not sure what to do

leslie

New member
I am married to a wonderful man whom I love very much. When we got married i agreed to work with him on having a poly relationship. Everything we discussed was about my being involved with a third person. With all of us being friends and potentially lovers. It sounded lovely but we didn't have anyone in mind.
Recently my husband got a job where he met a transgender MTF, that he has become very attracted to. The feeling is mutual between them. We have done a lot of things with A., as a threesome that are just fun. Increasingly, my husband has been sharing his fantasies with me. He is really turned on by A and wants to go on dates and be more sexual with her.
He is a kind person and we have talked a lot about how to ease into this, as we are newly wed, and just new to poly. We have a lot of knowledge about poly relationships, but very little positive experience.
About a year ago, he wanted to visit a HS girlfriend for the weekend, and that didn't work out very well with everyone feeling hurt and abandoned.
We learned to increase the communication, but I am still wary from that, I guess.
We made several agreements when my husband started dating, and he pretty much stuck to them, with some small variations that pushed my buttons.
It seems that my husband keeps misunderstanding exactly what we have agreed to and pushes the boundaries, then acts like he couldn't possibly have known that it would bother me.
An example of this is an agreement that they go to dinner together and then play pool. Instead, they ended up in her apartment to watch a movie together.
It felt like he upped the level of intimacy without talking to me, but he thought it was fine.
Anyway, we usually have good communication, but I am experiencing a lot of anxiety when he goes on a date with her. I am working on my insecurities with a therapist, and often feel like this is a good thing for our relationship, it brings us closer and gets us to talk about important issues, but I am also feeling like i wish I had never agreed to even consider poly. It brings me a lot of heart ache and sadness, too.
What should I do? The last conversation we had, I asked him to end the sexual aspect of the friendship and have us try to get back to the fun we used to have as three friends who like each other.
There is a whole other matter of the fact that they work in an office together that I have not discussed here, but I worry about, too.
thanks for listening.
Leslie
 
Recently my husband got a job where he met a transgender MTF, that he has become very attracted to. The feeling is mutual between them. We have done a lot of things with A., as a threesome that are just fun. Increasingly, my husband has been sharing his fantasies with me. He is really turned on by A and wants to go on dates and be more sexual with her...

It seems that my husband keeps misunderstanding exactly what we have agreed to and pushes the boundaries, then acts like he couldn't possibly have known that it would bother me.
An example of this is an agreement that they go to dinner together and then play pool. Instead, they ended up in her apartment to watch a movie together.
It felt like he upped the level of intimacy without talking to me, but he thought it was fine.

Yeah, big difference between a date out in public and an intimate date cuddling at home on the couch. I hope he learns to take the boundaries you 2 have agreed on more seriously. Going more slowly will give you more time to get used to it, and reduce jealousy.

What should I do? The last conversation we had, I asked him to end the sexual aspect of the friendship and have us try to get back to the fun we used to have as three friends who like each other.

Nice fantasy, but when the sexy feelings start, you can't really turn them off. You know the expression NRE? New relationship energy. Infatuation. Those hormones are hard to fight and they can make us do crazy things, and in poly that can mean not taking our primary's feelings under consideration as much as we should.

There is a whole other matter of the fact that they work in an office together that I have not discussed here, but I worry about, too.
thanks for listening.
Leslie

Keep working on things! Communicate, communicate, communicate.
 
An example of this is an agreement that they go to dinner together and then play pool. Instead, they ended up in her apartment to watch a movie together.
It felt like he upped the level of intimacy without talking to me, but he thought it was fine.

I have to say that should anybody try to micromanage my dates in any fashion, that would be the end of any relationship with that person.

My wife wants to dictate what I can and can't do on a date with somebody else? I'm filing for divorce the following business day. Homey don't play that game. I don't provide schedules and itineraries nor play-by-play descriptions. I certainly don't need permission as to how I engage in my other relationships.
 
As newcomers to poly we agreed to take things very slowly, it is what suited both of us. My husband is still very cautious about having a sexual relationship with this person due to their working in a small office together. He has also let the person know that we are happily married and intend to stay that way.
Perhaps you do not conduct your relationships this way, which is fine.
I think that most likely you would want to divorce me, as I would you.
Thanks for responding to my post, it did make me think.
 
As newcomers to poly we agreed to take things very slowly, it is what suited both of us.
Hmm, well, since your husband keeps pushing the boundaries and then doesn't understand where the problem is when you feel hurt, I would think that either he doesn't really agree to them as much as you think, may not be clear about what the boundaries are, or that the boundaries are excessively restrictive.

I understand that you want things to move slowly so that you can handle it, but maybe there's a different way to do that than micromanaging his dating activities. I do think it's a good and productive thing to address your insecurities in therapy, but maybe you have to let go a bit and trust.
 
Thank you, that was helpful.
I agree that micromanaging is destructive. Interesting idea to let go and trust. How do you do that? It is a mystery to me how people can trust one another. I have been so hurt in the past, I have a lot of healing to do. I am not really sure that Polyamory is filling my needs. I think intellectually, I am totally on board, but my emotional state is pretty fragile.
 
I have to say that should anybody try to micromanage my dates in any fashion, that would be the end of any relationship with that person.

My wife wants to dictate what I can and can't do on a date with somebody else? I'm filing for divorce the following business day. Homey don't play that game. I don't provide schedules and itineraries nor play-by-play descriptions. I certainly don't need permission as to how I engage in my other relationships.

Wow, really? If miss pixi tells me she is going on a date with someone new and it's for dinner out, I expect her to have dinner out! I'd be quite upset if she spent the evening in instead. And I'm experienced in poly. At the very least I'd want a text from her telling me the plans had changed. And leslie and her h are just trying this for the first time. Once the relationship is established and everyone is cool, then of course, things can be more flexible.

It seems that my husband keeps misunderstanding exactly what we have agreed to and pushes the boundaries, then acts like he couldn't possibly have known that it would bother me.

We talk about communication and boundaries all the time here. If your dh really doesnt understand why you need a certain boundary, he may find it too restrictive and keep pushing the envelope.

You say you have trouble trusting anyone. If you're really emotionally fragile around this issue, for a number of reasons, you may need to work on that, even get therapy for it. But meanwhile, have you let your h know your general feelings about (not) trusting anyone?

Try reading around the links on this site

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolycommunication.html

And keep reading here. Do a tag search on jealousy, and mono/poly.
 
Hmmm. Yeah, being clear with your boundaries is key. If you said "I want to know exactly what you're doing on your date and if it changes I want to know before you do something new so I can make sure I feel comfortable with it" that's one thing, whereas if you just said "I want to know what you guys do on dates" I can easily see how he'd think "I'll tell her when I get home," which I suppose he must have done since you know about it. It might be that you didn't realize that was a boundary before now. But it does seem pretty restrictive to me and like a tough thing to follow... a date with a person can often be kinda organic, y'know?

As for stepping the relationship back... I guess I would ask myself is it just friendship and sex for them, or are there feelings involved? If the latter, that's a harsh thing to ask. I mean, the original idea was for you to have the outside relationship, can you imagine how you'd feel if you'd formed one and were falling for someone with (you thought) your husband's blessing and participation, only to then have to suddenly cut it off? I'm not saying that's not maybe what needs to happen, just recognize that it might be a hurtful thing to require of him, and that working on your jealousy and trust issues might be the better road if you can. The xeromag.com articles are all very good.
 
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This is SO helpful. I am so grateful to all of you, it feels really good to get such thoughtful and kind responses to my problem.
I want you to know that already we have worked on some of these issues, with your help, and I am feeling much more positive that this is a great thing for us as a couple and for a way for me to grow beyond my fears.
Thanks!

I really like the link, too.
 
So glad to hear that!! :)
 
. . . I am feeling much more positive that this is a great thing for us as a couple and for a way for me to grow beyond my fears.

I really do believe that polyamory, when approached with thoughtfulness, consideration, and respect, is a very useful dynamic within which to learn about ourselves and help us grow as individuals.
 
Thank you, that was helpful.
I agree that micromanaging is destructive. Interesting idea to let go and trust. How do you do that? It is a mystery to me how people can trust one another. I have been so hurt in the past, I have a lot of healing to do. I am not really sure that Polyamory is filling my needs. I think intellectually, I am totally on board, but my emotional state is pretty fragile.

Trust comes from a foundation of saying what you mean and meaning what you say, and doing it.

There may be some miscommunication between you and your h. There may be a case of him not seeing what a big deal it is to you to "up the level of intimacy" without talking to you about it first. Certainly, if you are struggling, you have to tell him. He can't possibly be sensitive to what you are feeling if he has to guess what you are feeling--none of us are born mind readers, and men are stereotypically horrible at getting hints (hint, hint!).

Best,
MT
 
I think I might be able to understand where some of your husband's confusion came from; if he thinks anything like me staying in for a movie is not "upping the intimacy". I don't see how staying in versus going out is more intimate. It may be that in his mind it wasn't, where in yours it is.
 
I think I might be able to understand where some of your husband's confusion came from; if he thinks anything like me staying in for a movie is not "upping the intimacy". I don't see how staying in versus going out is more intimate. It may be that in his mind it wasn't, where in yours it is.

Again, really? Being out in a public place is just as intimate as cuddling on the couch alone? There is more opportunity and privacy for sexual activities home on the couch than out playing a game of pool together. This is the obvious point. It takes more trust as well. Trust between the couple on the date, and trust for the primary left at home for both of the ones on the date.

That is why I always meet a new person out in public for at least the first date.

from the Practical Polyamory website, advice for a couple just opening their marriage, where one is poly and the other mono:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/14_steps_to_opening_a_relationship.pdf

If your partner does agree to give it a try, this is where baby steps are important. (Note:Inaction and foot dragging do not count as baby steps.) Don't expect them to deal well with it if the first thing you propose is going away for the weekend with someone else. Instead, make a first date with someone else for coffee in the afternoon or on a week night instead of dinner on Saturday night, which holds too much significance as a
"date night". Don't stay gone more than a couple of hours. Come home when you say you will, and be attentive to your partner. Check in on how they are feeling and be open to listening to what they are feeling...

After your partner is reasonably comfortable with your having dates for coffee, acknowledge that it's time to move on to the next step of the plan. Make a dinner date for a week night (no sex!) and come home when you promise...

Accountability and integrity on everyone's part will greatly increase your chances for success. Prove to them in everything you do that they can trust you.

In this case, she trusted they'd be out on a date in public. Instead, they stayed in. The husband didn't do what he said he would, changed plans and didn't inform her til after the fact. He wasn't accountable, and he didn't inspire trust.
 
Mags, haven't you ever had sex in the movie theatre? Or in a car parked on the side of the road? I find that there are as many opportunities to be intimate in public as there are at home. Intimacy, for me, is not about location, but intent. I agree that he did not do what she was expecting him to do and that did breech her trust by not keeping to the plan.
 
Mags, haven't you ever had sex in the movie theatre? Or in a car parked on the side of the road? I find that there are as many opportunities to be intimate in public as there are at home.

For me, cars - yes, movie theater - no!!! I didn't think that was a common place to do it! How, with the arms between the seats and sticky floor? I think some research is in order now - I wanna ask someone out to the movies!
 
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Yes, twice, handjobs. :)
 
NYCindie and Mags - I know that in the early days of dating Runic Wolf, I don't remember a single movie we went to; I wasn't watching them at all. As for the how, it's simple - hit the late night showing of a move later in the week (some theatres have fold up arms for their seats.... in Manhattan, KS the movie theatre has couples seats - basically a double wide seat w/o the center arm rest); wear a skirt; sit in the back in the corner or find the spot that gets the least amount of light; sit on his lap and enjoy. ;)
 
NYCindie and Mags - I know that in the early days of dating Runic Wolf, I don't remember a single movie we went to; I wasn't watching them at all. As for the how, it's simple - hit the late night showing of a move later in the week (some theatres have fold up arms for their seats.... in Manhattan, KS the movie theatre has couples seats - basically a double wide seat w/o the center arm rest); wear a skirt; sit in the back in the corner or find the spot that gets the least amount of light; sit on his lap and enjoy. ;)

I highly endorse this! When you need a little sexy time, but don't have a way to get alone, this is the next best thing, especially if it's a crappy moving nearing the end of it's run. You might be alone in the theater anyways...

On topic, however, if it's anything we've learned in this house it's this: communication, communication, and communication. Notice a pattern there? Sometimes what you have to say might hurt the other person, but better to get it out in the open then to suffer endlessly silently.

Oh yea, and communicate!
 
You kwazy kidz. :eek:
 
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