Narcissitic Poly Man, run for your life

Empath2018LV

New member
I am at what I hope to be the end of a multi-year relationship with a Narcissistic Poly man. I had always been in mono relationships but intellectually understood the desire to have experiences beyond one relationship. Meeting this man was a chance to have a new experience and learn about myself. At our first meeting he set down the relationship rules, boundaries and logistical expectations. I thought “what the heck?” but went along with it thinking direct honestly was refreshing. Long story short, I always felt as though I was part of a harem. He felt the need to tell me about is current and past girlfriends all under the guise of being honest. I expressed my discomfort and was told I was being weak and not open minded. If I wasn’t dating numerous others at any given time I wasn’t poly and was too vanilla. This went on for years. Although I had no problem with him having other relationships I didn’t want them to be part of our relationship. I made it clear that I wanted to be a priority at least sometimes, he told me that all his lovers were equal and that my request would never happen and that I had agreed to this so I had to deal with it. I always felt like I was in a relationship with so many different people it drove me crazy. I’ve always been secure with myself but can honestly say I NEVER got anything I needed from the relationship. I realize there is a reason I let it happen and didn’t take control, I am still working on that. It was a learning experience and a failure. After years of unfulfilling time together we finally broke up. Why did it take so long, I know I should have seen the signs and bolted. It was hard, but I got over it.
Six months later he contacted me and wanted back. I said I’ve meet him to consider. We started seeing each other again and now I know that I must go through the dis-attachment again. In our first intimate meeting he proceeded to tell me about how he just broke up with a GF that he met in my home town. A place that he knew was important to me and that he would have had to make an effort to select as a place to meeting someone to date. Because he was still visiting the area and had broken up with her “did I want to visit with him?” Am I crazy or is this completely insensitive and moving right back into old patterns of abuse?
He has told me I need therapy and that it’s all my fault. Intellectually I know this isn’t the case. I know that what he is doing probably isn’t true poly. I understand non-monogamy and honestly don’t think I had a problem with it. But I still wanted to feel special and as though my feelings were being considered. This was not the case. I was made to feel weak and little and riddled with jealousy. I just wanted to be in a relationship with someone that was thoughtful, respected my feelings, and let me be myself without thinking that wasn’t good enough. Am I the crazy one?
 
I just wanted to be in a relationship with someone that was thoughtful, respected my feelings, and let me be myself without thinking that wasn’t good enough.

You are not crazy to want that.

You just are not gonna get it with this guy.

Six months later he contacted me and wanted back. I said I’ve meet him to consider. We started seeing each other again and now I know that I must go through the dis-attachment again.

Now you have confirmed it. Disentangle yourself again.

And if/when he comes sniffing around again? Take steps to have changed your email/number/block him etc.

No contact at all.

If you have to talk to him for some reason because you bump into him on the street? Be the most boring person in the planet.

In fact, have a long, windy boring story ready to tell about all the chores you have to do that day.

He can flit off to find more "exciting" people elsewhere.

Basically say whatever to get him outta there the fastest. Shoo!

Because he was still visiting the area and had broken up with her “did I want to visit with him?” Am I crazy or is this completely insensitive and moving right back into old patterns of abuse?

Does it matter? She could be totally made up and he came to your area with a story to bother you. Which is creeper.

Or she's real and he picked her to date specifically to break up so he could tell you he did that with a chick from your town. Which is also creeper.

If he's telling you those stories the first meeting when he wants to get back together? Why agree to date? If for some reason this guy is your blind spot and you feel weak around him somehow? KEEP AWAY.

Galagirl
 
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I can relate. I with in a relationship with a "poly" narcissist guy as well. We were together 2 1/2 years. We went through the same things... him telling me TMI about his former gfs, and then his new lovers that he found after we were together a year.

I got fed up and broke up with him. It was very painful, since he'd been so charming and attentive our first year together, and then stopped the idealizing of me, and started the neglect, the disrespect, the triangulation and all that. I didn't know where my "perfect" man had gone.

He also tried to reel me back in, after only 42 days. I agreed to one meeting, to see if maybe we could have a more casual relationship. We just met at a park outdoors. No sexual behavior. The talk started off well enough, and he had made himself look great, his hair, his clothes. But soon enough I felt disgusted by his recounting of his current other relationships, the disrespect he was doling out to them, and his lying, his omissions of crucial info, his obvious extreme self centeredness and lack of real human connection to anyone other than himself.

I went back to no contact! I gave up all hope. I researched Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I took 6 months to heal before attempting to date again. Soon after I started dating, I met a guy a few times who was showing red flags of also being a sociopathic narcissist. I dumped him, glad I now knew what to look for.

I wish you well in making connections with others who are not narcs. Only 10% of the population have this abnomality. So you should be able to find a real man who is a real person, not a shell with no soul.
 
"Long story short, I always felt as though I was part of a harem."

Although this may be an issue for an individual, there is nothing wrong with harems in the general sense.

"He felt the need to tell me about is current and past girlfriends all under the guise of being honest. I expressed my discomfort and was told I was being weak and not open minded."

Some people really like talking about their relationships. Additionally, many poly people see "discomfort" around these discussions as a red flag for incompatibility with polyamory generally. I think it's very subjective. It can be hard to distinguish between someone who just doesn't want to hear and someone who doesn't want to hear so they can pretend it isn't happening.

"If I wasn’t dating numerous others at any given time I wasn’t poly and was too vanilla."

I know some poly people who won't date monogamous people and are cautious about "poly" people who meet them and suddenly lose interest in dating anyone else. It can be a symptom of them requiring monogamy in serious relationships.

"Although I had no problem with him having other relationships I didn’t want them to be part of our relationship."

What does this mean? Does this mean you didn't want "kitchen table poly" or did it go further in a way that would restrict other relationships? Don't Ask Don't Tell style relationships can enforce a hierarchy that might not be desired.


"I made it clear that I wanted to be a priority at least sometimes, he told me that all his lovers were equal and that my request would never happen and that I had agreed to this so I had to deal with it."

What does "a priority sometimes" mean? Does that mean that you want to feel more important than his other partners?
 
Hello Empath2018LV,

I can't tell whether that man is a narcissist, but he definitely isn't a match for you. You could tell that when he wanted you back and was already repeating behaviors that rubbed you the wrong way. So you are right to want to stay broken up with him, you are not crazy. Hopefully you can meet someone in the future who will make you a priority.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
A narcissistic mono man can ruin your life too.
 
...I NEVER got anything I needed from the relationship. I realize there is a reason I let it happen and didn’t take control, I am still working on that. It was a learning experience and a failure..... Am I crazy or is this completely insensitive and moving right back into old patterns of abuse? .....Am I the crazy one?

Assigning blame and trying to figure out which is "the crazy one" are helpful concepts only temporarily while a person is struggling to separate from the situation. Otherwise, knowing one's own mind and letting it go at that leads to a much happier and healthier way of life. He is not necessarily messed up and neither are you: you just are not a match in the kind of relationship you want. Leave it there.

For your own benefit, ask yourself why you remained so long in a relationship that NEVER satisfied you. Situations feel abusive when we don't know our own minds and stand by what we want. There are no failed relationships, only opportunities to learn and improve our abilities to discern what appeals to us and what does not. Failure is just as unhelpful a concept as "who is the crazy one?" Instead, focus on self-reflection, on clarification, on appreciation that this man brought you some valuable insights. You need not establish blame in order to move on with a heart that is available for someone who better suits your preferences.
 
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