Poly and pregnant

That said, i was only echoing the part where you the OP called yourself a control freak. It does seem that way sometimes the wording you use, but clearly if you were a control freak after all you probably would get pissed off if someone called you that.

I have issues with control when I am emotionally not feeling very well. When I'm feeling insecure, sad, etc, and it is too subtle for me to notice, I usually notice because my need for control goes up tremendously. It is a good way to see how well I'm doing emotionally :)

So far the best way to deal with it for me personally has been to give in to my need for control wherever possible (sort term fix) so that I can have the mental peace of mind to work on the other issue, which is the real cause for that need for control.

And once that other issue is "fixed" or dealt with, the need for control just goes away by itself.
 
That's very interesting. Seems like you know yourself pretty well. That is refreshing to see.
 
That's very interesting. Seems like you know yourself pretty well. That is refreshing to see.

I've been involved with personal development for a very long time, I am a master NLP Practitioner, Hypnotherapist and Time Technique Practitioner, as well as life coach :)

I personally believe that nobody else is responsible for my feelings besides me and that being "at cause" is the secret to living a healthy, happy, fulfilling and entertaining life.

Not to say that it is always very easy... but it is way more effective to be at cause than to blame others (people, circumstances) for whatever is not working the way you want it to work.

(although now that I mention it... I am sort of blaming my hormones for feeling the way I do, instead of choosing to feel good... hmmm food for thought...)
 
Shit just got real. She might be pregnant. Accident obviously, and most likely she is not, but she is late. But she is also very irregular and has had a lot of stress in the last few weeks. They used just condoms for the last month or so. She was/is planning on additional birth control, this month (has to wait till she gets her period to start).

They are going to take a test next week and we will se what happens.

Of course, before starting all this I thought about all the possible outcomes, pregnancy being one of them, and theoretically I was ok with it.

It still sucks if that is the case though. My husband and I planned my pregnancy. We talked about it for 2 years before even starting to prepare to try. I lost weight, got healthier. We talked about education, how to raise our baby, etc. it took us 8 months to get pregnant.

She doesn't want kids now, but would keep it if she is pregnant by accident. At least, that's what she said when they were starting to get physical. Things may have changed, may not have.

I'm trying to be calm. Most likely she will be like me, take a test that turns out negative, and get her period a few hours later. Stress does weird things to the body.

My husband is worried as well. Both of us had already decided we didn't want anymore kids. Just the one. (Edit: obviously he is a great man, and says it is 100% her decision what to, and that he will stand by her no matter what. There is a reason why I love him so much. He truly is an amazing person!)

If this is true, things that were talk of the future are suddenly talk of the present. Things like the living situation. I am definitely NOT ok with my husband only living with us (me and the baby) part time, and part time with her. I'd be ok with all of us sharing a house and him sleeping in her bedroom half the time and the other half in mine. However, I'm not sure they are ok with that. I know right now they definitely are not even ok with just hanging out together.

It is all hypothetical of course until we know, hopefully we will know soon that it is nothing and that everything can just go on as it is for a long while longer, till everybody is more used to the situation.
 
I wish you well with that situation. You are handling it better than most people I know would, so kudos for that. Accidents happen. I hope it works out for all of you and that she is not pregnant right now.
 
I wish you well with that situation. You are handling it better than most people I know would, so kudos for that. Accidents happen. I hope it works out for all of you and that she is not pregnant right now.


Thanks. Not much sense in panicking or being upset, it is one of the known risks of having sex, and if you don't want to take the risk, do that've sex (or don't be ok with your partner having sex).
 
Hey, just wanted to say that, as someone in a poly relationship with a new parent, it's nice to see someone else who seems to be successfully managing it so far (I know it's early days, but everything you've written sounds very reasonable and workable to me). Some poly folks seem to think that pregnancy and then the first couple of years of infancy are just not a good time for multiple relationships, because there's too much other stuff going on. It HAS been hard at times (what relationship isn't?), but I'd like to think that, because I can help out with babysitting or in a crisis, my presence in the lives of the new parents has actually made it easier for them overall rather than harder.

Anyways, best of luck. :)
 
Hey, just wanted to say that, as someone in a poly relationship with a new parent, it's nice to see someone else who seems to be successfully managing it so far (I know it's early days, but everything you've written sounds very reasonable and workable to me). Some poly folks seem to think that pregnancy and then the first couple of years of infancy are just not a good time for multiple relationships, because there's too much other stuff going on. It HAS been hard at times (what relationship isn't?), but I'd like to think that, because I can help out with babysitting or in a crisis, my presence in the lives of the new parents has actually made it easier for them overall rather than harder.

Anyways, best of luck. :)


How long have you been in the relationship?

A friend of mine put it very well...

If a couple is monogamous and gets pregnant or has a small child, nobody would accept them saying "you know what, being monogamous is too difficult right now. Better open things up until things are more relaxed".

Why would that be different for being poly? My opinions and orientation (for lack of a better word) don't just change just because I'm pregnant.
 
It seems that she is cramping today, so that is good news :) Both for her and for everybody (she doesn't want children right now!)

Tomorrow we are all going to go to a first aid course for babies and children, the first time we are all together.

I'm ok with that, looking forward to the course.

I think she is feeling ok, just a bit nervous.

My husband is horribly nervous and anxious about it....
 
How long have you been in the relationship?

A friend of mine put it very well...

If a couple is monogamous and gets pregnant or has a small child, nobody would accept them saying "you know what, being monogamous is too difficult right now. Better open things up until things are more relaxed".

Why would that be different for being poly? My opinions and orientation (for lack of a better word) don't just change just because I'm pregnant.

Three and a half years total. A year before she got pregnant, then through the pregnancy, and now the little boy is almost two.

I agree, your friend put it very well. :)
 
Three and a half years total. A year before she got pregnant, then through the pregnancy, and now the little boy is almost two.

I agree, your friend put it very well. :)

Sometimes I think it would have been much easier if they would have gotten together a year earlier or a year later. Without hormones and all the pregnancy complications.

Even simple things are more complicated right now. I'm more or less over him not being here most evenings and some nights, I'm good with that. But we only have one car and I would have liked to go to the supermarket today and I couldn't because he took the car. Things are complicated now...

I do hope things work out. It is complicated, but somehow we (they) will make it work.

We had a baby shower today and it was a bit bitter sweet for my husband. He loved being with his friends, and seeing them happy with the fact that we are pregnant and yet he doesn't think he can ever give that type of inclusion to her.
He is worried his friends won't accept her.

I personally think that if his friends don't accept him being happy (us being happy) too bad for his friends. I accepted that as a reality of having an alternative lifestyle and I don't care much. It is different for him...

Luckily we still have time. She was cramping today so most likely will get her period soon. That gives us time to be ok just all of us before having to confront the outside world. And it gives them time to get over the NRE and decide if this is long term or not.
 
The thing I love about this situation is how it makes me examine my own feelings and my relationship with my husband.

We were definitely in a strong relationship and there are no doubts about the love we feel for each other. Yet, we did fall into a bit of a taking each other for granted situation. Which, I guess, is normal after 9 years :)

This came up because he took her to a hotel which is a hotel that was new and he promised to take me to at some point, yet we never did. And I felt bad about him taking her there, yet not me.

And I realized that it is also a lot my fault. I'm a very passive / submissive person in my relationships. I like being taken to places, I like someone else to take the lead. Which is normally great (in exchange, I take care of people at home. I love taking care of people. It gives me a lot of pleasure!), but not if the other person is not stepping up and actually taking the lead... :)

My responsibility in this is that I didn't realize this before, and therefor didn't communicate it. And obviously, nobody can read my mind, nor should I expect them to.

Realizing these things can only make my relationships stronger. Which is a good thing!! :)
 
Yeah, way back when my ex h and I first opened our marriage, and he got a gf, I became wicked envious of him wining and dining her in her city, all alone together, going to bookstores and reading each other poetry and god knows what.

I got advice from friends to make sure I was getting as much romance as she was! There they were off dating and I was home with 3 kids and a dog and several cats, feeding the kids and pets, walking the darn dog, cleaning catboxes, driving the kids to their activities, and he was off gallivanting and getting his rocks off without me!

Luckily our kids were old enough to be left alone by that point so I started booking the h and myself for concerts and weekend getaways, and in the summers leaving the kids with relatives and going on weeklong vacations, just hubby and me. After a while, hubby started coming up with romantic ideas for us, himself!
 
I got advice from friends to make sure I was getting as much romance as she was!

Good advice. Although not literally (I hate math and keeping score of "she got 2 lunches and 3 hotels, which is the same as 4 dinners and 2 walks together"...)

But in general, make sure that my own quota of feeling romantic with him is fulfilled.

It is a bit difficult, since she doesn't live on her own and her parents don't let her have people over to sleep (yes, she is more than legal, but this is Mexico.. things are different here), so hotels are the only way they can be together. Same with eating... unless her mom isn't home, they have to eat out or not eat...
 
We went to a course together today, all of us. For me, I didn't feel anything uncomfortable.

My husband did, but he got over it very fast. I think she got over it quickly as well.

I loved seeing the way they look at her. I know he looks at me the same way, just in love, happy, as if he is seeing the most wonderful person in the world. I loved seeing that. It made me all glowy inside...

The agreement was no touching right now, and mostly that was ok. I did feel that it added some layer of weirdness to the situation because you can tell my husband is used to touching her and me all the time when we are together (we are sticky people :)). But with time hopefully that will work itself out.

At the end of the day the touching was a bit more casual. Just a light touch here or there, without it being either obvious nor too much. So I think it went very well and I hope we can start doing more things together next month. Especially since I don't want my husband as far nor as long away from me when I'm one month away from giving birth, and at the same time want to give them their space and time as well.
 
So... My husband left this morning to go on a short holiday (4 days) with his girlfriend). I'm more ok than I thought.

I was a mess most days this week before, because I know I'll miss him. Pregnancy has made me very needy of him being around.

But today, now that he is actually gone, I'm surprisingly ok.

It is soon for them to go on a holiday, and it sucks being 32 weeks pregnant and not having my husband home every day. But I do really believe it is fair. The closer we get to my due date, the more time he will spend at home with me, the less he will be gone overnight.
And once the baby is born for the first few days he won't see her at all (our choice way before they met is that the first 5 to 7 days out of the hospital are just for us. Him, me and the baby. No visitors, nobody coming by, just us getting used to being a family).
And for the first few weeks he will see her very little, and mostly at our place at home, and no overnights for a while.

This will be difficult for her, so I agree with him that taking her on this holiday now to 1. solidify their relationship and 2. to pamper her a little bit because later on he cannot is something that is fair.

I hope this being ok with it and not missing him too much lasts. I want to be calm and sane for my baby, not a blubbering crying hormonal mess....
 
Back
Top