. The wife (let's call her Shell) is decidedly bi. The husband (call him Ivan) is bi-curious. My husband (Tom) is bi-curous, and I recently came to the conclusion I'm bi when Shell & I had a wild, fun night together, not long after a little icebreaker with the 4 of us playing "drunk truth or dare" in our basement.
So, here's the thing- Tom & I spend a lot of time talking about things. We talk about the "what ifs" of every scenario we can dream up. We also discuss what we'd like to happen, what we'd be able to live with happening, as well as where we'd each draw the line. Ultimately, we'd LIKE it if this relationship went down a truly polyamory road that led to co-habitation, and a pretty equal quad relationship. I'm good with any sexual scenario I can think of, and so is Tom. We both feel like we have compersion (what a great word) about the whole thing, but not having actually experienced much more than the FF thing, it's just speculation at this point.
These people are our best friends- and we all came to Europe basically together, and have been through significant shit together, being each other's confidants. While our marriage is rock solid, theirs is somewhat wobbly. Ivan cheated during the time between Shell moving here & him finding his own way over. She knows about the infidelity, and they're working through it. But they both have abandonment issues and some insecurities, though they do seem to both be really good with the idea of at least swinging with us & we are all really close in pretty much every way. They both have some sexual needs that aren't being fully met currently, too, which may play into this. I think we might start things off by just doing a "friends only" or closed-group swing with them, and then see what happens.
As we discuss it, we are questioning if it's a good idea to even go there with them due to their relationship instabilities. However, I keep going back to the possibility that we might be the stability they each need to feel comfortable/secure and happy. Am I deluding myself? I know that Shell has some emotional needs related to stability that Ivan isn't meeting, partly because of his own attachment issues- and I feel like I could maybe help meet those needs, and Tom, too. Then Ivan would be somewhat off the hook for bearing the whole thing alone. Is this overly optimistic on my part? Shell & I have talked about the possibility of Ivan & I hooking up to fulfill some of his sexual needs- and she seems cool with the idea. I know that without actually knowing us all, it's impossible to say. I'm just hoping some people with a bit more experience can chime in & give us some advice or share their experiences. I have spent significant time researching (lurking) here & reading everything I can find that might be anything like our situation. Honestly, nobody seems to have started out quite as rock stable as Tom & I are. Are there others? Anybody have experience starting a quad with best friends that worked out (or didn't & there's something to learn from it)? I'd love to learn more & hear others' POV and ideas!
And if you read that entire, long-ass thing, thanks! I tend to be long-winded.
My husband & I have been married (nearly) 20 years, and are the strongest, happiest, most stable couple we know. Seriously. Our friends all actually tell us we are the couple they look up to. And they're right- we have it all. But we both kinda want more. Not that we aren't satisfied with one another- we totally are, and could stay as we are. And if changing things will screw up what we have (in a bad way), we won't do it. Because it's great. The sex is great, the relationship is great. We are really happy together. But part of the reason we're happy together is that we are truly open & honest with one another- about our desires, our needs, our fantasies. And we are both willing to learn & grow & explore together.
Our first introduction to poly was through erotic novels many years ago, actually. I got into a kick of reading erotica, and found a few that featured polyamory that really turned me on. I showed them to hubby, who agreed that they were hot. And so we started a little fantasy about it. Sometimes the stories were bi, and sometimes not, but it built until we started talking about the idea & looking into what poly was, how it worked IRL, what the issues were, etc. The idea of actual polyamory seems right to us both (not just for the sex). Additionally, we both realized that we're bisexual. And years later, we're still interested in the poly idea- maybe even the practice, but we're taking it REALLY slowly.
I'm a person who researches incessantly. Like, really. I have a doctorate, and am thinking of going back for a second- I like research that much. So, naturally, I have been researching the hell out of this idea. I see the pitfalls, and the benefits. Instinctively, I really think that given my 'druthers, this is how I'd like to live- with more than one person to make my village & fill the needs that arise. However, we're raising 3 beautiful kids, and it's a really big gamble to bring strangers into our lives at all, and it just seems too unlikely that it could be worth the substantial risk to seek this out (right now). I'm not willing to risk my kids at all, and I'm not interested in the idea of "dating" anyone new.
So, we put this idea on the back burner & just pretty much used it as fantasy material the last few years. Fast forward. Now we've moved to Europe, and we have these friends who live here near(ish) us. We went to college with the husband, and they are childless (intentionally). In the States, these friends had some swinger parties with a group of people (it was a large, but closed group). We were busy having babies at the time, and weren't involved at all.
Now, however, we are considering trying to go down some kind of poly road with these people. They are our best friends. It's rather long & complicated, but the wife has become close with my hubby (they're very much alike, personality-wise), and the husband has been his bestie forever, & I have some similarities with them both & consider them both my best friends. The wife (let's call her Shell) is decidedly bi. The husband (call him Ivan) is bi-curious. My husband (Tom) is bi-curous, and I recently came to the conclusion I'm bi when Shell & I had a wild, fun night together, not long after a little icebreaker with the 4 of us playing "drunk truth or dare" in our basement.
So, here's the thing- Tom & I spend a lot of time talking about things. We talk about the "what ifs" of every scenario we can dream up. We also discuss what we'd like to happen, what we'd be able to live with happening, as well as where we'd each draw the line. Ultimately, we'd LIKE it if this relationship went down a truly polyamory road that led to co-habitation, and a pretty equal quad relationship. I'm good with any sexual scenario I can think of, and so is Tom. We both feel like we have compersion (what a great word) about the whole thing, but not having actually experienced much more than the FF thing, it's just speculation at this point.
These people are our best friends- and we all came to Europe basically together, and have been through significant shit together, being each other's confidants. While our marriage is rock solid, theirs is somewhat wobbly. Ivan cheated during the time between Shell moving here & him finding his own way over. She knows about the infidelity, and they're working through it. But they both have abandonment issues and some insecurities, though they do seem to both be really good with the idea of at least swinging with us & we are all really close in pretty much every way. They both have some sexual needs that aren't being fully met currently, too, which may play into this. I think we might start things off by just doing a "friends only" or closed-group swing with them, and then see what happens.
As we discuss it, we are questioning if it's a good idea to even go there with them due to their relationship instabilities. However, I keep going back to the possibility that we might be the stability they each need to feel comfortable/secure and happy. Am I deluding myself? I know that Shell has some emotional needs related to stability that Ivan isn't meeting, partly because of his own attachment issues- and I feel like I could maybe help meet those needs, and Tom, too. Then Ivan would be somewhat off the hook for bearing the whole thing alone. Is this overly optimistic on my part? Shell & I have talked about the possibility of Ivan & I hooking up to fulfill some of his sexual needs- and she seems cool with the idea. I know that without actually knowing us all, it's impossible to say. I'm just hoping some people with a bit more experience can chime in & give us some advice or share their experiences. I have spent significant time researching (lurking) here & reading everything I can find that might be anything like our situation. Honestly, nobody seems to have started out quite as rock stable as Tom & I are. Are there others? Anybody have experience starting a quad with best friends that worked out (or didn't & there's something to learn from it)? I'd love to learn more & hear others' POV and ideas!
And if you read that entire, long-ass thing, thanks! I tend to be long-winded.