Taking the direction your life must take...

LovingRadiance

Active member
" The inner call also tells us what we will not do.To compromise,for example, is always tempting and often destructive when dealing with a chosen path. My inner sense will not allow compromises that go too much against the direction I know my life must take."
Book-Living Happily Ever After


I'm reading this book that Red Pepper's husband suggested Maca read (via RP on here).

I came across this line today and felt the onset of another "ah-ha" moment.

I know it greatly frustrates people in my life when I say "I just can't do that."
But there are many times in my life when it becomes clear (usually after trying, but honestly I'm actively working to change that now) to me that some feat a person has requested of me, simply does NOT work for the direction my life needs to go.

I find it frustrating to try to explain to a person who is closed off from their own "inner guidance system" that I can't always FULLY explain why I know that some step is WRONG for me, only that I DO know it's wrong for me.

Getting hit with the endless guilt trip of "but I need..." or "I thought you loved me..." or being accused of being selfish (SO not me as anyone who knows me could tell you) etc while they completely avoid taking time to consider MY needs, life, desires, motivations, purpose, responsibilities etc-TOTALLY ticks me off and sends me into an emotional whirlwind. Having longings to just "walk out" on people or vindictively allow them to suffer the potential severe consequences of their behavior, all at once, instead of continuing to patiently explain things to them and/or guide them along.

I've become amazingly adept at controlling my actions-so that I don't DO things based on emotions, but on thought out concrete purposefulness in my life.

Still, I resent people pushing the buttons that "test" that ability as though they expect that since I am good at it, I shouldn't mind continuously being treated like I'm only hear to suffer their bullying, berating, begging, whining and generally manipulating attempts to get me to fulfil whatever it is that will allow them to continue avoiding to deal with their own personal shit...
 
unfortunately i'm not as good as you, and when people push me to do something i simply can't do, because it goes against my "inner guidance system" i just shut them out, and cut them off completely.

IMHO if someone is willing to totally disregard my boundaries then they can go to hell. sometimes if it's someone i care a great deal about i will try to reestablish the relationship (friends/family/etc.).

maybe someday i will be able to control this, but honestly it works for me, and i feel a weight lifted off my shoulders when i go through with it, as i don't take this action lightly, and only do this when i feel it's absolutely necessary.
 
Another line I identify with

"Life purpose or vision generally flows from a clear call of destiny. This call, or interior prompting, makes creative adaptation and self-realization almost inevitable. Yet those who feel this pull may be mysteriously cursed and blessed at the same time. Their road is rarely comfortable in the conventional sense of that word, but neither do they wonder what they should do with their lives."

I think the most common thing that causes me discomfort in living my life the way I know I'm meant to-is people who insist on trying to deter me because of their own need for me to create security for them because they haven't learned how to create it for themselves or they refuse to take responsibility for it in some way or another.

I find that my hardest lesson-one I continue to battle and too often fail at, is that I need to stop bending.

I know my purpose, I know where my life needs to go and I know how to do it. I don't mean I have a "plan". I don't. I mean-I just know... I just FEEL in any given moment "I'm supposed to do this" or "I'm not supposed to do that" and I need to DO or NOT DO those things and stop letting other people's refusal to claim their own shit AND DEAL WITH IT, stop me from my own growth and progress....

Very frustrated with myself because I KNOW this, and I HAVE known this for some time.

But I get caught up between wanting to be patient and understanding... loving and caring while others work through things

-then I let myself keep supporting them patiently and making allowances even when they AREN'T actually working through things but are actually in that moment allowing themselves to "act out" on their fears and insecurities-

and knowing I need to be standing my ground and saying "that is YOUR insecurity talking and I can't bend for that. I love you and I'll be here when you are reading to talk about this productively" or some such thing....
 
After nearly 3 years of living hell where I spent more time doing what other people thought I should do (or what I thought other people thought I should do), I've come to the realization that listening to my gut isn't always a bad thing.

I find it frustrating to try to explain to a person who is closed off from their own "inner guidance system" that I can't always FULLY explain why I know that some step is WRONG for me, only that I DO know it's wrong for me.
Yes, I understand that completely. Sometimes I just *know* that something isn't right. And fighting against it has always turned out badly. Now, I listen better. :)
 
unfortunately i'm not as good as you, and when people push me to do something i simply can't do, because it goes against my "inner guidance system" i just shut them out, and cut them off completely.

IMHO if someone is willing to totally disregard my boundaries then they can go to hell. sometimes if it's someone i care a great deal about i will try to reestablish the relationship (friends/family/etc.).

maybe someday i will be able to control this, but honestly it works for me, and i feel a weight lifted off my shoulders when i go through with it, as i don't take this action lightly, and only do this when i feel it's absolutely necessary.

Funny that, because to some degree what you describe is what I am hoping to be better about! ;)
I have found that my life DOES go better when I just tell people "look this is what I have to do so if you don't like it-fuck off" and then quit being around them.

What I find difficult is that some people do make an effort IN GENERAL, but walking through the day to day particulars I tend to make allowances that frankly I don't think help either them or me.

The truth is I feel like I should look at them and say "NO I am NOT going to make these allowances for you, precisely BECAUSE they are based on YOUR insecurities. It's ABSURD of you to ask me to change because in fact this is YOUR issue, not mine and you need to work your ass off to fix it." I think that maybe by NOT being "such a bitch" about it-I allow them to find a comfort zone in the situation as it is, where as it's been well proven that if a person hits "rock bottom" (misery) they will do something to fix their shit more quickly and with less.... fighting against the progress...
 
but walking through the day to day particulars I tend to make allowances that frankly I don't think help either them or me.

That's the hardest part, b'c in the day to day things it seems like "no big deal", but those things add up, and you become a crutch for people. or at least i do
 
I'm on a roll-may as well keep going... helps me think!!

" The kind of psychological health that creative persons have is not an absence of conflicts but rather a troubled awareness of them. Unusually sensitive to what is not right, what is not fit, what is incomplete, the creative person has a strong drive to resolve that which is disquieting, either through a direct attack upon it or through finding a medium through which it can be given symbolic expression."

Boy does that fit me to a T. Not sure if I am a "creative person" or "psychologically healthy" but I know that I am VERY aware of conflicts, and things that are just "off" and am compelled to correct the issue.

Most often this is just a huge frustration for me if the awareness is about something that involves anyone but myself, because for reasons I haven't yet fully grasped I seem to be surrounded in my life by people who mature, grow and learn only when being kicked and dragged into it.


Obviously as this is so totally encompassing in my life-it's something about ME that needs work. I need to figure out what it is that keeps me "tied down" in bogs of other people's misery so to speak. Why I don't reach out to other people who are actively, SELF-interested and SELF-motivated to learn, grow and mature in their lives, thought patterns and relationships...
 
That's the hardest part, b'c in the day to day things it seems like "no big deal", but those things add up, and you become a crutch for people. or at least i do

Oh I do. I'm seeing it-and it's making me crazy-I just have to decide what I am to do with that knowledge.
The EASY answer is to just say "fuck it" and walk away.
But I think that there is another way and while in my frustration I'm not seeing it yet-I believe it's there...so I'm searching..........
 
"Our deepest, most committed and responsible love-the love we experience for life, for others, for ourselve: the love that stirs us to find meaning in humble things-flows from our FULLY DEVELOPED, AUTONOMOUS SELF."

I think this is part of why I find myself saying to some people, "no you don't love me"....

I SENSE that they are not "whole" and in that I sense that they are unable to truly love me as I understand love... They can't give their deepest, most committed and responsible love. THey can't find meaning in the humble joy of loving without fearing a lack of "return"...
 
" The kind of psychological health that creative persons have is not an absence of conflicts but rather a troubled awareness of them. Unusually sensitive to what is not right, what is not fit, what is incomplete, the creative person has a strong drive to resolve that which is disquieting, either through a direct attack upon it or through finding a medium through which it can be given symbolic expression."

That's me!

I tend to give a ridiculous amount of unsolicited advice, as i'm always trying to fix everyone around me. it's so bad that i've had to teach myself to ask someone if the want advice or are just venting. :eek:
 
The crux for me I think...

" Even without guarantees, even in our darkest hours, we still can choose creatively. We choose boldly in the direction of what we ideally want, because family, life or commitments mean so much to us. When we find meaning, we also locate the wherewithal to choose courageously. When we hesitate to reach for what we desire, when we see ourselves stuck in unacceptable situations, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether we care enough about our lives, families or long-term pursuits to act in their best interests."

I think the biggest problem I'm struggling against is my need to stop hesitating versus my desire not to "hurt" people I care about. But by hesitating, I am in fact hurting them, they just don't see it RIGHT NOW...
:(
 
That's me!

I tend to give a ridiculous amount of unsolicited advice, as i'm always trying to fix everyone around me. it's so bad that i've had to teach myself to ask someone if the want advice or are just venting. :eek:

That's hysterical. I started that (asking if they want my two cents or are just venting) about a year ago. I find that MOST people just want to bitch, they don't actually want to DO anything to fix the issue they are bitching about.

Baffles me still.
 
I find that MOST people just want to bitch, they don't actually want to DO anything to fix the issue they are bitching about.

Baffles me still.

Yes! it's amazing how many ppl don't want an outside view, so that they can possibly find a way to do something about their problems!

although i have seen on occasion the person venting, while i'm almost bursting because i want to help them, and then they fig. it out on their own!
 
"It takes hard, persistent work and not a little courage to develop our full humanity. OUr bids for authenticity easily arouse fear, anger or at the very least concerns in family, friends or coworkers. People close to us may not want us to change. Certainly for many of them our growth introduces inconvenience. At a deeper level they may believe we will grow away from them the more we cultivate our strengths and uniqueness."

Bingo...

So why is it SO DAMN HARD to see that if all parties grow-they can grow together?

WHY do people insist on being miserable and stagnant all the while fearfully bitching about someone else working to develop themselves more fully?


That is somewhat rhetorical but only because I really think that the answers are not answers at all.

The answer (in my mind) is they are SO entrenched in the HABIT of reacting in fear that they can't concieve of doing it any other way.


That makes me wonder-is it worth trying to explain it to them then? I just don't know sometimes.

She goes on to say,

"Loving and patient repetition of our objectives, our calm reassurances to them help us merge our interest with theirs. As mentioned in a previous chapter, resolving the tension between our individual needs and those of others is a central task of mature, creative adulthood."


I don't disagree, but I can't help but wonder how long that stage should last?
Not that I see anything wrong with being endlessly loving and patient. But I do find having to repeat the SAME thing over and over a bit....stifling-especially if/when I've moved on to some NEW objective having already attainted the first and they are still wanting reassurance on the first objective....
 
Closed Mind, closed caged door on self...

Last one for now.... lots for me to think on for sure!

"When we meditate, daydream or pray for answers (and are willing to let these come of their own accord, in their own time), when we stop trying to force our answers into existence, we embrace freedom. We release our stranglehold on our own throught processes. We allow our various intelligences to work things out without our logical, too structured interference.

ON THE OTHER HAND,

when we chase the quick fix, or organize our lives rigidly around preconceived notions or idealized images of how we "should" live: when we follow too obediently convention on matters important to us, or passively make life choices along the lines others have convinced us are correct; for "our own good"; when we deny ourselves time to think, dream, grow, explore, experiment, play and pray, we also deny ourselves the freedoms we need to create our own lives anew. THEN OUR CAGE STAYS SHUT."

Ah yes. That seems clear cut enough. :)
 
Your journey is yours, their journey is theirs. They are both deserving of equal respect regardless of how far along anyone may be. Where they meet is great, where they don't meet is out of your control. When they clash, I give the same amount of respect that I hope to receive. And when they start needing me to change my path for their sake, I let go of whatever I'm holding onto that allows them to pull me. That doesn't mean letting go of them. It means letting go of whatever I'm doing that allows what their doing to bother me or derail me. Then that frees me to love and respect them for where they are in their journey and stop feeling ahead or behind them, because such perceptions create their own consequences.

Sometimes we don't know how our own journeys can create pressure for those around us and vice versa.
 
Your journey is yours, their journey is theirs.

Absolutely!

I find the more centered I am, the more secure I am in the knowledge that I am on the path I need to be on at this moment, the less anyone else's actions or reactions can impact me.

I don't need to make another "wrong" in order for me to feel "right" and I won't allow another to do that to me. Refusing to accept someone's demands that I do so isn't unloving to them, it is instead loving to myself and perhaps even setting an example that helps lend the certainty of purpose to another.

My journey has taken some long and winding roads as I'm sure most people's have; at many points along the way I'm sure others wondered if I was ever going to "get it" as well ;)
 
Ceoli and constlady, your words resonate within me.

Another way to look at it is that each person should be aware of their own "bottom lines" - things that they absolutely have to have in life. Whether that is growth in a particular direction or a boundary that shouldn't be crossed. People who love and care for you will respect those (assuming you communicate it with them) and will accompany you along that path, assuming that it doesn't violate some need of their own, of course. If it does violate it, then the right thing to do is to recognise that and wish them luck on their continuing journey.

Expecting someone else to violate their own bottom line in order to prove their love for you, or, worse, of accusing them of not loving you enough if they don't violate their bottom line for you is a selfish and disrespectful act, in my opinion.
 
I know my purpose, I know where my life needs to go and I know how to do it. I don't mean I have a "plan". I don't. I mean-I just know... I just FEEL in any given moment "I'm supposed to do this" or "I'm not supposed to do that" and I need to DO or NOT DO those things and stop letting other people's refusal to claim their own shit AND DEAL WITH IT, stop me from my own growth and progress....

This is exactly where I am at, i could have wrote this statement myself. A lot of people tell me i am acting illogically, that i am too emtional an making desisions based on feelings and not really thinking it through,
actually this is wrong, its more than just making desisions based on emotion I am making desisions based on a very strong gut instinct as to what is right or wrong for me. I have done this now for at least past 4 or 5 years and every single desision i have come too when I have allowed myself to listen to my own intuition has been right
,

and when i have not listened to that intuition i have often regretted, doing or not doing something.

A diar consaquence of this was when i was having problems in my pregnancy, i just knew something was wrong and that i needed medical attention but as it was not obvious what exactly was wrong everyone around me including doctors told me that i was an overly anxious first time Mum, and so i ignored the urge to fight with medical staff to get more attention and the result was that i had a massive infection in my womb and my baby was born to early to survive. I will never ignore that kind of intuition again
.

I think the biggest problem I'm struggling against is my need to stop hesitating versus my desire not to "hurt" people I care about. But by hesitating, I am in fact hurting them, they just don't see it RIGHT NOW...

I struggle with this too,
i sometimes ask myself am i being selfish. I think sometimes yes I am because i have to be. I do not want to hurt people I will listen and support people as much as i can but i simply cannot carry them.


That's hysterical. I started that (asking if they want my two cents or are just venting) about a year ago. I find that MOST people just want to bitch, they don't actually want to DO anything to fix the issue they are bitching about.


When i was doing my training to be a person centred therapist we talked about this a lot, the fact that very often people do not want advice,
sometimes though its not just about wanting to rant or bitch, i think sometimes people are just looking for empathy and for someone to care enough to listen and that is enough. I think what people really need when they are ranting or bitching is someone to listen and reflect what they are saying so they can figure out solutions for themselfs.
 
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