Triad Equality

This might be a bit of a tangent, but way back when I first joined this board there was a thread from a couple that had a committed triad with a third that didn't work out. It basically amounted to something like "Our third didn't behave the way we wanted her to in the relationship. What went wrong?"

Most of the answers consisted of all sorts of speculation about whether she was honest, really poly, etc. I really had to facepalm all the vilification of her. I'm kind of seeing the same thing here. The only piece of info I can glean from all of this is what Alex said. It seems that there are different goals at play here. But I can't speculate as to Anne's goals because her voice hasn't been at the table.

Now perhaps people will think this is another "think about the third" soapbox post, but rest assured I would have the very same issue if it were a member of the couple what wasn't represented. It just so happens, that it's usually the third's voice that get's heard the least around here.


I agree it's all speculation when we aren't hearing all sides. That is why I said it sounds like a compromisable issue-not "well Violet is all correct and Anne's a you know what".
Anne (or HMA) may have VERY valid reasons for wanting triple rings.

NO PROBLEM! I'm right there with ya!

But surely we aren't going to throw away expensive jewelry just because we enhanced the relationship?????

I talked with Maca about it last night-because I was curious on his take, I knew mine. He and I agreed-it just seems like a big huge to-do over nothing.
She wants to keep a wedding ring.. AND SO?

A ring does not a marriage make.
A ring does not a triad make
A ring does not a marriage break.
A ring does not a triad break.

I could make that list go miles with examples! It's only symbolic of her commitment to HMA, BUT it is not symbolic of a lack of commitment to another.

ANY mother can acknowledge that just because they wear a wedding ring DOES NOT mean that they are not equally committed to their child... I have a mothers ring now-great, fun for me. But prior to getting it-I was still just as devoted to my children as I am my husband and I am still just as devoted to my husband even though I wear a ring on my right hand for GreenGecko.
 
But surely we aren't going to throw away expensive jewelry just because we enhanced the relationship?????

If I were a third, I would not want to be considered an enhancement (which is probably why I won't be being a third any time soon), but I understand what you mean. And I don't think it's necessary either. There are always ways to compromise, but compromise can only happen when all members of the relationship are willing to let go of something they're clinging to. But I get the sense that the ring is but one of the issues at play here.
 
I would definitely like to hear Anne's point of view, Ceoli. In her words.

Yep.


I disagree that we dont hear the "thirds" view alot round here... We recently had Sweetie, GreenGecko and Of course we have Aussielover... All "thirds" making it work in their own ways. And Of Course Mono... The Third who isnt a third. ;)

And I think be "enhancing" the relationship LR meant "extending/opening" the relationship.
 
Yep.


I disagree that we dont hear the "thirds" view alot round here... We recently had Sweetie, GreenGecko and Of course we have Aussielover... All "thirds" making it work in their own ways. And Of Course Mono... The Third who isnt a third. ;)

And I think be "enhancing" the relationship LR meant "extending/opening" the relationship.

That's a good point. There have been quite a few more since I joined the boards, but I still feel the absence of many voices when discussions like this come up. Not just this one particularly, but in general. It's always lovely to hear how people are making it work. It's also important to hear those voices when things are not working.

And while I know what LR meant by enhancing, I think the way language is used can be pretty important, which is why I brought that up.
 
If I were a third, I would not want to be considered an enhancement (which is probably why I won't be being a third any time soon), but I understand what you mean. And I don't think it's necessary either. There are always ways to compromise, but compromise can only happen when all members of the relationship are willing to let go of something they're clinging to. But I get the sense that the ring is but one of the issues at play here.

I don't really know how to put it-because the reality is if one relationship already exists-you are enhancing it if you add anything to it....

Not like 'oh I upgraded my tv'.. .
but what is a good term?

I think for me I would MUCH prefer a quad... I can't exactly define why... I think I could have done a healthy, functional triad with greengecko and my exgirlfriend... but that's not the dynamic now.

Married to Maca, my preference would be a quad.

BUT I agree that the bottom line is that if such a huge battle is coming over a ring-then it at least highly suggests that something else is brewing.

:(
 
You all are too fast for me tonight!! :)

I have a friend battling with her hubby who is venting on the phone-and I cna't keep up. ;)

Words what they are, I love your ways of expressing things Ceoli!!!
 
I don't really know how to put it-because the reality is if one relationship already exists-you are enhancing it if you add anything to it....

Not like 'oh I upgraded my tv'.. .
but what is a good term?

That's probably a whole other thread! A lot of that has to do with points of view and all sorts of things. There's a lot of existential stuff to be covered in something like that :)
 
I don't really know how to put it-because the reality is if one relationship already exists-you are enhancing it if you add anything to it....

Not like 'oh I upgraded my tv'.. .
but what is a good term?


Funny the reference I had used before editing was "turbo charging" an already awesome car. :p
 
There have been quite a few more since I joined the boards, but I still feel the absence of many voices when discussions like this come up. Not just this one particularly, but in general.

Just to address this point...Honestly after being ASKED to share my point of view on some things, and writing a rather long post about it, and then NO replies, I'm a little discourraged and feel like wtf is the point of me saying anything when I'll just be ignored. Especially one with so much meaning and me exposing my feelings on quite a few things. I'm an introvert by nature and that was a bit difficult for me to do in the first place.

Addressing this issue... when I was married, I NEVER took off my ring. It wasn't my marriage, but it was the symbol for it, like some of the other ladies have said. When I DID take it off, I was serious and the marriage was really over.
I would never expect either SG or AB to take off their rings. Just because they were married and THEN I came along. My joining the relationship doesn't diminish what they have, so why should they have to give up something important that symbolizes their marriage. Eventually I would like to have something for all three of us. But again, that would be in addition to their current rings.
 
that would be in addition to their current rings.

That's perfect! I can't imagine anyone having an issue with this. I will eventually get my own ring...an addition to my existing tattoo ring In have. I just have to wait for Redpepper to be comfortable with it. Lots of time!!
 
Back to Violet!

Is it the issue of the rings that's the problem or is it the feelings that it has brought up?

Sounds more like there are three people with different wants, needs and desires and you haven't found a common ground. If the symbolism of a ring is important, it should be considered with the respect deserved.

Going for a drive to capture a little bit of one on one time, Hell Ya! Every kind of relationship needs alone time, one on one and 'family' time to remain in a healthy balance!

Kids,,,,,big issue! If opinions and desires to have or not to have are so different you need to back up the truck and properly address this. A child isn't given the choice of what type dynamic they are birthed into. We are the parents of 6 now adult children between us, they may be 'raised' but we are parents for life! This is one issue that can not be put aside, it won't go away,
and the ramifications can be far reaching!

I truly hurt for you Violet, I have known many of the same feelings. I wish you all the best and hope you can find what is right for the three of you!

Hugs!
 
oh I have so much to say....

agreed- the ring thing to me indicates bigger fish to fry...

The issue over marriage and babies?
Babies are forever, marriage isn't.... it's by far a bigger commitment...!!!! Be careful with that violet. You my think that it means something to be married to HMA, but if he were to have a kid with Anne, by default his attention would be going there. At least it should be going there.

Ceoli- I remembering you saying to me once, after you dated that couple, that you would like to have a "V" as I have. I suggest to you that perhaps you are feeling misunderstood because you don't have what you seek yet. It seems to me that the other "thirds" on this forum are largely happy with their position and are quite comfy and feeling loved and needed in their situations. Aussielover seems so and I know Mono seems so... (okay Mono, lets face it, this thing we have is pretty damned close to a triad in terms of what we speak of anyway). Perhaps you need to listen to that in yourself and begin seeking out primary relationships. This man you are getting to know on the west coast cannot offer you this situation. He sounds lovely and you sound excited and perhaps I am reading too much into your investment here, but he is just good while you could be seeking GREAT! Because you are seeking out good, you are maybe wasting the time you should be using to have GREAT!

Further more, .......and I'm so sorry for taking over this thread violet, but I have been thinking hard about you Ceoli and have finally thought what this might all be for you.... I think that perhaps because you have so much hard earned experience and wisdom about being a third, that is largely what you share on here. I would ask if maybe that keeps you in it? You are a strong advocate for the rights of thirds for sure, but perhaps you can let that go a bit and think about what direction you want to go now.

one last thing to violet, to get back on topic, and for the record...... I am a little shocked that you would allow anyone to tell you what you can and cannot do with your wedding ring. Once that sucker is on your finger, it's yours and for you to do as you will with it. I have been wearing mine on my right hand as I have lost a lot of weight and it doesn't fit, not to mention out of respect for Mono,,,, although it occurs to me of late that it looks like we are married when we are together and I like that.... a lot..... heh:D
 
Ceoli- I remembering you saying to me once, after you dated that couple, that you would like to have a "V" as I have. I suggest to you that perhaps you are feeling misunderstood because you don't have what you seek yet. It seems to me that the other "thirds" on this forum are largely happy with their position and are quite comfy and feeling loved and needed in their situations. Aussielover seems so and I know Mono seems so... (okay Mono, lets face it, this thing we have is pretty damned close to a triad in terms of what we speak of anyway). Perhaps you need to listen to that in yourself and begin seeking out primary relationships. This man you are getting to know on the west coast cannot offer you this situation. He sounds lovely and you sound excited and perhaps I am reading too much into your investment here, but he is just good while you could be seeking GREAT! Because you are seeking out good, you are maybe wasting the time you should be using to have GREAT!

Further more, .......and I'm so sorry for taking over this thread violet, but I have been thinking hard about you Ceoli and have finally thought what this might all be for you.... I think that perhaps because you have so much hard earned experience and wisdom about being a third, that is largely what you share on here. I would ask if maybe that keeps you in it? You are a strong advocate for the rights of thirds for sure, but perhaps you can let that go a bit and think about what direction you want to go now.


I'm going to respectfully disagree with that assessment. As I have said repeatedly, I have no issues with healthy triad relationships working for others even though I know that such a situation wouldn't work for me. However, what I haven been saying seems to be being viewed through a different lens. What kept me in the debate initially was that SG seemed to be viewing everything I said through that lens and continually took issue with things that I neither said nor implied. Other issues I've been bringing up have to do with issues I see in their dynamic, not issues I have with the dynamic itself. And acknowledging that there's a huge piece of this dynamic that people are missing yet still judging on. It seems that trying to create an equal triad is placing a lot of strain on the relationship and it seems that forcing this relationship into that specific structure is causing a lot of pain for Violet and probably for the other members too. This is not the same as fighting for the rights of the third.

This isn't about me or my search for a primary. I'm very happy with where I'm at at the moment and happy with what relationships I have budding. I don't expect that part to be understood. This is about recognizing and calling out some very serious issues that I see from my perspective and that's it. And apparently it's a lot of work for that perspective to be understood and not lambasted at times. But since it's not about me, I don't take it with me off the page. If you have any further questions or issues about it, feel free to PM me.
 
Last edited:
Nope, no questions. It was all just a thought and none of my business, so I will leave it. I hope I haven't offended. That wasn't my intent either. I just have a feeling there is more going on for you than we read here. Its not our business and you certainly don't have to talk about it here. Of course I could be completely wrong. It wouldn't be the first time :) I hope you understand that I ask out of caring, not out of judgement or anything else. I'm sorry I said anything. Carry on...
 
No worries and no offense taken! I've laid my relationship stuff out there, not much more to tell really :)
 
Just so you know Ceoli I would PM you if I could from my phone. It doesn't sound like there is more to say anyway. :) unless you have something private to add.
 
Last edited:
Just to address this point...Honestly after being ASKED to share my point of view on some things, and writing a rather long post about it, and then NO replies, I'm a little discourraged and feel like wtf is the point of me saying anything when I'll just be ignored. Especially one with so much meaning and me exposing my feelings on quite a few things. I'm an introvert by nature and that was a bit difficult for me to do in the first place.

I know for me-I look for all the new threads-but particularly this last week NONE of the threads show up dark (used to be all new ones showed up darker and any that had new posts since I'd viewed them did as well).
So I'm left scrolling around endlessly trying to recall if I've read something or not. Put that together with 2-3 days when ALL the first page and some of the second in a few places were new. Heck-Run out of time then!!
 
I know for me-I look for all the new threads-but particularly this last week NONE of the threads show up dark (used to be all new ones showed up darker and any that had new posts since I'd viewed them did as well).
So I'm left scrolling around endlessly trying to recall if I've read something or not. Put that together with 2-3 days when ALL the first page and some of the second in a few places were new. Heck-Run out of time then!!

It was the post I wrote in the Relationship structures, triads, unicorns and all that... thread.
 
Back
Top