Struggling with this new type of relationship

We, in the poly bubble, are prone to demonize cheating more than the greater social world - likely in an effort to markedly differentiate ourselves from the "other" kind of non-monogamy. But we have to remember that most people think of poly as insane, if they even know what it is. OnePlus's view of cheating is typical - that it's the more respectful choice for those who are trying to preserve and protect their family. Poly is seen by many (again, those who even know what poly is) as dragging the original spouse/partner into a mess in which he/she shouldn't have to be openly involved. Poly can be often perceived as incredibly disrespectful, even when we in the poly community bill this choice as "ethical" and vastly superior to cheating. I am often amazed at how quickly and easily the poly community derides cheating, whereas it's much more often overlooked and readily understood in the larger social world. Taking on lovers in the open isn't seen by everyone as the morally superior choice, so it's no wonder that "discreet" remains the popular option. Poly is often perceived (again, by those who even know of it) as flaunting one's lover, which is the height of disrespect to the spouse. It's a social contract that has been in place for millennia and it's not going to change just because a few people think it should. I'm a huge supporter (and erstwhile practitioner) of poly, but I really don't condone the vitriol about cheating. A little more understanding of why people opt for it would really serve this community.

This is very true. Since embracing poly, I have dated two women who wanted monogamy. Neither got the concept of poly at all. However, both told me they "knew" I would play around while out on the road. They both said they would be fine with that, as long as I kept it hidden. At the same time they both said poly wasn't love. So cheating would have been okay, but being honest was wrong in their eyes.
 
Sorry, but I call bullshit on the whole concept of cheating being ok or a better option and "protecting the family."

People say that because they're making the assumption that at least with cheating something is hidden and the person being cheated on can just live in denial. And maybe they think that IS better for them as long as they never find out. But that's not how life works. People often find out, and then they are CRUSHED by the deceit. The impacts are horrible.

The whole premise that the unethical option of cheating is better than the ethical option of CNM also presumes that those are the only 2 options and cheating is the lesser of 2 bad options! The truth is there is also the option of DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNER AND BE MONOGAMOUS IF THAT'S WHAT YOU AGREED TO! Or break up!

To me, the issue isn't "well I literally MUST fuck multiple people, so I guess if my options are cheating or being open about it, I'd rather be open!"

No, the options are, I'm not a lying asshole and my word is important to me, so I'll either be honest and open about the choices that I want to make to see multiple people, or I'll not see multiple people if I agreed otherwise, or I won't be in a relationship with someone who isn't ok with me living the life that I want to live.

The whole concept that lying to someone is protecting them is just a cop-out. As other's commented, cheating is about lying and a fundamental breach of trust. It's not about the number of relationships someone wants to have. Cheating is just one of the more egregious forms of lying, so it's going to create a bigger breach of trust for most than if you lied about how much you spent on a shopping trip, or whether you already had other plans, or whatever the lie is. Also, as mentioned, the health risks!
 
Sorry, but I call bullshit on the whole concept of cheating being ok or a better option and "protecting the family." ....No, the options are, I'm not a lying asshole and my word is important to me, so I'll either be honest and open about the choices that I want to make to see multiple people, or I'll not see multiple people if I agreed otherwise, or I won't be in a relationship with someone who isn't ok with me living the life that I want to live.

This, and the rest of your post, is the standard poly view of cheating. I'd imagine that most people in the poly community would agree with you.
 
Last edited:
This, and the rest of your post, is the standard poly view of cheating. I'd imagine that most people in the poly community would agree with you.


I hate to keep coming back to this idea but isn’t cheating or lying or being sleazy a “standard “ human view for relationships?? Is shoplifting ok because it’s not bank robbery. Would be ok for your spouse or partner to shoplift while you 2 were together in a store but you’d draw the line at armed robbery at banks liquor store or gas stations.??

I really don’t get the hair that you’re try8ng to split here.?
 
Ive read a lot about marriage and mistresses and paramours in history. Prior to quite recently, like a mere 100 years or so, marriage wasn't necessarily about True Love tm. It was a social contract to blend families, or get an heir, or to get to have socially approved sex.

And people didn't used to live as long. So promising to be each other's one and only til death wasn't such a long ass time. A woman might be worn out from childbirth at 45, after 10 kids, and die. A man might be killed on one of those big nasty wars humans are always having.

People almost expected to be cheated on. Especially women. I've seen so many old movies, read so many old books, where women are advised to let the man stray, but just keep yourself pretty, keep the house nice, raise those kids, make good food, and wait for him to come back. Boys will be boys.

It was expected in royal families in Europe, that kings and queens and nobles would have lovers. The marriage served a different purpose.

Nowadays the difference is, ordinary women are gaining more power. Women can have premarital sex without being called harlots (at least in the First World). Now we are working towards a scene where women can have multiple lovers, even multiple serious relationships. It was always more acceptable for men to have a mistress. The discomfort comes from women demanding the same right. Queens, with their wealth and power, could do it always. But ordinary women couldn't until the last decade or 3. We have more wealth, more power, we control our own fertility.
 
This is very true. Since embracing poly, I have dated two women who wanted monogamy. Neither got the concept of poly at all. However, both told me they "knew" I would play around while out on the road. They both said they would be fine with that, as long as I kept it hidden. At the same time they both said poly wasn't love. So cheating would have been okay, but being honest was wrong in their eyes.

Yeah. That's really missing the concept in a gigantic way.

Lots of folks just aren't all that bright, y'know. :cool:
 
Back
Top