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  #21  
Old 02-23-2016, 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted by BrianneGoddess View Post
Ah Spork - I can feel the sadness emanating from this post! Feeling like that is definitely not love and he is very very bitter indeed!

Really the fact that he and all his current entourage are still there is proof of your care and humaneness. I'd have kicked them all out by now, or moved out myself.
It is also because it's a very serious part of my personality that, when I consent to an obligation, I take that with an absolute seriousness. With people that can be a little more fluid because if they break things from their end to a point, then I am justified in backing out from mine. But financial obligations....oh boy. I have not paid a single thing so much as a second late in over a decade. It's not just responsibility, it's a core belief that you simply don't make promises without doing EVERYTHING to keep them or knowing you might not be able to. I didn't get us a pet for 12 years because I was determined to never let an animal down again (we became homeless in the early days and did not do right by the animals in our care back then.) My good name and upholding my obligations is just...it's critical to me. Also I hate conflict and I'm an escaper/avoider. If I can't see the best course of action, I hunker down and wait. I am afraid to be wrong, though I'm not afraid to admit to having been wrong when I know I have, after the fact. I seem to know a lot of people who just don't care and do what they want, and it doesn't seem to matter if it's right or wrong. That...is not me.

And I also see human feelings as sort of nebulous and confusing, compared to numbers on spreadsheets that give me concrete answers.

So imagine now...it would not have been possible for him to refinance that house without employment, to get my name off of it. I cannot afford to establish my own household, AND be responsible for the mortgage, and he is, as far as financial acumen is concerned, like a child. Clueless, willfully ignorant. The entire concept of budgeting and financial obligations is like Chinese to him, he doesn't get it. Either we have All The Money for All The Things or we have No Money for No Things. That's how it's been for him. He now has a job and a paycheck (this is new)...and he keeps talking about the hundred and one things he's going to do with all this money...but he doesn't actually make that much and from what I know of his spending habits, he will be lucky if he can just break even and meet his obligations.

But he's more likely to spend all of his money, and when the collectors call, say something like, "What do you want me to do??? I don't have any money?? Fine! Fine! I'll just rob a bank and it will be your fault when I'm in prison and YOU can explain it to my Mom and my kids!! FINE!!!" Like that's seriously the kind of fit he would throw to handle a collections call after spending all of his money on dumb things.

So here I am, with my name on his house. And his name on my credit cards. And a joint loan in both of our names. Which I always managed, to brilliant perfection...but the money is running out, the cards are maxxed out, and my budget is telling me really scary things now.

This kind of setup is enough to paralyze me with a man who SAYS things that make us all afraid he might be some kind of a dangerous psychopath...but hasn't actually hurt anyone (yet) so I'm like, "Is it really that bad?" The nebulous emotional stuff, I have no answers to. But the spreadsheets don't lie, and the story they tell is that he and I don't have the income to support two households.

So I ask myself the question that Fire loves to ask me... "How bad does it have to get?" Well, we finally have reached that point. This is happening, I'll be moving out by 4/1, and if I have to default on my obligations and ruin my credit...*sigh*...at least I'll be alive and well to recover, and I'm gainfully employed in a good field, I will come back from anything that results from this. If he defaults on his obligations, I've got a dozen backup plans ready to spring into action to take my older son out of there, and the rest of that house of cards can just fall.

I would have gotten lawyers and authorities involved, maybe even had him institutionalized or arrested for some of what he's put me through in the past...but I'm absolutely afraid that if any of these things happened, eventually he'd be free to come after me, and he would. I actually sometimes think that there might be some sort of degenerative brain disease going on with him. Some of the things he says... And residual compassion for him, wishing he could be the man I knew in his best times again, if only I cared for him he might get better, has also stayed my hand somewhat. Not that I want to go back to him in the relationship sense, but I hate to see him suffering. I wish he could get better for himself.

So yeah, that's my mess!

But I went yesterday and looked at an apartment complex and I'll be going to see a couple more of them today. I'm going to take my younger son and go live in a place full of peace and happiness, I will create a haven and we'll both heal.
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Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 17, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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  #22  
Old 02-23-2016, 04:10 PM
BrianneGoddess BrianneGoddess is offline
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wow that is a lot to deal with! May I ask why only your younger son and not the older one too?

And I hope that for some of the financial mess you are taking steps to limit your responsibility for his debt - ie, cancelling the cards, moving your name off the house etc. I have sadly come to realise over the last few years that it is not safe ever for any two people to have mixed accounts. Not even in a "happy marriage". I just don't usually see it working for anyone I know. And even in my case, I went from a SAHM to starting a business in case I ever needed my own access to money.

So I totally get the inability to run two households and the feeling of "I'm stuck here" I don't feel like that anymore, thank goodness, but I know the feeling well.

The appartment idea sounds lovely - creating a safe space for you guys to heal and laugh and live and love. It will be amazing!
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  #23  
Old 02-23-2016, 04:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrianneGoddess View Post
wow that is a lot to deal with! May I ask why only your younger son and not the older one too?

And I hope that for some of the financial mess you are taking steps to limit your responsibility for his debt - ie, cancelling the cards, moving your name off the house etc. I have sadly come to realise over the last few years that it is not safe ever for any two people to have mixed accounts. Not even in a "happy marriage". I just don't usually see it working for anyone I know. And even in my case, I went from a SAHM to starting a business in case I ever needed my own access to money.

So I totally get the inability to run two households and the feeling of "I'm stuck here" I don't feel like that anymore, thank goodness, but I know the feeling well.

The appartment idea sounds lovely - creating a safe space for you guys to heal and laugh and live and love. It will be amazing!
Getting my name off the house might or might not be do-able in ways that work well for us both, but it's a VA loan, so if he does default, they will bend over backwards to help him out of it. I sometimes wonder if I really WANT my name off of it. When he's unstable he talks about loading up his car and just taking off. I feel that if this menagerie of people he lured here gets out (they plan on it, soon) and if he left, I would not mind taking over the house, even as a tenant and it could revert to him one day...I don't feel any great need to own a home...but I just can't live with him anymore.

The hard part has been accepting that if it comes to it and it's unavoidable for whatever reason, having defaulted obligations on my name is still better than enduring abuse or letting my son endure abuse. Thus far it has been of the emotional variety, but that is beside the point, it's still abusive.

As for the older son. Oddly... Old Wolf does not treat everyone equally badly. He is actually pretty good with our older son. If there is one person who is safe in that house, it's the Ninja. He will be 17 next month, and he is very mature and level headed and he's also very good at making himself scarce when needed (hence the nickname.) He can either vanish into the woodwork such that you just don't even know he's there, or he can vanish from the house before you even know what's happening and be off with his friends at the library, the school, the community center, etc. But he has a very strong personality and is very secure in himself, quite unlike his younger brother who has anxieties and social awkwardness and issues.

Ninja wants to stay there, because (and we all know this to be true) he has a lot of trouble adjusting to new situations and new schools. His grades always suffered after a relocation, where his brother actually seems to need a change of scenery once in a while. He has one more year of high school left, and he's got all kinds of plans for his classes, his graduation, his college, etc. He is rapidly becoming an adult and he's starting to think like one. So my younger son needs a new school, and a new start, and my older son needs to stay and finish up. The younger one is in greater need of parental intervention and help and support...so that is the basis upon which I've had to make this choice. But make no mistake, if my older son does not feel safe, we have close family friends near who can take him in and he knows it. We have several "if the shit hits the fan at home" contingencies. I'm not wild about leaving him there. But I understand what his priorities are...so I'm willing to give it a chance, and I know his Dad has never targeted him the way he has the rest of us, so it might be ok. I want to respect his choices...to a point.
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Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 17, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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  #24  
Old 02-23-2016, 05:18 PM
BrianneGoddess BrianneGoddess is offline
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Makes perfect sense

And I really really hope you find a place soon! Crossing fingers for you.
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  #25  
Old 02-23-2016, 06:00 PM
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There are a few more complexes I want to see. I was presented with a conundrum yesterday because one I went to see on my lunch offered me a sweet deal if I signed in 24 hours...$200 off the first month's rent "look and lease" special...but I don't like being pressured and rushed like that. I want to see at least 2 or 3 other places, and I don't have time to do that and get that app and security deposit in to them today.

That place...it was probably the least expensive one on my list to see. Which gives it that appeal. But it's not less expensive by a whole lot. And it's an older property. It looked reasonably safe, just not exactly NICE. A bit dim. Threadbare carpets in the halls. And no washer and dryer in the units, and in the laundry rooms they want $3.00 a load in quarters to wash and dry.

So... While I thought, "It wouldn't kill us to live here and we could be fine here" the place failed to blow my mind.

The other places I'm looking at today also have a hot tub which is pretty cool.

I'm mostly just looking for somewhere that doesn't look like it's full of drug dealers, that's in the right proximity to:

1. The right schools for Q.
2. My work (less than a 30 minute commute would be fantastic.)
3. A certain variety of retail, because Q wants to look into getting a summer job, and some grocery chains and ice cream shops hire 14 year olds, but he'll have to walk. The kid's got ambitions. I'm all about supporting that.

As for other amenities that are fairly common around here...hey...if I can pay $50 more a month and have a washer and dryer in my unit, AND a hot tub on the premises...*shrug*...

I am so looking forward to this. I have tons of things, art and concert posters and stuff, that I never hung on the walls, because for some reason I didn't really feel like Old Wolf's home was MY home. And the Analyst gave me a HUGE high quality heavy duty canvas paper poster of Vigo from Ghostbusters II, and I want to just decorate the heck out of everything with art and fun and color. I want to hang windchimes and whirlygigs on the balcony (lots of people do at the complexes around here) and let the sun in and play Loreena McKennitt until my life feels the way her music sounds. I haven't tapped my inner hippie in a while, not really...but me and kiddo need some light and love and laughter and happiness.

Oh, and we're taking this handsome little beast with us, too...so mama cat can stop chasing him around already...poor guy...

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Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 17, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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  #26  
Old 02-23-2016, 06:21 PM
BrianneGoddess BrianneGoddess is offline
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Oh he is gorgeous! I love the pose

And yes I think some light and music and art and fun is exactly what you both need right now!! Please keep us posted
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  #27  
Old 02-23-2016, 07:39 PM
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Such a pretty kitty!
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  #28  
Old 02-23-2016, 07:50 PM
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Such a pretty kitty!
Thanks! Well. Thanks on his behalf I guess. He's a very sweet boy. I've been feeding him in my room so he can eat in peace without mama cat coming to take his food. Well, he'll eat most of his food and then go sit at the door until I let him out, and he'll go wandering the house making pidgeon noises, trilling, cooing little sounds until he finds mama and leads her down to his dish and sits and lets her finish his food. Annnnd then she chases him off and beats him up. No gratitude at all.

The funny part is that she is a fraction of his size. He just isn't as ferocious as she is. She's a meanie, and I'm told she always has been.

Just went and looked at apartment building 2 of 3 that I know I want to check out...it is really nice, but yeah, the price tag is a bit higher. Well. Considerably higher when it comes to some of the deposits they want. I have a feeling that the third place I go see will be middle of the road between the two I've seen so far...in terms of both quality and price. Fingers crossed. I hope to get an app in on somewhere maybe Friday or perhaps next week at the latest...
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Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 17, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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  #29  
Old 02-29-2016, 06:01 PM
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On Friday I was approved for my apartment, and we have a move date of 3/18. It's in a gated community not far from my work, it's got decent amenities and seems clean and safe.

I have now had 5 people volunteer to help me move, and a couple of people are rounding up more boxes for me to finish my packing endeavors.

I expected, when I got the news, to feel a rush of elation and happiness. At last! I will have my own space, with my kiddo and my cat, and freedom from the stress I've lived with for so long. Unfortunately what followed was more of a sadness and fear, and I was pretty confused by that. I am finally walking away from half of my family, and I'm scared that in some way taking care of Old Wolf is what I was "meant to do" and I will fail in my future as a consequence of abandoning my duty. It's illogical. I just feel a vague dread about it all. And I don't feel good about leaving my older son there, despite all of my well thought out reasons for it. I have an uncomfortableness, and it's a little hard to pin down. Maybe a sense of unfairness, too, because materially I am taking a very significant loss and leaving a valuable asset (the house) in the hands of someone I have little faith in.

Unease.

Still, I promised my younger son I would get him out of there, and so I shall, and so I am. I just have to hope it works out. Analyst is adamant that I consider him my safety net in case I run into hardship...which is kind of him, but difficult for me to consider. I don't like being beholden to anyone or asking for help.

On the bright side, I have listed some of my collectibles in a group on FB that I'm in, and I was able to get $800 out of a few rare albums. I am not a huge vinyl collector, just a collector of GWAR things, and there is a good market for that stuff now. Much as I kind of hate to part with it, I need to downsize anyways, I'm going into a smaller home...

In other news, I may have mentioned somewhere here* that the Analyst has given me a giant poster of Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters...and I cannot wait to put it up in my new digs. I joked over the weekend that perhaps I should hang it over the bed, in a "VIGO IS JUDGING YOU" sort of position...?

Nah. That would be unkind to the boys. They are sensitive...

I'll put it in the dining room, so he can judge our dietary habits instead, maybe? The bathroom!? LOL!

Man I love this thing...coolest gift I think I've ever received.

EDIT:
* Upon review, this is at least the third time I have mentioned it. I am clearly VERY enthusiastic about this poster. /facepalm

Well you know. I'll take joyful silly things where I can find them...
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Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 17, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband

Last edited by Spork; 02-29-2016 at 10:24 PM.
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  #30  
Old 02-29-2016, 11:24 PM
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Default Contemplation...

Pondering my life, my people, my relationships, and philosophies about them...

I really have always felt that my life is like a great painting, a mural, in a symbolic sense. That each person I get to know and is a part of my life story, is like they have stepped up and painted or drawn their own colors onto the wall. Some are dull, some are bright. Some are all lines and patterns, some are wild and abstract, some are clear and easy to understand, some are harder to process and figure out just what they were about. Over time, some of the additions fade, or get painted over, and forgotten. Some boldly claim their place forever. The more people touch my life, the richer my wall of color becomes. This is why I don't truly understand those for whom getting sex with another person is the end-all, be-all...I want much more. I want to lick their minds and taste their souls. I want to paint my colors on their walls, and see theirs splashed across my own. Most of all, I want to know their stories.

I don't know if anyone who reads this has any interest in astrology at all...I'm on the fence about it. I don't thoroughly believe, but yet I do find it interesting. I will note a few things... And I am a Capricorn, earth and stone, kind of a know-it-all, pragmatic sort...whatever they say about me, well, it's true.

With the Analyst, I have the treasured gift of friendship. He is not JUST anything, not just a friend, nor a friend with benefits. He is my boyfriend. But I love talking to him and hearing him talk. I love his mind, and his courage. The sex is fun, but I value the intellectual link I have with him very much more. Also he makes me feel protected and supported and cared for. He is bold and ambitious and hardworking and smart, and I'm proud to have him in my life. He is an aquarius, an air sign.

Fire is delicious contradiction...she is soothing warmth, and a conflagration. She is stunningly beautiful, and that's easy to observe but then she looks at you and her eyes are like a challenge. She's got a very direct and piercing gaze. I love her touch and her voice and her laughter and her brilliant and cutting wit. She's milk and honey with a sharp cut of cinnamon running through it. Loving her is an honor. Obviously, she is a fire sign, a Sagittarius in fact, which is also my ascending.

Hefe is sweet and kind, generous. He can be stubborn sometimes, but it's never in a mean spirit. He seems somewhat submissive (in the social sense) to Fire, but truly he is deeply rooted and lets her storms pass and grounds her out when she's blazing. Hefe loves to please others and thrives on positive reinforcement. He is a "corrupted innocent," which I completely appreciate. I love how wonderfully easy it is for he and I to enjoy one another sexually, because sometimes...my lovers who need and want more elaborate things make my lazy self appreciate the respite of an easier encounter. Hefe and I are both earthy people, as much as we might enjoy fine and subtle and complex things, we also like that which is simple but good. Hefe, is an earth sign, a taurus. He likes to say, "I'm a taurus; we don't believe in astrology."

And Zen...Zen is uniquely precious to me. I am allowed to discover depths to him that no one else gets to see. He has hidden his true self from himself and others for so long, and how we are breaking him out of the darkness. And yet he has lived an amazing life and he also has stories of adventure and achievement, places he has been and things he has done. He is old enough to be my parent, yet full of wonder and newness and discovery. He blends service and mastery into symphonies of pleasure and pain. Zen, of course, is water. Pisces.

Now I find it of interest that without any intention of doing so, I managed to surround myself with representatives of each element of the western zodiac and it was not until I did that I felt complete and at peace. This might not mean anything. But I am fond of symbology. So I'll accept the symbols I have to work with.

What I feel really, is rich. Abundantly blessed with a wealth of love, affection, romance, friendship, and pleasure, with these people. Yet none of us, I feel, are so deeply dependent, clinging, obsessive, or needy, that if feelings changed or circumstances, we could not move on in a healthy way and be alright. I have stressed a need for a certain voluntary nature to my relationships, a respect for each other's lives outside of the relationship, and I feel we have that. And it's wonderful.

My wall is bathed in glowing sunshine with them in my life.
__________________
Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 17, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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