In what social circles do you move?

How much of your leisure time is spent interacting with other poly folk?

  • 0-20%

    Votes: 18 60.0%
  • 21-40%

    Votes: 5 16.7%
  • 41-60%

    Votes: 2 6.7%
  • 61-80%

    Votes: 3 10.0%
  • 81-100%

    Votes: 2 6.7%

  • Total voters
    30

hyperskeptic

New member
A thread on another forum has brought up a question that has troubled my mind from time to time.

People who think of themselves as polyamorous constitute a small minority in societies in which monogamy is entrenched in attitudes and institutions. Not only that, but we are a minority that would be reviled more than almost any other, were we to come to the attention of many in the mainstream.

There may be a tendency to gravitate toward one another, to seek one another out for mutual support and mutual protection, to circle the wagons.

Add to this the fact that life in modern societies has become more and more about privacy, less and less about community engagement. We have reduced most of our incidental interactions with others to economic transactions, and those increasingly at an anonymous distance. Socially, we have retreated first into our living rooms and private clubs, then into social media and various online cliques.

In some ways of telling the story, polyamory really only got started as this kind of chosen community: people sought and found one another online, and networks began to form. This forum is an example.

Here's what I wonder, though. I know a handful of people whose leisre-time social circles - that is, social connections outside family, work, and school - consist almost entirely of people who are both poly and kinky.

That's a small sample, but I wonder if it is indicative of a trend, perhaps even an innate tendency in polyamory as it has developed.

So, thinking about your social interactions other than those associated with family, work, and school, and aside from time spent with partners/lovers/SOs, how much of your social time is spent interacting with other poly folk, whether online or in person?

This is an entirely unscientific poll, probably ill-structured and otherwise flawed, but I hope it might get an interesting conversation going.
 
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I'd have to say about 5% of my time is spent with other poly folk and that's only online. It's not like there's a huge pile of poly folk in my little burg.
 
None. I have gone to one poly meeting, and I met a cute girl there. There was a bi guy checking me out as well, I guess, but I was not physically attracted to him.

I`m supposed to go out to "teach her pool" this weekend, but I haven`t contacted her. I`m kind of freaking out. It would be my first date with someone who self-identifies as poly, and who`s already got a relationship.

The fact that I`m more of an open relationships guy, rather than poly, and therefore lean more toward a DADT and NSA background, and she`s so vocal about the L-bomb, kept me from contacting her thus far.

But, I think I will. She`s pretty. A thread on that later. :)
 
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Outside of work and family? Hmmmmm....

I would have to say my circle of friends is currently almost half Poly folks. I might have a slight bit more non-poly friends, if you're talking pure numbers. But if accounting for frequency of how much I hang out with whom, then a slight edge to the Poly's.
 
There's a few poly folk locally, but I move in different social circles than they do. We have some overlap within the BDSM community but don't really have much to do with each other. The local poly group also tends to run events that conflict with my work schedule so I normally don't make it out to their meetings/munches/ect.
 
Very little. My boyfriend's wife and her boyfriends are it, and I very rarely socialize with them other then to say hi if we run into each other at his home.

I used to go to the local poly potluck/meeting occasionally, but it's been years since I've done that. None of my friends/family are poly, and Fly (live-in boyfriend) doesn't really do sustained relationships. He's invited his playmates over once in a while if we're having a big BBQ or house party, but I don't always know who he's sleeping/slept with, and most of them identify as single or open, not poly. :)

Online is pretty much it, and "online poly" for me consists of this forum :)
 
Do you really feel "we are a minority that would be reviled more than almost any other?" Poly is becoming more and more known, written about, reported on, and publicized, and I don't think it's true that polyfolk are more reviled than others.

And as far as being a chosen community, that is pretty much the case with any group of like-minded individuals or people with the same or similar interests. Of course people will seek others with whom they can share passions, interests, connection, camaraderie, etc. That's not very unusual.

I answered 0 to 20%.
 
Do you really feel "we are a minority that would be reviled more than almost any other?" Poly is becoming more and more known, written about, reported on, and publicized, and I don't think it's true that polyfolk are more reviled than others.

Maybe this is just an impression I have: for the mainstream American mindset, at least, poly is near the bottom of the slippery slope, just above (or next to?) bestiality or, as one especially dense public official would have it, marrying inanimate objects.

What piqued my curiosity is not that poly folk have found one another and have communities (like this one) for support and encouragement, but a vague impression that associations of poly folk might tend to become exclusive communities or cliques, or a primary focus of social life.

All I had were vague impressions, though, based on very limited experience and small sample sizes.

From the responses to the poll, it would seem that people who consider themselves poly are quite diverse, in this as in many other respects.
 
This came up just a night or two ago with my (poly/open) BF. He said apart from me and the few people in the group in which we met, virtually all his friends/ social life are from/with the kink/poly/open community.
 
Most of my socializing is in either (or both) poly or kink communities. It's been good for me, especially as my marriage ended. I now want to work on developing hobbies and other friendship sets. I worry a bit about putting my eggs all in one basket.
 
My only socialising with other poly people (that I'm not dating) is the time I spend in these forums. This being said, I would like to go to a poly convention at some point.
 
Maybe this is just an impression I have: for the mainstream American mindset, at least, poly is near the bottom of the slippery slope, just above (or next to?) bestiality or, as one especially dense public official would have it, marrying inanimate objects.

I think it depends a lot on presentation.

When I tell people I'm dating more than one person and that I live on my parents' property in a tiny mother-in-law apartment, surprisingly, most older people seem to think it's downright normal.

The worst reactions have been from straight monogamous women who are married, of whom you could not pay me enough to sleep with their husbands.
 
The only poly socializing I do is here on the forum - I don't know any polyfolk IRL (I started to try to go to a MeetUp but was but off by how much info I had to give to sign up). Currently that comprises a large chunk of my internet time - but that is my usual pattern on the internet: find a forum/site/game, become intensely involved for a period of months, then move on to the next thing, checking back in occasionally to see what the current state is of my old internet obsessions.
 
Sounds totally familiar, Jane. The same for me. The only poly people I know are virtual. And those where the thing with the child abuse happened ... definitely not the best circle to join.
 
FYI, you could sign up at meet up as Jane Q Smythe, you don't have to be your 'real' self. My local poly group advertised on meet up and I used November Rain to sign up there. AND, you can see their calendar without signing up; I think a lot of groups are 'private'. My local group is also on a facebook group and I participate mostly there. But I had to go to the meeting to find out about, and get in ~ because the fb group is completely private.

The only poly socializing I do is here on the forum - I don't know any polyfolk IRL (I started to try to go to a MeetUp but was but off by how much info I had to give to sign up).

Interesting questions, hyperskeptic. I knew one couple, self-identified poly. Friends from another fringe social group, and the guy works with CBF. I called him when I was in my first days' hysteria about 'can I really have two boyfriends?' He was very reassuring, mostly by telling me I'm smart and capable. He and his gf are unicorn hunters, and were in a phase of giving up. (I sent them the link to the fb unicorn group that was posted here a while ago)

So, most of my poly socializing is online. However, I met one terrific friend (and her tangle) FROM HERE. Right in polyamory.com. With a capital P and that rhymes with T and that stands for TROUBLE. :D Not really (I saw Music Man last weekend).

When I discovered I was bi, and shortly after, the gay community (way back before it was even dreamed of being called LGBQTXYZ), I decided that 'bisexuality' was not enough in common for me to hang out in identified 'bi' groups. Sex was just not the biggest interest in my life. And back then, I wasn't hearing enough talk about love to keep me interested.

Dropping into the poly community, feels very similar to me in the way I dropped into the gay community. However, it's a much broader focus, and it is pretty far off the mainstream, so I very much enjoy participating, increasing my participation and just being able to be with other polyfolk. It's really nice to say 'my boyfriends' without having to go into the long explanation, or having to defend it.

I doubt I would be happy living in any exclusive community.
 
I am sure I socialize with some poly people. However, I don't really know who most of them are. See, folks don't necessarily advertise this. No convenient shirts, badges, or tattoos.

I do know a couple of my acquaintances are poly. However, I have never talked about it with them because I am not really interested in them romantically and I haven't really found another reason to bring it up.
 
How would I even know they are poly? Not all of them are OUT to people.

I probably bump into polys undercover all the time but don't know it.

For all I know my cashier at the grocery is poly. I don't care because... she checks my groceries out and I go home?

I don't attend meetings or anything -- I'm not looking to date or seeking or anything. I enjoy online forums just cause I like to talk! :D

So unless we've been friends for years and I already just know because we've been friends for years?

I just wouldn't know what percentage to put.

GalaGirl
 
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