Poly and pregnant

Ssandra

New member
Hi guys,

I've been reading and participating here and there, and I think it is time to start writing my story. Hopefully that will help me settle things in my mind and help me cope with my situation.

Some background; when I met my husband I was in an open relationship with someone else. Sex was ok, feelings were not. So the moment I fell in love with my (now) husband, I broke it off with my boyfriend.

Best decision I've ever made :). We are together now for 9 years, married for 7. The marriage was just a formality, we needed the signed paper. However, in our minds and hearts the commitment (feeling wise, not meant exclusivity) that usually comes with marriage has been present since the very beginning.

We have had an open relationship since the very beginning. Not that we actually did anything with it, except a few threesomes and my husband had a few sexual things whenever I was away for a few weeks (I live in a different country then my birth country, so sometimes I went to visit my family).

In my mind, multiple relationships and loving multiple people at the same time has always been a possibility. In his mind it hasn't. So, the "rule" was to only be ok with sex, no feelings. When feelings happen it is not betrayal yet, just to break it off right then and there.

Since I don't feel the same way, but it didn't bother me either I never had that "rule" for him. He imposed that on himself.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago; a good friend of his that he has known for about 3 years confessed that she was falling for him. I know her, she knows me, and she mainly told him so that he would be aware of her drawing away or acting weird for a bit while she was sorting out her feelings.

Of course when he told me my first reaction was "and what do you feel about her?" :)

I knew already (from their texts and the way that he talks about and to her) that he cared a lot for her, but simply wasn't admitting it to himself.

Long story short, they decided (with my full encouragement and support) to give it a go.

In general, I love that he is in love. I think it is absolutely adorable how he is when he talks about her. How he talks to her on the phone. I also love that it has given our own sex life a new impulse, has made him more present to our relationship, and in general I just love that he is happy.

The big issue here is that I am pregnant. Planned and wanted very much, we waited and talked for about 2 years before making the decision. I am very very happy to start this family. And I have no issues with her being part of this family somewhere in the future as Aunty.

The difficulty is hormones. Hormones make me cry myself to sleep whenever he doesn't spend the night with me. I have always slept very poorly when he isn't with me (on business trips) and being tired and hormonal isn't helping at all.

Another issue is a difference in how we see being poly. For my husband and the girlfriend it is great as it is going at the moment. Keeping things completely separate. They date and have their dating life, going out, seeing each other etc. and my husband and I have our home life, go out, and go on like business as usual.

I personally prefer if we could have some time with the three of us as well. Just hanging out, nothing sexual. Not even every single time, or even every week, just every now and then to go out for dinner together and then they can go and spend the night together, or he drops her off at home and spends the night with me, whatever is the case.

I know that being poly is very difficult for my husband. He understands now that loving multiple people is possible and actually ok, but he still feels awkward about it, still feels like he is cheating on me.

I understand that it is difficult for her as well. She feels like "the other woman". We talked and she knows she has my full support and blessing, but you don't simply erase years and years of cultural and social conditioning.
For what it is worth, she is not jealous, it is just the social stigma that bothers her.
 
We talk a lot, my husband and I. He knows how I feel and keeps telling me that I want to go to fast, that I have to be patient.

I'm not a patient person :)

I also feel very insecure. Which I *know* are the hormones talking, because I am usually not like that. But I feel a lot less than her. I feel not as wanted. I feel not as desired. I don't know what I have to offer that he cannot get better from her (she is younger, prettier, finished school, will probably work when I won't, isn't big, fat and ugly with pregnancy etc).

This is all very unrealistic, I know. Yet I cannot help but feel that way anyway.

I talk to him about it and he does his best to comfort me and tell me all the ways that isn't true... but it simply isn't helping.

I feel miserable when he is not here.

We did settle down on a "rule" (I hate the word rule. But I don't know what other word would be better suited...) that will help I think...

I asked him to not spend 2 nights in a row with her, to be home at least around 1am on the nights that he is not spending the night with her (as opposed to 5am). I sleep so much better when he is lying next to me, including all his snoring ;). More than 1 night in a row of not sleeping right now is too much for me.
They have a small holiday to the beach planned (with me being ok with that of course) so that will be the exception. I am ok with that, because once I am closer to my due date I don't want him to be so far away from me.
I asked him that whatever he does, when I am within 4 weeks of my due date, that he is never father away then a 30 minute drive. If that means staying at home till rush hour is gone, so be it.

He does support me in what I need a lot. I had a pre-term labor scare a few days ago and he cancelled all plans he had (work and private) and stayed with me, and took care of me. I had to get an injection (I'm scared of needles) and he stayed with me and went to see her later.

So logically and rationally, I know that I am still important, I know he still loves me just as much and I know that he won't leave me. Rationally, I know that the love he feels for her doesn't take away the love he feels for me, it is just in addition.

Hormonally though, I feel like he only wants to be with her, misses her when she isn't there, but not me. That he doesn't want to be with me, because he always is with me anyway.

He is handling his NRE pretty well. I am somewhat of a control freak and like knowing everything (it calms me down and seeing how happy they are makes me feel better about the entire situation) and he complies by talking to me about things whenever I ask him, and answers all my questions.
 
When is your due date?

It's funny, I just had the thought, your husband has a new loved one now, but soon, so will you! The delightful little baby. Consider now discussing how much you will need him in the early weeks and months of the baby's life. Those are trying times and it's much easier with your partner around at bedtime! He should discuss that with the gf too, prepare her for him being needed at home to take care of his child and post partum wife.

Personally, I think you're well within your rights to have h just spend one night a week with the new gf. Until he agrees to have more hangout time with both of you, at least! You should feel less competitive as you get to know her better, know she's just human like you, not "better than."
 
When is your due date?

It's funny, I just had the thought, your husband has a new loved one now, but soon, so will you! The delightful little baby. Consider now discussing how much you will need him in the early weeks and months of the baby's life. Those are trying times and it's much easier with your partner around at bedtime! He should discuss that with the gf too, prepare her for him being needed at home to take care of his child and post partum wife.

Personally, I think you're well within your rights to have h just spend one night a week with the new gf. Until he agrees to have more hangout time with both of you, at least! You should feel less competitive as you get to know her better, know she's just human like you, not "better than."


Thank you! One of the reasons that he wants to take her on a short holiday is exactly because the last few weeks of pregnancy and the first month or 2 of having the baby he will have less time for her. They are both aware of that and obviously ok with it.

I don't necessarily feel competitive with her, it is more like all my own insecurities are being pushed out into the open, no matter how unrealistic they are. And they are harder to handle because of the hormones.

I'm due beginning of August (2 more months!). It is our first, so there is a lot of things we don't know yet how they will work, what will happen, etc.


I don't feel like it is fair to say that they can only be together once a week, or put a limit on their relationship. It is new, they are in happy sweet puppy love, she is terrified of the heavy feelings she is feeling for him already.... I just want to be as supportive as possible and give their relationship every chance possible to succeed.
 
... the last few weeks of pregnancy and the first month or 2 of having the baby he will have less time for her. They are both aware of that and obviously ok with it.

Not so obviously, that is why I asked. As a mother of 3, let me tell you, infants are demanding for a lot longer than a month or 2. More like 2 years! Some things get easier once the newborn stage is past, you might have a nice lull of a settled baby, but then teething starts and oh boy.

Or you might get a "spirited child" who is just more needy 24/7 for years. Luck of the draw...

I don't necessarily feel competitive with her, it is more like all my own insecurities are being pushed out into the open, no matter how unrealistic they are. And they are harder to handle because of the hormones.

Becoming poly really can make you dig deep into your issues and insecurities. It kinda comes with the territory. It's a blessing really, but hard to deal with! It can be like a rollercoaster, even when you're not pregnant!


I don't feel like it is fair to say that they can only be together once a week, or put a limit on their relationship. It is new, they are in happy sweet puppy love, she is terrified of the heavy feelings she is feeling for him already.... I just want to be as supportive as possible and give their relationship every chance possible to succeed.

I'm sorry, but, pffft! Most people put some kind of limits on how often the metamour can be seen. Being in a V is much much different than being in a mono thing.

Personally, in my 4+ years of being partnered with my gf, I've almost always seen other lovers once a week at most. Right now I've got a serious bf, we've been together 1 1/2 years and Ive just started seeing him more than once a week, that is, one overnight and one daytime date. However, he has a wife of his own and things to do! That's about all he can manage time-wise as well.
 
I'm sorry, but, pffft! Most people put some kind of limits on how often the metamour can be seen. Being in a V is much much different than being in a mono thing.

Personally, in my 4+ years of being partnered with my gf, I've almost always seen other lovers once a week at most. Right now I've got a serious bf, we've been together 1 1/2 years and Ive just started seeing him more than once a week, that is, one overnight and one daytime date. However, he has a wife of his own and things to do! That's about all he can manage time-wise as well.

I am more thinking about how often I want him to be at home (or with me), instead of telling how much he can see her.

It doesn't matter to me if he is out with friends or with her, he is not with me. So I want at least 3 week nights, and one weekend day where I have him for myself. Most of the time so far it works out.

(The rest is not just directly to your response, also just things that popped up and I feel are healthy to let out)

It just sucks this week, because although he was with me, for my feelings it doesn't count because I was on bed rest and we didn't get to go out or do anything together. But for him it does count, because we were together all day.

I guess this is just part of feeling our way together and seeing what works.

I'm also very aware of giving them this time now because they won't have it later.

I'll be a stay at home mom, so there will be times when if she wants to see him, she'll just have to come over, either when I'm here and (hopefully!) sleeping, or when he is taking care of his daughter in the evenings and I have some time for myself. She is ok with watching the baby as well when he and I need some time alone, although realistically it will be more my mother in law who will demand that we leave the baby with her :) (if possible. I realize that I could have a high needs baby, and won't be able to get out much at all.)


When I met my husband we we met on a Friday on a weekend away with mutual friends. We were together all weekend, had our first date on Monday, another one on Tuesday, and on Wednesday we slept together and have been together every single night since then (well, except for some work trips he had to make and some back home trips of mine). But things moved fast and intense. And it is the same with them right now, things are moving fast and intense.

And knowing how much the need is to be with him, to be able to touch him, smell him, and just be around him, how can I deny her that which I had/have as well? I joke with him that it is all his fault, that he is addictive! :)

It does get a bit less with time (doesn't disappear though), that's why I prefer sharing to having things separate. I don't care about the sex, but the need to be with him and around him has increased a lot again during pregnancy.

I'm also not a big fan of secondary and primary labels. He loves her, similar to how he loves me. There are differences of course, simply because we are different persons. But I'm not less, nor more, important than she is.

Our baby will be. She will be more important than me, than her and than him. That is something we (husband and I) agree upon.

I think he is going to be an amazing father, and will fall 100% in love with his daughter the moment he sees her :)
 
I pretty much met N the way you met your man. Married and when I met N I broke up with ex. We just had a baby 6 months ago. I'm just now open to the idea of N having sleepovers and that's because there baby sleeps all night. If we were still taking turns sleeping all nighters would be out of the question.

So now that he's developing an emotional relationship with someone, is he going to be comfortable with you having feelings for someone else too?
 
I pretty much met N the way you met your man. Married and when I met N I broke up with ex. We just had a baby 6 months ago. I'm just now open to the idea of N having sleepovers and that's because there baby sleeps all night. If we were still taking turns sleeping all nighters would be out of the question.

Right now we are having a "wait and see" approach on this, since I have no idea on how my baby will be.

In general I'm way better being up at night then in the morning, and I do get along well in general sleeping in bursts instead of the entire night. So maybe that will help...?

Anyway, the plan for now is that most days (since he works from home) between 4pm and 8pm or 9pm depending on the baby schedule he will be in charge of the baby while I sleep.

Of course, this also depends on how well breast feeding goes and pumping so that he can feed the little girl...

It is VERY FRUSTRATING!!!! not knowing how things will be. Did I mention already that I'm sometimes a bit of a control freak? ;)

So now that he's developing an emotional relationship with someone, is he going to be comfortable with you having feelings for someone else too?

Thank god, yes. Otherwise that would have been a whole lot of difficult talks... But now that he experiences for himself that it is possible, theoretically he has no issue with it.

I know that when the time comes (if that ever happens) and I meet someone for more than sex, it will be hard on him. He is a bit possessive (which I like!) and very traditionally educated.

He actually met an ex of his girlfriend a few nights ago, the last one she slept with before being with him, and he admitted to having trouble with it....

I personally don't get that type of mindset, but then again, I am not wired like most people. I accept and am understanding that it is his mindset though.

He is mature enough to notice it and realize that it is his own issue and to get over it (in due time), so I am not too worried about it.
 
Anyway, the plan for now is that most days (since he works from home) between 4pm and 8pm or 9pm depending on the baby schedule he will be in charge of the baby while I sleep.

Of course, this also depends on how well breast feeding goes and pumping so that he can feed the little girl...

:) I am glad you're planning to breastfeed. Besides having nursed my 3, I am also a long time lactation specialist for an international breastfeeding support group.

Just a note about that 4-8pm period-- in the normal course of the day, you have more milk, but it's more watery, in the early part of the day. In the evening, around 4-8, 5-10, something like that, most newborns want to nurse more, sometimes almost continuously, because the mother's milk is of less quantity, but higher in fat and calories. So, it's more like cream, and actually is drawn out of the breasts more slowly. Give yourself a good six weeks, to allow the baby to meet her nutritional needs this way, especially as she's learning to nurse and growing so fast.

It's recommended you get chores done and dinner cooked before the "witching hour" when you can depend on her being fussy and hungry.

After 4-6 weeks you can start trying her on bottles of your pumped milk, if you find that convenient. Earlier than that, you run the risk of nipple confusion.

http://www.llli.org/nb/nbearlyweeks.html
 
:) I am glad you're planning to breastfeed. Besides having nursed my 3, I am also a long time lactation specialist for an international breastfeeding support group.

Just a note about that 4-8pm period-- in the normal course of the day, you have more milk, but it's more watery, in the early part of the day. In the evening, around 4-8, 5-10, something like that, most newborns want to nurse more, sometimes almost continuously, because the mother's milk is of less quantity, but higher in fat and calories. So, it's more like cream, and actually is drawn out of the breasts more slowly. Give yourself a good six weeks, to allow the baby to meet her nutritional needs this way, especially as she's learning to nurse and growing so fast.

It's recommended you get chores done and dinner cooked before the "witching hour" when you can depend on her being fussy and hungry.

After 4-6 weeks you can start trying her on bottles of your pumped milk, if you find that convenient. Earlier than that, you run the risk of nipple confusion.

http://www.llli.org/nb/nbearlyweeks.html

Yep, that's awesome. I love bfing <3 I nursed my first daughter my whole pregnant and about 6 weeks after baby got here. After this baby weans I will have nursed 7+ years :eek:
 
:) I am glad you're planning to breastfeed. Besides having nursed my 3, I am also a long time lactation specialist for an international breastfeeding support group.

Just a note about that 4-8pm period-- in the normal course of the day, you have more milk, but it's more watery, in the early part of the day. In the evening, around 4-8, 5-10, something like that, most newborns want to nurse more, sometimes almost continuously, because the mother's milk is of less quantity, but higher in fat and calories. So, it's more like cream, and actually is drawn out of the breasts more slowly. Give yourself a good six weeks, to allow the baby to meet her nutritional needs this way, especially as she's learning to nurse and growing so fast.

It's recommended you get chores done and dinner cooked before the "witching hour" when you can depend on her being fussy and hungry.

After 4-6 weeks you can start trying her on bottles of your pumped milk, if you find that convenient. Earlier than that, you run the risk of nipple confusion.

http://www.llli.org/nb/nbearlyweeks.html

I'm learning new things each day...

I a, planning to take a breastfeeding course next month, so it would have probably come up then as well, but it is good to know.

The reason I also want to pump is to be able to go out at times to the movies and leave the baby with my mother in law, or if I get ill and need medication, that there still will be breast milk for my baby. But the main reason is that I think that feeding your child is a very basic and primitive way of bonding with the baby, and I don't want to exclude my husband from that any more then is biologically necessary.
We have several friends who's marriages have gone down the drain after having a baby, mainly because the wife just becomes a mom, and is no longer a partner, and don't allow the husband to be a dad... I want to do everything possible to avoid that from happening!

Anyway, thanks for the info! I'm guessing that even if I still have to breastfeed, I can rest a bit more if he takes care of the changing and burping and stuff, and I can just go back to sleep.

We'll see how things work out... :)
 
Today I had a great day.

I didn't do much, I watched tv and played online a bit in the morning and easily afternoon, and went for a walk and then shopping in the afternoon.

It is kinda sad how much buying things cheers me up! :p

Anyway, it is good to have good days. And tonight he will be home early, at least before 1am, so I'll have a good nights sleep.

I had a bit of a difficult morning since he slept with her last night and I didn't sleep well at all. But after taking another mind morning nap, I felt a lot better already. It is crazy how much sleep and feeling rested influences my hormonal moods...
 
Did I mention already that I'm sometimes a bit of a control freak?

REALLY? :eek: no way! Who'd have GUESSED? Good thing you pointed that out. Now we can digest our food...
 
Well... Life sucks then you die.

Posting here (even though some probably consider me very neurotic and obsessive) has helped so much.

I just got news from the doctor that 1. I am at risk for GD (gestational diabetes) and 2. I should still refrain from having sex with my husband for a while more.

The first one sucks, but we will only know for sure with a second test. And even if that is the case, usually it can be controlled with diet.

The second one is really annoying.

Before my husband had his girlfriend, we had a very different libido. Although mine has gone down with pregnancy (from preferably every day, to several times a week), due to complications we haven't been together much. I think during the entire pregnancy we've had sex maybe 5 or 6 times (due to morning sickness, placenta previa, infections, contractions, etc).

And now he has this NRE going on, has sex multiple times whenever he can with his girlfriend, and I cannot even enjoy the "left overs". I don't mean left overs in a bad way, but this new sexual energy has carried over to him at home as well, and now I cannot even enjoy it.

This sucks big time.

I think it is healthy how he feels now, and I love seeing him being more sexual, but at the same time there is a tiny selfish part of me that wishes for him to go back to his usual state of not caring about sex. It would make it easier for me.


This entire situation is just badly timed. One year earlier, one year later and everything would be so much easier!

On a positive note though, she is coming to the first aid for babies course! I like that because it means that she plans to stay involved in his life (which will obviously include his daughter) and because it is a chance to all be together in a neutral environment and have things be more and more normal.

He is taking her on a short holiday (4 days, 3 nights) in 2 weeks, which I'm happy about. The plan was first for them to go later, but I don't feel comfortable with having him be so far away, so close to my due date.

After their holiday, he will spend less and less nights away the closer that we are to my due date. I feel bad for her, but luckily she understands that that is the way it is.

We talked today about how much and in which way does he want her to be involved in his life. She is involving him in her life, introducing him to her friends, some family, etc, but for now she is not really involved in his life. He doesn't know yet, nor does he know how much she wants to be involved in his life. It will be difficult, because all his friends know me as his wife so having "the talk" with them might not go over well, especially not with the wifes of his friends... but we will see. It is up to them, I'll be here if anyone needs confirmation that I'm ok with it.

I will invite her to my baby shower that will be with just friends (my husband will not be there), and I think, unless she has other plans) that she will be there. The good thing about that is that some of her friends, who I know as well, will be invited as well and can see first hand that I am still friends with her, and that things are ok.


I'm rambling... I know. Thanks for those that read this. Getting it out of my mind helps enormously.
 
FTR, I don't read you as a control freak or obsessive at all. And you're allowed to ramble here, on your own damn blog! BoringGuy can be annoying sometimes, but he means well.

I had to go back and reread to remember how long your h and the gf have been a thing. Just a few weeks? But friends for 3 years.

Many of us poly people can't wrap our minds around sex with no feelings allowed, that swinger mentality. For me, the more feelings there are, the better the sex is. Sex with strangers, and keeping them at arm's length or dumping them outright when you start to become "too" fond, seems so anti-intuitive.

Anyway! That is in your husband's past now. Now for the first time, he's having sex with someone he cares deeply about (besides you) and he's head over heels in NRE, yet you're on bedrest and must have been having pre term labor, to not be allowed to have sex yourself?

That sucks. You're getting a taste early of how parenting is when you're sleep deprived and touched out by baby's needs and sex is the last thing on your mind. Sleep and a decent meal, even a drink of water or 2 minutes alone on the toilet came before sex in my world when I had 3 kids in 5 years!

But your h now has this new gf and he's having all this FUN while you're in bed alone! Yuck! No wonder you want him and gf to come hang out! You must be lonely!
 
Oops, i didn't realize this was a blog. I apologize. Please excuse me. I think i had it confused with one of your other threads.

Thank you mags for pointing that out.
 
Oops, i didn't realize this was a blog. I apologize. Please excuse me. I think i had it confused with one of your other threads.

Thank you mags for pointing that out.

Please, don't be sorry.

I do think it helped (among other things) to snap me out of my "oh, poor me" mode that I was in. I feel stronger, more capable and more normal again, so that is a good thing.
 
Please, don't be sorry.

I do think it helped (among other things) to snap me out of my "oh, poor me" mode that I was in. I feel stronger, more capable and more normal again, so that is a good thing.



I appreciate that, but it doesn't excuse my breach of the "blog etiquette". I have this problem occasionally because i surf the forum with the "New Posts" button, and when it's on the ipod, i don't see the stuff way to the right (maybe i just block it out because i am in the People's Republik of Massachusetts) where it tells you the subforum. "poly and pregnant" sounded like the title of a discussion thread, and ordinarily i'm not that interested in a thread like that but i checked it because i was reading your other threads.

That said, i was only echoing the part where you the OP called yourself a control freak. It does seem that way sometimes the wording you use, but clearly if you were a control freak after all you probably would get pissed off if someone called you that.
 
FTR, I don't read you as a control freak or obsessive at all. And you're allowed to ramble here, on your own damn blog! BoringGuy can be annoying sometimes, but he means well.

I had to go back and reread to remember how long your h and the gf have been a thing. Just a few weeks? But friends for 3 years.

Many of us poly people can't wrap our minds around sex with no feelings allowed, that swinger mentality. For me, the more feelings there are, the better the sex is. Sex with strangers, and keeping them at arm's length or dumping them outright when you start to become "too" fond, seems so anti-intuitive.

Yes. I think that is another one of the reasons why I haven't been taking "advantage" of having sex with other people in the last few years. I want to have that connection where I am at least infatuated with someone. That infatuation can last only one night, or longer, but it has to be there for me to be turned on by someone.
Anyway! That is in your husband's past now. Now for the first time, he's having sex with someone he cares deeply about (besides you) and he's head over heels in NRE, yet you're on bedrest and must have been having pre term labor, to not be allowed to have sex yourself?

Thankfully, I'm not on bedrest anymore. I have to take it easy, and I cannot do too much, but I can go out again, and do things. Which helps A LOT! Keeping busy myself seems to be the secret... :)

That sucks. You're getting a taste early of how parenting is when you're sleep deprived and touched out by baby's needs and sex is the last thing on your mind. Sleep and a decent meal, even a drink of water or 2 minutes alone on the toilet came before sex in my world when I had 3 kids in 5 years!

I'm actually looking forward right now to feeling like that because when I feel like that at least I don't have my own physical needs to battle with, in addition to the mental and emotional needs of wanting to be close in that way.

But your h now has this new gf and he's having all this FUN while you're in bed alone! Yuck! No wonder you want him and gf to come hang out! You must be lonely!

:) I'm doing ok. I make sure that I have something to do each day, some sort of social thing, which helps a lot.
I'm pretty introvert, so in general I enjoy being home alone, just doing whatever it is that I want to be doing.
And he works from home a lot, so although that is not nearly the same as really being together, it does help to be a little bit together.
 
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