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  #31  
Old 04-16-2019, 06:33 AM
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Valynn Valynn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Sounds like “Relationship broken, add more people.”

You were supposed to be their bandaid so they could avoid breaking up? Or avoid dealing with their problems? Ugh. Doesn't sound like emotional honesty ranks high with these people.
They asked me to join them after JR told Angela that he had fantasized about me. He had asked me out back in 2011, way before he and Angela began dating. I have regretted saying no to him, but I was working at a retail store that had me under contract not to date my fellow employees or customers.


Quote:
Up to you.

To me that sounds like you break up with Angela, and figure out if you and her can be (good exes and friends) or (just exes.)

Then you decide how you feel about JR.
  • If he ends it with her? Then I guess you keep on poly dating him.

If he keeps ON dating her even after he knows she's monogamous and not really into poly? He lets her keep on hurting herself like that? Can you respect him being cruel to her like that and keep on dating him while still trying to be her good ex and friend?
  • If yes, date him.
  • If no, end it.
Ugh, this is my problem. I know I am still very loopy with NRE's for JR. But him and I seem to have a deep connection I have never felt before. The only person that was even close was my ex husband. And I contribute that to him getting me pregnant.
I do not want to loose Angela either. But she has been able to become friends with her exes in the past.



Quote:
You could say “I appreciate the honesty. I wish you had told me sooner. If you are monogamous, then us poly dating each other is not going to work. I am not pushing you away. I'm willing to go back to being friends. But this is not compatible for us to date each other if you want one kind of relationship model and I want another.”

Speak plain. Stop pussy footing.
I hope to be strong enough to say this to her.


Quote:
So? It's already hurting now. PICK your hard. Between (never ending stink hard) and (hard, but might resolve)? I'd pick the latter.

Lean IN and sort what needs sorting. Not wimp out with more emotional weenie stuff! (Sorry I can't think of a better way to phrase that this late at night. )

There's been enough of that going on from them -- not being fully honest with you from the start. Her not being honest about prefering monogamy. Them not being honest about their relationship having problems before you arrived.

Play ball, already! If you step up to bat and they are still wimping out? I think you could walk away from both in good conscience. You tried. They did not.

Galagirl
True. If I keep true to myself & my emotional well being by ending it. It will make them see what they need to change for their relationship, themselves & their own well being.
They could become stronger and willing to make it work or they could implode. But either way, that will be on them. Not any ultimatum from me.

And baseball analogies work every time
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Valynn (Me)- 46 F bi/poly/divorced
in a V with
Angela- 45 F Bi/mono/best friend ~metamour
JR - 46 M Straight /mono/new to poly/Angela's live-in partner ~ hinge partner of Valynn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
M'lord Sir- 56 M Straight/Married/Soft Dom/ Occasional Medieval Play Partner of Valynn's
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FAMILY
Dexus- 21 M- son of Valynn. US Navy veteran
Elaine - 49 F- sister of Valynn

Last edited by Valynn; 04-16-2019 at 01:04 PM.
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  #32  
Old 04-16-2019, 06:37 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You sound like you have a plan.

I hope you sleep well and hopefully... you can be honest with these people and stand back and let the chips fall where they may.

GL!
Galagirl
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  #33  
Old 04-16-2019, 03:55 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is online now
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What GalaGirl sees as drama, I see as Angela working through her feelings. And I do think negative feelings should be sorted through and not just felt. Jealousy is a symptom. She is insecure. She is worried that you and JR will ride off into the sunset together. That inot going to change over night.

Yes, it may take 20 chances. I suppose you could treat every relationship as Ride or Die right off the bat, but that wouldn't be very fruitful. At least she is showing signs of working through her feelings. A step backwards needn't be a catastrophe.
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  #34  
Old 04-16-2019, 04:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I would agree with you if Angela wanted to be doing poly, and is struggling with poly newbie stuff right now. Sometimes the adjustment period does take a while and giving it more time to stop "storming" and more time to settle into the "new normal" might be ok. Growth happens at the edges of the comfort zone. It's ok to be uncomfortable while in transition.

But when it turns out Angela is monogamous, wasn't honest about that, and doesn't actually want to be doing poly? She just been "going along with it" when she doesn't really want to be doing it? That doesn't sound like a temporary setback and needing more time to work it out to me.

To me that sounds like someone trying to be something they are just not. I keep wondering why Angela would even do such a thing. It's not healthy for her, and it's not being honest with others. Only thing I can think of is maybe she wasn't ready to be honest with herself? Or going along with whatever from fear of being alone?

Galagirl
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  #35  
Old 04-16-2019, 08:55 PM
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kittyxuchiha11 kittyxuchiha11 is offline
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I'm with Vinsanity0 on this one actually. when Josie and I first got with Ash, Josie had this huge freak out that she wasn't poly and was only going along with it to make me happy and was worried she was mono. The way to combat this is she would test run it and after a few months if she wasn't feeling anything then she would call it off and not be involved. So it turns out, it was just her anxiety and her jealousy getting the better of her, and in fact her and Ash seem to be really really close and in love now.

Yes, if Angela really is monogamous and is only doing this to keep people happy and continues to feel like that then i completely agree with the points above, however, growth and acceptance does happen, and she really might just be needing time to adjust.

just my two cents on things
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  #36  
Old 04-16-2019, 10:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I guess only time will tell what's going on with Angela then.

Galagirl
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  #37  
Old 04-16-2019, 11:47 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is online now
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I agree time will tell. Angela seemed to like the idea of a closed triad, which I think probably appeals to her monogamous instincts.
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  #38  
Old 04-17-2019, 01:46 AM
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Valynn Valynn is offline
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Thank you all for your input. I was talking to JR about what Angela had said and he thinks it's her anxiety as well. We are still pretty new and are all working through stuff. I could be a bit sensitive to her words.
He told me for almost a year into their relationship she would say she was not "relationship material" & "that he should just leave her to find someone better."
Less than 24hrs after her surgery she had a full blown panic attack, in which she wanted to walk 7 blocks to her job, she kept saying that JR & I were much better for one another (blah, blah, blah). JR was still asleep, so I tried to talk her through it while walking backwards down a busy street.
__________________
Valynn (Me)- 46 F bi/poly/divorced
in a V with
Angela- 45 F Bi/mono/best friend ~metamour
JR - 46 M Straight /mono/new to poly/Angela's live-in partner ~ hinge partner of Valynn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
M'lord Sir- 56 M Straight/Married/Soft Dom/ Occasional Medieval Play Partner of Valynn's
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FAMILY
Dexus- 21 M- son of Valynn. US Navy veteran
Elaine - 49 F- sister of Valynn
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  #39  
Old 04-17-2019, 02:37 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
He told me for almost a year into their relationship she would say she was not "relationship material" & "that he should just leave her to find someone better."
That's a turn off to me. If a person is going around saying that? I'll believe them and just not get involved. I want to share a healthy relationship with someone. Not be their chronic "prop them up" person.

Quote:
Less than 24hrs after her surgery she had a full blown panic attack, in which she wanted to walk 7 blocks to her job, she kept saying that JR & I were much better for one another (blah, blah, blah). JR was still asleep, so I tried to talk her through it while walking backwards down a busy street.
That to me is also a turn off. She's not going to rest after surgery? She's going to prep products for a mother's day pop up sale event? Then argue with the triad partners about when and how they share sex with each other?

I don't mind being there for a partner, but this would be way more labor than I want to be doing 1 month in to a relationship. Too weird for me. I don't want to sign up to be someone's "free therapist," their "emotional dumpster," or their "caretaker."

I think you may have to figure out how much of this YOU want to keep doing. I am not you. Your tolerance for this stuff might be at a different place.

But if it's hurting you to participate here? Like over and over? It's ok to decide to STOP participating so you can be free from that hurt.

You are not obligated to throw your OWN well being under the bus to just keep on propping up Angela. So I guess you could do some soul searching?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-17-2019 at 02:45 AM.
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  #40  
Old 04-17-2019, 01:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Valynn, do you live with Angela and JR?

I'm hoping you don't. You say you're solo poly, and have another partner, so I assume you live alone and host that other partner at your place?

I hear that you and Angela both are entrepreneurs with handmade products, and you set up at events together to sell your wares. You and JR were attracted to each other 8 years ago, but couldn't date because of work rules.

Now, you're good friends and more or less business partners with Angela. And all of a sudden you get more deeply involved with both. Not just friends, not just business partners, but lovers.

And yet, Angela has reproductive surgery and can't have sex for a while, but you and JR (being in a long awaited place of finally able to have sex) go ahead and have frequent sex while Angela is out of commission.

Angela may be a nice person, and you may get along great. But maybe you two relate well because you BOTH have low self esteem and weak boundaries. She has told JR she's not worthy of a relationship with HIM. And now she's going along with a so-called triad because she still feels unworthy of love from anyone, so goes against her own desires of monogamy, to keep JR, and have you as a sex partner too.

And you, to avoid "making" her feel bad, semi go along with her wishes (have sex but don't make love), or only do oral or digital sex when you know full well she meant any kind of sex, not just PIV, was "not allowed." And then she yells at you both after the fact, and she's in pain, and it's late, and you two have a big business event the next morning... and you and JR feel you have to bow to her wishes just so everyone can get some sleep. But you don't really agree in your hearts that she has the right to control the sex life you share with JR.

If I were you, I'd step back a bit. I HOPE you haven't moved in with them. Do your business with Angela. If you're going to keep dating JR, let him come to your place... if he's "allowed." If he isn't "allowed," it's on him as a hinge to work things out with Angela.

That's the least you can do.

The most you can do is what GG recommends. Step away from the wonky. These people are not good poly dating prospects. Don't attempt to placate Angela by accepting a key, and discussing handfasting! Yikes! She is doing a push pull. Take a key! Let's be planning handfasting! But you can't fuck or "make love" with "my" man. And I'm gonna have panic attacks and fits every times I feel insecure!

This does not sound like a runner here. Sorry.
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