Seeking Serenity

silencebreaking

New member
This is going to be one doozy of a first post, but I'm feeling massive amounts of stress tonight, and I need to get it all out, otherwise I'm going to have a breakdown either at work tomorrow, or when I see Troop after work. I've been thinking about blogging for a few days, so I'm biting the bullet. I'll share more back story sometime this weekend.

I'm just completely fried right now. Between getting maybe three minutes with Troop tonight because he and Sunny stopped by to get his Cards Against Humanity set and the zipper I offered to Sunny (that she never fucking responded to my text about, when I asked her if she wanted it), my ex-fiance doing a fucking drive by yesterday when I was working from home, and just feeling left out in general, I'm done.

I saw Troop on Monday evening, as he was here when I got home from work. But he'd made a comment earlier in the day that he'd have to ask Sunny about him coming over. What. The. Fuck. It came across as though he had to get her permission to fucking come see me. And then he only spent around 45 minutes with me directly, as he cleared my driveway for me (which I REALLY appreciated).

Then on Tuesday, I got to see him... with Sunny. Because we went to the local poly group meeting, where his ex-partner Maly and her primary's secondary Ria were there, and they were both being bitchy again. Ria made some passive aggressive comments directed at Troop, which annoyed me and Sunny... but Sunny was the one that spoke up about it, after the meeting to Ria via text message. Which apparently started a shit storm and left poor Vic all confused.

Wednesday is when my ex did his drive by, at a time I normally wouldn't have been home - but I was, because I had an appointment that was closer to home than work. But it left me freaked out, because he also showed up and knocked on my door on January 1 after 10 PM, just to say hi. Fortunately, Troop was here that night. But my ex scares the hell out of me. He's an alcoholic with other mental health issues, owns guns (that he really shouldn't own - he lied on the paperwork when he purchased some of them), and has special forces training. But yesterday - Troop wasn't here. He was with Sunny. And it felt like his replies to my text messages were really really delayed. And while I'm glad they had quality time together, I was freaking the fuck out but felt like I couldn't tell him about it because then he'd feel like he had to come over and have to ask permission to do so.

And tonight, they came by my house to pick up CAH and the zipper. Well, the zipper was in my car because I took it with me last night, thinking that I'd just drop it off on my way home from my tax appointment if she wanted it, but she never responded to my message saying yes or no. And tonight, they had plans to hang out with some friends of theirs that I haven't met yet... Because the first time I was supposed to meet them, the invitation ended up being rescinded due to my food allergies (they didn't feel comfortable preparing dinner for me, which I understand - I have multiple food allergies, and I know they suck). But the comment that was made to me, was that we'd plan something else soon. Well, it's been over two months and nothing has been figured out about it... But Sunny comes to town, and it's all "hey, lets get together!" And it actually happens. So I'm feeling shitty about that, but haven't told Troop about it as A. I don't want to intrude on his last night with Sunny; and B. I don't want a pity invite.

Anyway, I was moody when they were here, and closed my car door harder than I should have (did I say closed? I meant slammed.). About 30 minutes after they left, I get a text asking if everything is okay, I seemed upset. Well, of course I'm fucking upset! I'm stressed out, Sunny has been here for 2.5 weeks and I'm worried that she's going to oops, going to miss her train and be here even longer. I'm freaked out about my ex-fiance and need to change the garage door code, the key code for the garage, and rekey my house this weekend. I miss Troop, I miss our routine, and I have PMS right now, which is really unusual for me. I feel like Ragey McBitcherson. Except that I'm now at the point where all I want to do is cry. So I think I'm going to go do that.
 
So, I haven't updated here in ages... I'll update the last few years in bullet form, I think.

  • Sunny left on schedule.
  • Troop moved in with me in early March 2015
  • Sunny and Troop ended things amicably in spring/summer 2015
  • Troop proposed in summer 2015
  • Got married in spring 2016
  • Reactivated my OKCupid profile to start looking for another partner
  • Found out I was pregnant three days after activating my profile on OKC. Didn't log on again, as holy crap - we were gonna be parents! (planned pregnancy, just didn't expect to get pregnant the first shot after pulling the goalie)
  • Gave birth in early 2017

During this entire time, we closed our relationship. With planning a wedding in only 9 months, we knew neither of us could really devote time to another partner. About a month after the wedding, things had calmed down, and with Troop's encouragement, I reactivated my OKC profile. As soon as I signed on, I started getting messages. Then, three days later - I took an "early response" type test, and found out I was pregnant. I haven't been on OKC since then, as we went full steam ahead with housing renovations to prepare for baby, and just getting ready to increase our family size.

Kiddo is now over a year old, and we are approaching our second wedding anniversary. Troop has been bringing up opening our relationship again, and we've discussed it. Which is why I'm posting here again. I've been reading here, occasionally commenting (and sometimes sending messages when I see real names instead of "forum names" listed), and now... now I'm ready to post again, as I have a poly journey that I want to document, and research, and talk about and get feedback.
 
As I said in my last post, earlier this afternoon... Troop has brought up the topic of opening our relationship again, and we've discussed it. One thing that he has always made sure to tell me is that he loves ME, he is married to ME, he has children with ME, and he will always, always, be coming home to ME. He loves me, he loves our family, he loves our plans for the future, and that I am the woman he wants to spend every night with for the rest of our lives. He has always made sure that I know I am loved, feel his love, and understand just how much he loves me.

Initially, he was interested in pursuing things with a woman that he had met and briefly dated a few years ago. They stopped seeing each other, as she wanted monogamy and he was only interested in poly relationships. She "matched" with him on OKC recently and messaged him. She's now married, and she and her husband have opened their marriage. They started discussing things, and he was telling her what our limits were (which hadn't actually been discussed since before we got married), and they were trying to find time for a date - all before he discussed it with me. And then he invited her to Kid's first birthday party, without telling me. I found out when I looked at the Facebook event I had created for the party, and saw her as a YES on the guest list, the day before the party was to occur.

We had words, to put it mildly, and he backed off. He hadn't realized that I KNEW this woman, that I had gone to high school with her, and that I had graduated with her older brother. That for a brief time, her family lived in the subdivision I grew up in (and where my parents still live). It was too close to home for me, I hadn't been given time to really prepare myself, and it was just too much. So he put the brakes on with her.

We still discussed it over the following weeks, and he let me know a few weeks ago that another woman had reached out to him on OKC. They were only talking and getting to know each other. She lives in a neighboring town, and she is engaged and has a boyfriend. Both her fiance and boyfriend have other relationships as well. She was looking to meet other people. He told me last week that she has expressed interest in meeting him for coffee.

This caused a minor mental freakout for me. I know he loves me, and we've had rational discussions of things. But part of me keeps asking myself, what is he not getting from me, that is making him want to pursue other relationships. But I know exactly what he is missing. We met through friends in the local kink scene. We both identify as bottoms/submissives. I CAN switch, but I don't often do it as it isn't as enjoyable for me. And I need to have the right dynamic with someone for that... and my husband doesn't flip that switch for me (or at least not often enough for him to be happy with the levels of dominance in our relationship). Also, he is bi. So there are things there that I KNOW I can't give him.

At any rate, she had asked him about meeting for coffee last night. He told me, and I initially said no, because we had a busy day/evening, and I needed time for us as a family. But as the evening wore down, I told him to see if she was still available to meet. I could get Kid to bed, and once that happened, I'd just be playing on Facebook and Reddit on my phone in our room since Kid is sleeping in our room in a co-sleeper for now. He asked if I was sure, all the way to the point when he arrived at the diner where they met.

They met shortly after 10 PM, and unfortunately the diner had recently changed from being 24h to closing at midnight, so they only had 2 hours or so to talk. He told her that we have an open communication rule, and that he tells me pretty much everything, unless there is something that he is specifically asked not to share. She understood. And she also prompted him to message me to check in after about an hour. He told her he didn't have to, that I trust him (and I do). He told me that she just smiled at him and told him to message me anyway. So he did. And while I didn't expect it, I appreciated it - and her for suggesting it.

They agreed that they would like to see each other again, and have messaged some today to try to figure out when they can make that happen.

Troop told me last night when he got home (as Kid was NOT wanting to settle down until WAAAAY past bedtime so I was still awake) that in talking to her, he realized that things with the other woman (that I knew from high school) would never have worked out. That she would have been involved in too many aspects of his life... Because not only is/was she a romantic interest, she is someone that plays board games at the store he frequents (and that I also frequented, until Kid came along and made every-Friday gaming a difficulty). That it wasn't realistic for him to want her as a romantic/sexual partner AND a gaming buddy, because it wouldn't have been fair to me. And he didn't realize it until he was talking to the other woman last night. So he apologized for putting me in that position, and for not realizing just how much he was asking of me when he expressed an interest in her.

So, that is where we are now. Troop and other woman have a date tentatively set for tomorrow night. And I'm trying to figure out if I want to reactivate my OKC profile.
 
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