Being by yourself

Being Alone

Gee Barry, thanks for all the free advice. I can finally move on with my life.


I only wish it was that easy. But, this piece does make it easier. I can't remember which Jim Carey movie it was that he physically beat himself up. I think it was either Liar Liar or Pet Detective. I think it's a good depiction of what it looks like when we fight our natural born bent. I have included a link to the test. At the end of the test click the link and it will interpret your answers. Don't worry, the men in white coats won't show up at your door. No wire taps, feds, or any of that. :) The only trick to this test is answering it truthfully. Don't answer the questions according to the way you wish you were. Answer according to the way you "really" are. It's for you......no one else. At this particular website they provide a link to your personality which gives some general info which is worth looking at. But.....after you read that then Google your personality type and start exploring. I'll bet you will be amazed.
RedPepper had mentioned a desire to step outside of her personality to experience being alone. It's natural for all of us to want to experience what is outside of our given strengths. We are creatures that explore on many levels. The trick is not fighting who you really are in that process, it's important to know with certainty that your true strengths are not weaknesses. I am an INFJ. My personality is represented in one to three percent of the world population. I'm described as a counselor. I began listening to other people's problems and could easily sense what they were feeling as far back as I can remember. I am like a moth attracted to the light. I became a counselor and remained active for twenty-five years. I was drawn by that profession and did not realize why until several years before I moved on to another endeavor. I was made for that. By the way, I love people, I'm incomplete without being a part of the whole, so to speak. But I also need to be alone to renew myself. Good luck on your search.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Barry
 
I would love for him and us to live together and have that all the time, but it is a selfish thing and I know that neither him or my husband want that right now. So I wait and see what happens.

There is nothing selfish in wanting the people you love and who love you closer. We both know we do better when we are all together. From my perspective it's not a matter of not wanting to live closer or even together. I sleep better in your house than I do mine LOL! It's the logistics of co-habituating. Sex, personal space and my ingrain fear of becoming "boring" or overextending my welcome with your husband and son are the issues. Sex is definitely a big thing LOL! We'll find our way.

As far as being alone goes..I am completely comfortable with it. I have a strong connection to myself and can feel connected to others around me without ever knowing them. In most cases I prefer not to know lots of people, I have always been a person who has a very small group of close friends.

The question for me is..is the need to "not be alone" a common theme among poly folks? Is this one of the defining differences between a monogamous wiring and polyamorous wiring?

I definitely feel poly people are more connected to the world as a whole and more concerned about people in general. I see it and feel it. The difference in the social views of my poly friends and mono friends is generally pretty big...hmmm time for some processing I think :D
 
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Being Alone

Barry I'm gonna go ahead and look into the autism thing anyway, if that's ok with you.

YGirl,

That makes perfect sense to me. But.......even if it didn't, it's your question, and you need to find the answer. Unanswered questions have a way of popping up over and over and over. They never seem to go away until we face them. Kinda like the process I am going through with polyamory.

Barry
 
I definitely feel poly people are more connected to the world as a whole and more concerned about people in general. I see it and feel it.

Hi Mono,

You are so right. Poly people are more connected. The content of this thread supports that. Why is that? :) Whatever the reason, I'm glad I'm here.
 
Another question from a different perspective; Are poly people inherently more lonely than mono people and is that a contributing factor in wanting/needing more loves?
 
Are poly people inherently more lonely than mono people and is that a contributing factor in wanting/needing more loves?

Some poly people may be more lonely than some mono people, but on average? I strongly doubt it.

What most poly people probably share in common is doubt about the possibility of any one person meeting all of our intimacy needs (or desires), and skepticism toward the commonly held belief that the only appropriate or proper way to meet our intimacy needs/desires is within the structure of monogamy.

Some will say to this, "But you can have very close friends with whom you don't share sexual intimacy..." (bla bla bla).... But I respond to this with "Why should I not also include physical and sexual intimacy, if my partners and I want that and it's okay with everyone with whom I'm involved "romantically"?

In any case, I don't think poly folk are, on average, any more "needy" or "greedy" than mono folk, or any more lonely, etc. We may be more adventurous, curious, and given to questioning social conventions, however!
 
Another question from a different perspective; Are poly people inherently more lonely than mono people and is that a contributing factor in wanting/needing more loves?


In any case, I don't think poly folk are, on average, any more "needy" or "greedy" than mono folk, or any more lonely, etc. We may be more adventurous, curious, and given to questioning social conventions, however!


You guys sure aren't afraid to ask the big questions. :) There has to be specific factors involved in desiring a poly life style. If there wasn't we would not be such a unique minority. But what those factors are eludes me. I can identify with being adventurous, curious and for sure a bit rebellious when it comes to social conventions. I do think I am more lonely, but lonely for very specific types of people, and relish the possibility of being loved by more than one person on a deep level. Whatever the reasons my direction is clear.

Barry
 
Myself, I prefer to be alone as opposed to keeping up the kind of energy required in social situations. Although I am loud and gregarious, I like to be able to escape from a situation at the drop of a hat. Therefore (and for other reasons) I don't tend to have people over to my house except maybe one or two at a time with long periods in between. When we go camping as part of a group or where there are group activities (such as dinner), I prefer to keep to myself until most of the people have left. It's not that I am shy in large groups, but i feel as though i'm expected to contribute something and if I'm "quiet" i get asked "what's the matter" a lot. I like having my husband around, but he likes social situations more than I do so I am perfectly OK with him going out to bars and other events without me. Then I ask him "How was it?" I used to think I was a people-person but trying to live up to that image was very stressful. When I let go of that and acknowledged my anti-social disposition, I felt really relieved. My husband (and also my "other guy" who I don't see now) thinks I'm a high-functioning autistic / Asperger's, but I have not sought a professional opinion about this yet. The internet gives me a level of interaction that I can tolerate and remain in touch with people. It's not so much PEOPLE that I mind, just having them around constantly is kind of irksome to me.

Time to leave work now. See you's when I get home.

Yup. That's me. Even down to the social husband.
 
I've known some really needy mono folk in my day, and some very aloof.........then again, I'm the poly one here and have been very comfortable being a loner type of guy my whole life. I have no issue at all with being off alone on vacation by myself or sitting quietly by the lake for days at a time. Alas, as I've entered this poly phase of my life, I've found that I've changed and really seem to need or crave to be around one or both of my loves, just to share the mundane experiences of everyday life. Could it be we all, mono or poly, just waver and vary thruoughout our lives as to what we like or what we do? It's probably just another part of the human condition......doesn't necessarily affect any group more or less?
 
Enfj

There has been a tremendous amount of research done on individual personalities and how each personality type processes and perceives his or her world. Kiersey developed a method to define specific personalities and Myers-Briggs added their own spin to the process.

Barry

My employer paid for our whole crew to be tested with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator about two years ago- I am an ENFJ- it was fascinating!

I was working at a metal art gallery & school, so the crew was a bunch of artists, and moreover blacksmiths, who in my experience tend to be excellent folks, but a little rough around the edges.

We all got to see each other's profiles and discuss what they meant to our positions within the team, and figure out how we might function better. We all felt the outcomes were eerily accurate, so I vote yes for this test- I periodically dig out my folder and look at it when I am delving into a new project or situation- thanks for mentioning it- I will be looking it over again today, thinking about it in the context of poly!

As to the alone time/social time question, I find myself working in cycles throughout the week. I need a few days in the week to write/do artwork/read, just be generally undisturbed, but then cluster lots of social activity into the other days of the week. I feel just as comfortable doing both, I just have to allow for both. I am quite the butterfly when I'm out, or in class, but when I'm spending time alone- as my husband has come to respect- I really need to be alone.

One of the things that is most precious to me about being alone is that I don't have to get dressed, do my hair and face, etc., don't have to have outside stimulus or talk to anyone. I just sort of bask in myself, and I love it.

On the other hand, I truly enjoy spending one-on-one time with friends and family as well as being a part of a big, rollicking group, getting lots of hugs and affection, laughing, dancing, adventuring with others.

It's a balance for me, and I just have to value that and make time for both.
 
My employer paid for our whole crew to be tested with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator about two years ago- I am an ENFJ- it was fascinating!

As to the alone time/social time question, I find myself working in cycles throughout the week. I need a few days in the week to write/do artwork/read, just be generally undisturbed, but then cluster lots of social activity into the other days of the week. I feel just as comfortable doing both, I just have to allow for both. I am quite the butterfly when I'm out, or in class, but when I'm spending time alone- as my husband has come to respect- I really need to be alone.

One of the things that is most precious to me about being alone is that I don't have to get dressed, do my hair and face, etc., don't have to have outside stimulus or talk to anyone. I just sort of bask in myself, and I love it.

Hi Rarechild,

My daughter is an ENFJ, and without a doubt my best friend. We tend to shift in the percentages of each letter designation as we move through life, but I have remained an INFJ. The first opportunity I had to take the Myers-Briggs I was a young counselor and so high on the introvert scale that I actually had to think long and hard about taking the test. I'm very protective about the NFJ part of me. I'm not nearly as high on the Introvert scale now, and believe it or not own and manage a business of thirty five employees. And true to my nature I respect each person for the individual that they are. Without effort I know when something is going on with the folks that work for me, and they trust me to talk about it. I guess my point is that we are not limited by who we are as long as we recognize and embrace our strengths. I fought myself for years thinking I was weak because I feel the pain that is in this world. I embrace that part of myself now and in truth am loved for it. Have you ever looked at the "famous" people that are ENFJ's? You run in some pretty impressive company. :)

Barry
 
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