Issues with leaving the house so he and his OT can play

lyrias9

New member
My partner and I are poly and recently moved in together. Due to some stressful life situations we've both made the decision not to pursue any serious relationships at the moment and are sticking with our FWB's until we feel settled in our own lives and with each other.

One of his friends is coming home from a long time away and he's very excited to see her. They're very good friends as well as play partners and although we've never met I've heard stories and seen pictures and I'm aware of their connection and relationship. It's been intended on all sides that she and I will meet when she got back as we'd probably get on quite well.

The problem I'm having is that a few days ago he told me that they're planning for her to come over in a couple of weeks so that they can catch up and have some playtime. Implied in this is that I have to find something to do that night. My reaction was to get very upset and uncomfortable. Originally it was simply at the idea that I was being kicked out of my own house so that he could get some that bothered me. He quickly realized his mistake and acknowledged that asking would have been more appropriate, and we talked about it.

It's three days later and I'm still not ok with it and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not. I understand their situation, due to her living arrangements at the moment he isn't able to go to her house. I just feel uncomfortable with the idea of him having sex with someone at our shared living space, and that I have to leave so they can do it. This is the first time this sort of situation has come up and so I don't know how to deal with it. He's trying to be understanding and make compromises to help me feel better about it, but he doesn't understand why it's a big deal for me. If the situation were reversed, he'd be more than happy to wander off for an evening so I could have someone over. He's offered to have me meet her beforehand, I've made requests like no sex in the bedroom, but I'm still having issues.

I suppose my questions revolve around whether is this is a reasonable reaction on my part, or if I'm making a big deal out of nothing. If anyone has been in a situation like this before, how do you deal with it? Are there rules that you set up with your partner, does it help? Do most poly couples have other partners over when the other is away or is the home off limits?

I would really appreciate any insight, I feel like I'm drowning a bit with this.

Thanks
 
Can they go to a hotel? You shouldn't be kicked out of your own space if you don't want to leave. If you have other plans and are going to be out anyway, great! If not he needs to find an alternative plan. It's your house too.
 
Ive taken the kids out of the house a couple hours before because N wanted someone who couldn't host come over. I don't mind that occasionally but usually his fwb host (J spends the night in our bed or she has sex with him while im keeping the kids occupied during the day.
 
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I think the decision to leave or go is entirely up to you. If you are resenting feeling "sexiled" quite a bit, tell him that and recommend he and his FWB go get a hotel room.

However, if he plans to keep seeing this person, hotels can get expensive.

My gf and I moved in together 6 months ago, and we made sure to find a big enough house so that we each have plenty of personal space. We are in a ranch house with a refinished basement family room, and a guest room. She has only had one other person over, a play partner, once. They used the downstairs family room.

My bf, who is also her FWB, comes over 2-3 times a week and she has no problems with him and me having sex in the living room, our master bedroom, the family room, or the guest room. Or the bathroom, the kitchen... Once in a while we all have sex together.

Do you also have FWBs? You only see them at their houses?
 
I'm going through something some what similar. Been living w gf for a yr and a half. Some desires have changed and gf now saying I cannot have any sexual contact in our house what so ever, even in my own room. We did not discuss this before moving in together bc were not aware it would become a desire, so we're in a little different spot than you. For my gf, she says she won't ever be okay with me getting what I want in that sense. So it's something we have to think about...

I think it's normal for you to feel uncomfy and you don't have to love the idea of them having sex in your house. They would be kind to get a hotel until you warm up to her. I do think it's something you may want to work on accepting, since you knew your partner was poly all along, this is something to be expected. He should give you time, but I do think it's important to come to a compromise eventually. Of course it is your home and if you don't like something you shouldn't have to put up with it. It's just a matter of what causes less conflict and more connection.
 
I felt that way when my boyfriend first started dating his girlfriend. I didn't even want them in the house if I went out, because I wanted to be able to go home if I didn't want to be out any more. For me it just took time. The first time they had sex at the house took a couple of months. Now they have sex down stairs and I feel perfectly comfortable with it. Maybe you just need some time and space. If it is something you would like to be okay with some day sit down and talk to them both about it. If you don't think that this is a thing you want to work towards be honest about that to.
 
I agree with hellokitty. But it sounds like there is lots of potential for drama, anyway.
 
Thank you all for your input.

@Derbylicious: Unfortunately they're a bit too strapped for a hotel. Also he's going to be seeing a lot of her in the next while. A hotel will get expensive every time and he feels that he should be able to have his partner over where he lives, which I agree with in theory.

@Magdlyn: We live in a fairly smallish flat so there's no real way to go off on your own. I do have some FWB's and I have had them over, but that was when I was the only one living here. Since he's moved in we've both been automatically going to other people's homes. This is the first time that's not an option.


I should say that we do have a mutual FWB that has been over when playing with both of us. If she were to come over when I was out I would have no problem with it. This of course leads me to believe that my issues lie more with the fact that a) I haven't met her b) I have to leave as opposed to him having someone over when I was going to be out anyway and c) how crappy I felt about the way he presented it to me. The upside of this is that it's circumstantial and we can address those issues in the future so that I'm more comfortable. The downside is that I've said ok to him because I don't feel like I have many options, but I'm still not comfortable with this specific encounter. Now it's just about working through the feelings I guess and then dealing with it properly next time.
 
Well when I leave the house I say when I will back. So say you leave at noon, and plan on coming back at 2 pm. That gives him a couple hours alone in the house and maybe You can see a movie or something? He knows when You'll be back so he can have her leave before hand?
 
My boyfriend's wife works from home and they have a teenage son at home as well, so their place isn't an option because at any point there will be potentially 1-6 RoTC kids in the home. That usually means that he comes here and my husband either stays in his office or goes out. My husband's girlfriend and her husband have an agreement about no sex in their shared bed, so if they want to have sex in a bed instead of an uncomfortable futon in her livingroom, they come here. Usually it's been when I've had other plans, but the last time, they asked me to get our son out of the house. I had no problem with it, only they went out for lunch after and we beat them home.

It does make it easier to know about it before hand or to coordinate our schedules so that they know when I already have other plans or vice versa. With my boyfriend and husband it's a bit tougher, because they work together and we carpool home. So generally we either have to drop my husband off some place and pick him up after OR he brings us back to the house and comes back later, either way it hasn't worked out as well as planned. To me that feels more like I'm putting him out than if his girlfriend drives over here and I take the car to go out. I miss the days when my boyfriend had a car or was at least coming over every other week for game nights, but he's been laid up for 5 weeks after and industrial accident at work and I'm laid up following surgery, so if I want to see him we're having to put out at least 2 other people, which doesn't feel fair.
 
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@Magdlyn: We live in a fairly smallish flat so there's no real way to go off on your own. I do have some FWB's and I have had them over, but that was when I was the only one living here. Since he's moved in we've both been automatically going to other people's homes. This is the first time that's not an option...

...my issues lie more with the fact that a) I haven't met her b) I have to leave as opposed to him having someone over when I was going to be out anyway and c) how crappy I felt about the way he presented it to me. The upside of this is that it's circumstantial and we can address those issues in the future so that I'm more comfortable. The downside is that I've said ok to him because I don't feel like I have many options, but I'm still not comfortable with this specific encounter. Now it's just about working through the feelings I guess and then dealing with it properly next time.

I hope you can work it out, since your flat is small and this could be on-going issue. Do you feel you'd suffer jealousy or other bad feelings if they were having sex in one room while you were in another? Or does your bf feel shy to sex someone else while you are home? Or both? Or neither?

In my case, before getting this house, my gf and I were often at her or my "flat" (apartment) while I was having a bf or playpartner over. My gf doesnt suffer jealousy. She would sometimes get turned on by hearing my sounds. I would always go to her after the guy left or fell asleep (if he was spending the night) and sex her up if she needed it, or just cuddle her and tuck her in if I was going to the other room to sleep with my bf. If we slept apart, I'd also make sure to give her focused attention in the morning too.

That is what worked for us. YMMV. Some people don't want to have sex with one partner right after being with someone else, or the other partner wants space around it too. Luckily I like "double dipping," and my gf is also fine to have sex with me when I am still "glowing" from another partner's attentions.
 
Move at the slowest pace.

I think it's paramount that you are comfortable, especially during a first encounter such as this one. You need time to get to the root of your feelings, and I would caution you against pushing through discomfort. Your boundary is there for a reason. What do you think would help make you feel more comfortable about this encounter? Do you think that you would like to be there? Meet her? Have them stay elsewhere? Is there anything that you can think of that might be an easy solution for you?

Having things move at a pace that's comfortable for you should be important to everyone involved. Sounds like more communication needs to happen, and that a compromise of some kind needs to be reached. Hugs.
 
As you can see from the varied responses - everyone is different.

For me, I don't like having "strangers" in my house at all - and I certainly wouldn't respond well to being asked to leave my own home (for ANY reason - not just this one).

That being said, once I am comfortable with someone being at my house at all, there are very few restrictions on who has sex with whom where. (The exception is that you can't have sex in the bed - we only have one - if someone else is using it for ACTUAL SLEEPING).

JaneQ
 
I have to say your doing better than my bf's wife. Last night finished reading Redefining our Relationship, great chapter on jealousy. We all struggle with issues but as you said he would 'happily' do the same for you. It's all about happiness so I find always good to go spend his money on me when he's occupied! Then just have to show him the purchase and he always reminds me that I am deeply loved!
I find what also helps me often is the thought of how great he makes me feel. If he makes someone else feel that great why wouldn't you want that other person to experience that joy he gives to you! If the world could learn to love, it would be a much better place! Good luck to you dear I hope all works out for you, I understand your plight, best to y'all...
 
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