Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1461  
Old 07-19-2018, 04:01 PM
Spork's Avatar
Spork Spork is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,495
Default

Feeling better today. I went to meet up with a few people from the Voodoo community and had a really good bison burger on the front patio of this bar on the west side. Fun, funky little "old town" vibe in that area, lots of little galleries and antiques and such. Colorful characters walking around on the sidewalks. Good conversation, good energy. I needed that I think.

I come off these moods feeling very much like I was a whiny, petulant pain in the ass when I was in the middle of those feels. Like I need to work harder at being ok, so I don't put more stress on Zen's plate, something he's got to manage. But then too...I need to be able to ask for some affirmation from him when I need it, somehow? I don't expect him to read my mind. That's a bit of a vicious circle in my head, when I feel like I just need to hear him tell me that he desires and enjoys me but if I ask for that somehow I'm being high maintenance and needy, but if I don't ask for it, I'm not giving him the chance to know what I need... And he does not share my "words of affirmation" love language as a high priority, he's a "touch" guy I think, so...that whole thing is...a thing. Gets me twisted up now and then. And for whatever reason, my moodiness is not pre-menstrual like most women, it's just after (hence, the last couple of days.)

So here I am, feeling more or less better. Wishing sometimes I lived with a brain that had less irritating emotional BS swirling around it it, whether it's hormonal, life-programming, or relationship related. *sigh*

On another note, I saw again this billboard I find funny. It says in great big letters, "DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH PORN? So do 65% of the men in church!" and then a website for this churchy anti-porn organization called "Blazing Grace" which frankly in a state with legal pot, they could have chosen a different name. Because I'm pretty sure the weed people refer to smoking as "blazing" sometimes, and it just sounds like some kind of weed church. But I told a friend at one point I was tempted to go to a meeting and say,

"I am so glad you're here to help, yes I DO struggle with porn. See, I want to enjoy it, my boyfriend does and other people, normal people, seem to just love it, but I try and try and rarely find any that I can get into. I get so distracted by various things, it's like

Who did her hair?
Why is she making that weird noise? Do guys think that's hot? Does anyone think that's hot?
That position looks very uncomfortable, I think I'd have a leg cramp within seconds...
Don't put that...oh...oh hell, yeah they put it there. Welp, she's gonna have an infection. Gross.
Could you guys have maybe found a chick who was NOT covered in tattoos to portray the "Nun" in this video? I mean really. It's like you're not even trying.
No, that's how you scrub a pan.
No, simply sticking out your tongue in the general direction of a woman's ladyparts is not going to give her pleasure. That is not how that even works.
That guy needs to reevaluate his facial hair choices. 1976 called and they want their mutton chops back.

...and so you see, I could really use some help. How do you guys get past all of this stuff to actually appreciate porn? It is definitely a struggle for me, and I'm so glad I'm not alone here."
__________________
Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
Reply With Quote
  #1462  
Old 07-23-2018, 03:31 PM
Spork's Avatar
Spork Spork is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,495
Default

Well. Thunder in the Mountains was pretty damned awesome.

Mostly I really enjoyed the classes this year.

We attended:
Midori: "Midori's Tips On How To Get The Most Out of Thunder"
Rain DeGrey: "Feminine Dominance: The Joy of Topping"
Midori: "Non-Verbal Power and Surrender"
Stefanos & Shay: "It's a Trap: Playful Scenes & Non-Bondage Predicaments"
Master Skip Chasey: "Thunder Kiss - Love and Fear and the Single-Tail Whip"
Midori: "Mapping Your D/s Archetype"

And we popped in on a couple of others but they weren't really doing much for us, the teaching style of one presenter in particular was...not really speaking to us. He was sort of just doing a scene while everyone watched, and he wasn't being very instructive. More of a demo than a talk really.

As you can see we spent a lot of time with Midori. Anyone who is familiar with her will probably be like, "duh, I don't blame you." She is magical. Just absolutely magical. I love everything she does.

A couple of thoughts I found lovely and memorable:

"BDSM, is: Childhood joyous play, with adult sexual privilege, and really cool toys."
- Midori

"If you are a Dom who loves brats, guess what, I've got news for you... You like bottoming for humiliation play. A brat is really a humiliation Top."
- Stefanos

There was a lot more but those two amused me enough that they're still swimming around on the surface of my mind this morning.

What was a little bit annoying (me, annoying myself) was that my energy levels kept wildly fluctuating. There were times I felt great, and then there were points where for like an hour or so I just felt utterly tanked out and exhausted, physically, mentally, and spiritually sluggish. Zen and I only really did an impact scene the first night, and I wouldn't even say it was the best scene we've ever had. I did not mind that he was being instructive to a new friend we met at first (before said friend wandered off)...I would have been fine with some co-topping even, and I know that Zen does enjoy both teaching and learning. But when a random dude from a few feet away who was wrapping up a scene of his own (they were done, and in clean up mode, and the guy was nude) decided that hey, he had a cool toy that was similar to some toys Zen was just using on me and I was enjoying, and he ought to come show it off and see what we thought about it and invite us to check it out... At the time I was thinking "Well this is a breach of scene protocol for sure, but I don't really mind much because I do like people and he's just trying to be nice and..." but it did break my headspace and put a serious pause in the energy of our scene. The more I think about it after the fact, the more I wish he just HADN'T. At Voodoo, he would not have been allowed to do that, but it's pretty chaotic in the huge dungeon at Thunder and people can get away with interrupting scenes (when they effing should NOT) and so. Oh well, what's past is past.

I know I was telling myself I would be more awesome and we would do more of a THING of a scene the following (Saturday) night. But Saturday night arrived, and we had our dinner, we decided we wanted a nap, we went and napped, we woke up and had sex, and we were getting ready to head down (late as fuck) to the play party...and we both looked at each other and had kinda the same thought at the same moment. "I'm really tired, do we have to play tonight or can we just go hang out?" LOL! Hm. So we went, and wandered about the dungeon looking at stuff. I kept feeling like we should be...doing...something...but I didn't have the mojo to be making anything happen really. Conventions are exhausting.

I suggested on the way home, maybe we could put more of an effort into planning something elaborate for next year's Thunder. Perhaps if we have a plan, like maybe even to the extent of pre-packing toybags to specifically be Bag#1 for Friday night, and Bag#2 for Saturday night... I'd like to make it so that we're not having to make decisions, we can just go for it and do what we planned instead. Just pull the trigger and make it happen.

We didn't end up playing with anyone new. I would not have minded, but I was realistic enough about the flow of my interactions with others to know that trying to cruise for it and make it happen would be an added layer of stress I didn't want to deal with.

An interesting part of the Non-Verbals class with Midori. She talked about the "Steps of Power" and the "Steps of Surrender." Gonna see if I can remember them...

Steps of Power:
1. Squirrel check (identifying distracting thoughts, clearing them.)
2. Hunger check (identifying what you're hungry for, clarifying your intent.)
3. See selves ("See" yourself, "see" the target of your energy, the other person.)
4. "Pow!" Project sphere of influence. (Has a lot to do with posture and bearing.)
5. Engulf (Extend your power to engulf the subject of your attention.)

Steps of Surrender:
1. Squirrel check (same as above.)
2. Hunger check (same as above.)
3. See selves (same as above.)
4. Open your "hara" (vague term she described as your hunger energy in your belly, a Google says it is both the Japanese anatomical term for the abdominal area, and a more metaphysical energy term in martial arts and other practices.)
5. Spill it out onto the floor (she describes as releasing a sort of ocean of your desire and inviting the target of your surrender to step into it.)

Well, the Steps of Power thing is very much something I've done many many times in my life. When doing what I guess she would call "cruising" as a young person, even as a teenager, I would make myself feel confident and powerful, and project my power over the room, select a target and sort of engulf them in it. But my own process neglects the step of "seeing selves." Because as I was trying to explain to Zen on the ride home, when I envision myself, as what I've seen in photos, or the odd horrorshow of hearing my own voice recorded and played back...I don't much like what I've seen most of the time. So that phase for me is more like letting go of self consciousness and releasing my idea of what others may be seeing when they look at me, and trying to project my inner imagined self to the outside. (I actually have two "imaginary friend" like figures who embody and symbolize different aspects of my own energy--when I am doing this exercise I'm transforming from self-conscious me to a living embodiment of my energy instead.) Then the next step would be to stand somewhere and own my space and canvass the room. Take in the energy, read the people, see the patterns of movement, like a hunting creature watching a herd of prey. I would decide on my target, if I felt like it, and imagine dark ropes and tendrils, like smoke or tentacles or something, reaching out to caress and engulf them. Then I would move on them, using presence and eye contact. Or, if I were not in the mood to hunt, I'd simply stand there projecting self over the room until people inevitably approached me, which they usually would.

There was an exercise part, and Zen went forth to practice the Steps with whoever he found to do that...I should ask him how his experience went, I am curious... But I simply went over to a wall to observe. I crossed my arms (I'm very conscious of my body language when I do this) to indicate that I was not seeking a partner for the exercise, but I projected widely into the room anyways. A gentleman approached me and said, "So I'm going to guess that you're a Domme, you usually play on the Top side, right?" LOL I was wearing my collar! I laughed and said, "Not really, but that's kind of what I was projecting, so I don't blame you for thinking so." He said, "Wow, yeah, your sphere of influence is huge right now."

I need to email Midori and tell her about this. I wanted to share the story with her, but I didn't want to take up her time after the talk, she had a number of people wanting to thank her and talk to her. So I told her I'd message or email her later.
__________________
Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
Reply With Quote
  #1463  
Old 07-26-2018, 02:23 PM
Spork's Avatar
Spork Spork is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,495
Default

You know, I really do not get a ton of attention on Fetlife, and I am JUST FINE with that fact. I have all of my revealing shots set to "friends only" and my profile pic is of my collar, because I don't need every thirsty rando in the world hitting me up with their foolishness. My methods seem to have been pretty effective. I'm happy about that.

But once in a while...

And I like to laugh at the more ridiculous attempts. I got one this morning. A message telling me I seem to have a "strong mind" and that's sexy, and adventures are all well and good but it's what happens afterwards when you're alone and thinking about it that is the "real fun." My reaction as per usual is "Do I know you?" And I will go so far as to investigate a profile to check, because with all I do at the club, including for instance a discussion group last night featuring a number of perky newcomers...you just never know. This guy, had all pics of his manjunk. And in his recent activity, the exact text of the message he sent me he had posted in a group or another page, apparently it is the copy/paste BS he slings at all the ladies hoping to get some action. Oh, and the cherry on top of the silliness pie? He wrote in his profile that he is a "dominate." That's...that's not a noun bro.

The rest was about how he can fuck for a really long time and all about the particulars of how young and ready to go he is.

Dude be like, "Look at my plumbing! I have this thing, see, I've got one, and it's very special, and I can sex you with it and it'll be great, I'm ready to go, see? SEE???"

You don't say.

*sigh* Put it away, scooter. No one is impressed.

I should write a thing, "How to be a bad joke on Fetlife."
- Flagrant and obvious use of copy/paste
- Calling yourself a "dominate" (Not only the bad grammar, but a lower case "d" also...YOU KNOW NOTHING!)
- Look at my junk! LOOK AT EEET! You want, yes? Is good, yes?
- Attending exactly zero events and hitting up obviously community oriented people when you just want to get laid.

Now I just have to decide if I want to fuck with him, and if so, what ridiculousness to reply with... I mean, I don't get these opportunities every day. Shall I demand haikus about butt toys? Tell him to go on a magical quest? Hm...
__________________
Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
Reply With Quote
  #1464  
Old 07-26-2018, 07:49 PM
Evie Evie is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 541
Default

Hahahahahaha. Brilliantly described!
__________________
Me (Evie): 40F
Adam: 49M, husband, nesting partner, best friend
Lance: 45M, UK based, Friends+ LDR
Jen: 32F, US based, Lance's GF

My NZ friends of varying intimacies: Chalk, Cheese, Tech, Siege, Golf, Mike, Shakespeare.
Reply With Quote
  #1465  
Old 07-26-2018, 10:07 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,675
Default

I am a dominate.

Aww that's so precious.

Dominant me with your manjunk, sir! (lower case s in sir, of course)
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Reply With Quote
  #1466  
Old 07-26-2018, 10:17 PM
Spork's Avatar
Spork Spork is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,495
Default

Right??

I mean, it sounds like something my cat would say, in "LOLspeak." Like on "I can haz cheezburger."

HOOMIN! I ARE UR DOMINATE! I CAN HAZ SUBMISHUNZ NAO! kthxbai

Only it would be way more cute coming from my cat.

=^.^=
__________________
Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
Reply With Quote
  #1467  
Old 07-26-2018, 10:22 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,675
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spork View Post
Right??

I mean, it sounds like something my cat would say, in "LOLspeak." Like on "I can haz cheezburger."

HOOMIN! I ARE UR DOMINATE! I CAN HAZ SUBMISHUNZ NAO! kthxbai

Only it would be way more cute coming from my cat.

=^.^=
It would be totes adorbs coming from a cat.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Reply With Quote
  #1468  
Old 07-30-2018, 01:31 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 1,353
Default

It would be totes apropos coming from a cat as well.

PET ME NAO!
NOT THERE! SMAK! BAD HOOMAN!
FEED ME NAO!
I LOVE UUU! I MAKE MOFNS ON UR ARM NAO!
KILL DIS MAUS I BRUNG UUUU!
CLEAN UP DIS MAUS I NO WANT!

They get away with it because they're so damn cute. That dude... eh. Not so much. Reminds me of this:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/matthewgust...Ap1#.nwd7PN25n
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: 47/F, Monogamish? Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 48/M, Partner of 7 years.
Spinner: 53/M, Friend I went on a couple dates with. Divorced, Mono, "just friends".
Xena: 48/F, Chops' partner of 7 years
Curls: 51/F, Chops' partner of 2 years


Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
Reply With Quote
  #1469  
Old 07-30-2018, 02:22 PM
Spork's Avatar
Spork Spork is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,495
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
It would be totes apropos coming from a cat as well.

PET ME NAO!
NOT THERE! SMAK! BAD HOOMAN!
FEED ME NAO!
I LOVE UUU! I MAKE MOFNS ON UR ARM NAO!
KILL DIS MAUS I BRUNG UUUU!
CLEAN UP DIS MAUS I NO WANT!

They get away with it because they're so damn cute. That dude... eh. Not so much. Reminds me of this:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/matthewgust...Ap1#.nwd7PN25n
Yeah, I've seen that. Good stuff!

We joke that the cat is my Dom, for sure. Thankfully no "maus" issues...we have yet to have one in the house (that I know of) since we got Nimbus, but I'm not sure if he could really handle a mouse. He is not the most skilled hunter, he finds moths challenging enough.

Zen has taken to catching spiders in plastic containers, and putting them on the floor so that the cat can see the spider inside and "play" with it...but not actually get the container open to eat or kill it. Later, when the cat has forgotten about his "toy" I take it outside and release the spider.

So in other news of my teenager... Saturday my work had "Family Day" at an amusement park in Denver. We got free admission, which is great, since it annoys me to pay what they charge to get in knowing it's not as cool a park as some that I've been to. I mean, it's the best we have in the area, but it's no King's Dominion or King's Island.

My son has finally decided that he likes roller coasters. So that's cool. We had a pretty good time. On the way home, I was trying to play some music and of course he's not that into whatever I want to play, so he turned it off and started trying to play songs on his phone...I gave him the cable to attach it to the car stereo, and let him just play whatever.

omg you guys.

"Have you heard of this song?" It's PIANO MAN for the love of god. Of course I have. "It gets me right in the feels." OK then.

Then he played a couple of Red Hot Chili Peppers songs. Songs that were only on the radio about every other minute when I was a teenager. But hey though, they are new and exciting to my kid. "Under the Bridge" and "Otherside." Yeah, I've only heard those about a few thousand times kid. What else ya got?

"Have you ever heard of Oasis?"

I'm dying.

DYING.

No...not Wonderwall...of course it is. Jeezus. *sigh*

But you know there is something rather endearing about it all the same, even if it's mildly annoying that he automatically doesn't like anything until he "discovers" it or one of his friends tells him it's cool. If it came from Mom, nope, it's lame. Though he does acknowledge that it's cool that I introduced him to GWAR, since one of his friends in school who is in a band (some garage band I presume) knows about GWAR.

Then yesterday I got all of the most important housework I wanted to accomplish done, and took the boy shopping for new clothes and basic supplies for school, which starts in a couple of weeks. He demanded a Bob Ross backpack from Spencer's.

This: https://spencers.scene7.com/is/image...-a?$Thumbnail$

And you know...it was really pretty frivolous, just like the overpriced Vans from the mall, and the overpriced jeans from Target, and part of me was screaming about how I could get stuff that is just as good, for less, online or at Walmart, and how he's going to lose his enthusiasm for that silly backpack in probably the first month of school and demand a new one that is "normal" or something... But right now, if there is ANYTHING that I can do to make him enthusiastic about going to school...anything at all...I'm willing to shell out some bucks to make it happen. He wanted very much to do online school or even to move in with his Dad and go to a different school, but I kinda nixed those options because I deeply feel that when your problems are of your own making, you should not run away from them. You're only going to recreate them elsewhere, until you run out of options for new places to run to. "Wherever you go, there you are" and all that. At some point you have to just stand and deal with it, lay in the bed you made.

And he was really worried that the security and administration is going to be treating him badly and with suspicion because he was such a pain last year, skipping school and all that. I was like, "How many kids go to your school, hundreds?" He said, "thousands." (I don't know but it doesn't matter.) I said, "What you need to remember, is that your school's security, administration, and staff, is dealing with ALL THOSE STUDENTS and they have no choice but to focus on whoever is being a problem RIGHT NOW. So if you go back, and you are not the problem kid you were before, they are not going to have time to be looking at you under a microscope. They've got other kids to worry about, who ARE being problems right now." He thought about that and I hope it relaxed him a little. He is just so intensely self conscious at this age. But last year, he told me, he was starting to relax and be more "chill" and just have his own style that wasn't fitting in totally with this look or that group, and the less he cared what other people thought of him...he felt like that's how he got a girlfriend. People thought he was cool and they started coming to him.

This is only something I've been telling both of my boys since like the beginning of middle school. The fewer fucks you have to give, the more people at that age will be drawn to you. Cultivate your chill and stop trying so hard to please people. But of course nothing is cool or legit if it comes from Mom, it's only when they discover an idea (or a song) for themselves that they can appreciate it. Yeah...I guess this is just what parenting teenagers is about. Telling them stuff and then waiting for them to discover it for themselves after they totally ignore you as though you were speaking another language.

I think the next stage after they get well into their 20's and are figuring out how to "adult" is where they start saying "I realize now you were always telling me XYZ and wow...you were right..." I did that with my parents anyhow. We'll see.
__________________
Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband

Last edited by Spork; 07-30-2018 at 02:25 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #1470  
Old Yesterday, 04:35 PM
Spork's Avatar
Spork Spork is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,495
Default

Quick update...

Life is great! Mostly.

Zen is great, I continue to be deeply in love, often to a point that defies words. We spent a lot of time together over the weekend, and I look forward to more time with him this week than usual. Looks like we'll have 3 evenings together, before Friday. Yay!!

I was contemplating things a bit last night, and I told him some of my thoughts...just that I am so full of love and desire for him, just being near him makes me feel both hungry and satiated all at once. I am joyful that I have this. Yet at the same time, I occasionally think, there were other men in my life before him who wanted this kind of love and desire from me, and I simply didn't have it for them. Some of them were truly good people that I am and was deeply fond of like Hefe and Analyst. Both men who are so very worthy of love, yet for some reason the energy connection between me and them did not feel...like this. And Old Wolf of course...I can state so many reasons that he wasn't a good partner, but at the same time, he did devote all he had to our marriage and family. I mean, that bundle of "all he had" included good and bad stuff. Lots of bad stuff. But he worked so hard in the military, on some levels and in some ways I feel he deserved a lot better than what he's got now. At other times I think he's got exactly what he deserves. But circling around though...in my talking to men especially online who are struggling with love and dating, it's so heartbreaking how they/we/people, end up feeling that being loved by another person is the validation of their worthiness as a human being. I have known so many deeply worthy and valuable people, yet I cannot award my love and desire as a simple badge of merit. And what's so special about Zen? Why Zen? That's hard to say. It's...kind of everything.

It's how intellectually stimulated I am by so many things he likes, and how we can talk to each other. It's his willingness to listen, his ability to empathize and be supportive, that is very rare in men, especially once they are IN a relationship. Zen and I are nearly 3 years into our relationship and usually, with most men I've ever known, they might do a convincing job of "listening" and "being there" for a woman when they are trying to get things started in the beginning, but once they are together, they stop doing that, and Zen has not stopped doing that. And he makes me feel so good, and his energy is so loving. He's just a magical person, to me. And I feel like, not everyone gets to experience all of this wonderful stuff about him, he has been sort of private and quiet about it, and I always feel so honored to be let into his world. I wish I could come up with a word that makes more sense than "energy" but I can't. It's his energy. It fits and flows with mine, or at least that is how it feels to me.

So while I feel sorrow at the thought that I may have caused hurt to others who wanted what I've given Zen, especially men who on some level "deserved better"...from someone, if not from me?... I am joyful in what we share.

Another thought I've had lately, on another subject...

I am interested about the idea of topping for various things, I've got all of these candles for wax play, I have a violet wand, I've got a bunch of fire stuff, I am considering making up a sensation play kit... I'll have a kit for all sorts of different kinds of play before long. Yet always I've had this gut-deep hesitation that is hard to understand or explain. I have been trying to work at it in my mind from a different angle. When I was a teenager, I definitely was more Dominant, and what was different then? The key is in the language. I was never much of a service top, but I could at times pull of doing sadistic or top-type things when I was being Dominant in my interactions. Of course back then, I didn't have the understanding I now do, of consent and how all of this is supposed to work. I was kind of an asshole honestly. I had one friend I just basically abused. And a girlfriend I engaged in D/s behavior with, that was never negotiated, but she seemed to like. (In retrospect, based on a few incidents and how she spoke at times, I think she was actually a little. I'm not really interested in a Big/little relationship, but I think I was picking up on her subby energy and responding to that.)

So it is possible that I may actually need to build a D/s play relationship with someone...one that is not an "escalator" relationship involving tons of outside-the-club investment and involvement, but one involving more rituals and behaviors than simply setting up and doing scene play with friends does. An interaction with more power exchange to it, could make me feel more comfortable doing top things, could get me in the correct headspace to get past the hesitation I feel in topping at the "service top" level. Maybe. It is something I need to give more thought to. And I don't really have any great candidates for what I'm looking for in a sub, at the moment, I would need to give that more thought as well.

Anyhow. Last week was busy and kind of draining, but the weekend has recharged me. I got lots of Zen time, lots of rest, and I cleaned my house, and I really needed all of that. I feel great, today! And I have just had a breakthrough in an audit I'm working on, found some information that has been eluding me, so even my work stuff feels awesome.

Stuff is good!
__________________
Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:26 PM.