Phy's story - As you like it

Yay, a post! I was thinking only yesterday that it had been a while since an update from you.

Sorry to hear about some of the tough stuff - fingers crossed for you all on those things.

Glad to hear about the ease you have with your relationship... Really, it's simply as it should be. But still lovely and worth celebrating I reckon :)
 
My reaction is pretty much exactly the same as Fuchka's -- glad to hear from you, so sorry about the situation with your Mom, pleased that everyone is well and that you're getting ever more confident with being open, and very much hoping for good things in your near future.
 
Hey you two *waves* Yeah, you are right, happiness should be worth some celebration, fuchka.

Therefore, to not have another month of silence, just a short notice:

After some hectic days, I have had a day full of laziness, love and sex and am totally satisfied and happy. So much for happy, but uneventful posts. :p As I read most of you are well, I hope that you and I are able to keep this up :)

And another mental change I was able to observe: I am no longer scared to lose my happiness as soon as I notice that I am happy. I am more secure, more relaxed and able to enjoy the sweet times and this ... bliss is kind of the wrong word, but I cannot think of a better one right now, without being anxious that this may not be ever lasting. Life is beautiful :D
 
I am not satisfied right now. I haven't been for quite some time in regard to one special aspect of Sward's and my relationship: We have got such a bad timing. It is really unnerving and right now especially, as we haven't got much time together generally at the moment. And this is doubled by the fact that Lin's and my relationship is the polar opposite of that.

Bad timing in regard to discussions: I ususally tend to start a discussion, when there isn't enough time to finish it. Like this morning, when I tried to speak up about our timing problem. Yeah, great example how NOT to proceed any further. :rolleyes:

Bad timing in regard to sex: We have had totally different rhythms ever since. This isn't new, but the more stressed and pressed our daily scedule is, the more it shows. Which makes us grumpy, which gets my moods stirred up, which gets his moods stirred up, which simply makes me and him even grumpier :eek: What kills my mood completely while he feels the need to be close. Bad circle.

Lin noticed that we are having problems and offered an additional evening for Sward and me while he stays in his room or goes out. Sward and I have the flat for just the two of us alone seldomly. This will surely help.

In general all of us are a bit dissatisfied with the 'waiting position' we feel in right now. It's like our life is on hold and some major changes should be just around the next corner .. but this corner is not in sight yet, or better: seems to be too far away for now. One expression of this need to do something productive showed yesterday. Sward was surfing when he discovered a second hand kitchen, just in our neighboring town. And an one year old oven in our direct neighborhood. He called, made two appointments, woke Lin and me and we bought a new kitchen and stored it at home before afternoon. We talked about a new kitchen since the day Lin moved in two years ago, but that was a really fast and totally surprising development for all of us.

I guess I have to be just as active with Sward's and my problem. I scheduled some time and simply set a date for this evening. I have never done that before and am curious if this could be a solution for us. As we don't need extra time to talk, we do that whenever we are together, we will meet for sex and expect just sex this time. Not being grumpy, not beating around the bush, just a different kind of 'quality time'. Feels a bit strange for me, but I am curious how this will work out.
 
I'm a big believer in the value of scheduled dates for primary couples. If/when you guys have one or more kids, it will make even more sense to schedule time... at least that's what I've seen in Gia and Eric's relationship, if they don't actively schedule time alone together it just doesn't happen. I'm interested to hear how it goes for you two!

I'm sure that this holding pattern is stressful, and that can't be helping with the various negative cycles... but good on you for recognizing them and taking steps to make change.
 
I don't yet know if I am a 'believer' in regard to this procedure, but it seems to work for us. The first date was a success. It was just about an hour long, but we were able to use that timeframe effectively and had fun. We scheduled two dates a week for now and agreed to see how that goes. I was never prone of this scheduled intimacy, but it doesn't feel as awkward as I thought. Just the opposite, we were quite relaxed and both looked forward to it over the course of the day.

I don't know if this is a primary couple thing; I guess it just is a couple-with-packed-schedules thing :rolleyes: Lin and I don't have this problem because we have much more time to just be with each other. And the second most important point after the time aspect: Lin and I are more alike. Sward and I are total opposites in some parts. We don't like the same tastes, we don't enjoy the same TV shows or films, he is an early bird, I am a night owl, he is a social animal, I like to stay at home, and so on and so forth.

We will see how the upcoming weeks work out. I hope we found a practicable solution. :)
 
Scheduling time becomes more important as life in general starts to get more complicated. After a while, the schedule may not be totally necessary, but it does help to get back in the habit of making time of each other and give you guys something to look forward to. My husband and I also have timing issues. If I'm wide away, he's exhausted and vice versa. If I surprise him by taking a day off, he's got 50 things he's already committed to doing :rolleyes:.
 
Ha, yeah, I said that in an odd way -- what I was thinking was that, in many people's accounts that I've read, scheduled dates seem to be a given for secondary relationships... how else would you ever get alone time with a partner you don't live with?... but are not always a part of primary partners' routines.

Oftentimes people seem to expect that if they live together then time for intimacy will just happen. And in some peoples' lives, that's probably quite true! But once you start making time for additional partners... especially with the added factors of busy careers, school, hobbies, kids... that we-live-together-so-intimacy-will-magically-appear logic can start to fail without people realizing why they feel starved for connection with their partner. Just my observation. I'm sure it happens in mono relationships too.
 
Totally right, Annabel. That way it makes much more sense and I have to agree. And it is a mono relationship thing as well, because this is an old relict of Sward's and my relationship. Every time he is stressed because of seasonal working schedules or I am occupied with my studies/work, we encountered this problem. When we were alone, it somehow worked out, because there were 7 nights a week, giving us the possiblity for sex, as we never see each other during another time of the day. But not now. This should definitely help, I hope we can establish this new kind of routine.

What I find quite interesting, is that this isn't a problem Lin and I are facing or are likely to face, from my point of view. Even if I haven't sen him all day, we never fail to use our nights. Maybe it is because our relationship is still 'younger' or because we work in an equal way or because he is way more active than Sward or whatever the reason may be, but I don't think that this will ever be a problem for him and me. At least not to the extend Sward and I encounter. Ah well, never say never ^.^

I am still not that comfortable with the thought of actually 'working' on my relationship like that and in that way. But you are right, we-live-together-and-intimacy-will-magically-happen does not work. But I hope, that we just adapt to it and the strict schdule isn't needed any more SNeacail. Because I absolutely know what you described there, spontaneity isn't our strong point for sure when it comes to intimacy. :p Luckily this seems to be the only factor we need to keep an eye on, the rest is as great as ever.
 
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I am so sad today. A mother (probably) lost her baby girl, she was two days old. It is such a shock I am really speechless and can not find the right words. It looks like SIDS; they tried to reanimate her for three minutes, but her brain seems to be dead by now.

Everything about this case remembers me of the possible end Lin could be facing later on. He has been dead for 16 minutes already last time and would not survive such a blow (a reanimation) a second time. He does not want to "survive" with the help of machines while his soul or whatever you can call the spirit of a person is already gone and I know that this is the way it is going to be, but it is so hard to think about it.

Life goes on and it is so ridiculous to watch Sward renovating our kitchen to make our home more comfy, preparing everything for a possible child in our life while those parents suffer because of this tragedy. It makes me afraid of our futur right now. I can not help but see me in their shoes one day.
 
The baby girl is lost. I won't go into detail why I am so confused and moved by this hard fate the parents have to experience. It feels wrong and threatening.

_____________________

Lin and I had a poly related discussion. Or better: it was more along the lines of an open relationship of sorts. We were watching a show, where the mother of two grown children fell in love with another woman. All kind of reasons were brought up why she should or shouldn't pursue this love interest. In the end she left her husband. This sparked a conversation about my desire to be with a woman (whenever this may come into being ...)

Lin wasn't thrilled to say the least. While both of them (Sward and Lin) like to tease me about my feelings for my literary studies professor, he is totally against me having some kind of a relationship with another woman. Or in general: against me having any other kind of relationship. While talking about it, I realized that I am mainly interested in the general experience. I honestly don't know if I would be able to maintain three 'primary' relationships and the thought of it doesn't excite me much.

I am unsure where this will ever lead to and if it leads somewhere at all, but Lin said that he could handle some kind of one night stand/FWB arrangement. I guess, it was beneficial that we talked about it. I don't think that there will be any 'prospects' (weird word in this context :rolleyes:) any time soon, but it is always good to peak about things on our mind freely.

I haven't explicitly talked to Sward about this, but my last information was that he is rather excited if this would come true. Just like he was/is about Lin and my relationship and the physical aspect of it (even though that part cooled down significantly).

__________________________

Another happy thing to mention happened around Lin's birthday. We normally meet and sing for the "birthday child" and Lin was present during the other birthdays we celebrated so far since he moved here, but we never sung for him. He got presents but in the 'normal' fashion. This time my mother came to me to ask when we would like to sing our birthday song for him to coordinate the time with the rest of the family. I was surprised.

She: "When do you plan to sing today?"
Me: "Sing what?"
She: "Isn't it Lin's birthday?"
Me: "Yes it is, but do you want to sing for him?"
She: "Well yes of course, we sing for everybody!"
Me: "No, we didn't the first year he moved here."
She: "Oh, I didn't know about it then."
Me: "Do you really WANT to sing for him? You know what I mean."
She: "He is part of the family."

I just smiled. She finally made her peace with 'Us', as it seems. The singing itself was bit unusual later on. Sward couldn't refrain from making faces behind my back while all of us surrounded Lin to sing him a happy birthday. What made Lin unable to maintain a serious face, even though he tried, what lead to him turning totally red during the song. (And it's a long song :D) None of us stayed absolutely focused, but it was fun. And an important step for most of us. (I guess that my siblings weren't thinking about the meaning of it.)
 
I have been trying to think of something to post and there isn't much going on in our lifes that seem post-worthy, kind of. But as I started to think negatively again, as soon as I thought about visiting this site I wanted to make a happy post, to remind me that everything is good in our case. It made me a bit sad to read about all the negativety on here, yet again. (Well, did it ever stop?) If I remember correctly, the last time I did that, something bad came knocking at our door right away and I am curious if there is a pattern :p

Nevermind, I was just thinking that our life is beautiful right now. Even though I get stressed and sad regularly about our inability to have children and the time it took us by now without any results so far, what is disheartening for sure, I am happy. Happy about my two partners, happy about the peace all around me, family and friends and happy about my life in general. No doubt, there would be a better version imaginable and all of us strive to reach this one day, but it is quite perfect the way it is as well. All the little things ... I can't start to count what makes me happy. There is so much.

A negative side is that I instantly start to fear for this happiness to be gone the moment I am able to intensely feel how lucky I am. I cried some nights ago, because I am scared. I don't want Lin to be sick so often and I don't want my mother to be fighting dementia sooner than later and I don't want this peaceful life, we are living right now, to end.

Sward and Lin scolded me for this. But I can't stop thinking easily or at all, as it seems. The happier I am the more scared I get. But I am happy right now, no doubt about it. :)
 
I feel for you Phy...we went through the baby-struggles a while back too. (We ended up giving up, but I hope your story has a better ending).

I understand about being fearful that your current "happy" could be burst...but the longer the "happy" continues the easier it is to see it continuing (while the greater the loss if it should go)...Cheers! and Good Luck!

JaneQ
 
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Thanks, Jane. Whatever the outcome may be, I know that we will be alright. Humans aren't made for perfection anyway, I can't expect a perfect life in every aspect :rolleyes: We will see, what we could achieve in the end.
 
Ah dear, didn't I ask for it?! The next "unhappy moment" came as called. A minor misunderstanding with my sister and BiL made me seek them out and ask what exactly was wrong and if there is an underlying problem. Yeah, there is. It was totally unrelated to the actual situation but the behaviour of my sister was modified because of her dislike for the way I lead my life. THAT topic, again, ... great *sigh* The rest of the family accepted it, she never even started to be willing to do so, I guess.

I am guessing here, because "there isn't anything to talk about" as far as she is concerned. We will need to talk for sure this week. I don't know if I may just write her a letter and wait for a response or if I am going to visit. But I won't accept disrespectful behaviour from my own sister. If there is nothing to talk about I expect her to not talk about it. And not behind my back in our direct surrounding and family. That's just immature crap.

At least I am not as shaken as I have been when the confrontation with my mother happened. Maybe there is some getting used to being treated like this involved, who knows.
 
Didn't talk to my sister and decided to let her be. I won't put myself in any situation where I or she have to pretend to nicely get along while ignoring the elephant in the room. I won't put up with pretence. If she wants to change something about it, she may talk to me.

I totally forgot to mention Lin and my second year anniversary. ^.^ It went great, lots of good food and some 'nerding' and such. And I wrapped my preparations for the upcoming exams. And in September Sward and I will have our 13th anniversary as well. At the end of the month I will undergo surgery (laparoscopy). Hm ... that should have been all the important dates for now. Oh, and all of us have two weeks without any work or other obligations coming up. Sitting at home and enjoying life :D
 
I felt like updating.

I have talked to my sister and things are ... civil. She doesn't like Lin. She thinks he is immature and not "a real man". And certainly not a great partner for me. She told me, that she is unable to see him as a partner of any sorts at all in regard to me. But, she doesn't want space or one of us moving away because of it. I guess that is OK. She doesn't have to like him and I trust her, that she wont make any kind of scene when I introduce him to my relatives in the near future. I don't expect more for now. I am disappointed for sure, but that's life. Seems like the topic was responsible for some friends of her and BIL pulling away from them because they didn't like her way of handling my relationships. I just heard about this yesterday and maybe that was one of the reasons why things were more strained during the last weeks.

On the other hand I have had a great evening yesterday. There was a feast in our town and we went and met my parents there. Over the course of the evening my dad talked with Sward and espacially Lin for some hours, expressing his concern for his health and said that he was really happy for us and that he hopes for us to be well and happy together. While they were talking, I sat down with my mother alongside their friends and when a woman asked where my father was, my mother told her "Talking to his sons in law over there." I just had to smile :) So heart warming. Seems like I can't have it all. I prefer it like it is right now.

I am a bit afraid of the hormonal treatment that is just about to start. I underwent surgery two weeks ago. During a lapascopy they diagnosed endometriosis and I need hormones to stop it from growing again for about three months. I was told that it will be like experiencing menopause. Guess how happy I am about THAT :rolleyes: The positive side of it is the upcoming start of our artificial insemination therapy. Or better my ... Right after they give the go that the endometriosis is under control we will start into the first cycle. Hoping for the best.

And another 'aside': Learning for my finals right now. Two months remaining, another 7 topics to cover. Time is running.
 
Hey everyone, I hope you are doing fine :)

I am currently preparing for my exams in October and am a bit pressed for time but mainly confident that everything will work out just fine. Life at home is as quiet and peaceful as ever. Sward is working too much and Lin has his ups and downs with condition and heart and stuff.

We managed to have a whole TV series weekend - watched Dexter for 17hs straight, slept and kept on watching; Saturday and Sunday :p Was a great weekend, totally unproductive and lazy but so cozy and comforting to spend that much time with both of them <3

Sward had some unidentifiable problems moodwise some weeks ago, something was wrong without him being able to actually tell me what it was precisely. I finally called him out on his almost bitchy behaviour and put my foot down because I didn't wanted to fall victim to his moodswings any more. Apparently he didn't even recognize what he did to Lin and me and where all the stress came from. After this talk it became better and I arranged for some more hours for just him and me, to 'force' him to talk to me about what is on his mind. He simply forgets about this important part when I leave him alone :rolleyes:

Aside from this (already solved) problem, all is well ;)
 
I have been reading about the BDSM stuff on here and noticed something: Lin and I have a D/s-thingy going kind of. I can not really name it, I have never looked into this sort of thing, but he clearly behaves submissive in many areas of our daily life and I really like it. I make him do little acts of service for my sake and "pet" him for doing them. Some time ago we talked about little scenarios we could imagine playing out even in the more sexual part of the relationship without giving it a name.

This dynamic never developed with Sward, because every time I am dominant with him, I mostly succeed but he does not like it :p Lin responds willingly and likes to be in that spot. There have always been traces of this behaviour/dynamic between us but it became stronger with time littel by little. I will keep this in mind and am curious where it will lead us to.
 
Nothing much to talk about on here. Just a short update: Sward and I are celebrating our 13th anniversary today.

Life is great ;)
 
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