Okcupid: Does it work?

I think that fetlife works best if you're prepared to become part of a real life community (for poly, swingers, or especially BDSM) and go out and get to know people...it's a good online interface to talk to people you know face to face, and to arrange to meet up at events, and to know where the parties and activities are going on.

Now if you find the real world outside of your front door to be scary, and you're just hoping to talk one human being at a time (especially women) into meeting with you and hopefully dating or having sex with you...again, more like dating sites...then I don't think fetlife is designed to make that easy.

I would like to become part of a community, but by meeting one person at a time. Let them introduce me to their friends.

The thing I don't like about the idea of trying to meet poly people via Fetlife is that, by the fact that polyamory is in their list of fetishes, it's promoting the view that polyamory as a kink. I object to that. And it would be highly unlikely that the majority of people on Fetlife in my city who are into or accepting of polyamory would be mostly non-kinky except for poly. What is more likely is that, if I ever figured out how to meet someone to whom I am attracted through Fetlife, I'd wind up disappointed when I find out they're into some kind of fetish that I find disturbing -- and that would kill off any attraction I felt for them in the first place.

One of the reasons I stopped going to Poly Cocktails is that it became evident that OpenLoveNY was promoting the event on FetLife, thereby making it a kink crossover group and not very welcoming to non-kinky people (don't call me vanilla, please). The conversations that people who'd heard about Poly Cocktails through announcements on Fetlife started with me were wildly inappropriate and offensive, because they assumed incorrectly that they were at a kink event.

In general, if one is not into the kink scene, I wouldn't recommend FetLife as a site for meeting polyfolk.
 
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I would like to become part of a community, but by meeting one person at a time. Let them introduce me to their friends.

The thing I don't like about hoping to meet poly people via Fetlife is that, by the fact that polyamory is in their list of fetishes, it's promoting the view that polyamory as a kink. I object to that. And it would be highly unlikely that the majority of people on Fetlife in my city who are into or accepting of polyamory would be mostly non-kinky except for poly. What is more likely is that, if I ever figured out how to meet someone to whom I am attracted through Fetlife, I'd wind up disappointed when I find out they're into some kind of fetish that I find disturbing. One of the reasons I stopped going to Poly Cocktails is that it became evident that OpenLoveNY was promoting the event on FetLife, thereby making it a kink crossover group and not very welcoming to non-kinky people (don't call me vanilla, please). The conversations that people who'd heard about Poly Cocktails started with me were wildly inappropriate and offensive, because they assumed incorrectly that they were at a kink event.

In general, if one is not into the kink scene, I wouldn't recommend FetLifein as a site for meeting polyfolk.

I can agree with that. I mean, at a base minimum they do call members there "kinksters." And my local poly community...it's not that they consider poly to be a "kink" per se, as much as they are kinky people who consider it to be a dynamic and as such one of their Big Fucking Deals. Like Leather or serious Power Exchange dynamics in a 24/7 M/s relationship... Not like flogging or lingerie, something that just turns them on.

It is considered to be a "lifestyle."

And many people don't even like that word, I think there was a conversation about that somewhere here not long ago.

But I also think that NYC is a big enough place, I would hope that whatever methods you chose there would be enough population to yield some results. I don't think that's the case everywhere.

Yeah, the biggest problem I have with FetLife is that I can't always think of things to add to posts in the groups I belong to, so people aren't really seeing that I exist; I have trouble thinking of messages to send if someone catches my interest, so I don't send any; and social anxiety makes going to real-life events rather difficult, as do things like scheduling, distance, and cost. Other than the monthly event my boyfriend hosts, I've been to exactly one munch, and didn't make any lasting connections there, friends or otherwise.

That isn't meant as a whine; it's just a statement that I suck ass at meeting anyone through anything, or at becoming part of any real-life groups of any kind. (Which isn't something I'm happy about, because I'd like a wider social circle and haven't any idea how to create or become part of one.)

Fet is set up as a way to form or join communities, but I'm not good at joining anything, so mostly I just read stuff and occasionally answer group posts if I have something relevant to say. And I do some writing from time to time, some of which actually gets read...

(And as a slightly ranty aside... if one more person on Fet says "Well, you have to get out and meet people, stop whining and just suck it up and go, you'll be fine," I am going to scream... While I can battle the anxiety to some extent, it isn't as simple as "just sucking it up" and often involves me having a full-on panic attack as I'm driving to the event and then standing in a corner not talking to anyone because they all seem to know each other and I don't know any of them and can't think of anything to say beyond "Hi, I'm KC.")

I'm sorry to hear that this has been your experience.

It's been a focus in my community to try and make newcomers more comfortable. Even extroverts (hi! *waves*) sit in the car for half an hour, nervous and scared to go into their first event or any event where the venue and/or people are unfamiliar. If I'd gone to my first and the room had been socially cold to me, I might not have gone back. And we have TONS of introverts in our scene, who know just what social anxiety is about and do their best to offer everything from safe "give me space and let me breathe" zones to a quiet human connection to help new people feel welcome. In other words, what you describe, a caring community is aware of this and would like to help you get comfortable if we can. Unfortunately I have heard that some communities are not quite like ours. There is inevitable human drama, power plays and cliques and gossip grapevines in even the best, but I've heard some pretty scary things about some of the worst. So I can't speak to your local scene, except to say that I hope you find a good point to connect to sometime and a comfortable place where you feel that you fit.
 
It is considered to be a "lifestyle."
No, no, no. The people who consider polyamory "a lifestyle" to adopt, rather than just something they've incorporated into their own unique lifestyle are uninformed and wrongly assuming quite a lot.

But I also think that NYC is a big enough place, I would hope that whatever methods you chose there would be enough population to yield some results. I don't think that's the case everywhere.

It's funny, though. At most organized things you go to here (and by "here" I mean Manhattan) you meet people who live in the outer boroughs or NJ, because most people commute into Manhattan to work. No way I am going to date a guy from Staten Island! And a lot of organized get togethers fizzle out due to lack of attendance for the same reason. So, for Manhattanites, we're either so busy trying to make ends meet just to live here that we have no time to socialize, OR, if we're doing okay, we still have no time to socialize but can afford to get the hell out of town whenever we can. So, either way, joining groups is a challenge and brings unpredictable results.

I usually have no problem meeting guys I'd like to date in my neighborhood or sometimes via my (former) workplace. However, meeting poly or poly-friendly guys is a different story. For that, in NYC and in many other places, I think OKCupid is best.
 
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No, no, no. The people who consider polyamory "a lifestyle" to adopt, rather than just something they've incorporated into their own unique lifestyle are uninformed and wrongly assuming quite a lot.

I completely disagree with your statement here. I think that for those individuals to see it as a lifestyle is just as valid as any way that anyone chooses to see anything.

For them to project that upon you, would be uninformed, wrong, and assuming a lot.

They can call it any damn thing they want if they are referring to themselves, and to others around them who are ok with the use of generally agreed-upon language. But these are people who like finding common ground with others and sharing ideas on what has worked for some and might work for them, what might not, etc.

And what does it mean "a lifestyle to adopt" anyways? I don't understand the difference between that and "something they've incorporated into their unique lifestyle"...? Your phrasing here confuses me. Sorry.

I understand that you are not into this stuff...I don't take you for someone who sees the appeal in being Leather, or living a 24/7 M/s dynamic, but it can be argued that practically anything is "a lifestyle."

The people who do little besides work and home, who live in the burbs and drink cheap beer at Superbowl parties and drive the kids to practice in the family minivan... That is their lifestyle.

My Great Aunt had a lifestyle after retirement that included a lot of travel and volunteer work and philanthropy and golf.

For me personally that word just means an abbreviated picture of the main elements of your day to day life. I would say that I'm "in" the BDSM lifestyle because I go to a fetish club for parties, discussions and other events, as well as engaging in SM activities in private, usually more than once a week. Often. It's a significant part of my life, and not one I'd want to give up. It is a pretty huge part of my own personal identity.

I get the feeling that you view use of the word as...diminishing...somehow...and I think this might be part of why we're not connecting well on these ideas. ??

EDIT: Just realized my impression of how you put it, is as though every single polyamorous person is reinventing the wheel, and I don't think that they/we are. I think that while we don't all do poly the same way...there are some commonalities in what various people are trying to do (which may or may not look like what they eventually succeed in actually DOING.)
 
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Is monogamy a lifestyle? No. Therefore polyamory is not a lifestyle. They are both "love-styles," if you will.

There are as many ways to do monogamy or polyamory as there are people doing it. You might be old/young, gay/straight, with kids or child-free, black/white, prudish or highly sexual, kinky or (vanilla) not kinky, on and on.

News flash, there isn't a "gay lifestyle" either.
 
Spork, I've only been to one munch in my area, and people there assumed, I think, that I would talk to them I I felt like it, while I assumed people would talk to me. So I mostly only talked to a guy I already knew from karaoke and the two women he was sitting with.

At karaoke...I talk sometimes either because I'm feeling stronger than usual or because my boyfriend tells me to do something for him that necessitates talking to others. But a lot of times I can't think of anything to say, so I just sit there listening to people talk around me, and a lot of them talk around me because they already know each other and they don't know me. Or because I probably look bored or upset because I can't think of anything to say.

And the sad thing about that is since my boyfriend is the organizer of the karaoke thing, I'm sort of the cohost....but I don't act it and people tend to think I'm unfriendly because I don't talk to tehm.

I've whined about this before...lol

And my boyfriend does try to help, but as the host he needs to make sure everyone else is comfortable and having fun, so he checks in with me and tries to help me figure out a way to talk to peole, but he can't be beside me every second. He also doesn't completely understand why it's so difficult...or just how difficult it is.
 
One of the reasons I stopped going to Poly Cocktails is that it became evident that OpenLoveNY was promoting the event on FetLife, thereby making it a kink crossover group and not very welcoming to non-kinky people (don't call me vanilla, please). The conversations that people who'd heard about Poly Cocktails through announcements on Fetlife started with me were wildly inappropriate and offensive, because they assumed incorrectly that they were at a kink event.

In general, if one is not into the kink scene, I wouldn't recommend FetLife as a site for meeting polyfolk.


I know a good handful of NYC area folks who are non-kinky poly and on Fetlife, not for the kink but because there are poly people and poly groups there. I also know the founder of PolyCocktails and I'm interested to hear what he has to say about this because from all I've gleaned thru knowing him, he promotes on Fetlife simply because there's a good sized poly contingent, not because PolyCocktails is a kink oriented event. Do you mind my asking him about this? Not using your name, of course.
 
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Is monogamy a lifestyle? No. Therefore polyamory is not a lifestyle. They are both "love-styles," if you will.

There are as many ways to do monogamy or polyamory as there are people doing it. You might be old/young, gay/straight, with kids or child-free, black/white, prudish or highly sexual, kinky or (vanilla) not kinky, on and on.

News flash, there isn't a "gay lifestyle" either.

I think that how we love is central enough to "life" that I do consider them "lifestyles." If you have multiple partners that you are thinking of and considering in your thoughts and actions and feelings every day, then they are part of the lifestyle that you lead.

As for monogamy, if you wear a ring that defines you, or you make a point to carefully structure all interactions with people who might find you attractive, around the fact that you are NOT AVAILABLE, if you switch off your grail-shaped-beacon so to speak...not only is your one partner a huge part of your life directly, but also indirectly in how you interact with the world...and I do think that is a LIFESTYLE.

If one is a gay person who is part of a gay community, goes to gay events and does things to actively represent gay interests, I'd say that they were living a gay lifestyle, but I would also consider the lives of a married gay couple who just live quietly in the burbs next to the family of four, they've got a lifestyle of their own and it isn't any less gay because their vehicles don't have rainbow stickers on them.

We all have a lifestyle. A style of living. Sometimes we get really into some particular thing enough that it becomes a strong part of our own identity, as some of the more hardcore Leather folk I know, or the slave who still serves her deceased Master by tending his grave, or the people who prepare for festival all year and call themselves "Burners"...

None of these things are just some stupid fad. They are really damned important to the people living them, and none are perfectly homogeneous or done exactly the same by each person involved.

How about this... What IS a "lifestyle?" Instead of simply saying that it is off-putting to consider polyamory a lifestyle, tell me what the word itself means to you, please? Because again, I think it's in disagreement over the use and meaning of the word itself that we have an issue here.

But also I am looking around and noticing that this conceptual fragment is dragging things off-topic a bit, so feel free to PM me or we can start a new thread or something. I'm interested in the subject, but I don't want to be obnoxious about it...
 
FallenAngelina, I will PM you.


Spork, it's perfectly fine when people talk about polyamory as part of their own lifestyles, but poly by itself is not a kind of Lifestyle you go and choose at the Lifestyle Store. It is an approach to relationships that can be part of a myriad number of different types of lifestyles. When someone promotes the idea of poly being a lifestyle, they create a "thing" made of certain criteria that people think they have to live up to, instead of just living their own unique lifestyle with poly being a part of it.

So, yeah it's a part of their lifestyle, but it's not any particular kind of lifestyle. get what I mean?

See: What is this "lifestyle" you mention?
 
Muchos thankies, nycindie!! (Yes, I know, could have and should have searched that topic myself, huh? Still. Thank you.)

Now redirecting my comments to the more appropriate thread.
 
So I put up a profile for fun, and I told Beloved. He wanted to see it, and once he re-activated his five year old account to do so, guess who was my number one match at 96%? Beloved! :D So I guess it does work. LOL
 
Back in 2008 when Snowbunny and I were active on OKC, the site said we were a 65% match. I guess you can draw your own conclusions ...
 
I'm not too sure on these percentages. Madman and me are around 92% we are so different on so many things it's not even funny. He is an isfp and I am an intj. We only have the I in common.
 
It's all in the weights

I haven't read the entire thread so I apologize if someone has touched on this.

As a statistics junkie, it's all in the weights you give to your answers. So if the importance is "a little important" vs. "Very" for certain questions, that has a dramatic affect on the your matches.

So I've answered the various "poly" questions and marked their importance as "Very". As a result, my matches over 90% are (almost) always poly (if the person hasn't answered many questions, this doesn't apply).

The 80% matches are somewhat open but typically not poly. Again, it only works if they have answered a few hundred questions so that they've touched on the "poly" questions.

But I've found that OKC works well. I met both of my current partners on OKC and they were over 90%.

But, to be completely forthright, I don't send messages out much anymore. The return rate is always extremely low. Both Gidget and Liza contacted me first. So I'm a very satisfied OKC user. :-D
 
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