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  #1331  
Old 01-18-2018, 06:30 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by GirlFromTexlahoma View Post
It's freezing here in Texas, and I'm curled up by the fire with Andy and the dogs. Life is good.

I feel bad I don't write here very often, but I'm just soooo much calmer and happier when I don't blog I think it's mostly that I feel free to worry about what I want, what I need, instead of what will garner me approval from others.

Castle and I are making the long distance thing work amazingly well. It's not easy. But it's worth it. I still hope he'll be here full time soon, but I'm ok with that being next year. We're happy.

(But see, I write that, and I get all this anxiety that everyone reading this will think I'm a failure for only seeing my boyfriend one week a month, and I start to wonder if I should end it to show I have high standards and I'm not a loser. It's so frustrating, the people pleasing wanting to impress everyone shit that goes through my brain when I write here.)

He was here all week because his daughter is getting married this weekend!!! Yeah, all kinds of feels around not getting to be there with him at the wedding. But instead of blogging I just talked to him about it. And he gets it, and he loves me, and so instead of ending up in a panicky anxious spiral, I feel fine.

Hope everyone else is doing just as well
Hey Claire, I'm glad you are still enjoying Castle even if it's not as often as you like.

As for not blogging because of fearing feeling judged, you're not alone. Not me, I blog just to work out my thoughts, or to celebrate good times by writing them down. But my partner Pixi has quit Facebook because every time she wrote a post there, no matter how innocuous, she'd spend a couple days wondering and worrying what people would think of her, how they would respond (or fearing no responses!)!

It comes from her childhood where she was brainwashed into the stupid "what would the neighbors think?" mindset. What some neighbors might think was deemed by her parents to be more important than what the individual or family members thought or needed to do. It all comes down to our constant conflict between individual needs and independence coming first, or the needs for community unity, I guess. Common thread in humanity.

I'm glad you've avoiding blogging if all it brought was anxiety! That's healthy. And I wish you continued joy in your relationships.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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  #1332  
Old 01-20-2018, 03:27 AM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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Thanks Mags! Even though I'm not posting much I still lurk here, and I love reading that you and Pixi are doing well!

I'm the same way with facebook, avoid it as much as I can... It sets off endless mental loops of comparing myself to everyone and feeling like I have to compete in some weird undefined contest. I wish I could do the journal-y thing, celebrate the good stuff, like you said. But it feels like gloating and bragging No wonder social media fucks with my head - I don't want to "brag" and then I feel bad everyone else is posting good stuff and I'm not

The other thing about blogging less is it forces me to talk to my guys about issues, instead of just wailing into the void. It's helpful if the blogging is sorting out your feelings before you talk to a partner - but I was writing here so much that I felt "processed out" and didn't talk to the people in my real life.

Like with castles daughter 's wedding ... I was fine all weekend, doing stuff with Andy, but then once the pictures started rolling in? I lost it. Actually thought about writing here but I was crying too hard to see to type. So I (gasp) talked to Castle. Cried on the phone for an hour about how it TOTALLY FUCKING SUCKS to be excluded from his big life events. How it feels like a punishment for sleeping with him, almost, since if we were platonic friends then Andy and I could easily have been on the (500 person, jfc) guest list. And he listened. We talked about ways to make it easier. It helped. Much more than writing about how miserable I was But hiding it from him would have

In other life stuff - old sick dog is older and sicker. She's still happy, and not in any severe pain, dogs get much better pain management than people these days. She still snuggles and wiggles and loves to eat. But she has like ten kinds of cancer, a heart condition that makes surgery for the cancer too risky, and now she is getting infections left and right that don't heal. Sweet old girl is breaking my heart.

On top of that, Andy has been having vision/eye issues, which are super treatable but mean constant eye specialist appointments. With me playing chauffeur, since they muck with his eyes and he can't drive right after. We are both worn out from that.

And I have been contemplating a job change - I'm getting burnt out on my current field, and I can't face doing this type of stuff for another 30 years with no breaks. It would mean starting as a volunteer, being low on the totem pole, but I miss being excited to go to work. So maybe. It's not drastic enough of a switch that I couldn't use the experience on my resume and go back to my current niche if I want to later.
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Female, straight, 38
Married 14 years to Andy
In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #1333  
Old 01-20-2018, 12:14 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Originally Posted by GirlFromTexlahoma View Post
Cried on the phone for an hour about how it TOTALLY FUCKING SUCKS to be excluded from his big life events. How it feels like a punishment for sleeping with him, almost, since if we were platonic friends then Andy and I could easily have been on the (500 person, jfc) guest list. And he listened. We talked about ways to make it easier.
I'm interested to hear, if you care to say, why it wasn't OK for you and Andy to be at the wedding. Understandably, you're all not "out," but that doesn't preclude being in public and at family events together. Is it because Castle would have had to explain how he knows you and Andy? I'm interested because I think many of us (myself included) are in similar positions regarding levels of "outness" and I'm interested to hear your ideas on how you and Castle might make it easier next time. Also, why you could have been there if you were "just a friend." I have similar concerns and your experience is helpful for me. Definitely not judging you and in fact, admiring you for sharing how you feel (again, if you care to say.)
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 01-20-2018 at 12:19 PM.
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  #1334  
Old 01-20-2018, 06:30 PM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
I'm interested to hear, if you care to say, why it wasn't OK for you and Andy to be at the wedding. Understandably, you're all not "out," but that doesn't preclude being in public and at family events together. Is it because Castle would have had to explain how he knows you and Andy? I'm interested because I think many of us (myself included) are in similar positions regarding levels of "outness" and I'm interested to hear your ideas on how you and Castle might make it easier next time. Also, why you could have been there if you were "just a friend." I have similar concerns and your experience is helpful for me. Definitely not judging you and in fact, admiring you for sharing how you feel (again, if you care to say.)
I'll try, but with the standard YMMV warning - I'm not sure my issues and triggers (or Castle's) will be similar to anyone else's since we are both weirdos

What helped the most was just being able to say "this hurts and this is why"... And to have him listen and understand. I sometimes lose sight of the fact that not everyone sees things the way I do, and what seems obvious to me (sure would be nice to get an invite to the wedding !) isn't obvious to everyone. He assumed that it would be HARDER for me to be there as a "friend" and see him with Wifey than it would be to miss it. Even though I thought I'd been honest from the moment I learned she was engaged that not being there made me sad ... Castle assumed I was sad I couldn't be there as his *partner* and didn't get that being just another friend would have been fine with me.

Honestly hashing that out was a big help in a lot of ways - Castle will say he'd love to meet my friends/family, then get weird when I offer to try and make it happen. I eventually figured he didn't actually want to. But it turns out he is uncomfortable being around them with Andy there. Because he feels second fiddle in that situation. Even though he likes Andy and is fine chatting with him when they see each other. Being the "second partner" or friend at a group thing both feel shitty to him. (Not that I have a clue how to fix that issue, I'm not going to ask Andy to skip spending time with our mutual friends so Castle can go. But it was good to learn what was going on there.)

So having figured all that bullshit out, I was hopeful that maybe I could eventually meet his family and friends as his friend - because I AM his friend. But he's concerned people would "see through it" and notice that there was something more-than-friendship going on. Again, total different views. I don't give a fuck what people wonder or gossip about because the people who matter know. The whole world has assumed Andy and Steph are having an affair for my entire marriage (can't blame them, "we just like sharing hotel rooms" doesn't ring true to most folks lol) but it hasn't been a big deal in my life. I guess I'm just used to it? But Castle is terrified that he'd either be labeled a cheater or his wife would be humiliated by admitting she gave him the green light to date. No real solutions here. Talking helps, though, knowing the reasons helps.

Actual conversation...

Castle: ... And they will know we're together from the way I look at you

Me: (wailing) and you don't want them to think you're with somebody as far and ugly and stupid as meeeee

Castle: what? I don't want them to think I'm an asshole who's cheating on Wifey

Me: someone fat and ugly and stupid...

Castle : you're losing me. If anything I'm afraid they'll think I'm a dick because you're gorgeous and closer to our kids' ages than ours

Me: wait, you actually give a shit if people think you're cheating????

Yeah
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Female, straight, 38
Married 14 years to Andy
In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #1335  
Old 01-20-2018, 10:52 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Wow, you two really unpacked a lot there. So much to think about. Do you think that if a daughter #2 were getting married this spring that you'd do it differently this time or do you feel satisfied just having learned more about each other's POV?
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  #1336  
Old 01-21-2018, 12:26 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
Wow, you two really unpacked a lot there. So much to think about. Do you think that if a daughter #2 were getting married this spring that you'd do it differently this time or do you feel satisfied just having learned more about each other's POV?
Claire, don't answer Karen just because she posted lol

It's your blog. Write or not as you feel comfortable!

No offense, Karen!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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Pixi (poly, F, 41) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
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  #1337  
Old 01-21-2018, 01:35 AM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Claire, don't answer Karen just because she posted lol

It's your blog. Write or not as you feel comfortable!

No offense, Karen!
Lol Mags, you just made my day!

Quote:
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
Wow, you two really unpacked a lot there.
And I didn't even get to all of it before I had to go do some stuff with Andy.

I also learned that Castle does not feel the same weird need I do to have all "important people" know each other, or see inclusion in holidays and events as a marker of how important someone is in life. (I realize I'm waaaay off the bell curve on that one, having thanksgiving with Andy, K, R, their kiddos, and my dad was seriously the happiest night of my year.) So he did not expect me to care nearly as much as I do about the wedding or meeting his kids and friends.

But once he understood, he felt awful, especially about the pics - without me having to say it, he guessed that I had felt like he was rubbing my face in what I don't get to have.

Quote:
So much to think about. Do you think that if a daughter #2 were getting married this spring that you'd do it differently this time or do you feel satisfied just having learned more about each other's POV?
Hmmm. Luckily for Castle's wallet, kid #2 is a son But if he gets married? I would probably be ok not going, now that Castle understands that I don't want pics or details of things I can't be part of.

In general, though, with things like meeting his kids, maybe someday grandkids even... I'm going to need that eventually or I'm going to end things. It's just important to me. I'm fine with being "just a family friend" or whatever, but I can't be with someone for years and not even meet their family. For now I'm not pushing it, because for all I know we may break up over something else before that stuff starts to really bother me.

It's something we need to talk about eventually, though, probably in person. And I will try to not blog/obsess/stress about it much until we do!
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Female, straight, 38
Married 14 years to Andy
In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #1338  
Old 01-22-2018, 02:09 AM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Thanks, Claire. I appreciate your thoughts on all of this.
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  #1339  
Old 03-26-2018, 11:36 PM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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Hello poly world, it's been a while huh?

Funny how the more happily poly my life becomes, the less interest I have in poly websites or groups. The drama and angst that shows up in so many posts seems so far from my boring life with my husband and boyfriend.

Andy and I are happy as ever. Castle is here about one week a month, and has started staying at my house more. He and Andy are both surprised at how comfortable they are with it, the only sleepover related drama was when Andy had to work all night and his conference calls gave me and castle weird dreams. Maybe using the guest room next to Andy's office was a bad call lol.

My sweet old lady doggie passed away a few weeks ago, and I'm still sort of lost without her. My baby boy seems to be adjusting to being an only dog, though, so I don't think we will get another for a while. I am going to get my first tattoo at the age of 38 - my girl's pawprint. Probably on my back, she was a big dog and I'm not that big a girl, so if I want to do it actual size it's either there or my butt!

Speaking of being not that big, I FINALLY kicked my butt into gear and started keeping track of my calories. Down from a high of 135 to 127 since Valentine's day My goal is to maintain between 120 and 125, where I was most of my adult life. But my size 4 clothes fit comfortably again yay!!! I miss beer you guys. Why does it have to have so many fucking calories.

So that's my world. I'm sure I'll be back with updates once in a while but for now my life doesn't have enough excitement for a blog, and I'm happy to keep it that way!
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Female, straight, 38
Married 14 years to Andy
In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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