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  #1261  
Old 09-09-2017, 02:26 AM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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It's probably just hormones, unless you've felt this way consistently for a month or three. I always start seriously questioning about three of those five things at least two days a month.
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I have a blog over here, featuring:
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  #1262  
Old 09-09-2017, 04:47 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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Aaaaand I'm sitting at the testing office because Rider's post-Florida test results came in and he has contracted anal gonorrhea, presumably from Allie, since he JUST got tested a few weeks ago after Viv and was fine. It's not in his penis, only in his butt, so presumably it just dripped down there while she was on top or something? And he used a condom so his dick was protected but his butt was not? I dunno.

I suppose it's possible that Dustin was naughty in the past three weeks and didn't tell me about it, and I caught it from him and Rider got it from me, but that seems highly unlikely given the amount we've hung out in that time period. And the fact that Rider doesn't have it in his dick suggests to me that it likely came from someone he was using a condom with. But I guess we'll see if I have it, which might scuttle that last hypothesis.

I am really, really, really not looking forward to discussing this with Dustin, mainly because I know he hates imagining Rider and me having sex, and this will necessarily put that picture in his mind. Also because I've been so adamant about Dustin being safe/honest with me, and he's pretty inexperienced with all of this, and I could see him easily assuming that I haven't made the same demand of Rider, or, if I have, that Rider has violated the agreements somehow. It's just a shitty situation all around.

Plus I have a ton of work to do for my job today, and I was looking forward to doing it on my couch with a nice cup of coffee, and here I am tapping away at a sure-to-eventually-die laptop in a freezing cold clinic waiting room.

My life right now, I swear.

At least I started bleeding this morning, so some of the moroseness and inability to cope has subsided.
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  #1263  
Old 09-09-2017, 08:43 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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"Just in case," they gave me a shot IN MY ASS MUSCLE and two horse pills that I had to take with food. These medications disallow me from drinking alcohol for a week, and I'm also not allowed to have any sex with Rider till a week after he takes his, or with Dustin until either (a) I test negative which means he doesn't have it or (b) I test positive, then he tests and takes his and we wait a week. Ugh!

Rider told me that Allie was indeed playing with his butt, so that's probably how it happened. He called Allie, and she was freaked out about not being able to test immediately because of the impending hurricane. He called Viv, too, just in case, because the medical literature we found online said the incubation period could be up to 10 days, and he'd tested only 8 days after being with her. Viv was super nice about it and thanked him for "being an adult." But all signs at the moment point to Allie. I guess we'll know after the hurricane.

Dustin was SO SUPER COOL about the whole thing. All my nervousness was unfounded. I actually woke him up (even though it was after noon) with the phone call. When he ascertained what I was about to discuss, he laughed and said, "Oh, boy. One of THOSE conversations. All right, whatcha got?"

When I told him how bad I felt about it all, he told me to seriously not worry about it—shit happens and it's always a potential consequence. It was the PERFECT opportunity for him to whip out more of his disdain for “my ‘lifestyle’” like he does every once in a while, but he didn’t. He was very compassionate.

He wasn’t happy that I can’t have sex OR drink for a week, but he dealt with it like a champ. He’s going to wait till after I get my results to go get tested himself. If I’m positive, then he’ll have to go in. But he hates doctors, so he’s putting it off till it’s absolutely necessary.

When I thanked him for being so cool about it, he just said, "That's how it's gotta be with these things. What other option is there?"

So . . . I guess things are going as well as they possibly COULD? I told Rider, though, that after this, if he's going to be sleeping around and doing butt stuff with other people, I will probably resume using condoms with him. I have zero desire to more than once go through loss-of-Saturday, butt-needle, and a week of abstinence from fun. If it were just me to worry about, that'd be a different story, but Dustin is not sleeping with anyone else, so it's also forcing him to abstain from sex for a week at no fault of his own, and that's kind of unfair.
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  #1264  
Old 09-11-2017, 10:38 PM
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In thinking of all that has happened in the past 48 hours, and of how little time I have to record it all here, I am reminded that there is so much stuff/nuance that happens that we don't see in these blogs—no one can ever know the whole story or have a full picture from reading here.

With that in mind, here is a short, numbered list of things that have happened:

1. The out-of-town trip with the band was a clusterfuck. This time, thankfully, it was not Dustin fighting with me. It was the venue being utterly terrible and driving everyone (except me) to drink, resulting a hammered, argumentative band, fighting with each other and near-physically fighting with outsiders. I did a lot of playing peacekeeper.

2. Some combination of being in the van + substances apparently reliably removes Dustin's filter, as he ended up openly discussing the STI situation in front of everyone. Luckily for him, IDGAF what people think of me, nor am I a particularly private person, and it was, after all, the truth. So I didn't get mad about it. Actually, I suspected before even having the phone convo that that was what was going to happen, and I still chose to tell him in advance of the trip.

3. I (being the only sober one) ended up driving the van home, thus completely winning over Dustin's bestie. He posted a pic of me on IG with the caption "unflappable." And I guess it's true, as I managed to pilot a giant van down winding mountain roads with a cliff on one side and no guard rail, with five all-but-brawling drunk people as passengers, in pitch darkness, with jackrabbits darting in front of me every few feet and my partner saying things that would incite most people to embarrassment . . . after being awake for almost 24 hours. I have no desire to become default Band Mom, so I am not doing this again for a long time.

4. Once home, a still-drunk Dustin admitted that he was more bothered about stuff than he'd let on in our original conversation (ya think?), completely not remembering his ranting in the van. He said it was really hard for him because he'd done everything I'd asked of him, and he'd trusted me, and it turned out I'd put his health at risk. He is not wrong. It was my own ignorance in not knowing that things could be transmitted that way to a male partner—even using condoms—and if I'd known better, I would have been using condoms with Rider all along. Rider told me that the clinic had told him that LAST TIME he'd gone, and he hadn't passed the info on to me. It is obviously my responsibility to protect myself (and therefore Dustin), if Rider is going to be with other women (and Dustin is not). Live and learn. I still feel guilty, but it will pass.

5. It came up in conversation with Rider last night that he'd been IMing with Viv and she'd been super apologetic, basically implying that it was probably her. I don't know whether or not it truly was—if she's gotten test results then I don't know about it—but obviously she believes it's possible, which suggests risky behaviors on her part. I'd already, before all of this, kind of scolded Rider for not even ASKING about her testing and BC status before having sex with her, so I did not re-scold him. But I'm worried because, if it was her, that's a longer window of exposure for me. I won't know till Wednesday or Thursday, so I'm still trying not to obsess.

6. When I told Dustin of all his shenanigans Saturday night, he was again very apologetic and thanked me for putting up with him. I asked him if I was "going to have to 'June Carter' his ass," referring to the part in the Johnny Cash biopic Walk the Line where she rather forcibly cleans him up. The fact of the matter is that I do not have the resources (time, emotional, or otherwise) to do such a thing, but I thought that a friendly threat might get through to him that his behavior, while not that time damaging to me in particular, was still unacceptable. I had tried that night (at Dustin's own request) to slow his pace, but one particularly happiness-undermining bar patron had kept bringing him shots, even after I'd told the fellow he didn't want any more. In the end, it's a decision he has to make for himself, and it's not one he's going to make favorably when he's already drunk—I, myself, know all too well how that goes. I am often guilty of the same exact shit.

7. Despite his being upset over the STI stuff, and probably in part because of my handling of Saturday night, Dustin has doubled down on his love for me. He was telling me all Sunday how he loves me more every day. We couldn't have any kind of penetrative sex, but we did some manual stimulation (plus careful hand-washing) and he managed to get me off that way—a first for us.

We have also planned a double-date overnight road trip with his brother and his girlfriend for next month. Having grown up in a large, close (back then) family, I really like doing family-ish things with partners. And we're doing homemade sushi with them on Thursday—apparently Dustin knows how.

My schedule for the coming week is this:

Tonight - hanging with Rider while I get some work done
Tomorrow - hanging with Rider while I get some work done
Wednesday - hike/beach/frozen treats with Dustin
Thursday - make sushi with Dustin & fam, then hang with him while I get work done
Friday - rehearsal with the band, then hang with Rider
Saturday - work and hang with Rider in the day; play show from 7–9; hang with Dustin afterward
Sunday - hang with Dustin early; go to Elena's going away party with Rider later; possibly work from home late-night

Soooo . . . it's a busy week for me! As usual. I would say that my existential crises have not fully passed, but my thinking about them has become less weighty-feeling and urgent. I feel much more "take things day by day and see what happens" rather than "OMG, what have I done with my life? Dooooo something!!!"

I just hope my test results come out favorably. All my wishing is being poured into that right now.

Last edited by Reverie; 09-11-2017 at 11:18 PM.
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  #1265  
Old 09-12-2017, 04:53 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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This morning, I woke up from a (rare) dream of my sister to find that she'd texted me. I'm going to be an auntie again in May! I'm very happy for her, her husband, and my little nephew who gets to be a big brother.

It's good to have some happy news!

Last night was relatively uneventful. I did some chores, including laundry (because the kitten had peed on the bed yesterday morning, and because the sheets from when Dustin was over had still been bundled up in the corner) and fixing Rider's lunch salads for the week. And then I worked on my laptop on the couch while Rider rubbed my feet.

Dustin and I texted for a while, planning an adventure for next month. There's a famous old ship that now has a hotel in it, and they do a month-long Halloween event during October. Dustin's grandmother came over on that ship, so he's always wanted to stay in a room there, and he's excited to have someone to do it with. The Halloween thing is a fun bonus.

We're both so busy, though, that it was impossible for us to find a weekend night when we're both free! So I checked with my boss, and I am going to take one day off without pay toward the end of the month. It shouldn't be too painful, as my next paycheck after that is my "extra" paycheck in the month of November. Usually, I use that to fund my trip back east, but one missing day won't cut into that too much.

I eventually got to a stopping point with my work, had a brief phone convo with Dustin just to hear his voice, and then headed to bed.

Rider was very pleased to get a handjob—our first sexual contact since the bad news came to light. I washed my hands thoroughly and used hand sanitizer just in case.

One thing that is inconvenient with this whole not knowing my testing status thing is not being able to use my Diva Cup! I had to switch back to tampons this cycle for the first time in . . . I don't even know. Early 2014? 2013, even? I hate tampons! But it seemed safer than repeatedly re-inserting a device while my antibiotics were still working.

Another thing that happened yesterday was that I found out that the chick friend of the band who is often along on those road trips—the one who is a total agent of chaos and seems just batshit insane to me—is a therapist! The mind boggles. I have seen and heard this chick do and say some really, really crazy shit, so the idea that other people come to her for their mental health blows my mind. It was a serious WTF moment for me.

Anyway, back to the grind for me. Hopefully I will have some more good news tomorrow . . .
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  #1266  
Old 09-12-2017, 07:56 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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Ah! Another piece of good news: I sneaked a peek at the royalty statements for the check that should be coming to me in a few weeks, and it's more than double what I expected! FINALLY a bit of financial reprieve!

I’m not going to be extravagant with it, though. What I’m probably going to do is get my plane tickets for Thanksgiving, the new bass amp I was planning to get that Dustin's brother is getting me a sweet discount on, some much-needed clothes (cheap ones: thrift and Target), a pair of sneakers since mine are ratty, and get my phone battery fixed, then throw the rest at debt.

Well, and take Rider and Dustin each out once and spend some money on them for a change. They both treat me so well when I'm flat broke.
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  #1267  
Old 09-13-2017, 01:06 AM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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I GOT MY RESULTS EARLY AND THEY WERE ALL NEGATIVE!

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  #1268  
Old 09-13-2017, 02:04 AM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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Aaaand now I'm sitting at a Starbucks waiting for a ride because I was biking home and my tire was being weird and thumpy, and I looked down, and it looked like this. FML. After I already lost my water bottle out of the cage on my way TO work. If it ain't one thing, it's another!
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  #1269  
Old 09-13-2017, 04:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reverie View Post
...
Another thing that happened yesterday was that I found out that the chick friend of the band who is often along on those road trips—the one who is a total agent of chaos and seems just batshit insane to me—is a therapist! The mind boggles. I have seen and heard this chick do and say some really, really crazy shit, so the idea that other people come to her for their mental health blows my mind. It was a serious WTF moment for me.

...
I actually think that having mental health issues, or dealing with family members over long periods of time who do, is probably a big cause of people becoming therapists. You spend so much time armchair-psychoanalyzing yourself and/or others, that you figure...what the hell, might as well be getting paid for this shit.

Though I gotta say, as someone who is actually considering becoming a sex/relationship sort of therapist person, I would not have considered it like 5 years ago, or back when I was "in the crazy" with my ex and it was my normal. I was already dealing with more than I wanted to on a daily basis, and did not have the spare mojo for "clients." Only now that I've come a long way, and learned and grown a lot, and I think I could probably do such a thing.
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  #1270  
Old 09-13-2017, 11:37 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spork View Post
I actually think that having mental health issues, or dealing with family members over long periods of time who do, is probably a big cause of people becoming therapists. You spend so much time armchair-psychoanalyzing yourself and/or others, that you figure...what the hell, might as well be getting paid for this shit.

Though I gotta say, as someone who is actually considering becoming a sex/relationship sort of therapist person, I would not have considered it like 5 years ago, or back when I was "in the crazy" with my ex and it was my normal. I was already dealing with more than I wanted to on a daily basis, and did not have the spare mojo for "clients." Only now that I've come a long way, and learned and grown a lot, and I think I could probably do such a thing.
The stuff that this chick does is often kind of beyond the pale.

Like pouring a glass of water over her own head next to me and Dustin while we were arguing a couple weekends ago. Or lying to Rider about her age for no reason. Or "spying" on Rider's conversation with Tina about me and Dustin, then telling Toby and Dustin about it. Or bragging to Oona that "everyone would be dancing if SHE'D made the playlist." Or purposely trying to seduce and then bail on the chip-toothed, B.O.-ridden co-proprietor/bartender of the shittiest mountain bar I've ever seen. Or ripping her own shirt open on the dance floor in said bar, ending up going home in one of said bartender's B.O.-scented shirts. Or passing out in the very back of the van on top of the drummer (who is monogamously partnered) after having flirted with every other male all night long. Or (what seems to me to be) purposely trying to make me jealous by sauntering up to Dustin and taking drags off his cigarette while he plays bass. Or discussing, in the van, in explicit detail, the oddities of her last gynecological visit.

Everything she does seems to be calculated for some combination of chaos, shock value, and attention. Oona said that upon meeting her, she immediately got a "this chick is psycho—run!" vibe.

I tolerate her, because these guys have known her for 20 years and seem to like having her around. But she is definitely in the top 5 of craziest people I've met since I've been back in CA. I've maybe never even encountered her particular brand of crazy before.

I feel like in a professional setting, she'd be more likely to try to get people to ruin their lives, just to see what would happen, than she would to help anyone on purpose. Seriously, she reminds me of a cat that lazily smacks a large beetle over and over again to see what happens if she never outright kills it.
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