Poly journey of Mya and rory

I'm just gonna say "Go JJ!" here. :) Many people might choose to come up with a list of rules/guidelines in this situation that would arbitrarily restrict you and not end up providing them with any real sense of security. Instead he's looking inwards and admitting that he doesn't know what he needs yet, if anything, because things are still too new. I think that shows an awesome level of honesty and courage, a desire to be real rather than to have all the answers. Rock on.
 
On a more personal note, my partners are different in the way they approach the whole processing thing. Mya is like me in this respect, the both of us enjoy good analysing session like nothing else. :p Alec is more to the "just living life" side of things. And poly has still worked just fine for us. It is my choice to accept him as he is, with baggage and all. I do resent the implication that I am doing poly wrong :)rolleyes:) by accommodating some insecurities he has.

Thank you for this. I'm a fan of processing and communicating a lot too, and have struggled at times with the fact that my boyfriend "just lives" more, is probably more instinctive in his actions and reactions. I generally accept this now, but with all the processing talk it is easy to feel like you're managing a relationship "wrong" if that isn't always happening. It's nice to hear an occasional approval for letting things be.
 
I'm just gonna say "Go JJ!" here. :) Many people might choose to come up with a list of rules/guidelines in this situation that would arbitrarily restrict you and not end up providing them with any real sense of security. Instead he's looking inwards and admitting that he doesn't know what he needs yet, if anything, because things are still too new. I think that shows an awesome level of honesty and courage, a desire to be real rather than to have all the answers. Rock on.

You're right. :) I'm very proud of JJ for not making up boundaries in this new situation when he really doesn't know yet what's to come.

Right now I'm feeling quite restless. I feel like contacting Bob all the time but I don't do it because I want to keep it cool. And I don't mean "act" cool in his eyes, but stay cool within myself. Although I'm not sure this approach is helping much with that. I so would've wanted to keep this as casual as possible without the need for big talks but I guess that's not who I am. Not talking about it is not how I roll. :p I think at some point I need to know where his head is and get some clarity. I still don't want more than what I've described here earlier but I guess I'd just like to know if that is what he wants too. There is the possibility that he wants something more than me, which I don't really believe, and there's also the possibility that he wants less than me - like never seeing me again. Who knows. :rolleyes:
 
Thank you for this. I'm a fan of processing and communicating a lot too, and have struggled at times with the fact that my boyfriend "just lives" more, is probably more instinctive in his actions and reactions. I generally accept this now, but with all the processing talk it is easy to feel like you're managing a relationship "wrong" if that isn't always happening. It's nice to hear an occasional approval for letting things be.

You're welcome :) I have a similar experience, in that I've struggled at times with accepting that quality of Alec's. I do like processing a lot, and have sometimes felt frustrated with him because he is not like that. Doesn't mean that he doesn't talk, just that he doesn't analyse all bits and pieces to death. But I have felt that processing isn't really a need for me in a relationship, just in general in life, so I can do it with other people (friends, and nowadays also with Mya). I do feel there's a bit of a cultural pressure coming from "a partner must meet all your needs" -direction, and once I let that go, I was able to fully appreciate Alec as he is. That is priceless for me, because wishing somebody was different doesn't feel loving to me, and I have an extreme aversion to the whole concept of trying to change somebody.

Annabel I totally agree with what you wrote about JJ. That's the way to go! :)

Btw, Mya, I don't think the talk with Bob needs to be all that big unless you think that it has to and thus make it so. There's no rule that you can't just ask, casually "I was wondering how you feel about things between us and how often would you like us to meet. I was thinking X, how does that sound?". Then he says "I'm fine, I was thinking Y, does that work for you?", and you say, "Great". No Big Discussion. Unless either one of you directs it into the Big Discussion Ground, but you won't if you don't feel like you want to do that, and if he does then surely he's not scared of it. (You do need to know what X is, first. I.e. what you want.) What do you think? :) [Unless a Big Discussion is what you want, which I think is totally fine even with casual, but I obviously don't know his thoughts.]
 
Btw, Mya, I don't think the talk with Bob needs to be all that big unless you think that it has to and thus make it so. There's no rule that you can't just ask, casually "I was wondering how you feel about things between us and how often would you like us to meet. I was thinking X, how does that sound?". Then he says "I'm fine, I was thinking Y, does that work for you?", and you say, "Great". No Big Discussion. Unless either one of you directs it into the Big Discussion Ground, but you won't if you don't feel like you want to do that, and if he does then surely he's not scared of it. (You do need to know what X is, first. I.e. what you want.) What do you think? :) [Unless a Big Discussion is what you want, which I think is totally fine even with casual, but I obviously don't know his thoughts.]

You're right that it doesn't need to be a Big Discussion. I guess I'm a bit afraid that all those kinds of discussions that involve the future somehow, even if it's about how often we'd like to see each other, seem kinda big in this situation. I mean, how often do friends have a discussion about how often they'd like to see each other? It just happens naturally and takes the form it takes. I feel like it might be too much of a commitment even to agree seeing each other X amount regularly. But I don't know. I'm sure that because it's me we're talking about, the conversation will have to happen at some point to figure all this out.
 
Awww, Mya, that restless feeling - you just sound all giddy and full of NRE.

Breathe. Rory's right, I think. It need not be a big deal to talk to Bob. In the beginning it can be hard to know how often to contact a new lover, but all you can do is reach out and see how long he takes to respond, and then sit with it for a bit. You can even toss in something like a casual, "hope I'm not bothering you" when you text him and see what he says.

But I think it might even be a little too soon to ask for an assessment of where it's going. Why not just keep it loose for a while and make plans with him when you can, not getting focused on what "the schedule" will be. I am also someone who ruminates and analyzes stuff, and I have found it to be a valuable lesson not to give in to the temptation to spew all my thoughts and questions on someone. I get to really feel the "not knowing" in my bones and it helps me get more comfortable with uncertainty.
 
Awww, Mya, that restless feeling - you just sound all giddy and full of NRE.

Breathe. Rory's right, I think. It need not be a big deal to talk to Bob. In the beginning it can be hard to know how often to contact a new lover, but all you can do is reach out and see how long he takes to respond, and then sit with it for a bit. You can even toss in something like a casual, "hope I'm not bothering you" when you text him and see what he says.

But I think it might even be a little too soon to ask for an assessment of where it's going. Why not just keep it loose for a while and make plans with him when you can, not getting focused on what "the schedule" will be. I am also someone who ruminates and analyzes stuff, and I have found it to be a valuable lesson not to give in to the temptation to spew all my thoughts and questions on someone. I get to really feel the "not knowing" in my bones and it helps me get more comfortable with uncertainty.

Noooooo, not NRE! :eek: :p It can't be, we don't even have a relationship. :D

I agree with you and think it's too soon to talk about schedules, definitely. Or any kind of plans for the future. Although I will have to have a discussion with him at some point, it's not going to happen yet. I'm just so used to talking about everything with rory and nowadays also with JJ (we've grown to be much better communicators with each other through poly) that it just feels weird not talking about every single emotion or thought I have with that person. :rolleyes: But also, it is very important to get comfortable with uncertainty so I'll take this opportunity to learn that. Maybe it's not so bad not knowing right away what the other one is thinking.
 
I know, I know, I was just joking. :D But I also think calling this NRE already is a bit of a stretch..

Well, it might not technically be a Relationship yet, but when I read your post about feeling restless and not knowing what to say or how often to contact him, I thought of that euphoric feeling when you start seeing someone and it's all deliciously tingly yet angsty and the same time. That crazy feeling of wanting to know if someone you like, likes you back the same way - limerence, I guess, would be more accurate, or maybe infatuation. I don't usually use the term NRE so maybe I had it mixed up with limerence.

I thought it was cute on you, anyway! Sorry! :p
 
Well, it might not technically be a Relationship yet, but when I read your post about feeling restless and not knowing what to say or how often to contact him, I thought of that euphoric feeling when you start seeing someone and it's all deliciously tingly yet angsty and the same time. That crazy feeling of wanting to know if someone you like, likes you back the same way - limerence, I guess, would be more accurate, or maybe infatuation. I don't usually use the term NRE so maybe I had it mixed up with limerence.

I thought it was cute on you, anyway! Sorry! :p

No no, I don't mind you guys teasing me about this. I do feel like a schoolgirl with a crush and I don't blame you for pointing that out. :p I guess the mention of NRE just made all this sound so.. serious? And I just don't want to get ahead of things when I have no idea what's going to happen. I think the word relationship is really getting to me because that is exactly what we don't and won't have. I just keep picturing him reading these messages and running away after reading about all this relationship-y stuff. :p He's not poly, he's in an open relationship, so I don't even know if he is "allowed" to develop/express feelings for other people. He might just want to have sex with me a few times and that's that.

... Although he just confirmed that he is coming to the party we're having soon. Yey! :) That must mean he is willing to also see me with my clothes on. :D
 
Okay, I've spent almost my whole day today talking to people, mainly about relationships. First me and rory spoke about 7 hours on skype and then I chatted with Bob for a while. I made some pretty big realisations when talking to rory about my relationships and the future. We talked about our expectations for the time when we both live in the same city. Obviously our thoughts and situations can change a lot before that happens but I'm glad we got somewhere with that. :)

And then Bob. I feel much better now, not nearly as restless as before. He said he considers an open relationship to be open for feelings, too. And that he's never been in a poly relationship but who knows about the future. He seems very open to everything that might happen in life. There are no strict rules in his relationship, I was glad to hear that. :) All this made me feel.. peaceful. I still don't know if anything more will actually happen between us or how he feels about me, but somehow I feel glad that whatever form this takes, it's only restricted by us and what we want.
 
I'll write a bit about what Mya and I talked about for the future, once all of us are in the same city (in a couple of years). Earlier we've thought that maybe it would work best to have a sleeping schedule of about two nights a week for me and Mya sleeping together (plus some time spent awake, obviously, but we feel that's more flexible). Now we were talking about how we both feel two set nights somewhat restraining. However, talking about it in more detail we realised the feeling came from expecting those nights to be quality time and prioritised over much else.

Neither of us subscribes to comparison of relationships, and I've let go of the whole aim of fairness/equality (replacing it with whatever everybody truly wants). Yet, somehow, in the sleeping schedule thing there remained a bit of that. Originally, I was the one who suggested that I would want 5 nights with Alec and 2 with Mya (due to differences in relationships and ways of keeping connected), and she was understanding of that. Somehow I felt like since "we only get those two nights" they must be something more spectacular. Sort of making up for it.

But that is not the reality, and that is not what either of us wants. Oh, we do look forward to having more time together in person, both quality and..what's the opposite? Routine? We will make time for each other, but having set evenings/nights for quality time is too restrictive. Who knows if one of us is in quality-time-mode on that specific time? And what about other things in life, friends, hobbies? Can't there ever be an event scheduled for "our night"? Or if there is, will we reschedule our night for the next night? Suddenly those descriptions people have about poly being a scheduling nightmare seem to be awaiting us.

However, that is not what either of us wants. We want flexibility. We want routine. So, right now the thought is something like this: we'll have two routine sleepovers. If that night happens to be a night with loads of evening time before it and talking and sex and intimacy, that's cool. If that night happens to be the night I'm tired and antisocial, that's cool. If that night happens to be the night on the town with a friend for one of us, leaving us only couple of hours or none together, that's cool. Those things are life. And we don't want to prioritise each other above other things in life (just as we won't prioritise other things in life above each other), and we don't want the pressure that is created if our time always is expected to be quality time. This is to last, this is for life. Let it be life.
 
What about:
at LEAST 2 days with Mya
at LEAST 3-4 days with Alec
and the remaining time will be spent as the situation and mood demands. Give yourself a little bit more flexibility.
 
What about:
at LEAST 2 days with Mya
at LEAST 3-4 days with Alec
and the remaining time will be spent as the situation and mood demands. Give yourself a little bit more flexibility.

I can see where you're coming from but I think we've already agreed on flexibility. The only thing that wouldn't change often is that me and rory get those 2 nights every week. Those are the routine nights but obviously there can be weeks we'd have more, it all depends on the situation. But the thing is that in the long run rory and Alec's relationship needs more nights together than 3 a week. I would think 4 would be okay on some weeks but 5 is probably best for them. And like rory mentioned, we can well see each other as many times a week as we like, even every day if we want to (if we get to live as close to each other as we wish). It was the nights that we were talking about, the sleep-next-to-each-other-time. That's important to rory and Alec. I wouldn't want to see their relationship not getting what it needs to flourish when ours can do well with the aforementioned 2 nights a week. :)

Then to another topic. The party I mentioned earlier went really well! :) We had a blast. JJ and Bob got along well, there was absolutely no weirdness around anything. Also, the female friend JJ had sex with - you know the case - she was there too. I have no issue with her, it was JJ who broke our agreement about the safe sex and she is, and always has been, very nice to me. So that went great too, I talked to her a lot. We're also going to her bithday party next month. So yeah, the party was a success. :)
 
I have two friends that have been living abroad for a long time and they are coming here in a few days to spend the summer in their/our home country. I'm so happy about that! That's actually one of my biggest reasons to stay here until the end of summer now that I know JJ isn't coming with me in September. So, one of these friends doesn't have a place to stay yet so she's going to live with us until she finds an apartment for the summer. We (me and JJ) are moving in a couple of weeks ourselves so this arrangement is going to be very temporary. But I like this plan. Remember all the talk about hippie commune and living with friends? I get to do that for a tiny while now, great! :D And also, since this friend of mine doesn't know yet where she wants to move next (but she knows it's not going to be our home town, she's here only for the summer), she is now considering Dream City as well! I would be so excited and happy if she came along with me in September/end of August and maybe we could even be roommates in Dream City. That would be amazing. :) I try not to get my hopes up, but inside I'm really hoping this is going to happen. But anyway, whatever happens in September, I'm going to enjoy her company a lot now that she's here.
 
SNeacail thanks for your comment. :) I'm not dead set on the schedule we've been thinking about, and I feel that we'll just see how it goes once we're there. It's nice to have some idea, though. I do like to aim for flexibility, anyway.

----

I finished with studying a while back, and have since been taking well-earned rest. I've now started to look for work in earnest. I'm both hopeful and nervous at the possibility of getting a job. I haven't really been to a job interview in... um, four years or something (I've been working at the same place). And never in this country, which is a bit scary. On the other hand, having no money is also scary. :rolleyes:

Luckily I managed to land a part-time voluntary position, which will start in a couple of weeks and last for about six months. I'm happy about that, since no matter how much I like to have time for myself, I do think the possibility of having nothing to do for the whole summer would be making me batty right now.

I made a plan with Alec to talk about sex every week. There's a reminder about it in his phone. :cool: I feel that our sex life needs regular discussions for maintenance, and those don't seem to happen on their own, so now we're trying this. I'm very happy about this plan. :)
 
I really miss rory right now. It's been a month since we saw each other the last time and it's going to be another month before we get to meet again. This is an exceptionally long time between visits but that's how it is now. I'm going on holiday with friends this month and I can't afford to fly twice a month. I'd love to just be close to her and touch her. I can't wait for the time when we live in the same country and get to see each other more often!

I've spent a lot of time with the friend I mentioned in my last post. We've been having a blast! I'm so glad she's here now and I get to spend time with her. :) I've also worked a lot so this week has been quite intense and busy.

I think I can now call Bob my FWB since it's becoming quite clear that our "benefit" encounters are going to continue. We had a good conversation yesterday when I went to his place and we both feel good about this, whatever this is. It's working well and I think both of us are in the same place with our expectations - or actually the lack of expectations. It's not going to be fun to end the physical side of our friendship when we move to different places in a few months, but that's life. I've decided to enjoy the moment and not worry too much about the future. Wish me luck. :rolleyes: :D
 
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I feel the same way about missing Mya. A month feels like a throughoutly long time. The time since Paris has went by quite fast, but at the moment it is crawling (for me the reason is very possibly that I don't yet have a job). Anyway, I'm determined not to be focused on that. We have a skype date soon, that should be fun.

I had a really wonderful weekend. I skyped with Mya and a friend of mine, so I feel quite social. :p I also spent a lot of time with Alec, we gamed together and did other things, it was lovely. I did have quite adequate time for myself, as well, and I read a book.

I haven't spend much time on the Internet lately, and I'm thinking I'll take even more off. Not a total break, but I will attempt to only spend my time on things that give more than they take. I will definitely be visiting the journal section on this forum, and perhaps the general discussions. However, I think I'll skip reading poly stuff elsewhere for a while. When first becoming poly, I found so many useful and interesting things, but lately I've felt like I'm putting energy into things that aren't giving as much. First I got huge practical use out of what I read and processed, but now I feel that I've internalised most of what I feel is beneficial, and I want to concentrate on living only. I guess I'm polysaturated in relation to information at the moment. :D
 
"I feel glad that whatever form this takes, it's only restricted by us and what we want." - I really like this feeling when I'm relating to someone

Ah, the missing. I feel your pain :) For us, hopefully will be just under a year before we're all back in the same city again.

Hang in there x
 
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