Is the poly experience different for married men vs. married women?

Thinking back to the triad I was in, my partners tended to get "cowboyed" a lot more than me, but part of that was probably that living with TWO beautiful women made it pretty clear that I had little motivation to move along. :)

Meanwhile, each of them had me & her, & I wouldn't be surprised if some of their dates either discounted their girlfriend as "not serious" (or at least "not competition") or harbored hopes to squeeze me out & fulfill their FMF fantasies.
________________

In this discussion, I can't overlook the recurring "terminology creep" problem: what is meant by a relationship that is "long-term" or "serious"? I don't get much past "anything but an intentional one-night stand with a stranger."

Even then, anyone in Monogamist society can claim that an endless series of one-nighters is "looking for The One" & therefore reasonable as "serious" (&, for that matter, "Romantic").

Or, heck, what exactly is meant by "a relationship"? As I've said, we each have "relationships" with dozens if not hundreds of people: family, friends, co-workers, the bus drivers I usually ride with, the staff at my favorite shops & restaurants, the head librarian....

To get out of that one, we paste on one word or another -- intimate, sexual, Romantic, committed -- all the while pretending we all agree on what THOSE words mean when in fact few of us have ever attempted to define them for ourselves. If I were to apply my personal standards, I can argue that there's a LOT of ongoing sexual relationships in the world that are questionably "intimate."

Unless we can all be certain that all of us are using the words in the same way, we're probably talking past each other.
All good points and food for thought! For me, I know that I am not interested in simply "hooking up" for sex purposes, even with someone I'm super hot for. I'd like to have loving/caring feelings for him and him for me, and as such, some level of accountability attached to whatever it is we call our interaction. But I know my husband seems more comfortable with a "looser" tie to his eventual partners (so he says now), but stops short of wanting a string of one-night stands. I think he'd like more of a steady sexual partner with whom he can have good conversation and some level of trust, but not any obligations/accountability. So far, these are all theories on both our parts, because we haven't ventured out into the real world, poly-speaking, and we're simply letting ourselves get used to the idea.
 
Hi tmw0602,

I have had two partners in my life; I met both of them as friends, and had no idea anything more would come of it. My second partner, Snowbunny, and I basically discovered polyamory at the same time. It was the only way we could be more than friends when she was married.

I tried OKCupid for awhile, but had no luck with it. I do think that married men have a tougher time finding someone poly to date, than married women ... but every rule has exceptions.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
In addition to a few things I've read here, I think the biggest thing that gave me that initial impression is the ever-present stereotype of the married man who has a girlfriend or many girlfriends throughout his marriage, all of whom hang on for years and years in a separate relationship with him, hoping to one day get "promoted" to wife. You don't hear that so much from women. Married women may have outside sex partners, but not outside love partners. But again, this is just an impression, and an early one at that. I'm glad to read so many accounts here that counter that idea. Maybe there's hope for me after all! :)

I'm certainly not saying my situation is the norm and most of the IRL people I've known that are poly were other bi/pansexual women and their usually male partners and generally they were seeking other women.

In my case, both of the men that I've had relationships with while with my husband were ones that I had a close friend relationship with first. I'm not out looking for relationships. And both went back and forth between sexual and platonic at different times.



As far as This is Us, DH and I watch the show together and we both like it. I don't see it in a monogamy is perfect way. Not at all. I see that show showing a lot of challenges of any relationship, parent/child, sibling relationship, birth parent/adoptive parent ect.
 
Experinces of a married straight poly guy

I´m only talking here about my own personal experiences and that of other married poly straight guys I know.

It may be harder for a straight woman to find a partner who´s really poly and willing to be together long-term, once they´ve dated them. A lot of them are actually mono guys who say they´re ok with it, just for the opportunity of having sex. Some try it out, only to find out after a while it is not for them. I have heard that quite often.

But... It seems to be actually much harder for a married straight poly guy to find dates at all. Okcupid has been very very disappointing (and I live in a big liberal city, am good looking, educated, fun and I think I´m a "good flirt" lol). It seems like poly women are scared of poly partnered men. From what I´ve heard, they either think it might be a lie to cover cheating, or they fear things like hierarchy and veto power (in my relationship those things don´t exist and I make it clear, but to no avail).

And without dates, the only real way of meeting potential partners is through activities, like poly meetups and interest-based groups, and being friends first.

Thing is, in my city´s poly meetup I haven´t found anyone attractive. I´m not really kinky or classic-nerdy (which would help, because of the well-know overlap between those communities). And I personally don´t like the "be friends first" strategy - I´ve had my share of being "friendzoned" (ok, I hate this word too and all the misogynous connotations associated with it, but in the end I find it aptly describes the experience of having a crush on someone who has become a friend, only to find out that they see you as too much of a friend to have something romantic with you). So, when I find someone attractive, I prefer to be direct, honest with my intentions, flirt and ask them out. I´ve learned to separate friends from potential lovers and, subconsciously and involuntarily, once I´m a friend, that´s all I want to be. I seem to have no control over it anymore.

The end result is that so far I haven´t had that much luck finding dates and new partners. But even guys who are ok with the friends first thing and go to poly or interest-based activities also have a hard time.

So, at least in terms of getting dates - and then, having greater chance to meet someone with whom it might work out -, poly seems to be better for married straight women than it is for men.

That said, I´m truly happy being poly! It is the way I feel most authentic and true to who I am. Even if it´s hard (and man it is!), I still wouldn´t have it any other way! :)
 
It's far easier for my wife to find men, for anything ranging from casual sex to a committed relationship, than it is for me to even get a first meeting with a woman. Women - unless they are already decidedly poly and seeking a man (and there really don't seem to be any in my geographical location) - seem to avoid married men, think they're cheating, and even when it can be proven that they're poly, the women often want exclusivity. It actually seems easier to pretend to be cheating and meet someone, than it is to be honest. Most people understand cheating, but few understand - and trust - poly. It's too foreign a concept for most.
 
And I personally don´t like the "be friends first" strategy - I´ve had my share of being "friendzoned" (ok, I hate this word too and all the misogynous connotations associated with it, but in the end I find it aptly describes the experience of having a crush on someone who has become a friend, only to find out that they see you as too much of a friend to have something romantic with you). So, when I find someone attractive, I prefer to be direct, honest with my intentions, flirt and ask them out. I´ve learned to separate friends from potential lovers and, subconsciously and involuntarily, once I´m a friend, that´s all I want to be. I seem to have no control over it anymore.

This is why I tend to stick to meeting potential dates online, or maaaaybe as friends-of-friends - I have the same "initial Hogwarts Sorting Hat" (ok I _am_ a geek) kind of reaction and rarely get over it.
 
This is why I tend to stick to meeting potential dates online, or maaaaybe as friends-of-friends - I have the same "initial Hogwarts Sorting Hat" (ok I _am_ a geek) kind of reaction and rarely get over it.

Yeah. I totally understand that. And I may not be the most geeky guy ever, but I do love Harry Potter! :)

I used not to have that reaction spontaneously, a long time ago, and would end up crushing on long-term close friends. Guess how much fun that was? :D
But I kind of trained myself out of that - and I´m really not sure I´d like to "untrain" it (if it is ever even possible) and go back to friendzone-frenzy...
Nah, I guess I tasted that stuff one time too many.
Lol
 
Back
Top