Feeling insecure

simplyjelly9458

New member
I recently became a part of a polyamorous relationship. There's me, Him, and Her..
He and She have been together for 4 years, and they have a beautiful baby girl who is almost two.
I can quite confidently say that I've fallen in love with Him, and I like and respect Her just fine. She's a goddes, and she's so warm and inviting and always goes out of her way to make me feel included.
I'm moving in with them, I bought a bigger bed for the three of us, He and I are sexually intimate, and occasionally She and I are too.
I have this uncomfortable feeling of insecurity, like I'm less to Him than Her...
I don't have a problem when they kiss, when he makes love to her, or anything like that... But here's the thing.
I know I love him, and I know he loves me... But I also know that there is a chance, one of the three of us might start thinking about marriage... And I don't think he can legally marry both of us.. And honestly, if that time comes, I feel sure that he would pick her because she's the mother of his child and they've been together longer... She and I were talking about it once, and I told her "I know my place and I won't get in your way," and she didn't dispute it...
And I know I want children one day, and He wants more kids... She is done having children, and He has made it clear he wants to have two or so kids with me in a few years... Of course, I love that idea, but I don't know how She would feel about it...
And sometimes she does little things that trigger my insecurities... Like he asked her a yes or no question the other night, and she said "of course, husband," and I don't feel like I could say something like that...
Or when she was talking about her dream house to him, she said "we're going to be that couple that____,• and I wonder if she's including me in that future she's painting...
I just sometimes feel like I'm less, even though they always try to include me... I worry that She feels that I'm temporary or that He will always value her more than me, no matter how much time passes or if/when we have kids... (Don't worry, I wouldn't try to have kids with him for the purpose of increasing my value to him or anything.)
I don't think She says or does anything with the intent to "remind me of my place," but I can't help but to feel a wall sometimes... Even though she always tries to include me.
I don't know what to do with these feelings. I'm afraid to voice them.
My mother says their core relationship will always be stronger than mine and his...
 
I don't know what to do with these feelings. I'm afraid to voice them.
My mother says their core relationship will always be stronger than mine and his...

First off, unless your mother has direct experience with poly relationships, I wouldn't listen to her. I do think the fact that you're afraid to voice your concerns and feelings is an issue. I'd look into that first. Why are you afraid to voice your feelings? Is it because you're afraid they will minimize them or discount your feelings? Or, that they'll confirm your fears? Or abandon you for feeling the way you're feeling? Once you figure out why you're afraid to voice your feelings, I'd look into why you feel that way. Is it a valid feeling...have they said/done things to confirm that your fears would come to pass if you voiced your feelings? Or, is it old tapes from past relationships or experiences that are cropping up, causing you insecurity? Sometimes, that's enough to alleviate my fears and insecurities (because I realize that my feelings of insecurity are not based on anything in my current situation/relationship.)

That's how I approach my insecurities, feelings, and fears. Feelings aren't fact, and frequently, they're not even accurate. I consider my feelings indicators that there are issues that I need to address but I don't allow them to dictate how I act/react. Open, honest communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship, in my opinion. But, the open, honest communication begins with me. If I don't understand what's driving my feelings, how can I expect my partners' to understand them? I need to be openly honest with myself in order to be openly honest with my partners.

That said, I don't think just because they have more time in makes their relationship superior to yours & his. And, even if that's the case right now, that doesn't mean that will be the case a week from now, or a year from now. Relationships change and evolve all the time. As long as they're not doing/saying things that place their relationship in a higher position than yours/his, then I wouldn't assume that it is. But, I'd definitely have that conversation with both of them before I moved in with them.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Sometimes it helps to see your own words in bullet list. So I take the liberty of doing that. I quote just to visually block it off:

PROBLEM

  • I want to know some things and how they pan out for our future.
  • I am afraid to speak up to ask and find out.
    • Marriage? Because only can legally marry one.
    • Having kids with me? He wants to, but I don't know how she feels about it.

I am experiencing internal conflict as a result. I want to know but I don't want to ask.


HER BEHAVIOR

  • She's so warm and inviting and always goes out of her way to make me feel included.

HIS BEHAVIOR

  • He loves me and tells me so.
  • He wants to have kids with me and has made it clear (To who? Just you? Both?)

MY CORE BELIEF

  • I believe I am less to Him than Her.

THINGS I THINK/DO TO KEEP MY CORE BELIEF GOING

  • If/when marriage time comes, I think he will pick her because they already have a child.

  • I do not ask actual questions to clarify or clear up concerns.
  • Instead I put out "feeler statements" secretly wanting them to be challenged -- passive communication/wanting "mind reader-ing." (She and I were talking about it once, and I told her "I know my place and I won't get in your way," and she didn't dispute it.)

  • I say nothing when I want reassuring. (when she was talking about her dream house to him, she said "we're going to be that couple that____, and I wonder if she's including me in that future she's painting.)

  • I do not talk to my people directly to ask questions and ask for support and reassurance that (I am NOT less than).

  • I do talk to my mother so I can get reassurance from her that (I will always be less than.) She reassures me that their core relationship will always be stronger than mine and his.

THINGS I THINK/DO TO CHANGE MY CORE BELIEF

  • ?


When looking at it like that? Here's what I would do in your shoes.

1) I notice you have a habit of using "feel" in place of "think."

I think that leads to some of your confusion. These I've changed to THINK. You could make a habit of leaving "feel" for actual emotion words like "happy, sad, mad." You could label your thoughts as THINKS.

  • I sometimes THINK like I'm less, even though they always try to include me. (When will you stop holding yourself apart and include you?)

  • I THINK that She thinks that I'm temporary (Do you think you are temporary?)

  • I THINK that He will always value her more than me, no matter how much time passes or if/when we have kids. (What do you need to let that thought go? Are you asking for help with it?)

  • She always tries to include me. She does not say or do anything to "remind me of my place." I THINK there's a wall anyway. (Who is making it? You.)

2) Become willing to change core beliefs.

I don't know what to do with these feelings. I'm afraid to voice them.

I think YOU DO know what to do about the confused feelings -- you voice them to your people and ask for reassurance and help letting go of these thought patterns so you can let go of that core belief.

Are you willing to let that core belief go? Or are there side benefits from hanging on to it?

3) Become willing to speak up and ask.

Does not asking help feed your "secure bucket" or does it help feed your "insecure bucket?" Which one do you want feeding?

I encourage you to bite the bullet and voice these things directly to your people. I think that would serve you best. Sort it out.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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First off, unless your mother has direct experience with poly relationships, I wouldn't listen to her. I do think the fact that you're afraid to voice your concerns and feelings is an issue. I'd look into that first. Why are you afraid to voice your feelings? Is it because you're afraid they will minimize them or discount your feelings? Or, that they'll confirm your fears? Or abandon you for feeling the way you're feeling? Once you figure out why you're afraid to voice your feelings, I'd look into why you feel that way. Is it a valid feeling...have they said/done things to confirm that your fears would come to pass if you voiced your feelings? Or, is it old tapes from past relationships or experiences that are cropping up, causing you insecurity? Sometimes, that's enough to alleviate my fears and insecurities (because I realize that my feelings of insecurity are not based on anything in my current situation/relationship.)

That's how I approach my insecurities, feelings, and fears. Feelings aren't fact, and frequently, they're not even accurate. I consider my feelings indicators that there are issues that I need to address but I don't allow them to dictate how I act/react. Open, honest communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship, in my opinion. But, the open, honest communication begins with me. If I don't understand what's driving my feelings, how can I expect my partners' to understand them? I need to be openly honest with myself in order to be openly honest with my partners.

That said, I don't think just because they have more time in makes their relationship superior to yours & his. And, even if that's the case right now, that doesn't mean that will be the case a week from now, or a year from now. Relationships change and evolve all the time. As long as they're not doing/saying things that place their relationship in a higher position than yours/his, then I wouldn't assume that it is. But, I'd definitely have that conversation with both of them before I moved in with them.

I'll have that talk with them Friday night, thank you so much for your help. You have no idea how much I appreciate this.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Sometimes it helps to see your own words in bullet list. So I take the liberty of doing that. I quote just to visually block it off:




When looking at it like that? Here's what I would do in your shoes.

1) I notice you have a habit of using "feel" in place of "think."

I think that leads to some of your confusion. These I've change to THINK. You could make a habit of leaving "feel" for actual emotion words like "happy, sad, mad." You could label your thoughts as THINKS.

  • I sometimes THINK like I'm less, even though they always try to include me. (When will you stop holding yourself apart and include you?)

  • I THINK that She thinks that I'm temporary (Do you think you are temporary?)

  • I THINK that He will always value her more than me, no matter how much time passes or if/when we have kids. (What do you need to let that thought go? Are you asking for help with it?)

  • She always tries to include me. She does not say or do anything to "remind me of my place." I THINK there's a wall anyway. (Who is making it? You.)

2) Become willing to change core beliefs.



I think YOU DO know what to do about the confused feelings -- you voice them to your people and ask for reassurance and help letting go of these thought patterns so you can let go of that core belief.

Are you willing to let that core belief go? Or are there side benefits from hanging on to it?

3) Become willing to speak up and ask.

Does not asking help feed your "secure bucket" or does it help feed your "insecure bucket?" Which one do you want feeding?

I encourage you to bite the bullet and voice these things directly to your people. I think that would serve you best. Sort it out.

GL!
Galagirl

I'm crying, thank you so much, you're amazing. This is exactly what I needed. I will talk to him when I get home Friday night.
 
Hi simplyjelly9458,

It sounds to me like *she* views you as, maybe not temporary, but as secondary. Can't tell how *he* views you at this point.

Of course it's also possible that she just accidentally speaks of you in a secondary sense without even realizing it. People aren't always careful and precise in how they word things.

Your plan to speak with them about it on Friday is good. Let us know how it turns out (if you're willing).

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
What you describe does not sound like a very good situation for you.

How long have you been in this relationship with him and sometimes her?

My recommendation is, if it's less than a year, then do not move in with them yet. It's usually just a disaster when a woman moves in with a couple too soon. Over the course of one year, spend time developing your relationships with both of them and with yourself, get to know them very very well, and let them get to know you very very well. Learn each other, ride the waves that every holiday, birthday, and family event brings up, before sharing a household. And make sure to use birth control diligently until such time that you all know without a doubt that everyone is fully committed to each other in an egalitarian way.
 
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