Nervous

Magdalena

New member
Hi all, its been awhile since I posted here, like a year ago. At that time we were in what was a possible new relationship, but life happened and she moved on :( I still remain good friends with her, she is just awesome. Since that time we have been living mono, not by choice really, but just no one has come into the picture, until now. So here I am again :)

A quick back story, my husband met this new girl on Ok, she contacted him looking for a possible D/s sexual relationship and that was all. She was recently divorced and wasn't wanting more than finding what she called "subspace". After several emails and conversations, I was sensing red flags in the conversations and felt she wasn't being totally honest about wanting more, whether or not she was aware of them, it was pretty obvious to me. She was also unwilling at that time to agree to some of the terms we set out and that was a deal breaker before it even started, so I said no.

Hop forward several months....I happened to be on another forum and saw that she had a profile and told my husband, I told him if he wanted to he could contact her to see if maybe she had changed her mind about some of the terms. He did contact her and yes she said after a lot of thought she realized she could and would be willing to agree to our terms. We met and talked, it was very pleasant and went well. We went over very thouroughly the terms and all agreed. All went well until hubby and I had a HUGE fight (unrelated to her). I said we need to end any outside stuff until we get our shit together. So he cut it off with her (this being part of the agreement we all agreed to that if any threating or immediate trouble happened we would stop the 'ship') This was about 4 weeks into them meeting up which was only about 3xs. He told her that we had a serious situation and would have to put things on hold. Her response was fine to him, however upon returning home I found a rather rash email. Accusing me of getting on his phone and breaking up with her without him knowing, and how bad that was of me to be so deceitful. I was shocked and explained to her that is not the case, and reminded her that she understood this in the beginning. She then apologized to me for misunderstanding, but from that time forward our communication has been strained.

After about a month of hiatus, my husband and I agreed to pick things back up and return to 'normal'. She agreed to start seeing him again and after a couple of weeks I realized..hmmmm I think she has fallen for him, even though this is what she said she didn't want, what I was hearing was different. I realized going into this type of situation love could develop and it was defininatly a situation that I considered and would have to allow room for if it happened. Hop forward 2 more months to today.


After much, much discussion with my husband and him realizing that yeah she was falling for him, something needed to be done. He shouldnt continue this 'ship' if he felt nothing for her or never could, not fair to pull her along. Being that the nature of their relationship was mainly sexual, he hasnt had a lot of time just to spend with her to find out if he actually could feel for her that way, so we decided for him to start actually moving into a dating situation with her. He presented this idea to her last night, and after a long discussion she did admit to having feelings for him. She agreed but is nervous about it since she has never been in a poly situation before.

Now to me, I am SUPER nervous. I dont think she and I will ever be friends and that was the type of situation I was hopeing for someday, however I realize that I am not the one to dictate who he has feelings for. I also realize that the last situation we were in, I was not ready for and kinda screwed it up a bit. That relationship came out of thin air and kinda blindsided me, we really had only talked about being poly very little. I feel like now I am more grounded and ready to take on this new situation, however I am feeling a little weird about her.

I dont think she likes me and wants him for herself. She has never stated that but its a woman's intuition thing. I trust my husband with my life, but I am nervous about what love can do. I know it makes people crazy and I am nervous about all the nre stuff. BUT man am I really turned on at the same time! Is that normal or am I a super freak, lol. Any newbie advice is welcome, thank you in advance.
 
It sounds like this woman could bring some drama into your life. I just wanted to point that out without going into depth about it. Be aware of the possibility, and talk to your husband about it immediately if she does something that concerns you.


I trust my husband with my life, but I am nervous about what love can do. I know it makes people crazy and I am nervous about all the nre stuff.
Make sure you tell your husband this, then let go and talk about stuff as it comes up


BUT man am I really turned on at the same time!
Enjoy
 
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Agreed, I have already seen a tiny bit before he asked her to date. I noticed she was acting jealous of other girls, not towards me so much, she accepts me I think, but towards anyone else he might be hanging out with. This is what alerted me. He is aware that she is a little drama, but she is also in a very new situation and it is scary for her as well, so I am just being cautious and said we should move slowly. Thanks for the advice :)
 
... so I am just being cautious and said we should move slowly.
Good


Also, make sure your husband knows its his job to address all of your concerns as they come up. It important that he understand only he has the power to prevent any dramas that develop between himself and his new girlfriend from coming into the relationship he has with you. If he has good boundaries all the way around, this should work fine.
 
confused a little

If you are asking her to be in a committed relationship with both of you why would a unrelated(to her) issue get her put on the sidelines. That is like a second rate citizen role isn't it . We want you at will kind of thing? Also is she falling in love with you to because she knew it was a package deal kind of no one left behind.
 
Never mind. This was all a big lie. They had been cheating behind my back since January and conned me into it. My husband finally came clean. Pretty fucking heart broken right now. Guess I was right. Intuition was right.
 
So sorry.

Hi Magdalena,

So sorry to hear that. I hope that you can pick up the pieces and find some peace in your heart. Betrayal is never fun, but at least now you know, better than continuing to be in the dark. Do what is best for you and protect your heart. I wish the very best going forward, whatever it is you decide to do.

Hugs,
Skater21
 
Mag-I remember you from before. I don't remember the whole story-it's your screen name I recall-because I loved it.

There's nothing I can say to help-but I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.
 
Grrrr. :mad:

I feel your pain. Sigh. :(

WHY people do this Muppet Show thing instead of just playing like honorable Jedi? :eek:

It's not like polyamory says "No!" -- it just says "Slow, please. Be easy with my heart too."

Sigh. It is only in the human simmer that we get the opportunities to become our best selves. You are at a crossroads moment.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

*hugs*

Know you have my support from afar in your time of need, even if the expression of it can only here be so tiny.

*hugs again anyway.*

GalaGirl
 
Thank you everyone for your care. I am still working through the feelings and am still numb from all this. I have ran up and down the emotional scale several times. I am a pretty big mess right now, I am not sure where I will end up here. I just cant figure out how I can forgive such massive betrayal. Not only did they cheat, they premeditated a story to make me think they had just met, when in reality they had known each other for at least 4 mos. They made up a big story on yahoo chat so we could all talk and meet. UHHG
 
I'm sorry you are hurting Mag.
I don't know if you remember my story.

But, I cheated.

It's been a long haul to make up for the damage I caused. OBVIOUSLY there is some I simply can't ever fix. Not ever.

I don't know if either of them is willing or interested in actually putting in the time and effort to EARN your forgiveness.

But I do know that you deserve to be treated with respect, honor and honesty. If they can't or won't commit to facing the fact that they didn't live up to that standard, and that they owe you much more than a "oh, sorry" response, it's not worth your time.

There is a LOT LOT LOT of work for a cheater if they want to make true amends.

Mono and I have both written EXTENSIVELY on this board regarding that topic as we both have cheated in the past.

Don't let them off without doing the work.

YOU DESERVE to be angry.
YOU DESERVE to be hurt.
YOU DESERVE to be distrustful.
YOU DESERVE to be heard as you express these emotions.
YOU DESERVE how ever long it takes you to work through those emotions.

Don't sell yourself short.
 
I am still realing from the betrayal of my husband. However I am shocked at her attitude about it. I am so glad that we found out just how crazy she is. I confronted her and I was very angry (obviously) as they had both earned my trust. She contacted my husband and was furious that he gave me the access to their secret account without telling HER first. She was also pissed that he didnt wait till the weekend as they had planned. She was very apologetic to me, but then behind my back (again) she told him that she had to endure hours of MY shit! Can you imagine? She has NO remorse at all, she says that she owns her part, but honestly she is not showing it. I was seeing these inconsistencies before and was having a few concerns, but I had NO idea she was this self absorbed.

He had told her in the beginning that he would tell me about what was going on, and she agreed. My husband is very remorseful and is begging for forgiveness, she said to me "Why should I be remorseful Really? Wow, the denial is staggering. So she is gone forever out of the picture, as for him, its still up in the air. I am not sure I can ever get over that type of betrayal.:(
 
So she is gone forever out of the picture, as for him, its still up in the air. I am not sure I can ever get over that type of betrayal.:(

I know your life is a roller coaster of emotions right now. I like the boundaries you have up. I highly recommend taking as much time to process this as you need to before making any major life changing decisions. Although he is the one who cheated, the decisions you have to make will deeply affect you as well. Don't make them out of fear or anger. Take as much time as you need to make sure you make those decisions from a place where you can clearly see what works for you.
 
Update: So after much discussion, tears, screaming, yelling and loving, we have decided to stay together and try to work this marriage out. Also, after a lot of thought on my part, I realized that people are human. I thought about two of my closest friends that are the other women in this very type of situation. I thought about how I love them and know they are good women, that have found themselves in love with men that are taken. I know many, many people that have made these same mistakes, and yet they are good people in every way. So we decided to put her on friend status. So far it seems to be working ok, healing slowly. There are days I feel awesome, and then there are days I am full of anxiety and fear. Love is not always pretty and easy, sometimes its downright painful and dirty. Thanks for this forum and all your help Poly people..Hugs.

Mags.
 
I'm glad you've been able to talk and work things out. I can only imagine how hard it has been. I know I haven't been here long at all, but I know this forum has been very helpful and supportive.
 
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