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View Poll Results: What type of poly origin did you have?
I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy 23 11.68%
I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before 70 35.53%
I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle 25 12.69%
I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me 19 9.64%
Other 60 30.46%
Voters: 197. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 03-12-2013, 03:21 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Morally, what is the difference in having several relationships one after another versus having them at the same time? This is a question I would like to get decently answered one day.

Of course this question is not valid for those who practice absolute monogamy but seriously, how many are they nowadays?
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Old 03-12-2013, 04:47 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Nadya, that's probably going to come up when I eventually discuss being poly with my mom. Her worry/argument will be that it's detrimental to my husband/marriage, regardless of how many times MC has said he's fine with it, so I'm going to have to just leave it to him to convince her (or not) of his feelings. My position will remain that it's not much different (perhaps even better!) from my sister's divorce and subsequent relationship with her current boyfriend. If my mom can learn to deal with one (to be fair, she had a hard time dealing with sister's divorce) she can learn to deal with the other.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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Old 03-13-2013, 02:05 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Because I love them both.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 03-13-2013, 02:51 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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My poly, I feel, was directly influenced by my reading of Heinlein at a cusp in my development. Interestingly, it was NOT "Stranger in a Strange Land" that was my primary influence (it is actually one of my least favorite Heinlein works) but my favorite Heinlein novel "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" that caused me to think about the various forms that relationships can take. (....followed by "To Sail Beyond the Sunset" - which really cemented my concepts of owning my own sexuality.)

I was about 12 when I started reading my dad's (very extensive) Heinlein collection - this wasn't in the context of assigned reading for school but my own leisure reading. I wasn't as certain about the concept of "love" but I consciously chose to model my sexual experiences after my own fashion of poly (mostly "unattached FWB" - I had stuff I wanted to do, no need to get bogged down with all the "relationship" hassle). When I got together with MrS (at the age of 18), I told him that he would really have to read my (by now more extensive than my father's) Heinlein collection if he really wanted to "understand" me (more than my sexual/relationship ideas were influenced by Heinlein and other sci-fi writers - there's plenty of political/social/religious/military ideology there as well). He did (precious man!), we talked about the ideas...and continue to do so.

I was further influenced by the fact that my, outwardly conservative, parents were encouraging us to question societal norms and the edicts of "figures of authority" and find our own path and answers. (Which might explain how we all ended up so very different...and happy.)

Originally Posted by BreatheDeeply View Post
I had read Heinlein too, but just assumed that like most concepts in sci fi that it was just made up stuff. My life is filled with sci fi's empty promises of future worlds where people live incredibly long lives, visit beautiful worlds, and of course, as equally untrue, have open relationships.
My sci-fi reading was predominantly "hard" sci-fi - to interest me the "advances" really had to be at least plausible...at least for the time they were written. I read SF with the eye of a future scientist - and threw out any concepts that flatly contradicted "known fact" - poly didn't do that for me.

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-always-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (26+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (8+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-13-2013 at 02:57 AM.
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Old 03-13-2013, 06:06 AM
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LotusesandRoses LotusesandRoses is offline
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I think being polyamorous is hardwired in, like being left or right-handed.
“Edit yourself, bitch. Edit yourself.” – Chad Michaels
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Old 03-13-2013, 07:17 AM
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Mackenzie Mackenzie is offline
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Because I was asked to seriously consider a "poly" relationship. I am here to learn with an open mind.

Intellectually I agree with Lotusesandroses. The more I look at myself, and past relationships, the more I am starting to believe the it is hardwired into our brains.

But, that doesn't mean I believe it is for everyone.

I think that is why I am searching and trying to learn as much as I can, to see if it is for me!
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Old 03-13-2013, 08:09 AM
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BreatheDeeply BreatheDeeply is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post

My sci-fi reading was predominantly "hard" sci-fi - to interest me the "advances" really had to be at least plausible...at least for the time they were written. I read SF with the eye of a future scientist - and threw out any concepts that flatly contradicted "known fact" - poly didn't do that for me.

What's so interesting about what you said is how the advances had to be plausible to you. Now that we live in a period of time where tech advances are on an accelerating curve, most of the concepts I had written off (along with open relationships) in sci fi are now very plausible. NASA has started work on a warp drive, distant Earth-look-alikes probably do exist, people might just live for hundreds of years and polyamory might just be a mainstream option someday. So where I had viewed sci fi as just imaginary mostly, you saw plausibility. That made the difference. Now I see things in a much different light, it feels as though i am awake now (not sure if that makes sense to those of you who saw the possibilities early in life, but it's the best analogy I can come up with).

Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty, and wisdom will come to you that way. - C. Hitchens

Me: Male, bi, 48, flexible
Husbanding Aquarius
Dating MsX
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Old 03-13-2013, 03:55 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Thanks for all the replies! Still thinking about it, and talked about it with some poly friends..

I've used "Why not?" in the past, but I don't really like it. (I've also used "because I can", which I like even less now). I don't know, it seems... too easy?

I know there are so many different kinds of poly, which is why some of the answers on this thread would not work for me.

The point I would like to get across, when asked, is: that this is an adventure, a journey that has taught me more about myself and relationships and love than 20 years of monogamy, a challenge, an opportunity for growth, a chance to intimately get to know amazing people. But if I say that I sound like a thrill seeker or a someone who thrives on drama, while this is not the type of challenge I mean at all...
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 3 years
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Old 03-14-2013, 10:24 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by BreatheDeeply View Post
distant Earth-look-alikes probably do exist
I sometimes feel like I'm the only person who's always taken this for granted. Out of the million billion billion (10^24) stars in the observable universe, it was inconceivable to me that only one of them would have Earth-like conditions and be populated with intelligent organic life. I've always "known" that the universe is teeming with life and believed those who thought Earth was special to be incredibly arrogant. I have no proof of course, just like I have no proof that other people have consciousness, but it just always seemed self-evident.

I remember when my husband got all excited and was like "They discovered a planet around another star!" I was like... "Yeah, so?" Now bear in mind, he's a railroader and I'm a physicist. This was actually a pretty big deal in the physics world. PROOF of another planet. But to me, it was like "we just proved that 1+0=1" (which, by the way, we actually did in 4th year Set Theory, and it was about as exciting as it sounds... which is to say, not.)
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 03-14-2013 at 10:27 PM.
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Old 03-15-2013, 02:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by ladyslipper View Post
It's a good question. Not sure I have a good answer for it... but I'll throw this out there:
"I prefer autonomy-based relationship rather than possessive-style relationships"

And to the jealousy argument, which is usually the pinnacle for monogamists, I like to remind people that jealousy is just another emotion to be managed, like anger. We don't tell people not to drive because they might get angry at the other drivers, we tell them to manage their anger better.

Monogamy does not necessarily preclude autonomy in relationships. Conversely, polyamory does not automatically guarantee autonomy.

Same thing with jealousy... Monogamy does not automatically guarantee jealousy; nor does polyamory insure against it.

The existence, avoidance, or management of all those things are up to the individuals involved and are not determined, necessarily, by the structure of their relationships!
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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