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Old 11-15-2018, 03:26 PM
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River River is offline
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I'm reading this article now. I paused to find this thread so I could post it here.

Casual Sex, Or Casual Love?
By Rachel Forshee, February 17th 2014

Maybe we can chat about it?

This excerpt really stood out as significant to me:

And it’s a funny thing when you go out knowing you’re looking for sex. You tend not to think of people as individuals – with their own hopes and dreams and desires, or that you’re even going to share an experience together. You tend to discount them as autonomous individuals at all and just focus on what you can get out of (or get off on) the situation. It’s a very transactional, capitalist, and … yes… cynical way of looking at humanity.
male, bisexual & biamorous
1 long term male partner of many years.
1 newly forming additional connection (maybe?).

Last edited by River; 11-15-2018 at 03:31 PM.
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Old 11-15-2018, 03:54 PM
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River River is offline
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Okay, I've finished reading the article I linked above.

I found it helpful in getting more intimate with myself -- my own thoughts and feelings....

I'm exploring a new friendship ("with benefits"), and its entirely unlike anything I've experienced before. The lines which divide this from that are not at all non-existant; but they are not crisply clear, either. We're not "dating" in the usual "romantic" sense. Nor are either of us wanting sex or touch without feeling. And we talk, as in really talk. He wants to be "vulnerable" with all of his friends, be they FWB or otherwise. So there's real intimacy and care here, not just sex.

I think a lot of folks see the Friends With Benefits (FWB) category as "not a real relationship" -- and not a real friendship. But that's what he has to offer and what he wants, and that's fine with me. After all, we live fifty miles apart and I'm not likely to see him often -- and he's half my age (but damn mature for his relative youth).

Sharp, hard lines can be easier in certain respects, but there's no sharp had line between true FWBs and "true loves". That line is blurry, vague, mysterious -- to a point. Especially for a guy like me who has never deliberately and explicitly explored a real friend FWB before. I've thought about 'em, and what it might be like, but now it's real and it's happening. Now, for the first time, I have to work out in practice "How not to seem to be demanding or wanting more than the FWB we're exploring" even though the FWB we're exploring is explicitly also intimate, affectionate, caring ... a real friendship and not just a "casual sex" thing.

FWB implies a line, but precisely what kind of line that is is ... fuzzy. And I want to become comfortable with that.
male, bisexual & biamorous
1 long term male partner of many years.
1 newly forming additional connection (maybe?).
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Old 12-29-2018, 03:37 PM
JackDarlene JackDarlene is offline
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Default Okay, let's define the term

Not to dis anyone at all, but I see a lot of posts throwing the word "love" around yet I'm not certain that everyone means the same thing by it. So, how are we defining "love"? I'm in love with my wife and we're in love with our quad partners and they love us back. Does that mean the same thing to everyone? We define "love" as a condition where someone else's welfare and happiness is, in our own minds, as important (or even more important) than our own welfare and happiness. How do you define it? If we're going to be talking about it, we should make sure that we all mean the same thing(s) by the term, shouldn't we?

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Old 12-29-2018, 11:58 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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A quick look at Wiktionary tells us that love has no single definition. Either the person writing/speaking the word must explain which definition is intended, or the person reading/hearing the word must guess based on the context.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 01-05-2019, 08:25 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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This is a great discussion and after reading all the articles and comments it hit me that as we “relationship” differently (we are of course all independent individuals) we also “love” differently. And what we forget is that’s okay.

I love each person I’m in relationships with, whether romantic, sexual, being a mother and even work as well as friends. Now I’m not going to tell my co-workers I love them. That statement would have no real meaning to them except get freaked out. But I do by my actions with them convey I care for them.

I just very recently tried breaking up with my paramour because I love him. I was afraid to tell him as I knew he’d take it as a request for hearing it back and for long term commitment. But I told him I love him. It felt good. And yes his initial response was as I knew it would be. So I had to explain my love, easing his fears of his interpretation of the word love.

I learned it’s okay to verbalize my feelings but to include the definition of what that feeling means to me. It’s a risk but well worth being myself than hiding myself.
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Old 02-20-2019, 06:41 AM
roryjo roryjo is offline
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This thread has been really enlightening for me. I read the main article posted as well as the second article posted and all the commentary. I'm still kind of processing my thoughts here...
My fiance and I are in the process of opening up our relationship; he has fairly recently discovered he is poly, and I am fairly certain I am not (although I think I could be non-monogamous, but also there's a good chance that I'm simply too hung up on labels in general). Being polyamorous is a scary prospect for me because it requires LOVE. It's right there in the name! For me, as a monogamous person for 38 years and counting (because we haven't actually gone outside of our relationship yet) LOVE in a romantic sense means all of the escalator stuff: marriage, babies (well, not for us as I don't have all my baby making parts, but still...), growing old together, choosing a home when one of us gets too sick or frail or whatever when we're 83. So the idea that there could be more than ONE of these great loves is kinda terrifying.
I have a lot more reading to do, obviously. I have more fears and curiosities that I need to deal with. But these articles about love have started to help my mind wrap around the idea that love isn't...scary. (Even as I type that I recognize its ridiculousness, and yet it feels true ) Love comes in all kinds of shapes and sizes and intensities, and that's okay. I'm not sure I totally grasp it, but I think this thread has helped me start to
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Old 02-26-2019, 02:07 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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These definitions definitely don't work for me, and that's okay. The argument I tend to use when I'm talking to people is that I don't order pasta when what I really want is lasagna (don't use the vague word when a precise word works better). I feel that broadening the definition of words waters them to the point of unintelligibility- that people no longer understand exactly what we're trying to say.

While I got nothing against the concept of casual "love", I think it needs a new word all its own so that it doesn't render the meaning of the word love so diluted that it lacks meaning.

Also, and I am sure people won't agree with me, but that line in the main article about feeling "love" on a weekend fling? To me, that cheapens the concept of love in general. No, what I feel when I'm in lust and having a great fling is nothing like what I feel for my husband.

I like casual sex. So this isn't about sex being less or anything like that. It's just that I believe that we should be generally making language more specific, not less so. Communication is for being understood. Why make it even more difficult? If you have to explain what you mean every time you use a word, maybe it's not the best word to be using.

Just my thoughts.
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.

Last edited by Vicki82; 02-26-2019 at 02:27 AM.
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